


Our Little Family

by GoosewithaNuke



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: (some) Holtzbert, Coming Out, First Crush
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-02
Updated: 2019-01-29
Packaged: 2019-03-25 23:40:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 33
Words: 109,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13845471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoosewithaNuke/pseuds/GoosewithaNuke
Summary: A collection of one shots of Holtzmann growing up with her adoptive mother, Dr. Rebecca Gorin.





	1. Age 9: The bus

Dr. Rebecca Gorin raised her arm to hail the bus. She and her nine year old adopted daughter, Jillian, were waiting at the bus stop. Rebecca usually drove Jillian to school but today she had given in to Jillian's whining and was allowing the young girl to take the bus. Jillian smiled up at Rebecca as they waited for the bus doors to open. Their argument of the previous night was long forgotten.

* * *

 

 _Flashback_  
Rebecca was waiting outside Jillian's classroom, the school bell had just sounded. Rebecca was the only mother waiting outside the classroom, Jillian's classmates were all three years older than her, and most of them found their own ways home. Jillian's classmates exited the room first; Jillian was always the last one out. Usually it was because she was still working on her class work (oblivious to the fact that class had ended) or she was pestering her teacher with questions about anything and everything. 

When Jillian still didn't come out Rebecca began to walk towards the door, preparing herself to either rescue Jillian's teacher, or tear her away from her school work. Rebecca hadn't quite reached the doorway yet when Jillian slunk out of the room, dragging her back pack behind her.

"Jillian?" asked Rebecca.

Jillian ignored her and started walking towards the carpark.

"Jillian," Rebecca said again, firmly.

Jillian stopped walking, but she didn't turn around.

Rebecca caught up with Jillian, "What's going on?" she asked, "are you all right?"

Jillian hoisted her back pack onto her shoulders, "Can we go home?"  

After looking Jillian up and down and seeing no physical reason for her out of character behaviour Rebecca nodded.

The journey home was silent.

 

When they arrived home Jillian dropped her back pack down by the door and started towards her bedroom. Rebecca let her go, picking up the bag and hanging it on its allocated hook.

She gave Jillian a few moments to collect herself while she made her after school snack, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. She put it on a plate with a napkin and carried it to Jillian's room. She knocked on the door.

"Come in!" Jillian called out, perhaps a little louder than necessary.

Rebecca opened the door and held the plate out to Jillian.

"I come bearing snacks," she said.

Jillian took the plate happily and began munching on her sandwich.

Rebecca sat down on the bed next to her.

"Is there something wrong?" asked Jillian with crumbs falling out of her mouth,"you never come in here unless I've done something wrong."

"Don't talk with your mouth full Jillian," Rebecca admonished, "and I came in here to ask you the same question. Is there something wrong?"

Jillian swallowed, "Nothing, I haven't broken anything today."

"What about your behaviour at school today when I picked you up?" asked Rebecca.

"I didn't do anything."

"You ignored me, and you were rude to me. I'm not asking about what you've done," said Rebecca, "I'm asking if you're okay, you seemed like you might be upset."  
  
"I'm fine," Jillian said as she looked down at her sandwich.

"Jillian," Rebecca spoke firmly, but kindly, "you can tell me anything. Have I done something, are you upset with me? Are the kids at school being mean to you again?"  
  
Jillian sighed, still looking at her sandwich, "I don't want you to pick me up from school anymore."  
  
"Why not," asked Rebecca, trying not to be offended.

"None of the other kids get picked up by their parents," replied Jillian.

"Jillian, we live too far away for you to walk and you're still too young," said Rebecca.

"I could take the bus. Everyone takes the bus," said Jillian matter-of-factly.

"You can't take the bus."

"Why not?" asked Jillian, frustration starting to sound through her voice.

"There are strangers on the bus, you might get lost-" Rebecca started to list before Jillian cut her off.

"I wouldn't get lost! I'll take a map with me!" Jillian was bordering on shouting.

"What if something happened Jillian?" asked Rebecca calmly, "what if someone tried to hurt you? There's no teachers to stop bullies...or bad grown ups."

"There's a bus driver!" she shouted, her eyes were starting to tear up in frustration.

"Jillian please calm down. My answer is no," Rebecca said firmly.

"I am calm," Jillian said through her teeth, "I'll be fine."

"What about when it's time to go home?" asked Rebecca, "if you stay behind in class you might miss the bus."  
  
"I'll keep an eye on the time," growled Jillian.

"No," said Rebecca, "I've already said no several times. I'd like you to stop arguing now please."

Jillian huffed loudly. The first tear spilled over her cheek.

"Jillian," said Rebecca softly, "I'm leaving now. When you've calmed down will you please come out and talk to me?"

Jillian didn't reply. Rebecca walked out of the room and closed the door behind her.

 

Later that evening as Rebecca was putting their dinner in the oven she heard a door creak. She turned around and saw Jillian standing at the kitchen counter. Her eyes were slightly puffy and she had dried tear stains on her cheeks. 

"Come here," Rebecca said softly holding her arms open.

Jillian accepted the hug, leaning into Rebecca. Rebecca had never been a touchy person, but Jillian was very tactile and Rebecca had needed to adapt to that after adopting the young girl.  
  
Rebecca stroked Jillian's messy curls and lead her to kitchen table. Once Jillian was seated, Rebecca dampened a cloth and brought it to her. Jillian used it to clean her face as best she could.

Rebecca sat down in the chair adjacent to Jillian's.

"Do you understand why I don't want you to go to school on your own yet?" asked Rebecca.

Jillian sighed in resignation, "Yeah, but I-"

Rebecca interrupted, "I'm not arguing with you again."

"Then don't," said Jillian, "but please listen to me."

Rebecca looked at her sternly, but nodded for her to continue.

"It's just, everyone else in my class gets to go home on their own," Jillian started.

"Everyone else is a lot older than you," said Rebecca.

"But I'm smarter than them. I can figure out a bus time table," said Jillian.

"I know you can," replied Rebecca.

"So why can't I take the bus?" asked Jillian.

"Because," sighed Rebecca, "I don't want you to, I don't think you're ready."

"I am," said Jillian.

The oven timer pinged. Rebecca closed her eyes for a moment. When she opened them again Jillian was looking expectantly at her.

"Let's have dinner," said Rebecca.

"But, what about-" started Jillian.

"Please don't whine," Rebecca tutted, "let me think about it while we eat, all right?"

Jillian smiled, "Okay."

"Good, can you please set the table while I finish making our dinner?" asked Rebecca.

 

They were washing the dishes when Rebecca told Jillian her decision.

"Jillian, I've decided you may take the bus tomorrow."

Jillian dropped the fork she was washing back into the sink, "Really?"

Rebecca nodded.

"Thank you!" Jillian hugged her, dampening her shirt with her wet hands.

Rebecca pried her off, "However."

"Aww, there's conditions!" whined Jillian.

"Of course there are," replied Rebecca, "you're only taking the bus tomorrow."

"What?" asked Jillian.

"There's more. Please don't interrupt me," said Rebecca.

"Sorry."

"If it goes well, you may continue to take the bus for as long as you like. If it doesn't, I'll be driving you to and from school again, until I decide you're ready to try on your own again. Good?" Rebecca said.

Jillian nodded enthusiastically. _  
_

* * *

 

That afternoon while Rebecca was waiting for Jillian to arrive home she was relaxing by reading the latest journal that a colleague of hers had just had published. She looked at the clock on the wall. She still had about five minutes before Jillian was due to arrive home.  
  
Then the phone rang.

Rebecca got up and walked into the kitchen, where the phone was kept.

She answered, "Hello?"

"It's me," said a small voice.

Rebecca's heart stopped, she swore, "Jillian? Are you okay? Where are you?"

Jillian sniffed loudly and Rebecca had to resist the urge to pull the phone away from her ear at the sound.

"I don't know," she said quietly.

Rebecca tried to keep herself from panicking, "Can you see any signs anywhere?"

"I don't know," said Jillian, "I think I lost my glasses on the bus..."

"Are you at a payphone or are you in a shop?" asked Rebecca.

"Payphone."

"Okay, are there any shops around?" asked Rebecca.

"No. It's houses," said Jillian.

There was a muffled sound through the phone, " _Hi_... _I'm lost_..."

Jillian was talking to someone else.  
  
"Jillian! Jillian!" called Rebecca.

" _Hang on_ " Jillian's voice came through clearer as she spoke to Rebecca again, "Mrs. Adams from upstairs is here."

"Oh, thank goodness," Rebecca sighed in relief, "can you give her the phone please?"

There was some shuffling as the phone changed hands.

"Rebecca," said Mrs. Adams. 

"Hello, where are you? I need to get Jillian, she was taking the bus home today and she's gotten lost," Rebecca said quickly.

"It's all right Honey," said Mrs. Adams, "I can walk her home, we're only two blocks away. The poor dear must have gotten off a stop early."

"Okay. Yes, thank you. I'll meet you both in the foyer. Thank you."

"Quite all right dear. These things happen," said Mrs. Adams.

"They shouldn't," murmured Rebecca under her breath, "May I speak with Jillian again?"

More shuffling of the phone.

"Hi."

"Jillian, Mrs. Adams is going to walk you home okay?"

"Okay. I'm not scared anymore," said Jillian proudly.

"That makes one of us," said Rebecca grimly, "I'll see you soon, all right?"

"Yep."

Jillian hung up.

 

Rebecca was waiting in the foyer of the apartment building. The doors opened; Jillian and Mrs. Adams came through.

Rebecca reached for Jillian and pulled her close to her, wrapping her in a hug that was just a little bit too tight.

"Thank you so much for bringing her home," she said to Mrs. Adams.

"Of course," replied the older woman.

"Jillian," said Rebecca, loosening her grip, but only slightly.

Jillian looked up at her, "No more bus?" she asked forlornly.

"No more bus," replied Rebecca firmly.

 


	2. Age 9: Glasses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ghostmann commented on the previous chapter: "I wonder if they tracked down the bus to get her glasses back..."
> 
> Which inspired me to write this chapter.

Rebecca and Jillian were upstairs in their apartment. Jillian had been settled down. Rebecca pulled out the phone book from the bookshelf. She carried it over to the couch and sat next to Jillian. Despite it only being late afternoon Jillian had already bathed and gotten into her pyjamas. She was wrapped in a warm blanket and looking very cozy. She snuggled up close to Rebecca. Rebecca began flipping through the pages.  
  
“What are you looking for?” asked Jillian, squinting at the words.  
  
“For the number of the bus company,” replied Rebecca.  
  
“Why?” asked Jillian.  
  
“To see if your glasses have made their way to the lost and found,” said Rebecca.  
  
“Oh,” Jillian paused, “I’m sorry.”  
  
Rebecca stopped what she was doing to look at Jillian.  
  
“What are you sorry for?” she asked.  
  
Jillian shrugged, “Because I lost them, and I messed up today.”  
  
Rebecca sighed and put the book aside. She looked at Jillian, her features were firm yet kind.  
  
“Jillian,” she said, “None of this was your fault. It was mine. I shouldn’t have given in last night. I knew you weren’t ready and I let you go anyway. Yes, you left your glasses behind, but you were in a situation that you weren’t prepared for and I’m the one who let you get into that situation. It is I who should be apologising to you.”  
  
Jillian didn’t know how to respond, so she just put her head on Rebecca’s shoulder. Rebecca stroked her hair. Soon Jillian began to droop. Rebecca pushed her away gently, so she was leaning into the couch.  
  
“Jillian,” she muttered softly, “wake up.”  
  
Jillian mumbled incoherently.  
  
Rebecca smiled at her, and gently prodded her shoulder.  
  
“Tired,” mumbled Jillian again.  
  
“I know, you’ve had a long day,” said Rebecca, “but I can’t have you falling asleep now. If you do, you won’t be able to sleep through the night.”  
  
Jillian groaned, but she sat up and wiped the drool from the corner of her mouth. Rebecca was back to flipping through the phone book, she found the number.  
  
“I’m going to call them now Jillian, why don’t you have a think about what you’d like for dinner? We can order in if you’d like,” said Rebecca as she stood up.  
  
“Really!?” asked Jillian excitedly. Rebecca rarely let them eat anything other than home cooked meals.  
  
“Really.”  
  
While Rebecca was on the phone Jillian took great pride in being the one to choose what they ate. Her first impulse was burgers, but she knew Rebecca didn’t really like them. She decided to prove she was still mature enough to do things on her own, so this was a responsibility she should not take lightly. She went into her bedroom and grabbed her notebook and a pencil and sat at her desk. She wrote out a pros and cons list for every take out place she could think of. Her eyes were started to hurt from the strain of the looking at the white paper without the protective barrier of her glasses. Bravely, she continued to write despite the pain, she compared her lists and decided on the best option.  
  
There was a knock on her bedroom door. She turned around from her desk.  
  
“The bus driver found your glasses,” announced Rebecca, “but they won’t be back at the depot until late tonight, so we’ll have to stop by on the way to school to get them.”  
  
“Okay,” Jillian said rubbing her eyes.  
  
“Are you okay?” asked Rebecca.  
  
“Yeah, my eyes are just sore from looking at this paper,” said Jillian.  
  
“Jillian, can you please refrain from doing any activities that require your glasses for tonight?” asked Rebecca, exasperated.  
  
“I will. This was important though,” said Jillian.  
  
“What are you writing?” asked Rebecca.  
  
Jillian held out the list proudly. Rebecca took it and read quickly through it. She didn’t have the heart to tell Jillian that it wasn’t as important as she thought it was.  
“So,” she said, “Chinese food?”  
  
“Yes please!” said Jillian excitedly.  
  
  
After the meal Rebecca was reading to Jillian on the couch. A rare treat for Jillian as Rebecca didn’t like to read aloud, especially when Jillian kept nagging her to do the voices. Jillian was starting to doze off again.  
  
“Okay,” said Rebecca, “bed time Jillian.”  
  
Jillian looked at the clock, “No it’s not, I still have half an hour.”  
  
“If you can stay up another half hour, then go ahead,” said Rebecca.  
  
“I will,” Jillian crossed her arms firmly.  
  
Rebecca read two more sentences of the book, then looked back up at Jillian. She was already asleep.  
  
“Jillian,” Rebecca spoke softly.  
  
Jillian opened her eyes and saw Rebecca staring at her.  
  
She sighed, “Fine, I’ll go to bed.”  
  
“Good girl,” said Rebecca, “don’t forget to brush your teeth.”  
  
  
The next morning Jillian was grumpy. Rebecca had woken her up half an hour earlier than usual because they needed to pick up her glasses before school. Jillian was not happy about it.  
  
“I’m tired!” she grumbled from the back seat of Rebecca station wagon, “can’t I skip school today and we can pick my glasses up later. At a reasonable hour!”  
  
Rebecca looked at Jillian in the rearview mirror, “Jillian, 7.30 is a reasonable hour for most functioning humans.”  
  
Jillian made a frustrated whining noise.  
  
“Please don’t make that sound Jillian, it’s incredibly annoying,” said Rebecca.  
  
Jillian did it again.  
  
“Jillian! I asked you to stop,” admonished Rebecca.  
  
“Why couldn’t I have stayed home and you picked me up for school after you got my glasses?” Jillian asked.  
  
“I’m not leaving you home alone Jillian,” said Rebecca, “please stop arguing, you’re starting to give me a headache.”  
  
Jillian pouted.  
  
She was silent for a while, and then, “My eyes hurt!” she complained loudly.  
  
Rebecca sighed, “I know Jillian. We’ll have your glasses soon enough.”  
  
Jillian calmed when she finally took in Rebecca’s frustration, “Sorry.”  
  
“Thank you,” said Rebecca, “why don’t you shut your eyes until we get there, we’re only a few minutes away now.”  
  
Jillian obeyed.  
  
  
When they arrived at the bus depot Jillian was afraid to say anything out of fear of annoying Rebecca. She stayed put when Rebecca parked the car. Rebecca got out and opened Jillian’s door for her.  
  
“Are you coming?”  
  
Jillian’s eyes were still shut. She shook her head slowly in the negative.  
  
Rebecca frowned, “Are you okay? Is it your eyes?”  
  
Jillian took a deep breathe in and out, “I feel woozy when I open them. Everything keeps moving.”  
  
“Okay Jillian,” said Rebecca as she wound down Jillian’s window, “I’m going to leave you here while I get your glasses. I’ll be as quick as I can.”  
  
“‘Kay,” said Jillian.  
  
Rebecca locked the door and hurried into the building.  
  
  
Jillian hadn’t moved an inch while Rebecca was gone. She heard the car doors unlock and felt the breeze as her door was opened. She felt a slight pressure in her hands as Rebecca gently pressed the glasses into them. She put them on. She opened her eyes, the world was bathed in yellow again. Everything was still moving around but they were starting to settle down.  
  
“Still dizzy,” she sighed, looking at Rebecca.  
  
Rebecca was kneeling beside the car, she stroked Jillian’s arm.  
  
“I know,” she said softly, “Why don’t I take you into the lab with me today? You can rest in my office until you feel better.”  
  
“No school today?” asked Jillian.  
  
Rebecca shook her head, “Maybe I’ll take you in the afternoon if you’re feeling better.”  
  
“Can’t I just stay in the lab? You teach way more interesting stuff than my teacher does,” said Jillian.  
  
Rebecca thought it over, “All right Jillian, but just today, okay? And you rest first. Deal?”  
  
“Deal.”


	3. Age 6: First crush

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jillian has a crush on one of her new class mates.
> 
> 1990

Jillian was sitting on the couch reading one of Rebecca’s academic journals. She couldn’t always understand what everything meant, but she liked trying to figure it out. Sometimes she couldn’t figure out what it was saying, but even then, she liked the way the science words sounded. She liked to say them aloud whenever she read a new one. Sometimes she said it correctly, sometimes Rebecca would over hear her reading and correct her on some of her pronunciation. She didn’t mind being corrected, she liked to learn.  
  
Rebecca was on the phone with someone. Jillian wasn’t sure who, Rebecca always told her not to eavesdrop. Sometimes she did anyway, but today Rebecca was speaking too softly, so Jillian tried to concentrate on her reading.  
  
“Jillian,” called Rebecca.  
  
Jillian looked up in response. Rebecca was still on the phone, but it was pressed against her chest. Usually when Rebecca did that it meant she wanted to speak to Jillian about whatever her phone conversation was.  
  
“Come here please,” said Rebecca.  
  
Jillian got off the couch and trotted obediently over to her.  
  
“I’m on the phone with your principal,” started Rebecca.  
  
Jillian’s eyes widened. Had they traced the class pet freeing incident back to her?  
  
“You’re not in trouble,” said Rebecca, then she narrowed her eyes, “but judging from your reaction I think we might need to talk about something else later?”  
  
Jillian didn’t respond, instead choosing to look down at her sock clad feet.  
  
“Your teacher has recommended that you be moved into a different class,” said Rebecca, continuing on with the conversation at hand.  
  
“I like my class,” said Jillian, “it’s easy.”  
  
“I know Jillian, that’s why they want you to move. They want you so skip a grade,” said Rebecca.  
  
“Oh. I already skipped preschool though.”  
  
“They want you to move up again. It will hopefully be good for you,” Rebecca told her, “you’ll move into the new class for a trial period, and if it’s a good fit and you’re happy there, then you’ll be able to stay. Would you be interested in doing that Jillian?”  
  
Jillian shrugged, “I don’t know.”  
  
“I think it will be good for you,” prompted Rebecca.  
  
“But I don’t want school to be hard,” said Jillian.  
  
“School is supposed to challenge you Jillian. I can help you when you have trouble with things, and if you find it too hard, then you can move back into your old class.”  
  
Jillian couldn’t think of a good reason to say no, “Okay.”    
  


  
Jillian was moved into the new class the following morning. She was sat at the front of the classroom.  Rebecca was right. It wasn’t too hard for her, but it was just hard enough that she didn’t get bored. Jillian decided she liked it there and would tell Rebecca that she’d like to stay. The only thing she didn’t like was the other students. No one was exactly mean to her, but they all treated her like she was a baby. They were bigger than her and Jillian felt slightly intimidated.  
  
One of the girls in her class didn’t intimidate her, but instead gave her a weird feeling that Jillian hadn’t felt before. It wasn’t a bad feeling, so Jillian decided she should try and be her friend. 

  
  
That night at the dinner table Jillian was halfway through her roast potatoes when she decided to ask Rebecca about the new feeling.  
  
“Can people get weird feelings when they look at people, and are around them?” she asked, breaking the silence of the room.  
  
“What do you mean?” asked Rebecca.  
  
“I don’t know, but, I mean, when I say people. I mean specific people. Individually,” Jillian stuttered through her sentence.  
  
“Is it a good feeling or a bad feeling?” asked Rebecca.  
  
“I can’t really tell, good. I think, like a warm, happy feeling” replied Jillian.  
  
A smile played at Rebecca’s lips. “You probably have a crush.”  
  
“Oh,” Jillian said.  
  
She speared another potato with her fork. Rebecca watched her. Jillian chewed, a slight crease formed between her eyebrows. She was deep in thought. Through her masticated potato she asked, “What’s a crush?”  
  
“Don’t talk with your mouth full. It’s when you like someone,” replied Rebecca, “but in a way that’s different to the way you like a friend. It can be a romantic attraction. When one person has a strong desire for another person.”  
  
Jillian looked troubled, “Okay,” she said, “these are good potatoes.”

* * *

Jillian introduced herself to the girl the next day at lunch. She sat down next to her in the cafeteria.  
  
“Hi, I’m Jillian,” she extended her hand to shake.  
  
The girl looked at her hand, ignoring it, “I’m Keira. What do you want?”  
  
Jillian dropped her hand, “I thought we could be friends,” she said with a nervous smile.  
  
Keira looked at her like she’d grown an extra head, “I don’t hang out with babies.”  
  
Jillian felt like she might cry, “I’m not a baby,” a lump in her throat was forming.  
  
“Oh yeah, well you’re too little to be friends with me. I only hang out with big kids,” said Keira proudly.  
  
Jillian couldn’t think of an argument, she knew that, at six, she was still a little kid, even if she skipped a grade or two.  
  
“But I’m as smart as you,” Jillian’s voice started to crack.  
  
“You may be smart, but you’re not worldly like me,” said Keira.  
  
Jillian didn’t know what worldly meant, maybe it meant well travelled, “I’ve been to New York once,” she said quietly.  
  
Keira just laughed at her.  
  
“I just want to be your friend,” said Jillian.  
  
“Well, I don’t want to be yours,” said Keira.  
  
Jillian took in a big breath, “But I want to be friends with you because I have a crush on you,” she said quickly and quietly.  
  
Keira looked affronted.  
  
Jillian felt tears pricking at her eyes.  
  
Keira didn’t know what to say, so she spat out “Are you crying? See, I said you were a baby!”  
  
Before Jillian knew what she was doing she’d reached out both her hands and shoved Keira as hard as she could, then she turned and ran. Luckily Jillian was not very strong and Keira only slightly lost her balance before recovering.  
  
  
Jillian hid in a stall of the girls’ bathroom. The cried quietly to herself. The bell rang, lunchtime was over. Jillian stayed where she was. She couldn’t go back to class. Time passed and Jillian sobbed.    
  
A door creaked. Jillian held her breath, she didn’t want anyone finding her like this. She lifted her feet onto the toilet lid.  
  
“Jillian?” A girl’s voice called. It was Keira.  
  
Jillian stayed quiet.  
  
“Are you in here Jillian? Mrs. Lithgow sent me to look for you,” said Keira.  
  
Jillian didn’t reply, but her foot slipped slightly and her shoe squeaked on the hard plastic of the lid.  
  
“I know you’re in there. I’m sorry I was mean to you,” started Keira, “I didn’t want the other kids to make fun of me for hanging out with you because you’re so much younger than us.”    
  
Jillian sniffed.  
  
“I think you’re nice, and it’s cool that you’re so smart. We can be friends. Maybe just secretly at first though. We can pass notes in class?” suggested Keira.  
  
“Yeah?” asked Jillian timidly.  
  
“Yeah. You can come out, you know?” Keira paused, “I mean out of the stall...I didn’t mean anything by that.”  
  
Jillian was confused by Keira’s sentence, she didn’t understand the connotations of the words. She didn’t question them though, she didn’t want to seem dumb. She opened the door.  
  
Keira looked upset.  
  
“We can be friends?” asked Jillian, swiping at her tear stained cheeks.  
  
“Of course, you seem pretty cool. But let’s not mention the crush thing again okay?” said Keira.  
  
Jillian shrugged.  
  
“Let me help you clean your face, then we’d better get back to class,” said Keira.  
  
“Thanks,” smiled Jillian, “I’m sorry I pushed you.”  
  


  
Jillian had to wait outside the classroom after school. Rebecca was inside talking to her teacher. Jillian couldn’t figure out why. It was only the second day, not even enough time for her to get in trouble yet. Jillian was nervous but her new friend Keira was waiting with her.  
  
The classroom door opened. Rebecca and Mrs. Lithgow walked out. Rebecca put her hand gently on Jillian’s shoulder. This made Jillian nervous, usually she didn’t do that unless she was worried about something.  
  
“Thank you Mrs. Lithgow,” said Rebecca, “we’ll talk about it tonight and make a decision.”  
  
Mrs. Lithgow nodded, “Good afternoon Jillian and Keira,” she said to the girls.  
  
“Good afternoon,” they chorused.  
  
Mrs. Lithgow left. Rebecca’s hand was still on Jillian’s shoulder. Jillian felt uneasy.  
  
“I should probably get going,” said Keira, “bye Jillian!”  
  
“Bye!” Jillian said, waving slightly as her new friend skipped away.  
  
Rebecca guided Jillian to the car.  
  
“How was school today?” Rebecca asked as they pulled out of the school parking lot.  
  
“Good! I made a new friend!” replied Jillian.  
  
“I saw. That’s exciting,” said Rebecca as she glanced at Jillian through the rear view mirror, “Did anything else happen today?”  
  
Jillian thought about it, “No, that’s pretty much it. We got new spelling words today. I already knew most of them though, but I might need your help with the others. We’re focussing on silent letters, and I think they’re stupid.”  
  
Rebecca chuckled, “Of course, I’ll help you.”  
  
“Thanks,” said Jillian.  
  
“Jillian?” asked Rebecca.  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“How’s everything going? With the class change. Are you adjusting to everything well?” asked Rebecca.  
  
“Fine,” said Jillian, “Why? Did my teacher say something?”  
  
“Yes,” sighed Rebecca, “apparently you were missing for half an hour after lunch today. What happened? Where were you?”  
  
Jillian shrugged.  
  
“Jillian, can you talk to me please. I’m worried about you. Your teacher said you looked like you’d been crying when you came back to class” said Rebecca.  
  
“Don’t worry. Everything’s good. I just don’t want to talk about it,” replied Jillian.  
  
“Okay, Jillian. When you say that it just makes me worry more. There’s no reason that I can see for you to miss any class right now. Were you skipping?” asked Rebecca.  
  
“No!” rebutted Jillian, “I just didn’t want to go back to class, so I didn’t.”  
  
“That’s skipping Jillian. Did something upset you?”  
  
Jillian shrugged again, then she gave in, “It’s just that one of the girls was saying mean things to me. So I pushed her and I was hiding in the bathroom. But we made up and now we’re friends.”  
  
“The girl you were just talking to outside?” confirmed Rebecca.  
  
“Keira, yep,” nodded Jillian.  
  
“You pushed her? Jillian! Never resort to physically attacking someone,” Rebecca sounded dismayed, “if someone is being mean to you, you need to tell a teacher.”  
  
“Sorry, but she had it coming,” shrugged Jillian.  
  
“No Jillian,” said Rebecca, “What was she saying?”  
  
“She called me a baby and said that she is only friends with big kids,” said Jillian.  
  
“I see,” said Rebecca, “You know you’re not inferior to the other students, Jillian.”  
  
“I know, but it’s all good now,” said Jillian, “we’re secret friends.”  
  
“What’s a secret friend?” asked Rebecca.  
  
“We know we’re friends, but nobody else does. Duh,” replied Jillian.  
  
“Don’t say duh. And that doesn’t sound like a healthy friendship,” said Rebecca.  
  
“It’s fine, we won’t be secret friends forever. Just for now,” said Jillian.  
  
“Okay Jillian. Just be careful okay? I don’t want you getting hurt. And please, don’t shove anyone!”  
  
“I apologised,” said Jillian. 

  
  
That night Jillian wrote about Keira in her diary. She was still a little confused about the crush thing, but she was happy to have a friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was based ever so slightly on my very first crush.


	4. Age 12: Coming Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Holtzmann_lover said: Omg please do Holtz coming out
> 
> So here it is. I may add some chapters relating to this later, because there was so much more I wanted to write about.

Jillian took a deep breath. This was it. Today was the day she was going to tell Rebecca. She opened her bedroom door and walked out into the kitchen. Rebecca was washing the dishes.  
  
“There you are Jillian, would you please dry these for me?” she asked without turning around.  
  
Jillian let out her breath, “Yep,” she said. Never mind, today isn’t the day.

* * *

Jillian had noticed more and more that all of her crushes seemed to be on girls. She never noticed boys at all. She tried crushing on a boy once, just to see if she could, and it made her feel queasy even thinking about it.  
  
Jillian had heard the kids at school whispering about her. They all knew, she didn’t know how, but they all knew, she’d never said anything outright. Nobody ever said anything to her, but she would catch snippets of conversations. That’s how she first heard the word lesbian.  
  
She’d looked it up in the dictionary during English class one day. As soon as she read the definition she snapped the book shut. That couldn’t be her…could it? The way the other kids talked about it behind her back made her feel ashamed. If they were whispering then it must be bad.  
  
She thought about it a lot. The more she thought about it, the more right it felt. She started paying more attention to her reactions towards girls and boys. After a while she felt fairly confident that she must be a lesbian. She was terrified. What would people think? What would Rebecca think? What if it makes Rebecca hate her, could adopted kids get unadopted?

* * *

One night after dinner Rebecca asked Jillian if she wanted to watch tv with her. A rare treat; Rebecca usually discouraged Jillian from watching too much tv.  
  
“One of my colleagues informed me about a programme that you might be interested in,” explained Rebecca, “we’ve already missed a season or so, but if you decide you like it, maybe we can look at renting it?”  
  
The idea of renting a video excited Jillian as much as the idea of watching a new show did, she’d just built a VCR and she hadn’t gotten the chance to try it out yet.  
  
As soon as the episode started Jillian was hooked. Science, aliens, FBI agents, it had everything she enjoyed reading about in novels. As she watched the two lead characters she noticed a funny feeling building inside her. It made her uncomfortable. Especially when she realised that her body was reacting to Agent Scully in particular.  
  
She stayed to watch the whole episode, she was really enjoying it. But she kept fidgeting, trying to shake the feeling away. The episode ended.  
She stood up, “This is the best show I’ve ever watched,” she spoke quickly, “can we rent the videos?”  
  
“Of course, I quite liked it too,” replied Rebecca with a smile.  
  
Jillian nodded, then she turned and bolted for her bedroom. She slammed the door shut and slumped down against it. She started sobbing, quietly but heavily. She didn’t know if she could deal with this feeling anymore. Scully was so attractive. She knew from her extensive reading on the topic, that it was perfectly normal to be a lesbian. But she was still scared.  
  
Rebecca knocked on the door, “Jillian?”  
  
Jillian didn’t reply, instead choosing to hide her face in her hands.  
  
Rebecca tried to open the door. It pushed against Jillian’s back, then shut again. Rebecca realised Jillian was blocking the door.  
  
“Jillian, what going on? Are you okay?” called Rebecca through the door.  
  
Jillian tried her hardest not to sound like she was crying, “I’m fine!”  
  
“Then let me in please,” said Rebecca.  
  
“No! Go away,” growled Jillian.  
  
Much to her surprise, Rebecca did.  
  
Rebecca left Jillian alone for almost an hour before she came back and knocked on the door again.  
  
“Jillian?” she said softly, “please let me in now.”  
  
Rebecca heard some shuffling on the other side of the door. When the shuffling sounds had stopped, she opened the door. Jillian had moved over so she was leaning on the wall. Her face was hidden in her hands. Rebecca entered the room, shut the door and sat down on the floor beside Jillian. She regarded her momentarily.  
  
“May I touch you?” she asked.  
  
In lieu of responding Jillian leaned into Rebecca and hid her face on Rebecca’s shoulder. Rebecca put an arm around the young girl.  
  
“Can you talk to me now?” she asked.  
  
Jillian shook her head.  
  
“You’re concerning me Jillian,” said Rebecca, “you seem like you’ve been worried about something for a while. Have you?”  
  
Jillian shrugged without looking up from Rebecca’s shoulder.  
  
“I don’t understand what’s made you so upset,” said Rebecca, “I wish you’d tell me so I could help you.”  
  
Jillian mumbled, “I’m scared.”  
  
“Of what?” asked Rebecca.  
  
“I don’t know. That you’ll hate me, or unadopt me,” replied Jillian.  
  
“Jillian, listen to me please. I could never hate you. Yes, you’re adopted, but you’re my daughter, and I love you. I’m sorry, but no matter what, you’re stuck with me for life.”  
  
Jillian looked up and smiled at her. Rebecca rubbed her arm affectionately.  
  
“Why would you think I could ever hate you?” Rebecca asked.  
  
Jillian swallowed. The moment felt right. She could tell Rebecca that she thought she might be a lesbian. She looked into Rebecca’s eyes, then she looked away. No. Not yet. She wasn’t ready yet. Maybe soon, but not now.  
  
“I don’t want to talk about it anymore,” she said.  
  
Rebecca had watched Jillian’s internal battle, she could tell Jillian had something she wanted to tell her. “Is it serious, do I need to be worried about anything?” she asked.  
  
“I don’t know,” said Jillian truthfully, “I don’t think so.”  
  
“Okay, we won’t talk about it anymore. Whatever it is. Just, promise me you’ll let me know when you’re ready to talk about it,” said Rebecca, she realised that there was no point trying to get answers out of Jillian that night, she would have to wait.  
  
“I will,” promised Jillian.  
  
“Good,” smiled Rebecca, “now, it’s past your bedtime.”  
  
“Can we sit here a little longer please?” asked Jillian.  
  
“Okay,” agreed Rebecca, “but I need you in bed soon, you have school tomorrow.”    
  
Jillian’s head dropped back onto Rebecca’s shoulder. They stayed like that until the next morning, when Rebecca woke up with a stiff neck.  
  
  
A few weeks later Rebecca was reading in her bed. Jillian had already been tucked in and Rebecca was enjoying the quiet time with a fictional novel. She was startled when Jillian appeared in her doorway.  
  
“I need to tell you something,” she said, almost urgently.  
  
Rebecca closed her book.  
  
Jillian looked away from her for a moment, she breathed in and out a few times. Then she looked back at her, with another deep breath she said firmly, “I’m think I'm a lesbian.”  
  
Before Rebecca had a chance to respond, Jillian’s eyes grew wide in panic and she ran back into her bedroom.  
  
Rebecca put her book on the bedside table, got out of bed, and put on her dressing gown. She walked into Jillian’s room. The door was open and Jillian sitting on the bed breathing heavily. Rebecca sat down with her and took her hands.  
  
“Jillian,” she said, looking at Jillian’s face, “I love you. No matter what, I’ll always love you.”  
  
Jillian breathing started to reach a normal pace, she looked at Rebecca, “Yeah?”  
  
“Yes,” nodded Rebecca.  
  
“Okay.”  
  
“Is this what you’ve been worrying about for so long?” asked Rebecca.  
  
Jillian nodded.  
  
“Come here,” Rebecca pulled her into a hug, “It’s okay, you’re okay. You’re perfect the way you are,” she mumbled reassuringly into Jillian’s hair, “and I love you. No matter what.”  
  
“No matter what,” Jillian repeated quietly to herself. She took comfort in the fact that she was no longer alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those interested, I drew up a quick little [illustration](https://goosewithanuke.tumblr.com/post/172812960858/just-a-quick-little-illustration-to-accompany) for this chapter.


	5. Age 16: Screw U

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jillian starts to become Holtzmann

Jillian was in the first year of her Bachelor’s degree. She was already beginning to feel the pressure. She was following the same career path as Rebecca, when Jillian had told her what she wanted to study Rebecca had concerns that Jillian was just doing it because it was what she did. Her concerns proved to be unnecessary as she found out, Jillian was proving to be a talented engineer.  
  
Jillian had one lab that semester with Rebecca. Rebecca had instructed her that as it was a professional setting she was to call her Dr. Gorin in the lab. Jillian agreed but had slipped up once or twice. Rebecca noticed something about Jillian’s interactions with the rest of her classmates. Jillian was the only female in the lab and she was also the youngest. Apparently this intimidated the other students, Rebecca had noticed that no one spoke to her unless they were stuck on something and needed help (Rebecca’s students picked up very quickly that she wouldn’t help them unless she believed they were actually stuck on something or at risk of causing harm to the rest of the class—stupid questions didn’t get answers at all). Jillian on the other hand loved helping the other students out, she was also the most likely to cause harm to the rest of the class.  
  
In the third week of the semester, Jillian started getting friendlier with the other students, and they no longer seemed intimidated by her. Rebecca wondered what she had done to earn their respect.  
  
  
Jillian had been studying in Rebecca’s office while she finished marking their first assignments. Jillian knew to stay quiet during this time, the first assignments of the semester were always the worst and Rebecca was usually irritable when marking them, muttering about the students’ stupidity. This was the first time Jillian had been nervous while Rebecca was marking. It was the first time that one of her assignments had been in the mix.  
  
She heard Rebecca tutting as she finished marking another paper. She could also hear her muttering under her breath. After a few more minutes Rebecca lifted the stack of papers, tapping them on her desk until they were all aligned.  
  
“Ready to go Jillian?” she asked.  
  
Jillian shut her book and shoved it in her backpack, “Yup,” she replied.  
  
“Great, let’s get a move on then,” said Rebecca.  
  
They packed up and left the office.  
  
“Did I do okay?” asked a nervous Jillian as they were walked.  
  
“Jillian, you’ll get your mark when the rest of the class does,” replied Rebecca.  
  
“Come on,” whined Jillian, “can you at least tell me if it was good or bad?”  
Rebecca sighed, “It was mediocre. Better than the rest of the class, but still mediocre.”  
  
“Oh,” said Jillian, disappointed.  
  
Rebecca patted her shoulder, “It’s only a first assignment Jillian, it’s not worth much of your overall grade. You just need more practise writing at a higher level. Everyone does.”  
  
One of Jillian’s classmates walked by them, “Hey Doctor Gorin! Hey Holtzmann!” He called to them.  
  
Rebecca nodded politely. Jillian waved back at him, “Hey Tony!”  
  
The three of them stopped walking.  
  
“Doctor Gorin, when did you say you wanted us to hand in the assignment?” Tony asked.  
  
“This afternoon during the lab,” replied Rebecca, “they’ve already been marked.”  
  
“Crap, I totally forgot,” Tony started riffling through his bag, “it’s in here somewhere.”  
  
“Sorry, I don’t accept late assignment submissions,” said Rebecca firmly.  
  
Tony stopped searching.  
  
“It’s only late by a few hours,” said Jillian, trying to help her friend.  
  
Rebecca shot a warning look at her, “I’m sorry, I can’t bend the rules to help one student. I can take your assignment and grade it for your personal reference and to help you with future assignments, but I will have to mark it officially as a fail.”  
  
“That’s fine, I guess,” said Tony, resuming his search, he pulled a crumpled sheet of paper out of his bag, “Ah ha!”  
  
He passed the page to Rebecca, she took it and placed in on top of the neat pile of assignments.  
  
“So, are you getting private tutoring or something?” Tony asked Jillian in reference to her being with Rebecca after lab hours.  
  
“No, just pestering her about the assignment,” said Jillian, unsure if she was supposed to tell people that Rebecca was her mother.  
  
“Cool, so we’re basically doing the same thing then,” said Tony, “well, I’d better get going or I’ll miss my bus. See you around Holtzmann.”  
  
He left.

  
“There’s always one,” Rebecca muttered to herself, then she turned to Jillian, “why do you have to associate with the one student who forgot to hand in the assignment.”  
  
“Tony’s cool,” replied Jillian.  
  
“Why did he call you by your last name?” asked Rebecca.  
  
“That’s what everyone calls me,” Jillian said with a shrug.  
  
“I don’t,” said Rebecca, “who’s everyone?”  
  
“I don’t know, all of the guys in my classes,” said Jillian.  
  
“Do you mind?” asked Rebecca.  
  
Jillian shrugged again, “It’s cool. At least they’ve started talking to me. I don’t really care.”  
  
“Why would your name affect whether or not people talk to you?” pondered Rebecca.  
  
They reached the car, Rebecca unlocked the door and they both got in.  
  
“Coz, Holtzmann’s a lot less girly than Jillian is,” replied Jillian, “they don’t like that I’m the only girl, and if they call me Holtzmann, they can pretend I’m one of the boys.”  
  
“Oh,” said Rebecca.  
  
She pulled out of the spot. They drove in silence for a while.  
  
“Do you want to be one of the boys?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“I want to be treated the same. You’re the only teacher who treats me the same as the guys. Men seem to respect me more when they don’t have to remember that I’m a girl,” said Jillian simply.  
  
Rebecca shook her head, “I think I need to have a word with the rest of the faculty. No one should be treating you unequally.”  
  
“I don’t want to cause a fuss,” Jillian slunk down in her seat.  
  
“Sometimes you have to cause a fuss to effect change,” replied Rebecca.  
  
The rest of the drive home was silent.  
  
  
Jillian was out for most of Saturday. When she came home her arms were weighed down by dozens of shopping bags. She dumped them on her bed.  
“What’s all of this?” Rebecca asked from the doorway.  
  
“New clothes,” replied Jillian.  
  
“Oh?” Rebecca said, “what’s wrong with your old clothes?”  
  
“They weren’t me,” said Jillian, she emptied the bags onto her bed and started going through her wardrobe, shoving her old clothes into the bags.  
  
Rebecca picked up a blouse as Jillian tried to put it in the bag and regarded it, “How are these clothes not you? You’ve always dressed like this.”  
  
Jillian snatched the blouse back and shoved it deep into the bag, “Because,” she spoke as if explaining something to a young child, “I’m in college now. In high school I didn’t want people to know who I was. Now I want to start being me. Authentically.”  
  
Rebecca had moved on to the bed, sifting through the thrift shop clothes. They were less feminine than her previous wardrobe, a lot of vests and ties, and bowling shoes for a reason that Rebecca could not fathom. She couldn’t help but notice that the clothes somewhat resembled her own wardrobe, especially when she saw the bolo tie.  
  
“I see. So who are you then?” she asked.  
  
“The same person I’ve always been at home,” said Jillian, “Holtzmann, lesbian and future PHD and engineer.”  
  
Rebecca frowned, “Are you expecting me to start referring to you by your last name?”  
  
“You don’t have to,” said Jillian, “I like it when you call me Jillian, but you’re my mom, so you’re the only one I’m going to let get away with it.”  
  
“Good,” said Rebecca, she walked over to Jillian, “forgive me for asking, but you’re  not making all of these changes because the men in your classes don’t like that you’re a girl?”    
  
“No, this is my own thing,” Jillian replied before she started pushing Rebecca out of the door, “Now get out, I want to get changed.”  
  
Rebecca left and Jillian changed her clothes. She came back out wearing suit pants and a mismatched vest and shirt. The ensemble vaguely reminded Rebecca of Harpo Marx and she was surprised at how much it suited her.  
  
“You look great,” she told her.  
  
“Thanks,” smiled Jillian, the she held out a strip of patterned fabric, “do you know how to tie a tie?”  
  
“Here, I’ll show you,” Rebecca took the tie.  
  
  
The next morning Rebecca called a meeting with the rest of the Jillian’s tutors and lecturers. They met that afternoon after Rebecca’s last lab.  
  
“Good afternoon Professors,” she greeted them.  
  
The greeting was met with an out of synch chorus of “Afternoon Doctor Gorin,” mumbled by the men in the room. Rebecca surveyed the board room, she was the only woman there.  
  
Skipping anymore pointless pleasantries Rebecca addressed her reason for calling the meeting, “It has come to my attention that we only have one female student this semester and she is being treated unequally by her male peers and lecturers,” she eyed the room, watching a few of the men squirm. Then she continued, “Some of you, I’m sure, are aware that Jillian is also my daughter. I want to make it very clear that I have not called this meeting as a result of nepotism, but rather in the interest of women studying in STEM. I’m sure all of you are aware that we work in a highly male dominated field. That does not mean that women are any less brilliant, in fact, I think you’ll find that if you actually bother to give Jillian a chance to excel that she is far more brilliant than any of her male peers. There is a reason she’s sixteen and in college already.”  
  
“Hey, I’m not prejudiced against women,” spoke up one of the professors, “I got a wife and two daughters.”  
  
“And how is Jillian treated in your classes?” asked Rebecca.  
  
“She’s in my electric circuits workshop,” he replied not really answering her question, “she’s always setting fire to shit. She’s a menace to my class.”  
  
Rebecca frowned, Jillian hadn’t mentioned anything about causing any fires, that was definitely a conversation for later.  
  
“Despite that, how does she hold up to the rest of your class?” asked Rebecca.  
  
“She keeps up with the boys fine, just gets a bit too eager around the angle grinder,” he said with a shrug.  
  
“Do you treat her the same as the rest of the class?”  
  
“Yeah, except when I’m explainin’ stuff. Y’know, women have more trouble comprehending simple instructions than men do,” replied the professor.  
  
Rebecca sighed audibly and heavily.  
  
The rest meeting continued in the same fashion of men arguing and Rebecca trying to explain things simply to them. By the end of the meeting Rebecca felt as though she had not made any progress.  
  
Tired and frustrated she left the campus. Jillian had taken the bus home that day as Rebecca knew her meeting would be running late and she didn’t want Jillian waiting around for her. Rebecca still had to stop at the grocery store and pick up a few things for dinner.  
  
She arrived home later that evening, dropping her paper bags on the kitchen counter.  
  
“Jillian!” she called without raising her voice, “I’m home!”  
  
“I’m in here,” Jillian’s loud voice sounded from their computer room, “I’ll be out in a minute, just working on something!”  
  
Rebecca pulled a broccoli out of one her bags and began preparing it. Then curiosity got the better of her and she wandered down the hall to see what Jillian was working on. She knocked on the open door. Jillian looked up, she was standing at her desk with a soldering iron in one hand and small piece of round metal in the other.  
  
“Hi,” she said, looking back to her work.  
  
“What are you working on?” asked Rebecca.  
  
“Just a little project,” said Jillian, she turned off the soldering iron and grabbed a screwdriver. She put a screw through the metal she was holding.    
  
She held up her finished work. It was a ring with a ‘U’ in it, a screw went diagonally through the U. Rebecca regarded it for a moment.  
  
“Clever,” she said, “who’s that directed at?”  
  
“My tutors and lecturers, ‘cept you,” replied Jillian, “I’m going to put a chain on it and start wearing it to class.”  
  
“I like it,” said Rebecca.  
  
“Want one?” joked Jillian with a small smile at the thought of Rebecca wearing such a thing.  
  
Rebecca thought about her meeting, “Actually, I do,” she replied, to her own surprise as much as Jillian’s.  
  
A broad grin found its way onto Jillian’s face, “Cool. Do you want yours to be a necklace too?”  
  
“Maybe a brooch,” replied Rebecca, “it’ll be a lot less dangerous than having something swinging from my neck during labs.”  
  
“Where’s the fun in that?” asked Jillian, turning the soldering iron back on.  
  
Rebecca pointed a stern look at her. Jillian gulped, “You’re right, labs are serious, shouldn’t be fun.”  
  
“Labs can be fun, Jillian. They can’t be unnecessarily dangerous,” said Rebecca.  
  
Jillian didn’t reply, she was attaching the U.  
  
“One of your professors mentioned a few fires in your class during the meeting. Do you happen to know anything about those?” asked Rebecca casually.  
  
“Oh yeah,” said Jillian nervously, screwing in the screw, “I meant to tell you about that.”  
  
“You did, did you?”  
  
“Sure…I mean, eventually, yeah,” Jillian said, searching through the desk drawer for a pin.  
  
“If it were any other day, I probably would be giving you some kind of lecture,” said Rebecca as she sat down atop her own desk.  
  
Jillian found a safety pin and attached it, staying quiet for fear of Rebecca changing her mind about that lecture.  
  
“But after the meeting I’ve just had,” said Rebecca, “all I can say is,” Jillian handed her the finished brooch, Rebecca pinned it to her shirt, “give them hell.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the tiniest bit based on the chapter in the novelisation where Holtzmann and Patty discuss the reason she goes by Holtzmann.


	6. Age 15: The Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Puszusz said: I hope you’ll include Rebecca and Holtz having /THE talk/. 
> 
> Warning: Rebecca is prompted to give Jillian the talk after walking in on her. She's fifteen (nothing happens) but if that's a trigger for anyone, please do not read.

Jillian was hovering over Rebecca’s shoulder. Rebecca was on the computer trying to type out an assignment for her students.  
  
“Jillian, did you have a question or are you just trying to annoy me?” she asked. Jillian was prone to doing both whenever she had something important to work on.  
  
“Umm, yeah,” said Jillian, trying to sound confident, but mostly just sounding awkward.  
  
“Which is it?” sighed Rebecca.  
  
“Question,” replied Jillian, “umm, can I have a friend over tomorrow night to watch a movie?”  
  
“Of course you may,” Rebecca replied. She started typing again, then paused and turned to face Jillian, “wait a minute. Why were you so hesitant to ask me? I let you have friends visit all the time.”  
  
“I wasn’t being hesitant,” Jillian started to argue, “I just usually have friends over to work on school stuff. I didn’t know if I was allowed a social visit.”  
  
“Emma was here less than a week ago for pizza and games,” pointed out Rebecca.  
  
“You’re right, I forgot,” Jillian tried to leave.  
  
She’d almost made it out of the door when Rebecca called her back, “Or is this friend more than a friend?” she asked with humour in her tone.  
  
Jillian turned around and rubbed the back of her neck with an awkward smile. She didn’t answer.  
  
“I see,” said Rebecca.  
  
“I didn’t say anything!”  
  
“You didn’t have to,” replied Rebecca, “are you dating this—?” She waited for a name.  
  
Jillian sighed, resigned, “Bev, and we’re not dating. I don’t even know if she likes girls.”  
  
“But you like her,” confirmed Rebecca.  
  
Jillian shrugged.  
  
“Okay, well, let me remind you that I’ll be home all night tomorrow,” said Rebecca.  
  
“I know,” said Jillian, her voice an octave higher than usual, “we’re just friends.”  
  
“I’m sure you are Jillian. But you’ve never brought a girl you liked home before,” said Rebecca.  
  
Jillian’s cheeks were glowing red as she asked, “Wait…Are you trying to give me the talk?”  
  
Rebecca paused, she hadn’t realised that was what she was doing, “I suppose I am,” she replied.  
  
“Is there any chance I can get out of it?” asked Jillian.  
  
Rebecca looked at her seriously, “Are you thinking, even slightly, about having sex?”  
  
If Jillian’s cheeks weren’t red before, they definitely were now. She shook her head, “No, not yet,” she answered honestly.  
  
“Will you come to me when you are?” asked Rebecca.  
  
Jillian looked like she really didn’t want to say yes, but regardless, she nodded.  
  
Rebecca leaned back in her chair, “Okay, you get out of it today, but next time you won’t be so lucky.”  
  
“Okay,” Jillian said quickly as she turned to high tail it from the room.  
  
“I’m at least getting you some pamphlets!” Rebecca called after her.  
  
Sure enough, the next night after Bev had gone home and Jillian was getting ready to retire to bed she found two pamphlets on her pillow.  
  
  
The next morning was a Saturday. Rebecca usually let Jillian sleep in until 10.00am on weekends, so she was surprised when a very tired looking and pyjama clad Jillian stumbled her way to the kitchen table at 7.00 that morning. Jillian was not a morning person.    
  
“You’re up early,” remarked Rebecca as she turned the page of the newspaper she was reading.  
  
Jillian grunted as she prepared herself a bowl of cereal. Rebecca continued reading the paper as Jillian sat down and started to eat. The effort Jillian was taking to eat her breakfast this early in the morning looked extraordinary. Her head was held up by her hand and she moved painfully slowly.  
  
“Did you get the pamphlets I left for you?” asked Rebecca, glancing up slightly from the paper.    
  
“Mmmhmm,” sounded Jillian.  
  
“Have you read them?” Rebecca raised a questioning eyebrow.  
  
Jillian ducked her head down, nodding once.  
  
“Good,” said Rebecca, “did you understand everything? Do you have any questions?”  
  
Jillian shook her head rapidly, “No,” she mumbled.  
  
Rebecca hummed and turned another page, the sound of the paper folding against itself irritated Jillian, it was too loud this early in morning. She groaned and pushed her, now empty, bowl forward so she could drop her head onto the table.  
  
Rebecca looked back up at her, “Why don’t you go back to bed for a few more hours Jillian? You look exhausted.”  
  
“Can’t,” groaned Jillian, face still resting on the table, “promised Bev I’d go to some farmer’s market with her today.”  
  
“Oh,” said Rebecca, surprise was evident in her voice, “I didn’t realise you’d started dating. When did that happen?”  
  
“’s not a date,” mumbled Jillian.  
  
“Are you sure, it sounds like one,” said Rebecca.  
  
Jillian shrugged.  
  
“Where are you meeting her, do you need me to drive you?” asked Rebecca.  
  
“She’s picking me up, she’s got a car,” said Jillian.  
  
Rebecca frowned, “Jillian, I think I’ve been very clear about my not wanting you to get in the car with your peers, especially if I don’t know if they’re responsible drivers.”  
  
“She’s been driving for a while,” said Jillian, “she’s seventeen.”  
  
“I didn’t realise she was older than you,” said Rebecca disapprovingly.  
  
“We’re in a lot of the same classes at school. Most seniors can drive” said Jillian bitterly.  
  
The door bell rang.  
  
Jillian looked at the clock, a slight panic in her eyes, “She’s early.”  
  
Rebecca sighed, “Go get dressed, I’ll let her in.”  
  
Jillian hurriedly got ready. When she came out of the bathroom after pulling her hair into a messy bun she found Rebecca and Bev sitting in the lounge waiting for her. Bev looked slightly uncomfortable, Jillian could tell immediately that Rebecca had been quizzing her about something or other.  
  
“Hey Jill,” said Bev, relief in her voice, “ready to go?”  
  
“Yep,” said Jillian.  
  
Bev turned to Rebecca and held out her hand, “Nice to meet you properly Dr. Gorin. Sorry again for not introducing myself last night.”  
  
Rebecca shook her hand. Jillian was impressed, usually Rebecca just stared at a person’s proffered hand with disdain until they were psyched out and dropped it.  
  
“Nice to meet you too. Thank you for not running away from our talk,” she said with a small but polite smile.  
  
“Let’s go Babe,” said Bev to Jillian.  
  
“A word please Jillian?” said Rebecca as the young girl tried to make an escape from the apartment.  
  
“I’ll meet you downstairs,” said Jillian.  
  
“Okay,” said Bev quickly.  
  
Jillian turned to Rebecca, looking embarrassed and annoyed, “What did you talk about?” she asked nervously.    
  
Rebecca stood up from the sofa and walked to Jillian, “I just thought you should know,” she said softly, “that I asked Bev, and yes, this is a date.”  
  
Jillian’s eyes widened, “It is?”  
  
“Yes,” replied Rebecca, “are you still happy to go?”  
  
“Yes!” said Jillian enthusiastically.  
  
“Okay. I’ve spoken to Bev, and I’m content with her driving experience, so you’re free to ride with her. If you feel uncomfortable at all, please call me and I’ll come and get you.”  
  
“Thanks, I’ll be fine,” said Jillian.  
  
“And,” continued Rebecca, “I’ve already told Bev, I want you back by lunchtime.”  
  
Jillian opened her mouth to protest.  
  
“No arguments or you’re not going,” said Rebecca.  
  
“Fine. Can I go now? She’s waiting,” said Jillian.  
  
“You may,” replied Rebecca. She kissed Jillian on the forehead and shooed her out of the door, “Have a good time!”  
  
“I will,” said Jillian with a salute as she left.  
  
  
Two months passed. Bev was becoming a regular fixture in the Gorin/Holtzmann household. Bev usually drove Jillian home after school and then stayed at the apartment for dinner. One day Rebecca had to stay late at work. She called home and left a message on their answering machine telling Jillian that she wouldn’t be home until 6.00 and could she please get their dinner in the oven?  
  
When Jillian heard the message she turned to Bev, they both realised that they had at least two hours before Rebecca got home. Bev suggested they watch some television (she was still a little intimidated by Rebecca). Jillian had other ideas, but agreed.  
  
Rebecca ended up finishing a little earlier than expected, bringing her work home instead of staying at the lab. When she opened the door to the apartment she was startled by the two youngsters on the sofa jumping away from each other in surprise. Unfortunately they weren’t quick enough for her not to notice where their hands had been. If she hadn’t seen that, she probably would have figured out what they’d been doing from their disheveled appearances.  
  
“What the hell?!” Rebecca’s initial reaction sent her voice shooting up in volume.  
  
Neither of the couple knew how to react. Bev did up her fly and grabbed her jacket.  
  
“I should probably go,” she said quickly with her eyes deliberately avoiding looking at Rebecca.  
  
“Yes, you definitely should,” said Rebecca crossly.  
  
Bev left Jillian and Rebecca alone.  
  
Jillian’s heart was beating fast, and not from her previous activities. The glare directed at her by Rebecca was enough to frighten even the bravest of humans. Rebecca was silent for a full minute before she spoke.  
  
“Answer honestly Jillian,” instructed Rebecca, “was that,” she gestured distastefully at the sofa, “consensual? You weren’t forced into anything?”  
  
Jillian, slightly dumbstruck, just nodded.  
  
“Good. Good,” muttered Rebecca, her voice was laced with relief.  
  
Jillian watched Rebecca carefully as she shut her eyes and pursed her lips. That was the face she usually made when Jillian had really screwed up and she was thinking of a consequence for her. Rebecca held the position for only a few seconds, but to Jillian it felt like an eternity before she looked at her again.  
  
“I asked you to put the dinner on,” she said calmly, but with a frown on her face.  
  
Jillian was surprised. She’d expected to be yelled at. Rebecca rarely did yell at her, but she thought this may have been one of the occasions where she did.  
  
“I’m sorry,” Jillian said, then feebly she added, “I was distracted.”  
  
Rebecca quirked an eyebrow, “I noticed.”  
  
Jillian averted her gaze.  
  
“I’ve got a lot of work to get through tonight,” said Rebecca, “can you put dinner on now, so I can get a start on this,” she raised the heavy folder that she was holding.  
  
“Yeah, okay,” Jillian started towards the kitchen, confused by Rebecca’s lack of discussion regarding the events that had just taken place before her.  
  
“Thank you, I’ll be in the computer room,” said Rebecca, she walked towards the room in question, “make sure you wash your hands first please!” she called over her shoulder.  
  
Jillian was confused to say the least. She’d been ready to be yelled at, and yet, it seemed like Rebecca was choosing to ignore that fact that she’d just caught her with her hand down another girl’s jeans.  
  
She prepared the meal, put it in the oven and set the timer. Then she didn’t know what to do. Dinner wouldn’t be ready for another forty minutes. Rebecca was working and probably didn’t want to be disturbed. Jillian felt like she couldn’t do anything fun because she felt that she’d done something wrong and should be punished. She did have some assignments to work on, but she’d left them on the desk in the computer room and she wanted to avoid Rebecca for the time being.  
  
She sat down at the kitchen table to think. She’d really screwed up. She’d promised Rebecca that she’d talk to her the second she started thinking that she might be ready to get intimate with another person. She’d definitely been thinking about it for a while since she’d started dating Bev. Rebecca probably knew that too. She should have spoken to her earlier. Jillian felt the guilt of the whole situation weighing itself on her shoulders. She groaned and dropped her head onto the table.  
  
“Head off the table please Jillian,” said Rebecca.  
  
Jillian looked up, she hadn’t noticed Rebecca come in the room. She sat up straighter, “Dinner’s in the oven,” she said, not being able to think of anything else that she should say.  
  
“Thank you,” said Rebecca. She sat down at the table, opposite Jillian.  
  
Jillian, once again, found herself on the receiving end of a very intense stare. She was feeling incredibly guilty and had to try her utmost not to look as sheepish as she felt. She was unsuccessful.  
  
“And thank you for waiting for me, I just needed a few minutes to digest what I just saw,” Rebecca sighed, “I suppose we need to have a talk.”  
  
Jillian puffed out her cheeks, then exhaled, “‘kay,” she said feebly.  
  
“Would you like to start or shall I?” asked Rebecca.  
  
“I don’t like either of those options,” Jillian muttered to the table. When she looked up she was struck by a death glare from Rebecca.  
  
“I suppose I should start then,” said Rebecca.  
  
Jillian shrugged, looking back to the table. Eye contact was hard enough when she wasn’t feeling like she’d betrayed her mother.  
  
“Jillian, please look at me, I don’t want to be having this talk with the top of your head,” said Rebecca.  
  
Slowly, Jillian raised her eyes.  
  
“Good,” said Rebecca, “I must say, Jillian, you’re not in my good books right now.”  
  
“I’m sorr—“ Jillian began to say.  
  
Rebecca cut her off, “Don’t offer me any apologies right now Jillian, I’m not in the mood to accept them. You betrayed my trust today. I should be able to leave you at home for a few hours and not have to worry about what intimate situations you might be getting into with your girlfriend.”  
  
Jillian stayed quiet, biting back the urge to apologise again.  
  
“You’re fifteen Jillian. You’re underage, and I don’t think you can quite grasp the emotional ramifications of your having sex right now. It’s a very intense and emotional thing, and I just don’t think you’re ready to handle that mentally,” then she added in a disgruntled tone, “physically, maybe yes, but not mentally.”  
  
Jillian felt a new wave of discomfort course through her, “We weren’t having,” she paused, “you know. We were just making out.”  
  
Rebecca pinched the bridge of her nose for a moment, collecting herself, “Jillian, the very fact that you’re saying ‘you know’ instead of ‘sex’ tells me that you are not mature enough to be partaking in the activity.”  
  
“We weren’t naked or anything,” said Jillian weakly.  
  
“Are you sure you read those pamphlets I gave you the other month?” Rebecca asked, “I saw where your hand was Jillian,” she added with a pointed look.  
  
Jillian just blushed.  
  
Rebecca ran her hand through her hair. Jillian recognised the motion, it was one of the tell-tale signs that Rebecca was frustrated with her.  
  
“What am I going to do with you Jillian?” She muttered, more to herself than to Jillian.  
  
Jillian shrugged and shrunk down in her chair. Rebecca rested her chin in her hand and regarded the young girl for a moment.  
  
“All right Jillian,” said Rebecca, “I think you’re too young to be having sex. You think you’re ready,” Rebecca paused to let Jillian confirm her statement.  
  
Instead Jillian surprised her, “I don’t know,” she mumbled.  
  
“Oh?” Rebecca questioned.  
  
“I thought I was…but…I don’t know anymore. I mean, I still want to do it,” said Jillian glancing quickly into Rebecca’s eyes, her cheeks ablaze, “but, I guess, maybe I’m not ready yet. You’re making it sound like a big deal.”  
  
“It is a big deal Jillian,” said Rebecca.  
  
“I think,” started Jillian, “I might…want to wait?”  
  
Rebecca smiled, “I can’t tell you how glad I am to hear that. You’re not just saying this because you think it’s what I want to hear are you?”  
  
Jillian shook her head, “Can I apologise to you yet?”  
  
Rebecca nodded gently.  
  
“I’m really, really sorry,” said Jillian quickly, “I don’t know what I was thinking. I really did mean to talk to you before we got further than kissing. I don’t know what came over me.”  
  
“Hormones,” replied Rebecca monotonously in answer.  
  
Jillian blushed again. Rebecca stood up and walked around the table to Jillian. Jillian stood up too. Rebecca wrapped the girl gently in her arms, Jillian was still small and Rebecca was able to rest her chin atop the girl’s curls.  
  
“I forgive you,” she said.  
  
She felt Jillian’s sigh of relief.  
  
“But from now on, when I’m not at home Bev isn’t allowed to be in here, but I’m getting you some dental dams anyway. Just in case,” she added.  
  
“Some what?” asked Jillian.  
  
“I guess our talk’s not quite over then,” sighed Rebecca, sitting back down. 


	7. Age 4: Presents

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jillian has a kind heart (and she's very excited about Christmas).

Rebecca had been exhausted lately. She had just finished her fourth month of working at Boston University. She was enjoying her time off for the Christmas holiday. She probably would have enjoyed it more if she didn’t have a four year old daughter waking her up at 5am every day, but nevertheless, it was nice to take a break from work.   
  
Rebecca was awoken that morning when she felt the mattress dip as somebody else climbed onto it. At first she thought it may have been her partner coming back to bed, before she remembered that she’d just gone through a break up a month earlier and that was probably very unlikely. It occurred to her that it was most likely Jillian, here to wake her up for another day of ‘fun’.   
  
She kept her eyes closed, savouring every last moment of sleep that she could before Jillian tried to wake her up. She felt little hands and feet digging into her stomach, then crawl up her body. Then she felt something cold touch her nose. With a sigh she opened her eyes.   
  
Jillian’s face was far too close to her. Their noses were touching. Rebecca couldn’t get her eyes to focus on Jillian’s.   
  
“Are you old?” asked Jillian.   
  
Rebecca resisted the urge to close her eyes and go back to sleep, it was much too early to deal with this today. Instead she reached under Jillian’s arms and lifted her off her chest. She was getting heavier.   
  
“Oof,” Rebecca exerted as she place Jillian on the bed next to her and sat up.   
  
Jillian looked at her curiously, waiting for an answer.   
  
“Good morning Jillian. No,” replied Rebecca, “I’m not old.”   
  
“Are you sure?” asked Jillian.    
  
“I’m 39, that’s not old,” Rebecca told her (and told herself a little too).   
  
Jillian prodded Rebecca’s face, “You have baggy eyes though,” she said.   
  
Rebecca gently pulled the tiny hand away from her eyes, “Thanks for that,” she mumbled, “they’re just there because I’m tired.”   
  
“Are you tired because you’re old?” Jillian asked inquisitively.  
  
“No,” replied Rebecca, “I’m tired because a certain someone keeps waking me up every morning before dawn.”  
  
Jillian looked around the room, “Who keeps doing that?” she asked, balling her hands into fists, “I’ll fight ‘em. Nobody’s going to make my Mommy tired.”   
  
Rebecca laughed and covered Jillian’s hands with her own, “It’s you sweetie, you’re the one who keeps waking me up too early.”   
  
“Oh,” said Jillian, slightly disappointed that she didn’t get to fight anybody, “well, I can wake you up, because we have to plaaaaay!” She drew out the word to emphasise its importance. Then she hopped off the bed and ran as quickly as she could out of the room.  
  
Rebecca sighed, casting her bed linen aside as she got up, “I can’t wait for the teenage years when I’ll have trouble getting you out of bed,” she grumbled.  
  
Rebecca grabbed her robe that was hanging on the hook on her bedroom door before following Jillian out into the living area. It was a very chilly morning and she already missed her warm bed.   
  
Jillian was sitting cross legged in front of their Christmas Tree, she turned around to face Rebecca when she heard her enter the room, “Is it Christmas today?” she asked.   
  
“No,” Rebecca shook her head, “two more days.”   
  
Jillian threw her head back and moaned, “But I want it to be Christmas today!”   
  
“I’m sorry Jillian, I can’t do anything about that.”   
  
Jillian looked at her with puppy dog eyes, “Can I pleeeaase open a present today?”   
  
“No,” said Rebecca, she headed into the kitchen in pursuit of coffee.   
  
Jillian trailed behind her, a little too closely, she crashed into the back of Rebecca’s legs when she stopped walking. She bounced back a bit and landed on her bottom. Her lower lip stuck out and her eyes began to water.   
  
Rebecca sighed and picked the girl up, resting her on her hip, “Jillian, that did not hurt that much.”   
  
“Yes it diiiiid!” whined Jillian.  
  
Rebecca shook her head, Jillian was so small that falls didn’t make much of a difference, she was already about as close to floor as a person could get.   
  
“I know what would make it better,” said Jillian as she wiped a crocodile tear from her eye.   
  
“Let me guess what you’re going to say,” said Rebecca.   
  
“Presents,” they both chorused.   
  
Jillian looked mad at Rebecca for guessing where she was going with that.   
  
“I said no,” Rebecca said firmly, “you can wait two more days.”   
  
“Why?” asked Jillian.   
  
“Because, they’re Christmas presents, they have to be opened on Christmas,” explained Rebecca.   
  
“Says who?”  
  
“Me,” replied Rebecca, putting Jillian back on the floor so she could finish making her much needed coffee.   
  
“That’s not fair,” Jillian huffed, crossing her arms.  
  
“Every other child has to wait until Christmas,” pointed out Rebecca.   
  
“What if I scream until you let me open one?” threatened Jillian.   
  
“Then you’ll be spending your day in time out,” replied Rebecca, “misbehaving won’t get you anywhere.”   
  
“You’re so mean,” grumbled Jillian.   
  
“I’m not being mean,” explained Rebecca, “you’re being unreasonable. I’ve told you why you can’t open your presents today, I need you to accept that it’s not going to happen and move on.”   
  
Jillian didn’t reply, she just shot an angry look at Rebecca, turned on her heel, and marched off to her bedroom.   
  
Rebecca sighed and carried her coffee to the kitchen table. She heard a door slam. She decided to drink her coffee and give Jillian a chance to cool off.   
  
Once her coffee was finished Rebecca took some time to shower and dress before she knocked on Jillian’s bedroom door.   
  
“Are you ready to act civilised again?” Rebecca asked.   
  
Jillian was lying face down on her bed, “Do I get a present?”  
  
“Not until Christmas,” replied Rebecca, “now, please stop this nonsense, I need you to help me run some errands today.”  
  
“M’not leaving this bed ’til I get a present,” mumbled Jillian into her pillow.   
  
“Then I guess you’re growing old and dying there,” said Rebecca, “because you’re not getting anything until you start behaving again.”   
  
Jillian sat up, a look of horror on her face, “What about Christmas?”  
  
“Forget about Christmas Jillian,” said Rebecca, “Good girls get presents, and I certainly don’t have any living under my roof. Just one petulant girl.”   
  
“Nooo!!” moaned Jillian, she tried to make amends, “I’m good!”   
  
“I don’t see any evidence of that,” said Rebecca nonchalantly.   
  
“No,” repeated Jillian, “I’m good, I’ll stop asking for presents! I clean my room! I’ll do anything!”   
  
Rebecca hummed, “How about you apologise for your behaviour and start acting like the good and kind Jillian that I know,” she suggested.   
  
“I’m sorry,” said Jillian mournfully, she reached out her arms for a hug. Rebecca scooped her up and sat down on the bed.   
  
“Would you have really cancelled Christmas?” asked Jillian.    
  
“Probably,” said Rebecca.  
  
“But then I’d be the only kid in the whole world who didn’t get a Christmas present,” exclaimed Jillian.   
  
“Now,” said Rebecca, releasing Jillian from the hug, “that’s not true. Lots of children don’t get presents on Christmas.”   
  
“Really?” asked Jillian, wide eyed.   
  
“Yes,” replied Rebecca, “some children don’t celebrate Christmas because of their religion. Some children are less fortunate than you, and their parents can’t afford to get them presents, and some don’t even have parents to give them presents.”   
  
Jillian looked deep in thought, “My parents are dead,” she said.   
  
“They are,” agreed Rebecca softly.   
  
“If I didn’t have you, does that mean I wouldn’t get Christmas presents?” Jillian asked.   
  
“I don’t know,” replied Rebecca honestly, “I don’t know what would have happened to you if I hadn’t adopted you.”   
  
“Can we help the kids who don’t get presents?” Jillian asked with a frown on her face.   
  
“What do you think you could do?” Rebecca prompted.   
  
Jillian was silent for a moment, thinking. She looked around her room for inspiration, “I could give them my old toys?”   
  
“You’d like to donate some of your toys?” confirmed Rebecca.   
  
Jillian nodded fervently. Rebecca enveloped her in a hug, “You’re a good girl Jillian. I love you so much.”   
  
Jillian blushed with pride, “Can you help me pick out which toys to give away?”   
  
Rebecca nodded.   
  
They started to go through some of Jillian’s toy boxes. As they were sorting through them Jillian asked, “What about the grown ups?”   
  
“I’m sorry?” asked Rebecca, not following Jillian’s train of thought.   
  
“There are grown ups who are poor too,” explained Jillian, “not just kids.”   
  
“That’s right,” said Rebecca, “do you want to help them too?”   
  
“Yes,” replied Jillian, she looked at the slinky she was holding, “but I guess they won’t want my old toys.”  
  
“Probably not,” agreed Rebecca.   
  
“What can I do for them?” asked Jillian.   
  
“Well, at Christmastime people volunteer at kitchens that offer free food for those who need it,” Rebecca told her.   
  
“Can I do that?” asked Jillian.   
  
“Well, I think four years old is maybe a little young,” said Rebecca, “but when you’re older, I’d be more than happy to let you volunteer at a place like that.”   
  
“Okay,” said Jillian firmly, “that’s what I’m going to do then.”   
  
“Good, I’ll remind you of that offer when you’re old enough to volunteer,” said Rebecca, “do you want to keep this?” she held up a teddy bear.   
  
“Yes!” Jillian snatched it out of her hands and brought it in to a tight hug.   
  
They sorted through all of Jillian’s things and put them into boxes to take to the toy drive. Jillian helped Rebecca carry the boxes to the door (she carried the shoe box full of trinkets). They had a pretty decent pile of donations. Rebecca had also included a box full of her old winter clothes that she didn’t wear any more, “for the grown ups,” she’d told Jillian.   
  
Rebecca dusted off her hands, “Right, I think we need some hot cocoa with marshmallows. What do you think?”   
  
“I think you’re right,” said Jillian. Rebecca started making their drinks while Jillian stared woefully at the Christmas tree.   
  
“Is it Christmas yet?” she asked.   
  
“Still two more days,” tutted Rebecca as she stirred Jillian’s cocoa.   
  
“But that’s how long it was the last time I asked,” said Jillian.   
  
“You only asked me this morning,” replied Rebecca.   
  
“Oh,” sighed Jillian, “I thought it had been longer.”   
  
Rebecca dropped a couple of marshmallows into each mug. She carried both of them to the table, placing Jillian’s on her placemat. Jillian sat down in front of her mug.   
  
“Thank you,” she said politely, “can I ask something?”  
  
“Of course,” replied Rebecca.   
  
“Will you tell me when it’s Christmas, so I don’t have to keep asking?” Jillian asked.   
  
Rebecca laughed quietly, “Of course, I will. I wouldn’t let us forget,” she replied, “I suppose I should get you a calendar for Christmas as well.”   
  
Jillian sipped her cocoa. She didn’t know exactly what a calendar was but it sounded important so she said, “Yes please.”   
  
Rebecca laughed again.


	8. Age 16: Break Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jillian goes through her first break up (as requested by Puszusz).

Rebecca was replacing the electromagnet on their toaster at the dining table (Jillian had unintentionally broken it).  
  
Jillian was on the phone with Bev. She was fiddling with her Screw U necklace. Rebecca had noticed that Jillian had taken to wearing that necklace on a daily basis. Rebecca saved her brooch for special occasions (mainly faculty meetings). Jillian was leaning casually against the kitchen counter. As she spoke to Bev she ceased fiddling with her necklace in exchange for twirling the phone cord in her fingers. Rebecca had realised a few years ago that Jillian always liked to keep her hands busy, perhaps that was the reason she was so adept in engineering.  
  
Suddenly Rebecca felt an electric current shock her fingertips, she swore and dropped the toaster. She’d barely been holding it an inch off the tabletop, but regardless, it landed with an almighty clatter. Jillian looked up in response to the sound.  
  
“Hang on,” she said into the phone, then to Rebecca she said, “see, I told you it wasn’t me, it’s the toaster, it’s evil,” then she turned her attention back to Bev.  
  
Rebecca wasn’t bothered enough to argue that they didn’t have an evil toaster, but rather, she hadn’t been paying enough attention to what she was doing. She picked the toaster back up and continued with the task at hand.  
  
When Jillian (finally) hung up the phone Rebecca had just finished putting the casing back on the toaster.  
  
“If you’re going to keep making lenghty calls like that I’m going to have to start asking you to contribute to the phone bill,” said Rebecca as she walked into the kitchen to put the toaster away.  
  
“I won’t have to next week,” said Jillian happily, “Bev’s coming back to Boston, she’s got the week off, for study break.”  
  
Rebecca looked dubious, “Please remember that you don’t have a study break next week Jillian. I expect you to show up to all of your classes. Just because your girlfriend will be here, it doesn’t excuse you.”  
  
“I know,” said Jillian, fully intending to skip a class or two, just none of Rebecca’s labs so she’d never find out.  
  
“Good,” said Rebecca, “now, do you have any studying to do right now, or can you spare an hour and help me with the groceries?”  
  
Jillian pretended to look at the watch she wasn’t wearing, “I got time,” she said.  
  
“Good, grab your coat,” Rebecca retrieved the car keys from their hook, “You can drive,” she held keys out for Jillian.  
  
  
“How are you feeling about the long distance relationship?” asked Rebecca once they were on the road.  
  
Jillian shrugged, “It’s fine. I wish she’d picked a closer college to study at, but we’re good,” she turned the steering wheel to go around the corner, changing (and grinding) the gears as she did so.  
  
“Clutch,” Rebecca reminded her.  
  
Jillian put her foot down and the grinding stopped.  
  
“Have you ever been in a long distance relationship?” asked Jillian.  
  
“No,” replied Rebecca simply, “take the next left.”  
  
Jillian obeyed, “Do you think they ever work out?”  
  
“Long distance relationships?” confirmed Rebecca.  
  
“Uh-huh,” sounded Jillian in response.  
  
“I think it depends on the couple,” replied Rebecca, “why are you asking? Are you worried about your relationship?”  
  
Jillian shrugged, “Not right now, things are great right now.”  
  
“You’re worried about the future,” stated Rebecca.    
  
Jillian shrugged again, “She’s doing a four year degree, that’s a long time.”  
  
“You’re doing a four year degree,” Rebecca pointed out.  
  
“Yeah,” said Jillian, “but I’m planning on finishing early.”  
  
“That’s a lot of unnecessary stress to put on yourself Jillian. You’d have to take extra units each semester,” said Rebecca.  
  
Their conversation turned to academics and neither brought up the relationship again.  
  
  
The week flew by and soon enough Bev was back in Boston. Bev and Jillian had made plans to go out for dinner on the Saturday night. Jillian was so exuberant. It had been over a month since she’d seen Bev and she was really missing her. She was so excited that she even allowed Rebecca to help her get ready, something Rebecca was excited about as Jillian never let her have any input in the way she presented herself.  
  
“Do you think I should take the necklace off?” Jillian asked, fiddling with the screw on the necklace in question.  
  
“If you want to,” replied Rebecca.  
  
“I don’t want Bev thinking that screw u is directed at her,” said Jillian.  
  
“Then don’t wear it,” said Rebecca, "do you want me to take it off for you?”  
  
Rebecca was currently standing behind a seated Jillian and brushing through the teenager’s messy curls. It seemed the older she got, the more unruly her hair became.  
  
“Yes please,” said Jillian.  
  
Rebecca tucked the hair brush under her arm and quickly unclasped the necklace, she dropped the metal into Jillian’s open palm. Rebecca resumed her efforts on Jillian's hair.  
  
“What are you doing?” Jillian asked in reference to her hair.  
  
“Just a hairstyle that I think will suit you,” responded Rebecca.  
  
“I don’t think any hair styles suit me,” said Jillian.  
  
“Oh?” prompted Rebecca.  
  
“Yeah, I just have hair because it’s there already. I was thinking about cutting it all off,” said Jillian, cautiously, not knowing what Rebecca’s response would be.  
  
“If that’s what you want to do,” replied Rebecca.  
  
“I haven’t decided yet,” said Jillian, “just something I was thinking about.”  
  
Rebecca didn’t reply, she was holding several bobby pins between her teeth as she inserted them into Jillian’s hair. Rebecca worked in silence for a while. When her mouth was free, she spoke again. She stood beside Jillian, teasing some of her hair that hadn’t been trapped in a bun.  
  
“So, what are your plans for tonight with Beverly?” She asked.  
  
“Bev’s booked us a table at that restaurant we went to for my birthday last year,” said Jillian.  
  
“The Italian one?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“Yep.”  
  
“That’s nice, a little pricey though, do you need me to give you some money?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“No,” replied Jillian, “Bev said tonight’s on her.”  
  
“What about after dinner? Are you going to a movie or anything or are you coming straight home?”  
  
Rebecca snagged a knot in Jillian’s hair.  
  
“Ouch!” complained Jillian.  
  
Rebecca lightly swatted her on the top of her head with the hairbrush, “Sorry. That didn’t hurt that much.”  
  
“Did too,” mumbled Jillian, “and I don’t know, Bev didn’t mention anything after that.”  
  
“Okay, if you end up going out afterward can you endeavour to contact me, so I don’t have to worry like last time?”  
  
“I will,” promised Jillian.  
  
“Do you need me to drive you or is Beverly picking you up?”  
  
“Bev.”  
  
“Done,” said Rebecca proudly, putting down the hairbrush.  
  
Jillian hopped up and ran into the bathroom to examine Rebecca’s handiwork.  
  
“Wow!” Rebecca heard her exclaim from the bathroom, she came running back out, “this looks so cool! Can you show me how to do it, so I can wear my hair like this to class?”  
  
Rebecca nodded, “It might be a safety hazard in the lab though.”  
  
Jillian looked affronted, “You say that about everything I like.”  
  
“Yes,” agreed Rebecca. “I’m starting to think _you_ might be the safety hazard,” she said jokingly.  
  
Jillian poked her tongue out at her.  
  
Rebecca waved a dismissive hand, “Can I do your makeup tonight?”  
  
Jillian pulled a disgusted face in response.  
  
“So that’s a no then?”  
  
Jillian looked at her watch, “Er, Bev’s going to be here in fifteen minutes! I gotta get dressed.” She headed back down the hall and into her bedroom.  
  
Jillian dressed and hurried out of her room with two minutes to spare.  
  
“Very nice,” said Rebecca appraising her outfit. Jillian was looking very dapper in a black pin striped vest over a white blouse with lace cuffs, and flared red trousers. Her glasses were rested on top of her new hairdo.  
  
Jillian smiled in response, then sat down on the couch to wait for Bev.  
  
Bev arrived about five minutes late. Jillian sprung up from the couch when she heard the doorbell ring and she pressed the button to let her into the building. When Bev came into the apartment she briskly kissed Jillian on the lips, adding a “you look amazing” in a whisper to her, and nodded a hello to Rebecca.  
  
“Good evening Beverly,” said Rebecca, “how are your studies going?”  
  
“Really good,” said Bev with enthusiasm, “We’re only six weeks in, but we’re already learning so much, I’m loving it.”  
  
“Tell her the story you told me the other day,” Jillian prompted Bev.  
  
Bev laughed, “Oh yeah! For one of my classes we got to go into a real veterinary surgery and observe a desexing, one of the guys totally fainted before the dog even got the anaesthesia!”  
  
Jillian looked at her, “Did he ever come back to class?”  
  
Bev shook her head, “Not yet, it’s been a week since anyone’s seen him!”  
  
Rebecca smiled, then looked at the clock, “What time is your booking?”  
  
Bev looked at the clock as well, “Shit, we gotta get a move on! Let’s go Jill.” She took Jillian’s hand and dragged her out of the apartment.  
  
“Have a good time!” Rebecca called after them.  
  
  
Jillian contentedly pushed her empty spaghetti bowl away from her. She was full but she still took some garlic bread out of the basket and began to pick at it. Bev sipped some water from her glass and looked at Jillian over the top of it. Jillian wasn’t the best at picking up body language, but she could swear Bev looked nervous about something.  
  
“You ‘kay?” Jillian asked with a slight tilt of her head.  
  
“Umm, yeah,” said Bev uncomfortably, “listen Jill, I gotta talk to you about something.”  
  
Jillian didn’t know what Bev was about to say, but nevertheless she got a strange sinking feeling in her stomach, “Okay,” she said nervously.  
  
“Umm,” mumbled Bev, “I really like you, like, really like you, but, umm, I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”  
  
“What?” Jillian asked, barely audible.  
  
“It’s just. It’s been really hard. Being apart from you, and I don’t know. I just feel like this isn’t working anymore,” stuttered Bev.  
  
Jillian looked at the bread in her hand, “Is, umm, is there…someone else?” Her eyes flicked back up to Bev.  
  
Bev shook her head, “No, I just. I feel like I can’t commit to you anymore.”  
  
Jillian felt sick, her heart felt like it was throbbing, “I don’t understand. I thought things were going great.”  
  
“They are…were,” Bev tried dismally to reassure her, “but, this all just feels like too much work now. I want to focus on my studies. And I don’t want to drag you along when I think we’d both be better off apart. I really don’t want to hurt you Jill. I just can’t do this anymore.”  
  
Jillian couldn’t look at her anymore. She gazed just above Bev’s head, trying to hold in the tears that were forming in her eyes, she sighed heavily, “I don’t know what to say,” she said honestly.  
  
“Say you’ll be okay,” replied Bev, “say you think this is for the best too. Say you’ll be happy again. With someone else.”  
  
Jillian nodded, “I can’t right now. But will you say those things to me. I don’t want you to be unhappy…if this is what you want.”  
  
“It is,” said Bev, “I think this is for the best. And I think we’ll both be okay. Eventually.”  
  
Jillian nodded again.  
  
“I still want to be friends,” said Bev, “you’re a pretty cool chick and I don’t want to let you out of my life just yet.”  
  
Jillian exerted the breath she didn’t know she was holding, “I don’t want to lose you either.”  
  
Bev nodded, standing up from the table, “I’m going to go pay. Do you still want me to drive you home?”  
  
Jillian shook her head, “No thanks, I’ll call my Mom if that’s okay?”  
  
“Yeah,” said Bev, she came around the table to give Jillian a hug, “Good bye Jillian.” She breathed in Jillian’s scent on her hair and for a moment was tempted to ask for forgiveness and stay with her, but she tried to remain strong. She straightened up and left.  
  
Jillian didn’t move from the table for a while. She sat there and broke her garlic bread into tiny crumbs. She shaped the crumbs into patterns on her bread plate as she tried to process what had just happened. It felt like the break up came from nowhere, but at the same time, she felt like it had been a long time coming since Bev had moved out of state. She eventually got up and used the restaurant’s phone to call Rebecca when a waiter came over and asked if she was okay.  
  
  
Rebecca was just walking back into the apartment with a basket full of clean laundry when she heard the phone ring. She put the basket on the kitchen table and picked up the phone.  
  
“Hello?” Rebecca answered.  
  
“Hi,” said Jillian.  
  
“Jillian,” said Rebecca, recognising her voice, “are you on your way home or are you calling to tell me that you two going out somewhere now?”  
  
Jillian was quiet.  
  
“Jillian?” Rebecca asked.  
  
She heard a huff of air come through the phone before Jillian spoke, “Can you come pick me up?” Jillian said softly.  
  
“Of course,” replied Rebecca, “are you okay?”  
  
Jillian didn’t answer again.  
  
“Jillian?” Rebecca asked again. When no answer came she asked, “Where are you? Are you still at the restaurant?”  
  
“Yeah,” said Jillian, her voice catching in her throat.  
  
“All right, stay there. I’m on my way.” Rebecca hung up and grabbed her car keys.  
  
  
Fifteen minutes later Rebecca hurriedly walked through the door of the restaurant, her long coat billowed around her frame. She found Jillian leaning against the wall near the kitchen and rushed over to her. Jillian looked okay, a little shell-shocked if anything, she was wearing her yellow lensed glasses and it was hard for Rebecca to read her. Rebecca stopped walking when she reached Jillian, she didn’t reach out to touch her, knowing that when she was distressed it was one of those rare times when she didn’t seek human contact.  
  
Jillian had been staring at her shoes until Rebecca stopped in front of her, she looked up, relief evident on her face.  
  
Rebecca looked at her, concerned. “Are you okay? Where’s Beverly?”  
  
Jillian reacted quite strongly to her ex’s name. She tried to gulp in a sob.  
  
“Okay, okay,” said Rebecca sympathetically, realising what must have happened, “Can I touch you?”  
  
Jillian nodded, trying to stop herself before she started bawling in the restaurant. Rebecca reached a comforting arm over Jillian’s shoulders and guided her out of the restaurant to the parked car. When they reached the car Rebecca stopped walking and pulled Jillian into a warm hug. Her coat wrapped around both of them. Jillian leaned into the embrace, taking comfort from being surrounded in her mother’s warmth. Rebecca gently rested her chin on top of Jillian’s head. After a long while of the two of them standing there, Rebecca finally felt Jillian relax, her shoulders slumped and she exhaled. Rebecca pulled away from her, but kept her hands on Jillian’s shoulders. She examined her face for a moment. Her eyes looked puffy from crying under her glasses and tears had finally escaped her eyes and stained her cheeks. Jillian sniffed and wiped her nose with her sleeve.  
  
“Time to go home?” Rebecca asked.  
  
Jillian sniffed again and nodded. Rebecca unlocked the car and they both got in. Jillian was silent the whole way home, she just stared out of the window as Rebecca drove.  
  
When they arrived at their apartment Rebecca had barely unlocked the door before Jillian hurried into her bedroom and shut the door behind her. Rebecca felt out of her depth, she didn’t know if she should give Jillian space or go in there and try to talk to her. Instead she decided to fold the laundry and try and gain some footing in the situation before speaking with Jillian. When she was done with the laundry, she picked up the stack of Jillian’s freshly folded clothes and carried them to her bedroom. She knocked on the door.  
  
“Come in,” said Jillian.  
  
Rebecca pushed the door open with her hip and held up Jillian’s clothes, “Laundry,” she announced, she put the stack down on Jillian’s chest of drawers.  
  
Jillian was sitting on her bed with a notebook and a selection of physics books spread out in front of her. She’d put her Screw U necklace back on. Rebecca walked over to the bed and sat down. She observed Jillian for a moment. Jillian looked okay now, a little tired and her eyes were bloodshot from crying, but other than that she seemed fine.  
  
“Do you want to talk about it?” Rebecca asked.  
  
Jillian shrugged, “Not much to talk about. She broke up with me,” Jillian spoke so nonchalantly that Rebecca was a little worried that she might not be processing it very well. Jillian didn’t look at Rebecca, she continued to study her notes.  
  
“I’m sorry Jillian,” said Rebecca sympathetically.  
  
“It’s whatever,” she shrugged, “I’ll be fine.”  
  
“Are you sure?” asked Rebecca, “break ups aren’t easy Jillian. It’s okay if you’re feeling hurt.”  
  
“I’ll get over it.” Jillian picked up a highlighter and underlined something in one of the books.  
  
“That’s my book,” said Rebecca.  
  
“Shit, sorry. Forgot,” apologised Jillian.  
  
“Language,” reprimanded Rebecca.  
  
“Sorry,” Jillian repeated, “Anyway, I’m fine so you don’t have to keep hovering, I’ve got a lot of work to do.”  
  
Rebecca stood up, “If that’s what you want.”  
  
“It is.”  
  
Rebecca left, pausing in the doorway and adding, “Jillian.” Jillian looked up. “I’m always here if you need to talk, any time.”  
  
Jillian briefly nodded before turning her attention back to her work.  
  
  
Rebecca went to bed later than usual that night. She’d stayed up as long as she could in case Jillian emerged from her bedroom. Rebecca was not much of a night person and she had to give in to sleep before Jillian did. She’d gotten around three hours of sleep before she was woken up at 2am by someone flopping down on the mattress next to her. She rolled over and found herself face to face with Jillian. The moonlight illuminated the room through the thin curtains, so they could both see each other clearly.  
  
“Is it okay if I sleep here tonight?” Jillian whispered.  
  
“Of course,” replied Rebecca. She shuffled over so Jillian would have some more space.  
  
Rebecca reached out and stroked the side of Jillian’s face affectionately. Jillian relaxed instantly at her touch.  
  
“How are you feeling?” Rebecca asked gently.  
  
Jillian chewed her lip, silent in thought, before she answered, “Sad,” she said honestly, “I was so not expecting to be broken up with tonight.”  
  
“I know sweetie,” said Rebecca.  
  
“Apart from that, it was a really nice night,” said Jillian, “we had a really good time. The food was amaaaazing.”  
  
Rebecca smiled sadly.  
  
Jillian rolled onto her back and stared at the ceiling for a while. Rebecca stayed where she was, watching her. She’d almost drifted back off to sleep when Jillian spoke again.  
  
“Do you think friendships between exes ever work out?” She asked, still staring at the ceiling.  
  
“I think it depends on the couple,” replied Rebecca.  
  
“Do you think Bev and I can make it as friends?”  
  
“You can only try,” said Rebecca honestly.  
  
“Are you friends with any of your exes?” Jillian asked. Then before Rebecca could respond she added, rolling over to face her, “Wait. Do you even have any exes?”  
  
Rebecca smiled slightly at her, “Jillian, I’m 51 years old, of course I have exes, you know that. And no, I’m not friends with any of them.”  
  
“Why not?” Jillian asked.  
  
“We got older and we grew apart. That’s just what happens sometimes,” said Rebecca.  
  
Jillian yawned causing Rebecca to cover her mouth (an action that Jillian did not do) in response with a yawn of her own.  
  
“I hope Bev and I can stay friends,” she mumbled.  
  
Rebecca blinked slowly, tiredness taking over.  
  
“I’m keeping you awake,” said Jillian.  
  
“It’s fine. I said we could talk anytime and I meant it,” Rebecca reassured her.  
  
“Thanks,” said Jillian sincerely, “I’m done now anyway.”  
  
Rebecca rubbed her arm, “You’re freezing,” she said, “Get under the covers.”  
  
“I’m fine,” said Jillian.  
  
Rebecca looked at her sternly.  
  
“Okay, okay.” Jillian awkwardly manoeuvred herself under the covers. She wiggled down and tried to get comfortable. Once she was settled she turned to Rebecca, wanting to talk some more, but she saw that Rebecca had already fallen asleep again. She decided not to wake her, instead she rested her head on Rebecca’s plump pillow and fell into a deep slumber as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those wondering, the hairstyle that Rebecca gives her is the one Holtz has in the movie.


	9. Age 17: Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Holtzmann_lover said: holtz (like age 17) gets curious about her parents and what they were like before they died so she does some investigating and maybe dr. gorin gets a little upset because she didn’t come to her.

Jillian’s earliest memory was probably sitting under the Christmas tree with Rebecca when she was four years old. She remembered being so happy that day. Rebecca was happy too. Jillian was opening presents. She didn’t remember anything that she’d been given (except a calendar, which in reflection seemed like a strange present to give a four year old and she didn’t know why Rebecca had bought it for her). It didn’t matter what she got, it was the feeling that kept that memory alive. They were both so happy.  
  
Before that day, Jillian couldn’t remember anything. Sometimes certain smells would remind her of being very little, but no memories would come to her. Just emotions. She was happy with Rebecca, but still, she couldn’t help but feel a sadness when she tried in vain to recall anything about her birth parents.  
  
Jillian had found herself feeling a little melancholy about it. Of course, Rebecca was her mother, and nothing would ever take that away. But she wanted to know more about her birth parents, who were they? What were they like? Was she like them? And the final question that was plaguing her, how did they die?  
  
She didn’t want to ask Rebecca. She didn’t want to offend her, or make her feel like she wasn’t enough for her. Jillian didn’t even know where to start. She couldn’t even remember her parents’ names. She never brought it up and neither did Rebecca. Jillian figured that Rebecca must have known her parents when they were still alive because there was a photo on their wall of a younger Rebecca holding an infant Jillian at the hospital and Jillian was nearly three when Rebecca adopted her. Jillian didn’t want to make Rebecca sad by reminding her of people she had lost. So, she decided to take it upon herself to find out the information she needed to know.  
  
Firstly, she needed the house to herself so she could do a bit of investigating, or rather, snooping.  
  
Early in the morning Rebecca was reading the paper and eating a bowl of muesli before work. Jillian came into the kitchen.  
  
“Morning,” she said with a chipper tone of voice.  
  
Rebecca looked up at her suspiciously, “Good morning.”  
  
Jillian was not a morning person, so her attitude was concerning Rebecca. What was she up to?  
  
“Are you working all day today?” Jillian asked.  
  
“Until four,” replied Rebecca. “Why?”  
  
“Oh, no reason. Just curious,” said Jillian, trying to act casual. She failed.  
  
“You’re not having any visitors are you?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“Yes. I’m throwing a huge party in the middle of a Tuesday,” said Jillian sarcastically. “No, I was just asking coz I was going to ask if you could drive me to the library this afternoon. But your busy, so it’s cool, I’ll go some other time.”  
  
Rebecca bought the lie, “You wouldn’t need me to drive you anywhere if you hadn’t gotten your licence suspended,” Rebecca told her.  
  
“When are you going to stop bringing that up?” Jillian asked.  
  
“Probably about two years after you get it back,” replied Rebecca. She stood up and carried her empty bowl to the sink. She looked at the clock. “All right, I’ve got to go. Would you please put some effort into cleaning your bedroom while I’m gone?”  
  
“Sure,” said Jillian with no intentions of obeying.  
  
“Thank you,” Rebecca ducked into the bathroom to brush her teeth and then grabbed her car keys and left.  
  
Jillian waited for five minutes after Rebecca left, just in case she came back for whatever reason. Then she went into the computer room. Rebecca kept all of her important documents in a filing cabinet in there. Jillian figured that her adoption papers were probably somewhere in that cabinet, and maybe other documents with information pertinent to her search, if she was lucky.  
  
Fortunately Rebecca kept her documents well organised and there was even a file labelled with Jillian’s name. She pulled it out and sat down on the floor.  
  
The documents that the file contained ranged from hospital bills and school records to old blue prints for inventions that she’d made up in elementary school. Jillian appreciated the sentiment of Rebecca’s keeping those even though, looking at them now, she realised none of them would have ever worked. At the bottom of the stack of papers was her birth certificate and atop that was her adoption papers.  
  
Jillian read through them, she felt bizarrely sentimental and had to wipe tears from her eyes, which confused her, there was nothing of sentiment about the papers, just facts. Jillian learned that her father’s name was Tobias Holtzmann and her mother was Lisa Holtzmann. She couldn’t find any further information about her parents, but she did notice that the anniversary of her adoption was only a month and a half away.  
  
That was the end of her search for the day. She needed to get to the library to look up the death records of her parents and to check online and see if she could find anything. Rebecca had recently bought a dial-up modem to access to the Internet, but it was connected Rebecca’s computer and Jillian didn’t know her password.  
  
So that was that. No more research until Rebecca could drive her to the library. And who knew when she’d be able to do that?  
  
As it turned out, the opportunity to visit the library came a lot sooner than expected.  
  
“Jillian,” said Rebecca the next morning during breakfast, “Did you still want to go to the library?”  
  
Jillian nodded, her mouth currently too busy to talk with a larger than necessary bite of bacon occupying it.  
  
“Excellent, I need to get some more reference material for an article I’m working on, so why don’t we go after the lab today?” Rebecca suggested.  
  
Jillian’s original plan had been to get Rebecca to drop her off, so she wouldn’t have to be looking over her shoulder all the time in case Rebecca came up behind her. But she was desperate to learn more about her parents, so she decided to take the risk. “Sounds good,” she said after swallowing her food.  
  
  
That afternoon Jillian pretended to be headed to the fiction section of the library, Rebecca really headed to the reference books. As soon as Rebecca was out of sight Jillian ducked around and headed to the periodicals. She figured she’d be able to find a death notice for her parents in an old newspaper. Not knowing the exact date of their deaths she ended up searching through over a month’s worth of newspapers, and with no luck.  
  
Her next port of call was the computers. She found a free one that was facing a wall (just in case Rebecca came over to her). Once she was seated she fired up Yahoo and searched her parents names. Interestingly enough, the first few results were some journal articles written by each of her parents. From the titles alone she deduced that both of her parents had been particle physicists. She was intrigued, she hit the print button on the first three articles she had found. Once the papers were in her hands she shoved them into her book bag to hide them from Rebecca, she would read them later in the privacy of her room.  
  
And then she saw it. The death notice.  
  
Shaking slightly she clicked on the link. A scanned newspaper article began to load…very slowly. Their birth and death dates appeared first. Her dad had been 35 years old and her mom had been 29. Jillian had been right about their deaths, the anniversary was coming up very soon. Then their names appeared. Jillian already knew that part, so she sat back and waited for the page to load some more. Then something caught her eye at the end of her mother’s name. In parenthesis it read ‘ _(nee Gorin)’_.  
  
_Wait_ , thought Jillian, _what_?  
  
She suddenly became aware of a presence over her shoulder. Rebecca was sitting in the chair of the adjacent computer. How long had she been there? Jillian hit the close button on the browser, but it was too late. Rebecca had seen the page.  
  
Rebecca looked sad but she smiled comfortingly at her and waited for her to speak. Jillian didn’t know what to say. Shouldn’t Rebecca be mad at her for looking up the parents that didn’t even raise her?  
  
Eventually Rebecca broke the silence, “You were looking up your parents.”  
  
“Yes,” said Jillian, not knowing what else to say.  
  
“Why?” Rebecca asked, Jillian noticed that she _did_ sound hurt, “Why didn’t you just come to me?”  
  
“I didn’t want to upset you, coz you’re my mom. And I didn’t want you to think that I think I think you’re not enough for me, coz you are, more than enough. I didn’t want to hurt your feelings.”  
  
Rebecca blinked slowly, “If you’re curious about your parents, my feelings aren’t going to be hurt Jillian. It’s natural for you to want to know about your past and where you came from.”  
  
“I’m sorry.”  
  
“Jillian, the only thing that upsets me about this situation is the fact that you didn’t just come to me in the first place. I could have told you all that you want to know.”  
  
“I feel guilty,” Jillian told her honestly, “I don’t remember them at all.”  
  
“You were very young,” Rebecca told her.  
  
“I didn’t even remember their names.”  
  
Rebecca sighed, “That’s my fault. I should have spoken more about them with you. It’s just…difficult for me to think about them, especially your mother.”  
  
Jillian remembered what she had read, “That death notice said my mother’s last name used to be Gorin. Was she…?” Jillian trailed off.  
  
Rebecca nodded, “Yes, she was my younger sister.”  
  
“So,” thought Jillian aloud, “you’re technically my aunt?”  
  
“Technically yes.”  
  
“A huh,” hummed Jillian.  
  
“Are you okay with that?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“Ah, yeah,” said Jillian, “it’s just. Ummm. It’s a bit weird, coz you’re my Mom, but you’re also…my aunt.”  
  
“You’re the one who wanted to start calling me your mother,” Rebecca told her.  
  
“I am?”  
  
“Yes, after you’d been living with me for…oh, I suppose it was a little over a year, you asked me if it was all right. You told me that even though you still loved Lisa, you wanted to have a Mom again. Well, you said Mommy back then. I told you if it made you happy then you could. It’s been that way ever since,” said Rebecca.  
  
“Oh,” said Jillian.  
  
“You don’t have to keep it up. Now that you’ve remembered that I’m your aunt, if it makes you uncomfortable…”  
  
“No, it’s fine. You’re my Mom. It’s just a lot to get my head around,” said Jillian.  
  
Rebecca didn’t reply, she just sat and watched Jillian.  
  
“Is it bad that I don’t remember them?” Jillian asked.  
  
“It’s not unexpected.”  
  
“Can you tell me about them?” Jillian asked nervously.  
  
Rebecca nodded, “What do you want to know?”  
  
“I don’t know,” shrugged Jillian.  
  
Rebecca patted her knee, “You don’t have to ask right now. The offer is open, whenever you think of something you want to know, just ask and I’ll answer.”  
  
Suddenly Jillian felt overwhelmed, “Can we go home now?”  
  
  
Jillian didn’t bring up her parents again until much later that night. She’d already gone to bed and had read the articles that she’d printed out. She felt so connected to her parents, just from reading the words they’d written. She got out of bed and walked into the hallway, Rebecca’s door was shut but she could see a faint light coming through the space under the door. She knocked.  
  
“Come in,” Rebecca’s voice sounded from behind the door.  
  
Jillian opened it. Rebecca was sitting up under the covers with a book on her lap.  
  
“Are you all right?” Rebecca asked.  
  
Jillian nodded, “Can we talk?”  
  
Rebecca put the book on her bedside table and patted the empty side of the bed. Jillian climbed on and sat next to Rebecca.  
  
“What were they like?” Jillian asked.  
  
“Your parents?” Rebecca asked. Jillian nodded. Rebecca continued, “They were lovely.  They loved you. They were both particle physicists at a lab in Vancouver, Lisa did a lot of volunteer work. Tobias used to make replica munitions”  
  
“Cool! Wait? Does that mean I used to live in Canada?” Jillian asked.  
  
“No, just before you were born they moved back to Boston to be closer to their families. Your Mom took a job at MIT and your Dad stayed home with you,” said Rebecca.  
  
Jillian remember attending Rebecca’s father’s funeral when she was five or six, and she’d known then that Rebecca’s mother had been dead for years, “Is my Dad’s family still here?”  
  
“I don't know, they've probably gone back to Germany by now. They never liked me. After I won custody of you, they never contacted me again. I certainly never contacted them,” Rebecca told her.  
  
Jillian wondered if she should try to find her paternal grandparents. She filed it away as a question for another day. “Where did my parents meet?”  
  
“At MIT. When they were students, they both had a few classes together,” Rebecca told her.  
  
“I read some journal articles that they wrote.”  
  
“You did? What did you think?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“They were very smart. I had to keep looking stuff up,” said Jillian.  
  
“Their research was a bit more advanced than what you’re learning at the moment. I’m sure in a few years time you’ll be able to understand it perfectly.”  
  
Jillian nodded and leaned into Rebecca, resting her head on her shoulder. She was quiet for a while, then she asked, almost too quietly to be heard, “How did they die?”  
  
She felt Rebecca sigh heavily.  
  
“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to talk about it,” said Jillian quickly.  
  
Rebecca looked at her softly, “No, it’s fine. You have every right to know.”  
  
“Okay,” said Jillian quietly.  
  
“Besides,” added Rebecca, “this isn’t the first time I’ve told you. I was the one who told you after it happened.”  
  
“Oh, I don’t remember.”  
  
“I do,” said Rebecca, “you were inconsolable at the time.”  
  
“Well, I promise I won’t be this time,” said Jillian with false bravado.  
  
“It’s okay if it makes you sad Jillian. They were your parents,” Rebecca tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear.  
  
“Okay,” said Jillian, ready to hear it.  
  
“There was a fire. It started in the basement but no one knows what caused it. Lisa rescued you and carried you out. When she went back in to find Tobias and the roof caved in,” Rebecca told her.  
  
Jillian fiddled silently with the hem of her pyjama top. They both sat in silence for a while.  
  
“It’s been fourteen years,” said Jillian.  
  
“Almost to the day. Thursday week is the anniversary,” Rebecca told her.  
  
“Do you do anything on that day?”  
  
“No.”  
  
“Why not?”  
  
“I don’t know if you’ve noticed this about me Jillian,” said Rebecca, “but I’m not overly sentimental about things.”  
  
“Yeah, but she was your sister,” said Jillian.  
  
Rebecca sighed, “I know. Sometimes it’s just easier to forget. Maybe that’s why I haven’t really talked to you about your parents before.”  
  
“I’m sorry.”  
  
“It’s fine Jillian. I said I’d tell you anything you wanted to know. Please don’t let my feelings get in the way of that. You have every right to know about them,” said Rebecca.  
  
Jillian looked up at Rebecca from her place on her shoulder, “Do you think we could do something this year?” She asked cautiously.  
  
Rebecca nodded, “If that’s something you’d like to do.”  
  
“It is,” said Jillian.  
  
“What were you thinking?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“I don’t know? Where are they?” Jillian asked.  
  
“They were both cremated. You and I released their ashes at a park near where you used to live,” Rebecca told her.  
  
“Could we go there?”  
  
“Yes, we can.”  
  
“Thanks,” said Jillian. Then she clambered off the bed. “I’m going to go to bed now.”  
  
Rebecca nodded, “Are you okay? With everything I’ve told you?”  
  
“Yeah, I’m just tired,” said Jillian, she stopped in the doorway, “Night.”  
  
“Good night Jillian,” said Rebecca.  
  
“Love you,” smiled Jillian. Then she turned and walked away.  
  
“I love you too,” said Rebecca to Jillian’s retreating form.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm interested in everybody's opinion on this: 
> 
> Should I restrict this fic to stories about Jillian growing up, stopping at age 18, or should I just tell stories about Rebecca and Holtzmann as a family, carrying on into Holtz's adulthood?


	10. Age 8: Infested

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One of the kids I look after is always trying to make bargains with me, so I thought I'd have Jillian do the same with Rebecca. 
> 
> April 1992  
> Elementary School

  
  
“Can we get a Super Nintendo?” Jillian asked out of the blue one morning.  
  
Rebecca was standing at the stove making pancakes. “I don’t know what that is,” she told her.  
  
“It’s a video game console,” said Jillian, “they came out last year. They’re only about $200, so can we get one?”  
  
“ _Only_ ,” repeated Rebecca with a scoff.  
  
“Please,” begged Jillian.  
  
Rebecca looked at her with disdain, “No. You don’t need one Jillian. It’ll only be a distraction to you.” Rebecca flipped a pancake.  
  
Jillian scratched the back of her head. “Please, if I have one, then I can invite people over to play it. Don’t you want me to have friends?”  
  
Rebecca glared at her, “That’s a manipulative move Jillian,” she said sternly.  
  
“Please, what if I promise to—“ started Jillian with a whine.  
  
Rebecca interrupted her, “I’m not bargaining with you Jillian. I’ve said no.”  
  
Jillian huffed. Rebecca put the last pancake atop the stack and carried the plate to the table. Jillian followed her to the table and they both sat down. Rebecca dished the pancakes out onto their plates, one for her and three for Jillian.  
  
“What are you doing in school today Jillian?” Rebecca asked, changing the subject.  
  
Jillian drowned her breakfast in syrup, she shrugged, “We’ve got gym today. We’re playing basketball.”  
  
Jillian enjoyed gym class but she was hopeless at it.  
  
“That sounds like fun,” said Rebecca after swallowing the last of her pancake.  
  
Jillian scratched behind her ear. “Yeah, I like basketball. My team won last week.”  
  
“Well, I hope you win this week too,” said Rebecca. She stood up and started clearing her plate and the condiments. “Hurry up and finish your breakfast Jillian, I need to drop you off a little earlier than usual today, I have a meeting with a grad student this morning.”  
  
Jillian shoveled the rest of her food into her mouth.  
  
  
Rebecca was late picking Jillian up from school that day. When she pulled into a parking spot she saw Jillian leaning against the fence waiting for her. Jillian opened the door and got in without saying hello.  
  
“I’m sorry I’m late Jillian, I got held up at work,” Rebecca apologised, "and you're supposed to wait for me at your classroom." She pulled the car out of the spot and began the drive home.  
  
Jillian shrugged, Rebecca looked at her. She looked especially scruffy this afternoon. Her hair was overly frizzy.  
  
“We might need to get your hair trimmed soon,” mused Rebecca, “it looks like it’s getting a little unmanageable.  
  
Jillian’s only response was to rub her hair briefly with the flat of her palm. They drove in silence for a while.  
  
“What if I pay for it myself?” Jillian asked.  
  
“Pay for what?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“The Super Nintendo,” said Jillian as if it were obvious.  
  
“I thought we’d dropped this topic,” said Rebecca.  
  
Jillian tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “You did, I didn’t,” she said simply.    
  
“Where would you get $200 from?” Rebecca asked out of interest.  
  
“I dunno. I could rob a bank,” said Jillian nonchalantly.  
  
Rebecca looked at her sharply.  
  
“Kidding!” Jillian shrunk down in her seat.  
  
Rebecca sighed, “Listen Jillian. Let’s make a deal. If you can think of a _legal_ way to raise the funds to buy this Nintendo thing and we can talk about it seriously then I might, _might_ , consider letting you buy one once you’ve earned the money. Deal?”  
  
“Really?” Jillian asked, “Yes! Thank you!”  
  
  
The next day on the drive home Jillian was completely silent. Rebecca tried to start up a conversation several times only to have it fall flat with Jillian giving nervous one word replies to everything she said.  
  
When they arrived home Rebecca decided she would put an end to it there and then. Jillian tried to escape to her bedroom but Rebecca called her back.  
  
“Not so fast Jillian!” Rebecca called, “come back here please.”  
  
Reluctantly Jillian turned around and walked back to Rebecca who was still standing by the front door hanging up her coat.  
  
“Yeah?” She asked begrudgingly.  
  
“What’s with the attitude?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“What attitude?” Jillian said defensively.  
  
“That attitude,” replied Rebecca, “you’ve barely said two words to me since I picked you up. What’s going on?”  
  
Jillian shuffled nervously.  
  
Rebecca raised an eyebrow, “Jillian.”  
  
“I don’t want to say,” mumbled Jillian. She started to run a hand through her hair, but seemed to notice what she was doing and stopped herself.  
  
“What could you be so nervous to tell me about?” Rebecca asked, she ran through a list in her head of anything an eight year old girl could be nervous to talk about.  
  
“It’s embarrassing.”  
  
“I’m your Mom,” Rebecca reminded her, “you shouldn’t be embarrassed to tell me anything.”  
  
Jillian looked nervous as she reached into her pocket and pulled out a scrunched up piece of paper. She held it out to Rebecca. Apprehensively, Rebecca took the paper from her, she maintained eye contact with Jillian as she straightened out the creases. She read it quickly and raised an eyebrow at Jillian.  
  
“This is it?” She asked.  
  
Jillian nodded.  
  
Rebecca shook her head, “Why were you afraid to give me this. This isn’t embarrassing, it’s just a normal part of being around other children. As normal as catching a cold.”  
  
Jillian scrunched up her nose, “But it’s gross.”  
  
“It’s head lice Jillian. It’s not the plague,” said Rebecca.    
  
“Well, the way all of the teachers reacted you woulda thought it was a plague,” said Jillian.  
  
“I’m sorry your teachers made you feel like that. They should be used to children with head lice, it’s a very frequent occurrence,” Rebecca said.  
  
“Can we just get rid of them?” Jillian asked with a scratch of her head.  
  
Rebecca nodded, “Go and put all of your pillow cases and sheets in the laundry basket, we’ll deal with that first.”  
  
“Why?” Jillian asked.  
  
“Because your head has been on them for several hours every night, there’s bound to be some lingering trace of lice or nits there, and I don’t want you getting re-infested immediately after we get rid of them,” Rebecca answered.  
  
“Okay,” Jillian did as she was told and they both made a trip down to the laundry room.  
  
Once they were back in the apartment Rebecca led Jillian into the bathroom and took a bottle of conditioner from the shelf in the shower. “Can you get a clean towel out?” Rebecca asked.  
  
Jillian did so. Rebecca took the towel from her and draped it over Jillian's shoulders. Then she squeezed a generous dollop of the conditioner out of the bottle and lathered it over Jillian’s head. She thoroughly covered the girl’s hair. Jillian watched as Rebecca opened a drawer and rifled through it for a while before pulling out a tiny toothed comb.  
  
“What’s that?” Jillian asked curiously.  
  
“It's a lice and nit comb,” Rebecca showed her, it had miniscule and very close together teeth, and there was an inbuilt magnifying glass on it.  
  
Rebecca ushered Jillian out of the room and into the kitchen. She left Jillian standing at the kitchen table as she went into the living area and fetched a cushion from the couch. She carried it back to Jillian and dropped it on the floor in front of Jillian. She swung a chair around so it was facing the cushion, “Sit down,” she indicated the place on the floor that she’d just made. Jillian obeyed.  
  
Rebecca went into the kitchen and filled a bowl with water, and pulled the paper towels down from the cupboard. Then she went back to Jillian, she swung a leg over her as she sat down on the chair so Jillian was in front of her and between her knees.  
  
Rebecca began the arduous task of combing through Jillian’s hair.  
  
“Aren’t there chemicals or something you could just use?” Jillian asked after suffering through the silence for a few minutes as Rebecca tugged through her hair.  
  
“No,” Rebecca told her, “Well, there are, but I prefer not to use them. I did some research the last time you had this problem. They’re rarely effective and they’re not overly safe to use.”  
  
“Oh,” said Jillian, “when did I get lice before?”  
  
“I think you were about four. You’ve done well to avoid getting frequently infested,” Rebecca told her.  
  
Jillian thought for a few seconds, then she said, “The next time this happens I will be twelve.”  
  
“Oh?” Rebecca asked, “How do you figure?”  
  
“Every four years,” shrugged Jillian, “Once when I was four, I’m eight now, so twelve is next.”  
  
“It doesn’t quite work like that,” Rebecca replied as she wiped the comb on the paper towel.  
  
Rebecca worked in silence for a while, then Jillian spoke again, “I figured out a way I could earn some money.”  
  
“You did?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“Yeah, I could weed people’s gardens for them,” suggested Jillian.  
  
“Hmm,” said Rebecca, “Well, that is a good idea, but we live in an apartment building, not too many people around here have gardens.”  
  
“Oh yeah,” muttered Jillian in disappointment, “I could clean people’s apartments for them.”  
  
“You don’t even clean your own bedroom Jillian,” said Rebecca, tugging on a curl.  
  
Jillian pouted, after a while she said, “Wait, did you say if I could earn the money then I could buy it because you knew I couldn’t get the money?”  
  
Rebecca didn’t reply.  
  
“Well?” Jillian asked, impatient for an answer.  
  
Rebecca hummed, “It’s possible.”  
  
“That’s mean!” Jillian exclaimed turning around sharply to face Rebecca.  
  
Moisture from the conditioner and water sprayed from her hair onto Rebecca’s trousers as she did so.  
  
“Head forward Jillian, this isn’t an easy task and your moving is not helping,” said Rebecca sternly.  
  
Jillian huffed but turned around again.  
  
Rebecca ran the comb through her hair before replying, “It wasn’t my intention to be mean Jillian. If you had found a way to raise the funds I would have been obliged to concede to let you do it.”  
  
“But you didn’t think I could,” said Jillian.  
  
“Well, no,” replied Rebecca honestly.    
  
“Hmm,” Jillian huffed loudly.  
  
After a few moments had passed it became clear to Rebecca that Jillian wasn’t going to be talking to her again for a while, she tried to lighten the mood, “So, any holidays planned?”  
  
“What?” Jillian asked.  
  
“It’s hair dresser banter,” Rebecca explained, “they seem to always ask that question.”  
  
“Was that supposed to be a joke?” Jillian asked incredulous, Rebecca very rarely, if ever, told jokes.  
  
“Something like that,” replied Rebecca.  
  
“Sorry I didn’t get it,” said Jillian.  
  
“That’s okay,” replied Rebecca, “it wasn’t very funny anyway.”  
  
“I’ve never been to a hair dresser, you always cut my hair,” said Jillian.  
  
“Hair salons over charge,” replied Rebecca.  
  
“Maybe I could be a hair dresser. If they over charge, then I’d be able to make the money real fast,” thought Jillian aloud.  
  
“You could, but you’d need a lot of training,” replied Rebecca.  
  
“You do my hair all the time, you never had any training,” Jillian pointed out.  
  
“Actually,” said Rebecca, correcting her, “I used to work in a salon when I was in college.”  
  
“Really?” Jillian asked, struggling to picture it.  
  
“Yes,” said Rebecca simply.  
  
The comb snagged on a tangled strand of hair, “Ouch! You mustn’t have been any good. You always pull too hard,” said Jillian.  
  
“Rude,” teased Rebecca, “and if you didn’t move so much I wouldn’t have a problem with it.”  
  
She wiped the comb off again.  
  
“Have you caught any yet?” Jillian asked.  
  
“Lice?” Rebecca confirmed.  
  
“Yeah.”  
  
“Lots,” said Rebecca, “I’m surprised I never noticed that they were here.”  
  
“Is it really gross?” Jillian asked.  
  
“Not really,” replied Rebecca.  
  
“Are you nearly done?”  
  
“Nearly, but I have to be thorough. If I miss any then they’ll infest you again and we’ll be back where we started,” Rebecca told her.  
  
“Do you think kids still get lice in Middle School?” Jillian asked.  
  
“I’m almost certain of it,” replied Rebecca.  
  
“But Middle Schoolers are so grown up,” said Jillian.  
  
“Are you nervous about starting Middle School?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“It’s months away,” said Jillian.  
  
“It’s still pretty soon,” said Rebecca.  
  
“I guess I’m a little nervous,” replied Jillian honestly.  
  
“It’s just like being in Elementary, you’re just in a different building,” Rebecca tried to reassure her.  
  
“I’m not worried about the classes,” said Jillian.  
  
“You’re worried about the students?”  
  
Jillian nodded, Rebecca pulled the comb out of her hair before the movement caused it to catch in her curls.  
  
“Why are you worried about them?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“They’ll be so much older than me,” said Jillian.  
  
“The children you’re with now are older than you too,” pointed out Rebecca.  
  
“But I’m not the youngest in the whole school right now. I will be when I'm in Middle School,” said Jillian.  
  
“I see,” said Rebecca, “well, Jillian, that’s just something you’re going to have to learn to take in your stride. The same will be the case when you get to high school and college.”  
  
Jillian sighed, “It’s still hard though. I don’t like being the littlest.”  
  
“I understand that Jillian,” Rebecca told her, “but it’s just the way things turned out. It’s what happens when you skip a couple of grades.”  
  
“Sometimes I wish I hadn’t. I woulda been the oldest in my classes. Since I’m born in April,” said Jillian.  
  
“Age isn’t everything,” replied Rebecca, wiping the comb again.  
  
“It feels like it is,” said Jillian.  
  
“I’m done,” declared Rebecca.  
  
“I’m free?” Jillian asked.  
  
“You’re free. Why don’t you get in the shower and rinse off your hair. I’ll bring you some fresh clothes,” Rebecca suggested.  
  
“Okay,” Jillian stood up from her seat on the floor. She picked up the cushion and chucked it at the couch, she overshot and it knocked the TV guide off the table. She either didn’t notice or ignored it as she didn’t make any moves to tidy up.  
  
Rebecca threw away the used paper towels and picked up the cushion and TV guide. Then she went into Jillian’s bedroom. She sighed at the mess. While she was in there she picked up all of Jillian’s clothes from the floor and dropped them in her laundry basket. Then she took some clean clothes out of the drawer and carried them into the bathroom. She rapped on the door twice to let Jillian know she was coming in.  
  
“I’ve got your clothes,” Rebecca said as she put them down on the counter.  
  
“Thanks! Ouch!” Jillian called from behind the shower curtain.  
  
“You all right?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“Yeah, the conditioner just ran into my eye,” replied Jillian, “I’m good now.”  
  
“Good,” said Rebecca, she left the room and shut the door behind her.  
  
  
Later that night when Jillian was supposed to be in bed and Rebecca was winding down on the couch with a cup of tea and good book Jillian came out of her room and sat on the end of the couch. Rebecca felt the depression of the couch cushions and looked up from her book.  
  
Rebecca peered at Jillian over the top of her glasses. “You’re supposed to be asleep.”  
  
Jillian tried her best to look bashful, “I couldn't sleep.”  
  
“Mmmhmm,” Rebecca hummed in disbelief. She closed her book and put in down on the coffee table.  
  
“I just kept thinking about the Super Nintendo and how much happier I would be if I had one,” said Jillian.  
  
Rebecca frowned, knowing that Jillian was trying to manipulate her, but deciding to play along for a moment, “Are you unhappy now Jillian?”  
  
Apparently that was enough to get Jillian to stop with the dramatics, “Well,” she said, uncertain, “no, I’m happy. But I could be happier,” she added with an almost corny nod.  
  
“Me too,” said Rebecca, “I could be happily reading my book in silence but instead I’m sitting here having the same argument we’ve already had three times in the past two days.”  
  
Jillian looked apologetic, this time, it was no act.  
  
“Jillian if you had this console you would either get bored with it after a while and never play it again, or a newer and better model will come out and you’ll want that one instead,” said Rebecca. Jillian looked like she was about to argue but Rebecca continued, “I’ve said no. We’ve discussed the option of you getting it yourself. We’ve decided you won’t be able to. Now I’m telling you no again. Can we please drop this?”  
  
“But—“  
  
“Jillian.”  
  
With a sigh Jillian said, “All riiiiight.”  
  
“Good, and when you’re old enough to get a casual job I’m not going to stop you from spending your money on whatever you want,” said Rebecca.  
  
“Really?” Jillian asked suddenly invigorated, “When will I be old enough?”  
  
Rebecca thought a moment, “I think the legal age to work is fourteen now?” She guessed.  
  
“But that’s ages away,” complained Jillian.  
  
“It’ll come sooner than you’d think,” said Rebecca.  
  
Jillian huffed.  
  
“Time to go back to bed Jillian,” said Rebecca.  
  
“But I’m not tired,” argued Jillian.  
  
Rebecca stood up and walked into Jillian’s bedroom. Reluctantly Jillian followed, when she got into her room Rebecca was standing at the head of the bed waiting for her. Slowly Jillian made her way to the bed and got in. Rebecca pulled the covers back up over her and tucked her in. Rebecca knelt down so their heads were level.  
  
“I’m not sleepy,” said Jillian.  
  
“You’ve got a lamp and book, if you can’t sleep, then read,” said Rebecca.  
  
“Is that why you read before bed?” Jillian asked.  
  
Rebecca gave a half nod of her head.  
  
“I always thought it was coz you’re smart,” said Jillian.  
  
Rebecca raised an eyebrow, “Are you going to sleep Jillian or are you going to try and hook me into another conversation?”  
  
Jillian sighed in concession, “I guess I’ll go to sleep.”  
  
“Good answer,” said Rebecca. She kissed Jillian softly on the forehead and stood up. “Good night Jillian.”  
  
“Night,” yawned Jillian. 


	11. Age 17: Stress

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2001 Undergrad Boston University 
> 
> Jillian doesn't get enough sleep and has a bad day. Rebecca has trouble staying in mentor-mode when her mom-mode wants to take over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got, like, three hours of sleep the other night and became very emotional, I guessed Jillian would be too and thought you all might like to read about tired Holtz

“Ouch!” exclaimed Jillian with a shake of her hand.  
  
Rebecca looked up from the assignments that she was marking. “Are you all right?”  
  
Jillian was standing behind her desk with a circuit board in one hand. She put the other hand to her mouth and sucked on her injured finger. She nodded.  
  
“Good, you forgot to ground that wire.” Rebecca pointed at the culprit to Jillian’s electric shock.  
  
Jillian glared at it. With a pop she pulled her finger from her mouth, giving it one more precautionary shake. Then she went back to work again. Rebecca looked back down at her marking. She had one left to do and she couldn’t help but notice something about the stack of papers she was going through.  
  
“Jillian?”  
  
Jillian looked up at Rebecca. She saw the stern look on her face and pulled her safety googles off her eyes, resting them on top of her head, “Yeah?” She asked nervously.  
  
“I’m marking the latest assignments that my engineering sciences class handed in on Wednesday,” said Rebecca.  
  
“Uh huh,” said Jillian, playing dumb.  
  
Rebecca raised both her eyebrows, so this is how it was going to be, “It seems that one of my students has neglected to hand hers in. You’re in that class, do you know who that might have been?”  
  
  
Jillian’s plan had been to finish the assignment late and slip it into Rebecca’s stack of marking. She’d done it once before and gotten away with it. This time she’d been a bit lax and had clearly missed her window of opportunity.  
  
“No,” said Jillian, digging slightly deeper into the hole that she was finding herself in.  
  
“Oh?” Rebecca said.  
  
“I don’t know everyone in that class very well, I wouldn’t know who’d do that.” Jillian started to slip her googles back on.  
  
Rebecca stood up and walked from her desk to Jillian’s, she leaned against it with her arms crossed. Jillian gulped.  
  
“Please don’t play dumb with me Jillian,” said Rebecca, “Where’s your assignment?”  
  
“Ummm,” Jillian hummed to buy herself some time.  
  
“Have you done it?” Rebecca asked sternly.  
  
“Of course I have,” Jillian said defensively.  
  
“And it’s finished?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“Yes?”  
  
“Then why isn’t it on my desk with the other students’?”  
  
Jillian smiled nervously. Rebecca waited for a reply.  
  
“I guess I forgot it was due?” Jillian tried.  
  
“Did you?” Rebecca asked.  
  
Jillian nodded in lieu of a vocal answer.  
  
“Can you please bring it to me now?” Rebecca requested.  
  
Jillian nodded again and dashed out of the computer room and into her bedroom. She began madly searching through her backpack for anything that so much as vaguely resembled the assignment. She found a few notes of the topic and the first page of the assignment, which was as much of it as she’d actually done. She tried to flatten out the crumpled sheets of paper as best she could and then slowly walked it back to Rebecca.  
  
Back in the computer room Rebecca was still leaning against Jillian’s desk, she held out an expectant hand when Jillian reentered the room. Reluctantly Jillian passed her the tawdry excuse of an assignment. Jillian didn’t look up at Rebecca’s face as she accepted the paper, if she had she would have been met with a look of utter disappointment and disapproval.  
  
“This is it?” Rebecca asked as she briefly looked through the three sheets of paper that Jillian had given her.  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“This is the assignment I told you about three weeks ago? The one I gave everyone two hours of class time to work on?” Rebecca enquired.  
  
Jillian chewed her bottom lip nervously as she nodded. Rebecca shut her eyes for a moment in frustration. Then she opened them again and dropped the papers into the wastepaper bin. She walked back to her own desk and sat down, preparing to mark the last completed assignment that was on her desk.  
  
Jillian felt embarrassed. She hadn’t meant to let Rebecca know that she hadn’t done the work. She hadn’t meant to disappoint her, and yet she had. She sighed and plonked herself down in her chair. She pulled her safety goggles off of her head and dropped them down on her desk. She hid her face in her hands and tried to pretend the exchange between her and Rebecca hadn’t happened.  
  
When Rebecca finished marking the final assignment she put down her pen and looked across the room at Jillian, who was still hiding her face in embarrassment, but now her head was resting in her arms on the table.  
  
“Jillian,” Rebecca got her attention.  
  
Jillian looked up.  
  
“What’s going on?” Rebecca asked.  
  
Jillian shrugged.  
  
“You’re falling behind in class, you didn’t do the assignment, and I know that you haven’t been doing your readings,” Rebecca listed.  
  
Jillian hid her face back in her arms, “I don’t know,” she moaned.  
  
Rebecca walked back over to her and sat on her desk, “I’m worried about you. I’m worried that you may have taken on too much this semester.”  
  
“I can’t drop any classes.” Jillian looked back up again. “It’s past the deadline, I won’t get refunded.”  
  
“Your mental health is worth more than any amount of money,” said Rebecca softly.  
  
Jillian scrunched up her nose, “It’s a lot of money.”  
  
“I’m very aware,” replied Rebecca, “but it is my money, and I don’t mind losing it if it means you’ll be less stressed.”  
  
“I’m not stressed,” Jillian tried to argue, despite knowing that Rebecca was very correct.  
  
Rebecca gave her a look.  
  
“I’m fine, I just missed an assignment. That’s all, it won’t happen again,” said Jillian defensively.  
  
“All right,” conceded Rebecca, “I believe you if you say it won’t happen again. But, Jillian, if it does happen again, then we’re picking this conversation up again.”  
  
“It won’t happen again,” repeated Jillian firmly.  
  
“Good, do I need to remind you to revise your notes and have a written plan for a miniature pressurised water reactor for tomorrow’s class?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“Already done,” lied Jillian.  
  
“All right, I’m going to go to bed now. Please don’t stay up too late,” said Rebecca.  
  
“I won’t,” Jillian lied again.  
  
Once Rebecca had gone to bed Jillian went to her own bedroom and began her written plan for the next day’s class. When she had finished that she decided to catch up on the readings that she’d missed, not wanting to disappoint Rebecca any further. By five in the morning she started to lose her concentration, her eyes were starting to ache and her head hurt. She decided to call it quits there and pick up again after she’d had some sleep. Jillian pushed all of her work off of her bed and onto the floor, she was still dressed but too tired to change into pyjamas, instead she shrugged her pants and shirt off and decided to sleep in just her undershirt and underwear.  
  
Jillian tossed and turned but despite being extremely tired she couldn’t get to sleep, her brain was still working at full capacity going through everything she’d just studied and everything that was still on her to do list. After a while she got up and went in search of either a painkiller to reduce her headache, or sleeping tablets, whichever she found first.  
  
She turned on the light in the bathroom as she searched through the medicine cabinet. As she was rummaging she heard a gentle rap on the open door, she turned around. Rebecca was standing there in her cosy flannel pyjamas with mussed hair from sleep, her arms were crossed.  
  
Jillian stopped what she was doing. She was holding something in one hand so she used the other to pull down the bottom of her shirt, trying to feel less exposed.  
  
“Morning,” she said in a whisper, “did I wake you?”  
  
Rebecca nodded, “Are you all right?”  
  
“I’m fine,” said Jillian.  
  
“What are you doing then?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“Okay,” conceded Jillian, “I have a headache and I was looking for painkillers. But I can’t find them.”  
  
Rebecca examined Jillian’s face. “Have you been awake all night?”  
  
“No,” lied Jillian, “I just woke up a little while ago and I couldn’t get back to sleep. Coz of my head.”  
  
Rebecca pointed, “You’re holding painkillers in your hand.”  
  
Jillian looked down, there were the elusive painkillers, they’d been the first thing she’d removed from the cabinet while she was searching for them. “I’m not wearing my glasses,” she excused herself sheepishly.  
  
Rebecca hummed.  
  
Jillian quickly downed two tablets and brushed past Rebecca, not feeling the need for any further conversation. Rebecca followed her into her bedroom and stood in her doorway. She watched Jillian climb back into bed and surveyed the mess on her floor. She didn’t say anything, she turned off the light once Jillian was under the covers and shut the door.  
  
Rebecca didn’t like to go back to bed after she’d been up already so instead she decided to start her day, she fixed herself some breakfast while being mindful to stay quiet so as not to wake Jillian.  
  
By seven o’clock Rebecca decided she’d better wake Jillian up, they both had full days of classes today. She knocked on Jillian’s door and then opened it. Jillian was lying face down on her bed, completely dead to the world. Rebecca flicked on the light. Jillian groaned and rolled over. She shielded her eyes with her arm.  
  
“Time to get up Jillian,” Rebecca announced, “how’s your head?”  
  
Jillian groaned again, she sat up rubbing sleep from her eyes. Rebecca waited as Jillian put on her yellow lensed glasses.  
  
“’S okay,” mumbled Jillian.  
  
“Good,” said Rebecca. She looked at her watch. “We’re leaving in forty minutes.”  
  
Jillian spent the car ride to the university with her head leaning against the window and her eyes shut.  
  
  
Rebecca and Jillian didn’t have a class together until three o’clock that day. It was both of their last classes for the day.  
  
Jillian straggled in about twenty minutes late, she was usually on time and Rebecca knew that she had a fifteen minute break between this class and her previous one, so she couldn’t fathom a reason for her being late.  
  
“Jillian,” Rebecca called from the front of the lab as Jillian shut the door behind her, “How nice of you to join us.”  
  
Jillian waved a dismissive hand, she walked to her usual workstation in the middle of the room and dumped her backpack on the floor. She sat down on her stool and then looked around the lab. The other students were already working on building their reactors.  
  
“Jillian?” Rebecca called.  
  
Jillian looked up, “Yeah Dr. Gorin?”  
  
“Please come up here,” Rebecca said, “you’ve missed the lab brief.”  
  
Jillian hopped down from her stool and walked guiltily up to Rebecca’s desk. Rebecca looked sternly at her.  
  
“Why are you late?” She asked.  
  
Jillian shrugged, “Got stuck in my last class.”  
  
“Your last class finished over half an hour ago,” Rebecca pointed out.  
  
“I know. Professor Pierce wouldn’t let me leave until I finished my stupid calculations,” Jillian told her.  
  
“He shouldn’t have held you up,” said Rebecca in annoyance, “this is a university, not a high school.”  
  
Jillian shrugged in response.  
  
Rebecca sighed, then she pulled out a tray of parts and began to explain the task to Jillian.  
  
  
Back at her desk Jillian got to work. By the time she started she was already forty minutes behind the rest of the class, so she tried to work as quickly as possible to catch up. Rebecca had begun her walk around the lab, making sure everyone was working safely and doing everything correctly. Rebecca didn’t even stop at Jillian’s desk. The rational part of Jillian’s brain told her that it was because she’d only just started and there wasn’t anything for Rebecca to check up on. The irrational and extremely tired part of her brain told her it was because Rebecca was mad at her for being late, which upset her and made her feel like she should work faster.  
  
By the time Rebecca was making her second round of the lab Jillian had almost caught up with the rest of the class. Rebecca was checking the work of the student at Jillian’s neighbouring table. She sounded pleased with the student’s work.  
  
Jillian started to get nervous, what if Rebecca didn’t like _her_ work. Jillian knew she’d rushed it and there was bound to be mistakes. She felt her eyes tearing up, either in frustration or from tiredness, Jillian didn’t know which, but she lifted up her goggles to swipe angrily at the traitorous tears. Rebecca saw her in her peripheral vision. She finished up with the student she was talking to and moved on to Jillian’s table.  
  
Rebecca remained professional, she often caused students to cry in her class (not intentionally, the work was hard and her students would often get frustrated). She ignored the fact, as she would do if Jillian was any other student and not her daughter.  
  
“Let me see your work,” she said indifferently.  
  
Jillian handed her the unit she was building. Rebecca inspected it. She brought it to her ear, it was gurgling.  
  
“Jillian, this is unstable. This will cause your nuclear reactor to overheat. We’d all be dead,” said Rebecca sternly.  
  
Jillian looked shocked, she knew it wasn't perfect, but she didn't think it was unstable.  
  
“Where’s your written plan for this?” Rebecca asked, looking for it on the desk.    
  
“I left it at home,” said Jillian.  
  
“You left it at home?” Rebecca repeated, not amused.  
  
Jillian nodded, not looking up from the unit that Rebecca was still holding. She could feel Rebecca’s disappointment radiating from her and she started to tear up again.  
  
Rebecca sighed, “Jillian, I need you to stop working on this. I cannot allow you to continue without the proper planning.”  
  
“But I can remember—“ started Jillian.  
  
“No,” interrupted Rebecca firmly, “I need you to pack up now.”  
  
“I—“  
  
“Jillian. Now.”  
  
The frustrated tears were flowing freely from her eyes now, they were stopped from flowing down her cheeks by the rubber seal of her safety goggles.  
  
“Fine,” huffed Jillian.  
  
Rebecca walked to the next student. She felt a little guilty, knowing how upset Jillian was, but she had strict lab rules and she expected all of her students to follow them, whether or not they were related to her.  
  
Jillian felt like everybody’s eyes were on her as she packed up her equipment. She kept her head down as she returned everything to the tray and carried it back up to the front of the room. By the time Jillian had finished packing up Rebecca was back at her desk. Jillian dropped the tray a little harder than necessary in front of Rebecca.  
  
“Thank you,” was all Rebecca said before she reached for something under her desk. She pulled it out, it was a textbook. “I assume you left your copy at home as well?”  
  
Jillian nodded.  
  
“Chapter thirty eight,” instructed Rebecca, “please spend the rest of the class time rewriting your plan, and highlight the areas where you went wrong.”  
  
Jillian nodded again and took the book back to her table. She searched through her bag for a pen and her notebook. She found the notebook but realised that she must have left her pen in her last class.    
  
Jillian didn’t want to take off her safety goggles, she felt safe hiding her tears behind them. But they were starting to fog up from the heat of her tears. She pulled them off, not caring about her hair that was mussed up in the action. She tried to wipe the tears dry as subtly as she could. She fetched her regular glasses from her bag and put them on. Jillian didn’t want to ask for a pen, she was too embarrassed. She felt like an utter screw up today. She opened Rebecca’s textbook and busied herself with pretending to read.  
  
After a while she saw a shadow cast itself over the book. She heard her mother clear her throat.  
  
“Yes?” Jillian asked with her throat clogged with emotion. She continued to stare at her book.  
  
Rebecca held out a pen.  
  
“Thanks,” grumbled Jillian, taking the pen, still without looking up.  
  
“Just ask next time Jillian. I’m more annoyed at the fact that you’ve been staring at the same page for the last ten minutes than the fact that you seem to have left half of your class supplies at home,” said Rebecca.  
  
Jillian nodded, and then she added, “I didn’t leave my pen at home, it’s in Pierce’s room.”  
  
"I don't really care where it is Jillian," said Rebecca with annoyance, "please get to work, and don't lose this pen too."  
  
Jillian tried to work but she felt so ashamed for disappointing Rebecca _again_ , not too mention the fact that she felt it was unnecessary that she even do the work Rebecca had set her, considering she'd already done it and it was just in her bedroom. She tried to calm herself by doodling radioactive symbols over her notebook instead, she liked to put little hearts in them. She found the doodling cathartic. Rebecca did not. She could see that Jillian was not writing anything all the way from her desk at the front of the room.  
  
"Jillian," she called to get her attention yet again.  
  
Jillian had no choice but to look up.  
  
"Please bring your work up here," instructed Rebecca.  
  
All eyes were definitely on Jillian now. Blushing, she picked up the text book, her notebook and pen, and carried them to Rebecca's desk. Rebecca stood up from her chair. "Sit down. You're working here."  
  
Jillian obeyed. She felt like she was five years old again and being sent to a time out. Rebecca picked up Jillian's notebook and regarded her work.  
  
"This is digraceful Jillian. You've had nearly twenty minutes to work on this. You should be nearly finished, and instead all I can see is some drawings." Rebecca dropped the notebook back in front of Jillian.  
  
"I'm sorry," said Jillian feebly.  
  
Rebecca hummed and left Jillian at her desk. Jillian watched Rebecca walk around the lab for a while, before looking back down at the textbook and actually starting her work so Rebecca wouldn't tell her off again. She'd written about half a page before she broken down completely.  
  
She started sobbing uncontrollably and, though she tried, she couldn't stop. She didn't even know why she was crying. She was just so tired. She did her best to keep quiet so she didn't draw any attention to herself.  
  
  
Rebecca was inspecting Aaron's work.  
  
"Dr. Gorin," he said said suddenly.  
  
Rebecca looked at him.  
  
"I don't think Holtzmann's okay," he said urgently, pointing towards the front of the room.  
  
With Mom-mode switching on Rebecca turned around to see Jillian barely holding herself together.  
  
"Thank you Mr. Crane." Rebecca returned his reactor to him and briskly walked to the front of the room. She stopped in front of her desk.  
  
"Jillian," she cooed.  
  
Jillian looked up, she was shaking.  
  
"Come with me," Rebecca said. Jillian nodded.  
  
Rebecca lead Jillian through the door at the front of the classroom, it lead to the faculty offices. They walked into Rebecca's office. Rebecca left the light off. Jillian was bordering on a panic attack at this point.  
  
"Sit down. Breathe Jillian." Rebecca pulled out a soft office chair from its place at her desk.  
  
Jillian sat and reached her hands out. Rebecca knelt in front of her and took both of her hands and held them, coaxing her to calm down.  
  
Once she was more or less calm Rebecca rolled the other chair towards Jillian. She sat in it and pushed it as close to Jillian as possible, their knees touched.  
  
"What's going on with you today Jillian?" Rebecca asked softly.  
  
Jillian shook her head.  
  
"Please talk to me Jillian."  
  
"Tired," Jillian mumbled, "disappointment."  
  
The sentence was not coherent but Rebecca understood. She took Jillian's hands in hers and stroked them with her thumbs in an attempt to soothe her.  
  
"Jillian, I'll be honest. I was disappointed in you today. You told me that you'd done the prep for today, but you forgot to bring it in. You chose not to tell me about that and went ahead with the work anyway. That was reckless," said Rebecca.  
  
"I'm sorry," sniffed Jillian.  
  
"I know you are, however, you made some bad decisions today and I think I know why," said Rebecca.  
  
Jillian looked at her curiously.  
  
"I know you didn't get much sleep last night. I'm guessing you went to bed when I got up," she waited for confirmation.  
  
Reluctantly, Jillian nodded.  
  
"I thought so," said Rebecca, "so, you're running on two hours of sleep. Jillian, no one can do that. You need sleep to function as a human being."  
  
"I had too much work to do last night," Jillian said, finally being honest.  
  
"You should have asked for help," said Rebecca.  
  
"But you said you wouldn't give me extra help with my work for your classes," said Jillian.  
  
"No, but if a student was falling behind, then I would see them during my office hours and help them, you know that,“ Rebecca told her.  
  
"Can I do that?" Jillian asked.  
  
"Yes," replied Rebecca, "and as your mom, I think I can help you a bit with your time management skills as well. I'm worried that you've overwhelmed yourself with too many classes this semester."  
  
"I'm fine," said Jillian, "I just fell behind a bit. I'll get more help."  
  
"Do you promise?" Rebecca asked.  
  
"Yeah," Jillian replied.  
  
"Good," Rebecca looked at her watch, "there's fifteen minutes of the lab left. You can stay in here and take a nap. I'll pack up your things for you."  
  
"Thanks," said Jillian, "I'm sorry that I annoyed you today."  
  
"I forgive you, just please don't make a habit of it," said Rebecca.  
  
"I can't make any promises about _that_ ," joked Jillian, "I can be a very annoying person when I want to be."  
  
Rebecca stood up with a smile, "I have to get back to the lab, I don't want to leave those second years in there much longer by themselves."  
  
"Okay, night," said Jillian as she curled up on the chair.  
  
Rebecca smiled at her again and headed back out into her lab.


	12. Age 2 & 17: The Park

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma said: Oh i would so love to see the day of their trip to the park together. Either when Holtz was little or now as a continuation of this chapter. 
> 
>  
> 
> April & December 1986  
> December 2001: Undergrad at BU

  
  
“Are you okay?” Rebecca asked as she pulled the handbrake on.  
  
“Yeah,” replied Jillian, “are you?”  
  
Rebecca nodded stiffly. Jillian awkwardly shuffled the bouquet of flowers she was holding. The flowers were from both of them, Jillian had picked them out and Rebecca had paid for them. Rebecca opened her car door and got out. Jillian took a moment longer before getting out of the car too.  
  
Jillian surveyed the area in front of her. “It’s a pretty park,” she said.  
  
“It is at that,” replied Rebecca.  
  
Jillian held the bouquet with one hand and she held onto Rebecca’s arm with her other hand. They walked in silence down the path.  
  
“Hey,” said Jillian after they’d walked for a few minutes, “I remember that tree!”  
  
“I’m not surprised” Rebecca said.  
  


* * *

 

  
_Jillian was overexcited. It was her second birthday and she was spending it with her parents and her Auntie Rebecca. She had the very special job of carrying her ball. Compared to her small size it seemed extremely large. Jillian couldn’t actually see over the top of it. So she looked around it and followed her Mommy’s legs. They’d been walking for a whole minute and Jillian decided she’d had enough. She sat down on the path. Auntie Rebecca was walking behind her and had to take a quick step to the right to avoid tripping over her. Jillian looked up at her with big innocent blue eyes._  
  
_“Are you done with walking Jillian?” Rebecca asked._  
  
_Jillian nodded emphatically, “Daddy carry,” she said firmly._  
  
_“Your Dad can’t carry you right now Jillian, he’s got his arms full with the picnic basket,” Rebecca told her. Not to mention the fact that both her parents had continued to walk after Jillian had stopped. Lisa was setting up the picnic rug under a tree a short distance from where Jillian was sitting. Tobias had just arrived at the tree as well, he dropped the basket down and looked at Rebecca and Jillian, wondering if he should go back or not._  
  
_Jillian’s lower lip puckered out._  
  
_“Hey now,” said Rebecca, “We’re here to have a good time, not to have a cry aren’t we?”_  
  
_Jillian nodded._  
  
_“So,” suggested Rebecca, “why don’t we both walk to your parents? Then we can have your extra special birthday picnic.”_  
  
_Jillian liked the idea of an extra special birthday picnic, she wasn’t too keen on the walking part though. She lifted her arms up towards Rebecca, “You,” she said._  
  
_“You want me to carry you?” Rebecca asked._  
  
_Jillian nodded again, then she grabbed tightly onto the ball and prepared herself to be lifted. Rebecca sighed heavily but did as Jillian requested. She carried her to the picnic rug and plonked her down on it._  
  
_Tobias and Lisa were unpacking the picnic basket. It was mostly full of sandwiches and fruit. There was a cake hidden from Jillian at the bottom._  
  
_After the food was eaten and Jillian had blown out the candles on the cake everybody started to wind down as they ate their cake. Except for Jillian and Rebecca, Jillian was becoming more and more hyperactive with every bit of the sugary treat and Rebecca didn’t eat the cake at all. She pulled a paperback novel from her coat pocket._  
  
_“Did you really bring a book to a picnic Rebecca?” Lisa asked teasingly._  
  
_“Of course,” said Rebecca, looking slightly offended, “what else would I bring for entertainment?”_  
  
_Lisa raised her eyebrows, “We are at a park. Jillian brought a ball.”_  
  
_“I’m not going to play with a ball,” said Rebecca firmly._  
  
_“Swings!” Jillian interrupted._  
  
_“Okay, read your book. We’re going to go and have some fun,” said Lisa as she and Tobias stood up and ran after Jillian and the swings._  
  
_“This is fun,” said Rebecca as the pair ran away from her. She opened her book and began to read, enjoying the warmth of the sun. They’d gotten lucky, usually Jillian’s birthday fell on a cold and miserable day._  
  
_After a while Lisa and Tobias decided to put their things back in the car so they wouldn’t have to worry about packing up later. They left Rebecca in charge of Jillian. Jillian shoved the ball into Rebecca’s arms, “Throw it please.”_  
  
_“Will you catch it if I throw it?” Rebecca asked._  
  
_Jillian shook her head with a smile, her tongue stuck out cheekily between her teeth, “I chase it,” she told Rebecca._  
  
_“Oh, I see,” said Rebecca, speaking as if Jillian had just divulged a great secret with her. She rolled the ball away from her._  
  
_Jillian giggled in glee and followed it, she picked it up and toddled back to Rebecca, “Again!” She demanded._  
  
_“I don’t know,” teased Rebecca, “my arm’s getting pretty tired after that last throw.”_  
  
_“Pleeeeeaaaase,” said Jillian. Rebecca wasn’t sure if the elongated ‘please’ was sweet or annoying, regardless she tossed the ball gently away from her._  
  
_Rebecca stole a few seconds while Jillian was chasing the ball to read a few more sentences of her book._  
  
_The ball stopped rolling and Jillian caught up with it. She reached down to pick it up and accidentally kicked it away from herself, she giggled and started to chase it again. Unfortunately she wasn’t looking where she was going and ran straight into a large tree._  
  
_Rebecca was distracted from her book when she heard Jillian scream in agony. She dropped the book without taking note of her page number and hurried over to Jillian. The toddler’s face was covered in blood and tears. She was sitting in the dirt beneath the tree screaming in fear and pain. Rebecca scooped her up._  
  
_“It’s okay, it’s okay,” she repeated, despite not knowing if it was okay._  
  
_Jillian just cried in response. Rebecca scooted Jillian around to her hip, freeing up her right hand, she pulled a fresh tissue from her pocket and held it to Jillian’s nose. The lavender scent of the tissue was enough to distract Jillian, she stopped crying._  
  
_“Can you hold that there?” Rebecca asked._  
  
_“Mmmhmm,” Jillian sounded woefully._  
  
_Rebecca gently prodded Jillian’s nose to determine if there was any damage to it or if it was merely a blood nose. She sighed in relief when she realised it was the latter. Lisa and Tobias returned from their trip to the car._  
  
_“What happened?” Tobias asked in concern._  
  
_Lisa took Jillian from Rebecca’s arms and held her close._  
  
_“Bad tree,” said Jillian, directing her statement at said tree._  
  
_“She’s okay,” Rebecca said, “just a blood nose.”_  
  
_Lisa took the tissue from Jillian and inspected the damage herself. Then she licked a clean part of the tissue and used it to try and wipe some of the quickly drying blood from Jillian’s face._  
  
_Rebecca scrunched up her nose, she loved Jillian but was grateful that she was able to hand her back to her mother when things got messy._  
  
_Jillian quickly recovered and got back to playing again. This time Rebecca joined in and even though she refused to run Jillian was still happy. By the time the sun went down Jillian had curled herself up in Rebecca’s lap and fallen asleep._  
  


* * *

  
“Why do I feel like I should be mad at this tree?” Jillian asked.  
  
“Because it viciously attacked you on your second birthday,” Rebecca replied dryly.  
  
Jillian looked at her curiously.  
  
“You ran into it and it made your nose bleed,” Rebecca elaborated, “you were cross with it for the rest of the afternoon.”  
  
“Oh,” said Jillian. She turned to the tree, “We’ve both grown and I forgive you,” she told it.  
  
Rebecca rolled her eyes.  
  
“Is this the place then?” Jillian asked.  
  
“A little further down the path,” replied Rebecca.  
  
They continued walking.  
  


* * *

  
_Jillian was crying. Rebecca had a headache. Jillian hadn’t spoken a word to Rebecca in the last week, she had been inconsolable from the moment that Rebecca had given her the news about her parents and Rebecca didn’t know what to do. She felt completely out of her depth, she’d never had plans to raise any children and now here she was carrying a crying two year old whom she’d be completely responsible for for the rest of her life._  
  
_Rebecca carried an urn in her backpack, it contained the ashes of her little sister and her brother in law. Despite it being a fairly lightweight urn, she felt it weighing down on her shoulders. Rebecca walked through the park. She’d chosen to release the ashes at the park as it was the family’s favourite place to be. She reached a field, Rebecca knew that in the summertime the field was blanketed in beautiful flowers, however in the cold of December the field was instead hidden in a glistening coat of snow. She put Jillian down and sat down next to her. The cold ground immediately froze her all the way to her bones. She removed her backpack from her back and opened it, pulling the urn out._  
  
_“Do you know what this is Jillian?” She asked the crying girl._  
  
_Jillian looked at her through puffy eyes, she shook her head._  
  
_Rebecca sighed, she didn’t know how Jillian would take this, “This is called an urn. Sometimes after someone has died they choose to be cremated, do you know what that is?”_  
  
_Again Jillian shook her head, a heavy sob rattled her small frame._  
  
_“It means that their body gets turned into ash,” Rebecca told her, “that’s what’s inside here. It’s your mommy and daddy.”_  
  
_Jillian looked at it curiously. Rebecca opened it. Jillian peered inside, then she looked back up at Rebecca with big, sad eyes. Rebecca put the lid back on._  
  
_“Your parents wanted to be cremated so we could put them in a special resting place. Do you think this place is special enough?” Rebecca asked._  
  
_Jillian looked around, she turned in a circle, surveying the park. She loved the park. She looked back at Rebecca and nodded._  
  
_“I thought so too,” Rebecca told her, “so, when we’re both ready, we’re going to say goodbye and let your parents go, okay.”_  
  
_Jillian nodded. She wiped her eyes and climbed into Rebecca’s lap._  
  
_They sat there in silence for a long time, Rebecca lost track as the minutes ticked by. The light from the sun began to fade. Somewhere in that time Jillian had finally stopped crying. Rebecca breathed a sigh of relief as she kissed the top of the girl’s head. Eventually as the sky turned orange and reflected its colour onto the snow Jillian titled her head up to look at Rebecca._  
  
_“I’m ready,” she said, her voice was croaky from disuse._  
  
_Rebecca felt a calm wash over her when she head Jillian’s voice, she’d been beginning to worry that she may never hear it again. “I’m ready too,” she told her._  
  
_They both stood up. Rebecca held the urn, “Good bye Tobias. Good bye Lisa,” was all she said, but she gently pressed her lips to the lid for a moment, before passing the urn to Jillian._  
  
_Jillian gripped it tightly and Rebecca scooped her up._  
  
_“Bye bye Mommy and Daddy,” she said softly, she kissed the urn wetly._  
  
_Rebecca shifted Jillian onto her hip and opened the urn with one hand, “When you’re ready,” she whispered to Jillian, “let them go.”_  
  
_Jillian stayed in her arms, her breathing steadied and then she raised the urn and tipped it slightly._  
  
_The wind caught the ashes and sent them swirling across the field. Jillian watched in awe. When the urn was empty she hid her face in Rebecca’s hair. Rebecca felt the wetness of silent tears. Despite the discomfort in her arms from holding Jillian for so long she stayed still and looked over the field. Thinking of her sister._  
  
_Eventually she felt Jillian go limp and realised she’d fallen asleep. She gently removed the urn from her clutch and awkwardly put it back in her bag with one hand. Then she carried Jillian back to her car to take her to their home._  
  


* * *

  
Rebecca stopped walking when she reached the snow covered field. Jillian walked a few steps further before she noticed that Rebecca had stopped, she trotted back to her.  
  
“Is _this_ the place?” Jillian asked.  
  
Rebecca nodded.  
  
Jillian examined her face. “Are you okay?”  
  
Again, Rebecca nodded, “I haven’t been here since the day we released your parents’ ashes. It looks exactly the same.”  
  
Jillian looked out onto the field, examining it, “It’s very beautiful.”  
  
Rebecca hummed in agreement.  
  
“What do we do now?” Jillian whispered into the silence.  
  
Rebecca didn’t really know, “I suppose we need to find somewhere to put the flowers.”  
  
“Okay.” Jillian looked around. Then she pointed, “What about over there, by that fountain.”  
  
Rebecca nodded, “That looks perfect.”  
  
They walked to the fountain. Jillian started to put the bouquet down.  
  
“Take the plastic off first Jillian,” Rebecca instructed, “we don’t want to leave litter behind.”  
  
Jillian did as she was told. Then she gently placed the flowers on the edge of the fountain. The pair stood in silence for a moment. Rebecca thought of her sister and brother in law. Jillian tried to think of her parents, but she couldn’t conjure up any memories of them, instead she thought about how grateful she was to have Rebecca as her mother.  
  
“I think I’m ready to go now,” said Jillian softly, still staring straight forward at the fountain.  
  
Rebecca nodded stiffly, also staring at the fountain, “As am I.”  
  
Rebecca turned around and began the walk back to the car, Jillian scurried after her and took her hand. They walked hand in hand for a while before Jillian spoke up, “Thank you for taking me today.”  
  
“You’re welcome,” replied Rebecca, “thank you for convincing me to come.”  
  
Jillian leaned her head on Rebecca’s shoulder as they continued down the path in a content silence.


	13. Age 15: High

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Holtzmann_lover said: I was wondering if you could do one where Holtz gets high for the first time? and dr. gorin is extremely pissed when she finds out?
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> 1998

  
  
Rebecca was waiting to pick Jillian up from school. She’d been sitting in her car for nearly twenty minutes. She was a little annoyed at Jillian for being late but she was also a little worried about _why_ Jillian was late. She was just about to get out of the car to look for Jillian when the teenager came running around the corner of the building.  
  
Her backpack had slipped off of her shoulder and was hanging in the crook of her arm. Her boots were untied, Rebecca was concerned that she might trip but she didn’t. She reached the car and got in, throwing her backpack on the back seat. Her cheeks were tinted red from the exertion of her run. She huffed once to try and get her breath back to a normal rate. Then she turned to Rebecca.  
  
“Sorry I’m late,” she said.  
  
Rebecca started the car, “Where were you?”  
  
Jillian blinked once before answering, “Class ran late.”  
  
Rebecca looked annoyed, but didn’t respond. She focused her attention on the road. If she had have been looking at Jillian she might have noticed the incredibly nervous look that she was sporting.  
  
“Ummm,” Jillian spoke up when they were nearly home, “Can I borrow some money?”  
  
“What for?” Rebecca asked. She changed gear as she went around the corner.  
  
“Study thing,” replied Jillian vaguely.  
  
“Of course,” replied Rebecca, “is this for your finals?”  
  
“Yeah,” said Jillian.  
  
“How’s your studying going?” Rebecca asked.  
  
Jillian shrugged, “Fine.”  
  
“Are you keeping on top of everything?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“Pretty much,” said Jillian, “this study thing will help.”  
  
“Good.”  
  
“What are we doing for dinner?” Jillian asked, deliberately changing the topic of conversation.    
  
Rebecca pulled the car into the parking garage, “I was thinking I’d make some sort of curry.”  
  
“Cool, that’s my favourite.”  
  
“You say that about every meal,” said Rebecca.  
  
“And I mean it too,” replied Jillian seriously.  
  
  
The next morning was hectic. Jillian had overslept and Rebecca was trying to get that night’s dinner prepped as she wouldn’t be home until late. They were both bumping into each other trying to get ready. Jillian was taking the bus that morning. Rebecca glanced at the clock on the oven.  
  
“Jillian, you need to be walking out of that door now or you’ll miss the bus!” She called as she stood over the stove stirring the white sauce.  
  
Jillian came out of the bathroom pulling her hair through her scrunchie, “Okay, I’m going.”  
  
She grabbed her backpack and headed for the door.  
  
“Wait,” Rebecca stopped her, “did you need that money today?”  
  
“Shit, yeah.” Jillian turned around.  
  
“Language,” Rebecca reprimanded her, “can you take it out of my purse? I need to keep stirring this.”  
  
Jillian looked relieved as she fished Rebecca’s purse from her handbag and pulled out the cash she needed. Rebecca wouldn’t know that _all_ of her cash was gone until later that evening.  
  
“Okay, thanks! Bye!” Jillian called over her shoulder as she shoved the cash quickly into her jacket pocket.  
  
“Good bye Jillian. Have a good day!” Rebecca called back as Jillian slammed the door behind her and sprinted to the bus.  
  
  
After the final bell had rung Jillian waited anxiously outside the back of the school. She’d run into a girl from one of her classes yesterday in the bathroom who offered her something to help with her finals. Jillian had keenly said yes, before finding out that the something was cocaine. The girl, Chelsea, had explained to her the benefits, that it would help her feel more awake so she could stay up all night studying, that she would perform better in her studies and also that it would feel really good. Jillian was dubious, but she was also nervous about failing her exams and was willing to try anything. So she agreed to buy some.  
Now she was worried, this was probably a bad idea. She’d already lied to Rebecca and taken her money. She felt bad about that, but at the same time, she didn’t want to disappoint her if she failed her exams.  
  
Jillian leaned against the brick wall, trying to look as cool as possible. Chelsea finally showed up.  
  
“Good, you showed,” Chelsea said as she walked towards Jillian.  
  
“Yep. You got the stuff?” Jillian said, trying to remember anything drug related she’d ever seen on tv. She felt very out of her depth, but she tried not to let it show.  
  
“Yeah, cash first,” said Chelsea.  
  
Jillian pulled out a fistful of scrunched up notes from her jacket pocket. Chelsea looked impressed at how much appeared to be there. Jillian handed her the money and watched as she counted it.  
  
“Okay, you got enough for two grams here, that good?” Chelsea said.  
  
Jillian didn’t know, regardless, she nodded.  
  
“Great,” Chelsea opened her purse and passed Jillian two small ziploc bags.  Jillian examined it, trying to look like she knew anything about what she was doing. Then she pocketed it.  
  
“You done coke before?” Chelsea asked.  
  
Jillian nodded.  
  
“You sure?”  
  
Jillian smiled nervously.  
  
“Yeah, thought so. Okay, listen up, coz I’m only going to explain what to do once,” said Chelsea.  
  
Jillian listened.  
  
  
The bus ride back home was a nightmare. Jillian was so nervous that someone was going to find out what she had on her. Luckily she survived the ride home and made it inside the apartment without getting caught. She had four hours before Rebecca got home. Jillian knew this was the best time for her to do what she (felt like she) had to do to get her studying done. She was nervous. She went into her room and sat on her bed, going through a million worries in her mind. She almost considered throwing the drugs away, but then she remembered how much they’d cost, and decided it would probably be a waste to throw it all away.  
  
So she opened the first bag. She wasn’t sure how she was supposed to get it out of the bag, so she just dumped the contents on her bedside table. Then she pulled out her wallet to find a card, she pulled out the first one she found, library card. She divided the coke into lines and crushed up a few bits that looked a bit chunky until they matched the rest of the powder. It was bit trickier than she’d expected, she was nervous and her hands were shaking.  
  
Then she readied herself and snorted the first line. She sat back up on her bed. Wondering how long it took to take effect. Her nose felt numb. Was that it? About a minute later she felt something at the back of her throat. _That_ was it. She felt less anxious about everything and a whole lot perkier. She pulled her school books from her bag and began to get into her work.  
  
After a short while she started to feel the effects slipping away. She looked at her bedside table, wondering if she should do another line. She decided against it and went back to her work.  
  
Jillian had been on a roll before with her studying, but now it had come to a crashing halt. She changed her mind and snorted the next line. She kept on going with her work and the drugs until she’d done four lines and a whole lot of studying. By the fourth line she started to feel a little lonely. She was suddenly in a very social mood and ready to talk to anyone who would listen, and unfortunately, no one was home. So she went into the kitchen and dialled Rebecca’s work number.  
  
Someone unfamiliar picked up the phone, “Hello, Dr. Gorin’s office. Can I take a message?”  
  
“Hi!” said Jillian cheerfully, “Is my Mom there?”  
  
“Who’s your Mom?” The voice asked.  
  
“Dr. Gorin, it’s okay if she’s not there. I can talk to you,” said Jillian.  
  
“Sorry Honey, she’s teaching a lab at the moment. Is it important or can I take a message?” The voice asked.  
  
“Rats.” Jillian clicked her fingers. “That’s all right. What’s your name?”  
  
“Dr. Shields.”  
  
“Hi, what’s your first name? Can I call you by your first name?” Jillian asked, “I like to call people by their first names.”  
  
“I’d rather you didn’t? Are you sure I can’t just take a message?” Dr. Shields asked again.  
  
“Nah,” said Jillian, “what field do you specialise in? I’m in high school right now, but when I graduate I’m going to study nuclear engineering. I’d like to go to MIT, but I’ll probably go to BU so my Mom can be my mentor, that’d be fun. Where did you study? Wait, let me guess. Was it Harvard? Princeton? No, I bet it was Columbia, you sound like you went to Columbia. Do you know what. I forgot to let you talk, I feel like I know nothing about you. So, it’s your turn to talk. Are you married? Ooooh, I want a girlfriend sooo bad, do you know any singl—Wait, also, what’s your favourite ice cream shape?”  
  
“Shape?” Dr. Shields asked.  
  
“Is that the wrong word?” Jillian giggled, “I’ve been studying for a bunch of hours now, I guess I’m kind of out of it. Or, actually it’s probably the co— wait. What does ice cream come in then?”  
  
“Do you know what?” Said Dr. Shields, “I think I’ll see if I can get Dr. Gorin to come to the phone.”  
  
“Oh, okay. I was enjoying talking to you, but I guess my Mom’s cool too,” Jillian conceded.  
  
“All right honey, stay on the line, I’ll be back in a minute,” said Dr. Shields.  
  
Jillian nodded, not registering that Dr. Shields wouldn’t have seen her. She hummed to herself as she waited for Rebecca to pick up the phone. She looked out of the window, it was getting dark outside and she could see her reflection looking back at her. She looked energised, she wondered why, and then remembered that she was high. It occurred to her that she probably shouldn’t talk to Rebecca while high. She gently put the phone back on its cradle, hanging up. She was sad, she was feeling like a social butterfly tonight, but she had no one to talk to. She wished Dr. Shields hadn’t left.  
  
  
Rebecca hated teaching evening classes. Everyone was always tired and stupid mistakes were made. She checked her watch, half an hour left and then she could go home. She had planned to stay later and catch up on some work in her office, but she was tired and hungry.  
  
Dr. Shields knocked on the door, Rebecca looked up, “Come in.”  
  
Dr. Shields walked to Rebecca’s desk and said in a hushed tone, “Your kid is on the phone, I think you should talk to her.”  
  
Rebecca was immediately concerned, Jillian knew very well not to call during lab hours unless there was an emergency. “Is she all right?”  
  
“It’s not really my place to say,” said Dr. Shields.  
  
That was enough for Rebecca, “Could you mind my class for me? I’ll only be a moment.”  
  
“Sure,” agreed Dr. Shields.  
  
Rebecca hurried to her office. The phone was off the cradle. She picked it up. There was no one on the other line. She hung up and then dialled her home number.  
  
Jillian answered on the third ring, “Hi! I mean,” she coughed and then said very deeply, “hello. This is Jillian.”  
  
“That’s how you answer the phone?” Rebecca asked.  
  
Jillian squealed in surprise at her mother’s voice and dropped the phone. Rebecca waited impatiently as Jillian retrieved the phone, “Sorry,” she said, “I dropped the phone.”  
  
“I heard,” replied Rebecca unimpressed, “why did you call? Is something wrong?”  
  
“You called,” said Jillian, “I was just sitting here, minding my own business.”  
  
Rebecca sighed, exasperated, “What is going on Jillian?”  
  
“Nothing. Except we have no good music? What’s up with that?” Jillian asked.  
  
Rebecca rubbed her temples with one hand, “Jillian. You’re worrying me.”  
  
“Can you hold on a second? I gotta go do something real quick,” said Jillian.  
  
“No, Jillian. I’m in the middle of a lab,” Rebecca said to no one, Jillian had left.  
  
Rebecca waited impatiently for Jillian, drumming her fingers on her desk.  
  
Rebecca heard a sniff and then Jillian’s voice came through the phone, “Hello? Is anyone there?”  
  
“Yes,” said Rebecca, annoyed, “Where did you go?”  
  
“Go where?” Jillian asked, “Oh hey, can we have pizza for dinner?”  
  
“I’ve already made dinner Jillian,” said Rebecca, concern growing, “What’s going on?”  
  
“Flavour!” shouted Jillian.  
  
Rebecca flinched at the sudden volume of Jillian’s voice, “Excuse me?”  
  
“That’s what ice cream comes in. Not shapes!” Jillian slapped her forehead, “I can’t believe I forgot!”  
  
Rebecca didn’t want to ask, she didn’t want to be right, “Jillian. Answer honestly please. Are you high?”  
  
Jillian hung up.  
  
  
_Shit_ , Jillian thought. She should never have called. Rebecca _knew_.  
  
The phone rang again. She didn’t answer. What should she do? She couldn’t think clearly anymore. She just knew she wanted more. So she went to her room and did another line.  
  
  
Jillian was having a dance party by herself when Rebecca opened the door to the apartment. Jillian stopped dancing, “You’re home early!” She shouted over the music.  
  
“Can you turn that off!” Rebecca shouted, she looked mad.    
  
Jillian swayed and shimmied over to her stereo, she stopped the music, “You’re home early,” she repeated.  
  
“Yes,” said Rebecca, sounding decidedly annoyed. She dropped her purse on the couch as she approached Jillian, “I closed my lab early tonight. I received a rather concerning phone call.”  
  
“Oh,” said Jillian nervously, “who from?”  
  
Rebecca glared at her, not answering. Jillian averted her gaze, trying not to let Rebecca see her face. Rebecca reached her and took her face in both of her hands, forcing her to look at her.  
  
Rebecca looked into Jillian’s eyes and saw her dilated pupils behind yellow lenses. She sighed. To say she was furious would be an understatement. She tried to stay as calm as possible, “What have you taken?”  
  
Jillian tried to pull her head away but Rebecca held her firmly, looking into her eyes with utter disappointment.  
  
Eventually Jillian answered, “Nothing.” She wiped her nose with her sleeve.  
  
Rebecca felt her anger seeping through, “Don’t lie to me Jillian!”  
  
Jillian was jittery, she felt grouchy and she wanted to do another line, “Let go of me,” she grumbled. She was starting to feel sweaty and gross and she didn’t want to be touched anymore.  
  
Rebecca did so, in shock. Then she turned away from Jillian and stormed off down the hallway. Jillian didn’t really think about where Rebecca could be going, but she decided to use it as an opportunity to sneak back into her room and do some more cocaine.  
  
It didn’t occur to her that Rebecca was probably going to be in there looking for evidence of what she had taken. She stopped suddenly in her doorway when she saw Rebecca standing over her bedside table looking at the remaining lines.  
  
Rebecca looked up at Jillian with fire in her eyes. Jillian couldn’t remember Rebecca ever being this mad about anything before.  
  
“What. The. Hell?” Rebecca enunciated each individual word.  
  
Jillian shrugged, “You’re in my way.”  
  
“I’m sorry?”  
  
“I need to do more…of the…coke” she said honestly, realising there was no point lying anymore, “and you’re in my way.”  
  
Rebecca looked horrified. Then she turned around and swept the powder off the table and into her hand. She marched into the bathroom and washed it down the drain.  
  
“Hey!” Jillian yelled, annoyed, “That’s mine! You can’t do that!”  
  
“Jillian,” Rebecca said as calmly as possible, she had so many things running through her head, she didn’t even know what to say first, “is that all of it?”  
  
Jillian looked sheepish. She didn’t reply.  
  
“Where’s the rest?” Rebecca asked.  
  
Jillian crossed her arms, “Not telling. It’s mine.”  
  
“Fine,” said Rebecca, “I’ll find it myself.”  
  
She started tearing Jillian’s room apart. She looked in all of Jillian’s usual hiding places; in drawers, in her bag, under the mattress. When she didn’t find what she was looking for (although she did find a few other things that she confiscated and some that she pretended not to see) she turned to Jillian, “Is it on you?”  
  
Jillian looked like a deer caught in the headlights. Rebecca looked pissed off, “Give it to me please.”  
  
Jillian shook her head. Rebecca approached her and began searching her, she found the second bag in Jillian’s pocket. She added it to her pile of confiscated items, which included a gameboy (that she’d confiscated last week, it was supposed to still be locked in her drawer), and a whoopee cushion (which she just took because it was annoying and she was mad). She carried them out of Jillian’s room.  
  
Jillian waited anxiously for Rebecca to return, she wondered if she could survive the fall if she jumped out of the window and ran away.  
  
Rebecca returned. “Let’s sit down,” she said.  
  
Jillian obeyed, the high was starting to wear off. She was a little irritated at Rebecca for taking everything so she couldn’t get high again. But she also felt incredibly guilty and she was starting to realise all that had happened.  
  
They were both sitting on Jillian’s bed. Rebecca had shut her eyes and was trying to calm herself down before she spoke out of anger. Jillian waited, she could feel her heart beating, it was beating faster than she’d ever thought it could. She wondered if she could have a heart attack. She thought she’d better ask.  
  
“Am I going to die?” Her voice cut through the silence.  
  
Rebecca opened her eyes and looked at her questioningly.  
  
“My heart’s beating real fast,” Jillian said.  
  
Rebecca didn’t reply, but she took Jillian’s wrist and felt for her pulse. Jillian waited as Rebecca counted in her head. Then she let go, “No, you’re okay, it’s fast, but it’s not too fast.”  
  
Jillian breathed a sigh of relief.  
  
“All right, we need to talk,” said Rebecca.  
  
Jillian looked nervous.  
  
Rebecca didn’t know what to ask first, so she started with, “Why were you doing drugs?”  
  
“Girl at school said to,” Jillian shrugged.  
  
“Okay. I’m going to need more of an answer than that. We’ve talked about this Jillian, peer pressure, drugs. I thought we weren’t going to have a problem,” Rebecca told her.  
  
“She said it would help me enhance my ability to do my school work, so I could get more studying done,” Jillian elaborated, “and it did. I’m way ahead on my studying now.”  
  
“This isn’t a good thing Jillian, please don’t try to paint it in a positive light,” said Rebecca.  
  
“Sorry.”  
  
“Why did you think you needed to take something to help you with your school work?” Rebecca asked.  
  
Jillian shrugged again, “There’s a lot of stuff to revise for the exam and I was nervous about failing.”  
  
“Why didn’t you come to me? I could have helped you,” said Rebecca.  
  
“Didn’t want to disappoint you,” Jillian said.  
  
Rebecca’s expression softened, “Jillian, please come to me when you’re struggling. I will never be disappointed in you if you’re asking for help.”  
  
“Okay,” said Jillian.  
  
“So, you got the cocaine from this girl?” Rebecca asked.  
  
Jillian nodded.  
  
“Did she just give it to you?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“No,” Jillian looked down at her bed, “I bought it,” she mumbled.  
  
Rebecca made a disgruntled moaning sound, “With what money?” She asked, fearing the answer.  
  
“Yours,” said Jillian quietly.  
  
Rebecca was definitely pissed, “How much did you take?”  
  
“I don’t know, however much was in your purse this morning,” said Jillian.  
  
Rebecca shut her eyes for a moment, processing the information. She looked back at Jillian, “You’ll need to find a way to pay me back.”  
  
“Okay,” Jillian agreed, feeling especially guilty about it.  
  
“What was the girl’s name?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“Why?” Jillian asked.  
  
“Because, I’ll need to report her to the school. What she’s doing is illegal, and I don’t want her pressuring any other children to buy drugs from her,” Rebecca told her.  
  
Jillian tried not to be offended by Rebecca’s use of the word children. She was definitely not a child anymore, she was fifteen, practically grown up. “Do I have to tell you?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“Do I have to tell you _now_?” Jillian asked.  
  
“Preferably.”  
  
“But she’ll know I told.”  
  
“She might not, I’m sure you’re not the only person she’s sold drugs to. Someone’s parents were bound to catch them eventually,” said Rebecca.  
  
Jillian sighed, “Chelsea Jones.”  
  
“Thank you,” said Rebecca.  
  
Jillian’s high had completely worn off, “I want to go to sleep.”  
  
“You can, after we finishing talking,” said Rebecca.  
  
Jillian pouted.

"Why cocaine?" Rebecca asked.  
  
Jillian shrugged, "I don't know. I don't know anything about drugs. I just took what I was offered, I guess."  
  
Rebecca nodded, not liking the answer, but accepting it. “Was this the first time?” she asked.  
  
Jillian nodded.  
  
“Taking any drug?” Rebecca clarified, “Not just cocaine?”  
  
“Yeah,” said Jillian.  
  
“Do you think you’ll do it again?” Rebecca asked.  
  
Jillian wasn’t sure. She’d liked the good feeling it gave her, but now that it had worn off she felt terrible, so she answered, “No.”  
  
“Good. I’ll let you go to sleep now, we can talk more in the morning,” said Rebecca, she stood up and left the room.  
  
“Good night,” said Jillian to the empty room.  
  
  
Jillian did not feel great when she awoke the next morning. She somehow felt restless and exhausted at the same time. She rolled over and checked her clock, it was almost lunchtime. She was late for school! She got up and dressed as quickly as she could, which, given how she was currently feeling, was actually not very quickly at all. She exited her bedroom.  
  
Rebecca was sitting at the kitchen table drinking a coffee and reading her book. She looked up when she heard Jillian enter the room.  
  
“Why aren’t you at work?” Jillian asked.  
  
“Good morning Jillian,” said Rebecca, “I took the day off.”  
  
“Why didn’t you wake me? I’m late for school,” said Jillian accusingly.  
  
“I called the school this morning and told them what happened. You’ve got a one day suspension,” said Rebecca.  
  
“Great,” said Jillian bitterly.  
  
“Are you hungry? It’s almost lunchtime, I can heat up last night’s dinner for you,” said Rebecca as she stood up.  
  
Jillian shook her head, she wasn’t hungry at all.  
  
Rebecca looked at her, “Are you sure? It’s lasagna, your favourite,” she said.  
  
“I don’t have a favourite,” said Jillian disinterested, she flopped down on the couch.  
  
Rebecca walked over to her, “Feeling the after effects then?”  
  
“I guess,” sighed Jillian listlessly.  
  
“Good,” said Rebecca, “remember this feeling the next time someone offers you drugs.”  
  
Jillian moaned and shut her eyes, “You’re not being very sympathetic.”  
  
“Good,” said Rebecca, “I’m not trying to be. You brought this on yourself.”  
  
“What did you do with the other bag?” Jillian asked, still not opening her eyes.  
  
“Why do you need to know?” Rebecca asked.  
  
Jillian sighed, “I feel like, if I just did a little, then I might—“  
  
“No,” Rebecca cut her off.  
  
“A tiny bit,” bargained Jillian as she opened her eyes.  
  
Rebecca sighed and sat down on the arm of the couch, “Jillian,” she said firmly, “we’re not battling an addiction are we?” Rebecca knew that addiction ran in families and she remembered her mother’s own problems dealing with drug addiction.  
  
Jillian shrugged, “I don’t know, can you get addicted after one night?”  
  
“Addiction depends on a lot of variables Jillian,” Rebecca told her. Jillian looked nervous. “I’ll help you and make sure this doesn’t become an issue,” Rebecca added.  
  
Jillian nodded. She sat up. “Are you still mad at me?”  
  
Rebecca sighed, “Yes. Of course I am. Jillian, you took my money to spend on drugs, and you got high instead of just asking for help with your school work.”  
  
Jillian felt her stomach twisting around in knots of guilt.  
  
“I’m at least glad that you decided to experiment in our home, and that you called me, for whatever reason you did that,” said Rebecca.  
  
“I was just feeling super talkative,” Jillian told her, “I wasn’t really thinking things through.”  
  
“Well, regardless. I’m glad you called me,” said Rebecca.  
  
“What now?” Jillian asked.  
  
Rebecca rubbed her temples, “I don’t know. I’m sorry Jillian, but it’s going to take a while for you gain my trust back.”  
  
Jillian nodded forlornly.  
  
“For now,” said Rebecca, “I have a lot of work to do. And you,” Rebecca stood up and retrieved the newspaper from the kitchen table, she brought it back to Jillian and dropped it in front of her, “you are going to start looking for a Summer job to pay me back every cent that you took.”  
  
Jillian sighed and started searching through the paper, every so often she would look up at Rebecca, who was sporting a frown on her face, and wonder just how long it was going to take her to earn back her trust. Doing drugs, she decided, was definitely not all it was cracked up to be.


	14. Age 13: Going Away Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Puszusz said: first trip taken just by the two of them
> 
> Jillian and Rebecca go camping (not really just the two of them, but it's their first time going away together, I'll probably write one with just the two of them sometime in the future). 
> 
> 1997

Rebecca was enjoying a relaxing afternoon. Jillian was at Hide & Seek practice and would be driven home by a teammate’s mom. So Rebecca was relishing a rare moment of peace and quiet in her apartment before Jillian got home and filled the apartment with the chaotic energy she brought with her. Of course, it was an energy that Rebecca loved, but it was also one that she sometimes needed a break from.  
  
The front door swung open and the apartment was filled with life again.  
  
“I’m hoo-ome!” Jillian announced as she entered the apartment.  
  
Rebecca stood from her reclined position on the couch, placing her book neatly on the coffee table. She walked over to Jillian and helped her take off her coat. Underneath it Jillian was covered in mud.  
  
“Did you have fun?” Rebecca asked raising an eyebrow at the grubby teenager.  
  
“Yes. So much!” Jillian exclaimed, “I hid inside a log today, it took soo long for anybody to find me. It was awesome.”  
  
“That’s good to hear Jillian,” said Rebecca, “why don’t you have a quick shower and put those clothes in the laundry while I get our dinner ready?”  
  
Jillian gave her a look of dismay, “Do I have to?”  
  
“Yes,” replied Rebecca firmly, “you’re filthy.”  
  
Jillian jutted out her lower lip in a comical pout.  
  
“Now,” said Rebecca, she walked into the kitchen, not giving Jillian a chance to protest any further.  
  
  
A clean Jillian sat at the kitchen table with Rebecca. They were halfway through their dinner when Jillian decided to bring up something she was excited about but unsure of what Rebecca’s reaction would be.  
  
“So,” she said, attracting Rebecca’s attention, “we had a meeting after the practice today.”  
  
“Mmhmm,” Rebecca hummed, letting Jillian continue.  
  
“Umm, my team’s been picked to participate in this tournament against another team from Shelburne Falls,” said Jillian.  
  
Rebecca was silent, sensing there was more to come.  
  
“Anyway, our team is going to go there and there’s this campground that we’ll stay at and the tournament will be there too. It’s going to be really fun,” said Jillian.  
  
Rebecca waited.  
  
“And, I was wondering if I can go?” Jillian asked nervously.  
  
“When is it?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“Three weekend’s time. It goes over the Saturday and Sunday,” Jillian replied.  
  
“And who will be looking after you?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“Some of the parents. Plus the coach,” said Jillian.  
  
Rebecca leaned back in her chair as she thought about it. Jillian tapped her foot as she anxiously waited for an answer.  
  
“All right,” said Rebecca, “you may go.”  
  
“Really?” Asked Jillian with excitement building in her voice.  
  
“Yes, _but_ ,” Rebecca added the _but_ quickly before Jillian could interrupt, “I will be accompanying you there.”  
  
“That’s okay,” said Jillian.  
  
“Good. Then it’s settled, you may go.”  
  
Jillian jumped up and punched the air, “Yes!”  
  
Rebecca coughed and shot a disapproving look at her. Jillian sat down and picked up her fork, continuing to eat her dinner.  
  
  
Rebecca picked Jillian up from school an hour early on Friday afternoon. They were going to go straight to the campsite so they could set up their tent before it got too dark.  
  
“Did you remember my bag?” Jillian asked as she climbed into the car.  
  
“Good afternoon Jillian,” said Rebecca.  
  
“Hi. Did you remember my bag?” Jillian repeated.  
  
“Yes, of course I did,” said Rebecca.  
  
“And the tent? And the towels? And the torches?” Jillian started to list.  
  
“Yes, Jillian. I’ve got everything. When have you ever known me to forget something?” Rebecca asked.  
  
Jillian thought for a moment. Nothing came to mind. She shrugged.  
  
“There’s a sandwich for you on the back seat, if you’re hungry,” Rebecca told her.  
  
Jillian turned around and retrieved the food, she unwrapped it and began to eat.  
  
They drove in silence for awhile as Jillian ate her sandwich. She swallowed the last bite and then spoke up, “Can I put the radio on?”  
  
Rebecca nodded.  
  
“Sweet,” Jillian started fiddling with the car radio, listening for a station with, what she deemed, good music.  
  
Jillian sung along loudly and passionately to every song that came on the radio. Rebecca was impressed that she somehow knew all the lyrics. She enjoyed listening to Jillian sing, she was remarkably talented.  
  
After they’d been driving for an hour Rebecca pulled over at a rest stop.  
  
“What are we stopping for?” Jillian asked as Rebecca took the key out.  
  
“I need to stretch my legs for a moment,” Rebecca said, she opened the door and got out.  
  
Jillian followed suit, Rebecca led them into the shop. She took a bottle of chilled water from the fridge.  
  
“Do you want anything Jillian?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“Anything?” Jillian checked.  
  
Rebecca nodded. Jillian gleefully chose a can of soda. Rebecca paid for their items and then the two were back on the road again.  
  
“How come we’ve never gone away before?” Jillian asked, seemingly out of the blue.  
  
“We’ve never really needed to, and I don’t particularly enjoy going away,” replied Rebecca.  
  
“Why not?” Jillian asked.  
  
“I don’t know,” replied Rebecca, “I just prefer to be at home.”  
  
“Why are you coming now?” Jillian asked, “One of the other moms could have chaperoned.”  
  
“I want to come with you,” replied Rebecca, “I want to make sure you’re being looked after properly. And I want to support you in your tournament.”  
  
“Thanks,” said Jillian with a smile.  
  
They arrived at the campsite close to two hours later. They were the first of Jillian’s team to arrive.  
  
“Can we set the tent up by the lake?” Jillian asked excitedly.  
  
“There will be a lot of mosquitoes there Jillian, we’re better off setting up here,” Rebecca said as she drove the car into the camping spot that she was talking about. “We’re close to shelter and the ablution block. It’s the most practical place.”  
  
Jillian sighed, “Can we at least go swimming in the lake?”  
  
“Yes,” replied Rebecca, “I believe swimming is scheduled on your team itinerary.”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
They both got out of the car, Rebecca opened the trunk and heaved the tent out. Rebecca had borrowed the tent from a colleague at the university. She didn’t own one herself, in fact, she couldn’t even remember the last time she’d gone camping. Jillian had never been camping before.  
  
Jillian unzipped the tent bag and began pulling the contents out, “Do you even know how to set up a tent?” Jillian asked as she looked curiously at one of the tent poles.  
  
“Yes,” replied Rebecca somewhat defensively, “of course, it’s been a while, but yes, I know how.”  
  
It took them almost an hour. Rebecca did remember how to set it up, but she and Jillian struggled regardless, Rebecca had to do most of the grunt work because Jillian was too small, and the tent was too large to be set up by one person alone. But, eventually they managed to get it set up.  
  
That night a campfire get together was being held for the two teams. It was a chance for them to get to meet each other before the tournament started the next day, and for the teams to bond within themselves.  
  
Jillian sat on a log close to the campfire. Her one friend in her team sat next to her. Rebecca was a little concerned at the closeness, but she knew Jillian could take care of herself, and if she couldn’t, well, that’s what she was there for. Rebecca sat further back by herself. She was close enough that the warmth from the fire reached her, but not so close that she had to interact with anyone else.  
  
Jillian skewered three marshmallows onto her stick.  
  
“That’s a lot of marshmallows,” commented her friend, Jackson.  
  
“Thank you,” said Jillian, she pointed her stick into the fire.  
  
Jackson roasted one marshmallow at a time. Jillian’s stick caught fire and broke in half. Jillian watched in dismay as her three marshmallows perished in the flames. She brought her half stick back to her and blew out the small fire that was still on the end of it.  
  
“How could you betray me like this?” She asked her stick.  
  
Jackson laughed at her.  
  
“Wanna swap sticks?” Jillian asked.  
  
“Sure, just let me eat my marshmallow,” said Jackson. He brought his perfectly roasted marshmallow out of the flame and towards his mouth. He was just about the pull the marshmallow from the stick with his teeth when Jillian reached over and grabbed it with her fingers. She shoved the sugary treat into her mouth and munched happily.  
  
“Hey!” Said Jackson in false annoyance.  
  
“What? It was on my stick,” said Jillian with her mouth still full. She was shaking the hand that she’d used to steal the marshmallow, she’d slightly hurt her fingers from the heat of the freshly roasted confection.  
  
“It wasn’t your stick yet!” Jackson argued, “We hadn’t made the trade yet!”  
  
Jillian shrugged and passed him her seared stick. He reluctantly passed over his stick. Jillian skewered a single marshmallow onto it. Jackson dropped his new stick.  
  
“I’m done now anyway,” he said.  
  
“I’m not,” said Jillian as she roasted another marshmallow.  
  
Eventually Rebecca had to step in and take the (nearly empty) bag of marshmallows away from Jillian, fearing that all of the sugar would either make her sick, or render her too hyperactive to get any sleep. Shortly after that the campers were all sent to their respective tents for an early night before their tournament began the next day.  
  


* * *

  
It was raining. The teenagers were outside in their hiding places. The parent chaperones were milling around the campsite. Rebecca had no interest in spending time with the other parents. She’d brought a few good books to read. Unfortunately there was not much shelter from the rain and she’d ended up sitting at a covered picnic table with a few of the other moms. She chose to ignore their conversation and buried her nose in her book.  
Miranda, the mother who drove Jillian home from the practices, was also sitting at the table.  
  
“Rebecca?” She said, attracting Rebecca’s attention away from her book.  
  
“Yes?”  
  
“Do you know how your Jillian feels about Jackson?” Miranda asked. Jackson was her son, he was the same age as Jillian.  
  
“They get along,” replied Rebecca, not really sure where this conversation was heading, and desperately wishing she wasn’t having it. Couldn’t the woman see that she was reading?  
  
“Well, Jackson confided in me last night and told me that he has a crush on Jillian,” said Miranda.  
  
“Oh,” said Rebecca, suddenly realising where the conversation was going.  
  
“Anyway, I told him I’d speak to you and ask for your permission for him to ask Jillian out on a date,” said Miranda.  
  
“I see,” said Rebecca. She and Jillian hadn’t discussed this at all. She didn’t know if Jillian was out to any of her peers and she certainly didn’t want to out her if she wasn’t, especially not to her peers’ mothers.  
  
“So, can I tell him it’s okay?” Miranda asked eagerly.  
  
Rebecca felt uncomfortable, she wasn’t a fan of lying, but she wanted to keep Jillian safe and she certainly didn’t want to give some teenage boy permission to put her in an awkward position if he did try to ask her out. “I’m afraid I don’t want Jillian dating right now. I think she’s still too young,” Rebecca finally answered.  
  
“Oh,” said Miranda, clearly disappointed, “I don’t think they’re too young, I was thirteen when I started dating.”  
  
“I’m sorry, my answer is firm,” said Rebecca. She picked up her book. “Excuse me.” She stood and left, walking as quickly as she could to get out of the rain and out of that conversation.    
  
  
Jillian was starting to get uncomfortable. She’d been standing in her hiding spot for nearly two hours now. She was wedged into a hollow tree. She had been pretty pleased that she’d been able to find such a great hiding place, but now she regretted her decision for a spot that was standing room only. She shuffled her feet, trying to get into a new, less uncomfortable position. From her position in the tree she could clearly see everybody who walked right past her. Everytime she saw someone walk by she was filled with glee, this was her best hiding spot ever.  
  
She saw Rebecca storm past her, heading in the direction of their tent. Jillian’s heart stuttered, Rebecca looked really annoyed at something. Jillian almost considered leaving her very excellent hiding place to go and see what was wrong. Then she considered that Rebecca was often annoyed at something, and she probably didn’t have any reason to be too concerned, so she stayed where she was.  
  
Jillian wasn’t found in that round, she was called over the PA system to leave her hiding spot. Proudly, she emerged and went to the muster area. She was the only person from her team who hadn’t been found, there were two people in the other team that also hadn’t been found.  
The two teams shook hands with each other. Jillian was given a medal for being the champion of their team. The other team received the trophy for most members not found.  
  
Jillian looked around for Rebecca but couldn’t find her anywhere. She headed back to their tent, proudly thrusting her chest forward so everybody could see the medal hanging from her neck.  
  
Rebecca was in their tent, she’d fallen asleep reading her book. She’d been tired all day, having had a very difficult time sleeping on an inflatable mattress the night before. Rebecca woke up when Jillian unzipped the tent.  
  
“You’re soaking,” she commented as she blinked her eyes open.  
  
“Sorry?” Jillian said as she started to climb into the tent.  
  
“Take your shoes off Jillian, you’re going to get mud everywhere.”  
  
Jillian kicked off her sneakers and left them outside the tent. “Look,” she held up her medal.  
  
“You won?” Rebecca asked, then she realised, “Oh no. I missed the ceremony didn’t I?”  
  
“That’s okay,” said Jillian, “I didn’t _win_ win. Our team came second, I just didn’t get found.”  
  
“Well, I’m still sorry I missed it,” said Rebecca.  
  
Jillian shrugged, “I know it was an accident.”  
  
Rebecca nodded, proud of Jillian for being so mature and understanding. Jillian started going through her bag in search of dry clothes.  
  
Rebecca looked at her watch and then at the itinerary, “Dinner is soon,” she commented.  
  
“Yeah, it stopped raining so we can eat outside,” said Jillian.  
  
“Hooray,” said Rebecca dryly.  
  
Jillian slipped off her shirt.  
  
“Jillian!” Rebecca admonished, as she reached forward to zip their tent shut.  
  
“What?” Jillian asked as she pulled her dry shirt on.  
  
“You can’t get changed with the tent wide open like that,” said Rebecca, she tugged the zipper, the tent was now properly shut.  
  
Jillian was struggling to tug off her wet jeans, “But we’re in the great outdoors!”  
  
“We are not cave people Jillian. We wear clothes in the company of others, and you’re not a child anymore, you need to start being aware of that.”  
  
Jillian huffed, she sat down, now fully dressed in dry clothes and started pulling on a pair of clean socks. “No one was out there,” she pointed out.  
  
“It doesn’t matter,” replied Rebecca, “someone could have been.”  
  
Jillian shrugged. “I didn’t bring spare shoes,” she said, changing the topic.  
  
“You’ll have to put the wet ones back on then,” said Rebecca.  
  
“Can’t I just go bare foot?” Jillian asked.  
  
“Which part of _we are not cave people_ are you struggling to understand?” Rebecca asked.  
  


* * *

  
  
The last day of the weekend was the recreation day. The itinerary listed a swim in the lake, a hike through the grounds, and finished with a game of capture the flag before everyone headed back to their respective homes.  
  
Jillian was the most excited about the swimming. She was up and in her swim suit before Rebecca had even managed to crawl out of her sleeping bag. Rebecca had been sleeping terribly the past two nights, her back was sore and she was incredibly tired.  
  
“Are you going swimming with us?” Jillian asked excitedly after Rebecca was dressed and had begun packing up their sleeping bags.  
  
“No Jillian, I don’t swim. I don’t even own a bathing suit,” replied Rebecca with a scoff.  
  
Jillian did a double take. “You don’t even _own_ a suit!” She exclaimed, “Why not?”  
  
“I don’t like to swim,” replied Rebecca as she struggled to fit Jillian’s sleeping bag back inside its bag.  
  
“Wow! You think you know a person,” said Jillian.  
  
“Did you really expect otherwise?” Rebecca asked.  
  
Jillian shook her head, “Not really.”  
  
Rebecca pulled the draw string on the bag, she’d finally managed to get the sleeping bag to fit.  
  
“Can we go down to the lake now?” Jillian asked with excitement.  
  
Rebecca wanted to finish packing away the tent first, but she couldn’t battle Jillian’s enthusiasm any longer. “Why don’t you go and find Jackson’s mom and head down to the lake with them. I’ll meet you there once all of this is in the car.”  
  
“Okay!” Jillian scurried out of the tent.  
  
Rebecca finished packing, she left out a tote with a change of clothes for Jillian and a towel (which she noticed that Jillian had forgotten to take down to the lake with her). Rebecca headed to the lake herself.  
  
Jillian saw Rebecca sitting down in a chair by the lake. She waved at her happily. Rebecca waved back with a single motion of her hand. Jillian grinned. She was having the best time. Some of her team mates were organising a race across the lake. Jillian wasn’t a very strong swimmer at all, but she was totally confident that she could beat everyone.  
  
The race began and Jillian quickly lost confidence, but she didn’t care, she just continued to swim. She made it across the lake. When she got there the other teenagers were skipping stones over the water. More accurately, some of them were skipping stones, others were just trying to.  
  
Jillian knew the physics of stone skipping, she’d read a book about it once. She found the flattest stone she could and with a flick of her wrist sent it bouncing over the surface of the water. It skipped three times before it sank.  
  
Jillian whooped, pleased with herself.  
  
“Hey, well done!” Said a voice behind her. She turned around, it was Jackson.  
  
“Thanks,” Jillian bowed.  
  
Jackson laughed, “Can you show me how? Mine keep sinking.”  
  
“Sure,” said Jillian, “first you gotta find a flat stone. If it’s too round or bumpy it won’t work.”  
  
Jackson found one and Jillian gave it a nod of approval. “Okay, now what?” Jackson asked.  
  
“Now you gotta toss it so it skims across the surface,” instructed Jillian.  
  
“Like this?” Jackson asked, miming hurling it.  
  
“No,” laughed Jillian, “kinda like it’s a frisbee.”  
  
Jackson tried again.  
  
“No, too wide, flick your wrist,” said Jillian.  
  
Jackson tried sincerely this time, but still made a mess of it. Jillian leaned across him and took his wrist and moved it in the correct motion.  
  
“Like this,” she said, annoyance starting to show in her voice, not that Jackson noticed. All he noticed was his crush holding his hand. He turned around suddenly and tried to kiss her. Jillian leapt back, leaving Jackson puckering at the air.  
  
“What are you doing?” Jillian asked in disgust, her heart beating fast with panic.  
  
“I thought…” said Jackson, “You were holding my hand, I thought you liked me.”  
  
Jillian’s face twisted in revulsion, “No! You’re my friend! That’s gross.”  
  
“So you don’t have a crush on me too?” Jackson asked.  
  
Jillian shook her head with vigour, “I gotta go.” She started backing away slowly before she turned and ran, she dropped into the water and began swimming back to the camp side of the lake. Jackson stayed standing where he was in shock.  
  
Jillian made it across the lake and stormed towards the car, “I wanna go home,” she growled as she brushed past Rebecca.  
  
Rebecca stood up, grabbing the towel and tote bag. She hurried after Jillian.  
  
When Rebecca caught up to her, Jillian was already standing at the car, waiting for Rebecca to unlock the door.  
  
“Are you okay?” Rebecca asked with concern, “What happened?”  
  
Jillian shook her head. “I’m fine, I just want to go. Can you unlock the door?”  
  
“Don’t you want to get changed first?” Rebecca asked, referring to the fact that Jillian was still in her cozzy.  
  
“I want to get out of here,” said Jillian.  
  
Rebecca sighed and handed her the towel, Jillian wrapped it around herself and sat in the passenger seat. Rebecca got in and started the engine. Before she drove she made one more attempt to find out what had happened. Jillian remained stoic.  
  
After they’d been driving a while Rebecca noticed Jillian shivering out of the corner of her eye, she pulled over.  
  
“Why are we stopping?” Jillian asked.  
  
Rebecca reached over to the backseat and grabbed the tote with Jillian’s clothes. “You need to get changed, you’re shivering and I don’t want you catching a cold,” she told her.  
  
Jillian conceded, she was cold. She got changed in the car while Rebecca looked out of the window, waiting for her to finish.  
  
“Okay, I’m decent,” said Jillian as she shoved the wet towel and swim suit into the bag.  
  
“Thank you,” said Rebecca, she started the car and pulled back out onto the road.  
  
They drove in silence, Rebecca didn’t want to invade Jillian’s space by pushing for information, so she waited until Jillian was ready to speak.  
  
That time came when they were almost at the end of their journey. “He tried to kiss me,” said Jillian quietly.  
  
Rebecca glanced quickly at Jillian’s face to gauge whether or not she was making it up or not, then she looked back at the road. “Who tried to kiss you?” Rebecca tried not to let the shock and anger seep through into her voice.  
  
“Jackson,” said Jillian, she fiddled with the drawstring on her jumper.  
  
“Unbelievable,” muttered Rebecca under her breath.  
  
“What is?” Jillian asked.  
  
Rebecca sighed, “Jackson’s mom mentioned that he had a crush on you the other day, but I told her to tell him that he wasn’t to ask you out.”  
  
“Oh,” said Jillian, “well, thanks…he didn’t ask me out though.”  
  
“I know. What he did was much worse,” said Rebecca.  
  
“I thought he was my friend,” said Jillian softly.  
  
Rebecca pursed her lips, she didn’t know what to say, she had never been good at reading people’s intentions either.  
  
“Um,” said Jillian, “you didn’t tell anybody about the…lesbian thing, did you?”  
  
“No,” said Rebecca, “I didn’t know if you were out, or wanted to be out, with anybody there, so I didn’t mention anything.”  
  
“Thanks,” said Jillian, she looked at Rebecca, “you’re the only one who knows. I kinda want to keep it that way right now.”  
  
Rebecca nodded, “I understand, your secrets are safe with me.”  
  
Jillian nodded. She didn’t want to keep talking, she felt uncomfortable.  
  
  
Later that night when Rebecca was thinking about going to bed early, and looking forward to sleeping on an actual mattress, the phone rang. Rebecca answered it. It was Miranda.  
  
“Rebecca,” she said, “I just wanted to apologise. I heard what happened with Jillian, and I am so sorry. I swear, I told him you said no.”  
  
Rebecca sighed, she really didn’t want to deal with this woman right now, “I appreciate your apology. However, it is not you who should be apologising to me. I think Jillian deserves an apology too.”  
  
“Yes, I know,” said Miranda, “Jackson is waiting right here, to talk to Jillian.”  
  
“Well,” said Rebecca, “Let me see if Jillian wants to speak to him.”  
  
Jillian did.  
  
“Hello Jackson,” she said bitterly.  
  
“Hey Jillian,” said Jackson awkwardly, “Listen, I really want to apologise for what happened today at the lake. I totally misread the signals you were giving me. I hope we can still be friends.”  
  
“I want to be friends too,” said Jillian, “but, you gotta promise me that you won’t do anything stupid and gross like that again.”  
  
“I promise,” said Jackson.  
  
“Okay then. I’ll see you at practice next week then,” said Jillian.  
  
“Yeah, okay, sorry again Jillian. Bye.” Jillian hung up.  
  
Rebecca was still standing beside the phone cradle, watching Jillian, “All good?” She asked.  
  
Jillian nodded, “Yeah. All good.”  
  
“So,” said Rebecca, “first trip away from home together. What did you think?”  
  
“It was pretty good. Kinda bummed that I missed the hike and capture the flag though,” said Jillian.  
  
“Well, there will be other chances to do those things,” said Rebecca.  
  
“You mean we can go camping again?” Jillian asked.  
  
Rebecca nodded, “If you enjoyed it, then yes we can. Although, not any time soon. I feel like it’s going to take at least a week for my spine to recover from that inflatable mattress.”  
  
Jillian smiled broadly, then she dove into a hug, “Thank you.”  
  
Rebecca reciprocated the hug, “Whatever for?”  
  
“For going camping with me, and for keeping my secrets, and everything ever,” Jillian replied.  
  
Rebecca smiled and pulled Jillian deeper into the hug.


	15. Age 22: The Ex

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Puszusz wanted to know more about Gorin's "ex, whom you’ve mentioned"  
> and  
> Dlbarr83 said: "You mentioned in an earlier chapter about Rebecca’s ex it would be interesting to know about that side of her"
> 
> (And here's the first chapter with an adult Holtz!)
> 
> February 2007

  
  
_Oh crap_ , thought Jillian, _not again_. The police car that had driving behind her had just turned its siren on. Jillian pulled over and wound down her window.  
  
The officer was a woman, probably in her fifties. Jillian didn’t know anything about police badges, but from what this woman was wearing it looked like she was quite high-ranking.  
  
“Do you know why I pulled you over today?” The officer said once she’d approached the car.  
  
Jillian tried to smile as nicely as possible, hoping to weasel her way out of this one, “I may have been a _little_ bit heavy on the accelerator,” she replied honestly.  
  
The officer hummed in agreement, “Licence and registration please ma’am.”  
  
Jillian raised an eyebrow, she’d never been called ma’am before. She retrieved the requested documents and proffered them to the officer.  
  
Jillian waited nervously while the officer went back to the police car with her information. She prayed that she didn’t have any outstanding fines due. When the officer returned to her car she had a softer expression on her face. Jillian waited for her to speak.  
  
“Dr. Jillian Holtzmann?” The officer confirmed.  
  
Jillian nodded.  
  
“I think I know you,” replied the officer, “is your aunt Rebecca Gorin?”  
  
“Yeah,” said Jillian, maybe this could be how she got out of getting a ticket.  
  
“I’m June! Do you remember me?” asked the officer, June.  
  
Jillian thought for a moment, but then shook her head, “Nope, sorry.”  
  
“Ah, I guess it was a long time ago. You’re all grown up now,” June remarked.  
  
“Sorry,” apologised Jillian again.  
  
“All good,” said June.  
  
“So, were you a friend of Rebecca’s?” asked Jillian, it felt weird to say her mom’s first name, it rolled uncomfortably off her tongue.  
  
“I guess you could say that,” said June, “we were in a pretty serious relationship for about ten years.”  
  
Jillian’s jaw wanted to drop, but she maintained her composure. “Aah,” was all she said in reply.  
  
“Okay, since we were practically family for a while there, I want forget that I pulled you over. I just need you to say the alphabet backwards for me, to prove that you’re not drunk. If you’re good, then we’re good and I’ll let you go,” said June.  
  
“Okay, but I’m a genius, so I don’t think this is a fair test,” said Jillian.  
  
“Do you want to get out of this or not?” June asked.  
  
“All riii-iight,” Jillian drew out. She did as she was instructed, at an incredible speed.  
  
“Okay, not drunk, just reckless,” said June, “you’re good to go.”  
  
“Thanks again,” said Jillian.  
  
“No worries, but here,” June scribbled something out on her notebook, “can you give this to Becs?” June tore the paper out and passed it to Jillian. Jillian looked briefly at it, it was a phone number, presumably June’s.  
  
“Sure thing,” Jillian said with a smile and wink.  
  
“Thanks, and watch yourself on that accelerator, I don’t want you getting into any accidents,” warned June as she started heading back to the car.  
  
Jillian bit back the urge to tell her that she was too late on that warning, instead she wound up her window and pulled back out onto the road. 

  
  
“You’re gay?!” Jillian shouted as she walked into the apartment when she got home that night, her tone was playful, but incredulous, and loud.  
  
Rebecca looked up at her, she was standing in the kitchen with the phone to her ear, she looked a little bit confused, “I’m also on the telephone.” She indicated the phone, then went back to her conversation.  
  
“Sorry,” said Jillian with a sheepish smile. She hung her coat up on its designated hook, it immediately slipped off and onto the floor, Jillian made no attempt to amend the issue. She sat down at the kitchen table and waited patiently for Rebecca to hang up. She fiddled with the note that June had given her for Rebecca.  
  
“All right, thank you. I’ll have them on your desk by Monday. Good bye.” Rebecca hung up the phone and turned around to face Jillian. “Now what was it you were yelling about when you came in here?” Rebecca asked, she sat down at the table next to Jillian.  
  
“How come you never told me that you’re gay?” Jillian asked.  
  
Rebecca blinked. “You didn’t know?” she asked in return, squinting at her.  
  
Jillian shook her head.  
  
Rebecca sighed, “I’m sorry Jillian.  I thought you knew.”  
  
“Well, I didn’t,” Jillian said with the tiniest huff, “I mean, I guess, I’m not entitled to know, but I just thought, y’know…you would have mentioned it before.”  
  
“I certainly would have brought it up before now if I’d realised you didn’t know. I thought you remembered my ex-partner, June, she used to live with us,” said Rebecca.  
  
Jillian shook her head, “No.”  
  
“I _am_ sorry Jillian. I really thought you knew. I thought that’s why you came to me with questions about your own relationships and sex,” apologised Rebecca.  
  
“No,” repeated Jillian, “I came to you with that stuff coz you’re my mom, and because you always knew all the answers to my questions,” she paused in thought for a moment, then her jaw dropped, “That’s _why_ you knew all the answers!” she exclaimed in realisation.  
  
Rebecca chuckled a little at her, then she said, “So, what brought about this revelation?”  
  
“I met June,” replied Jillian without realising that she was about to dig herself into a hole.  
  
“I see, and how did you meet her?” Rebecca asked, she knew perfectly well that June was police officer.  
  
Jillian shrugged, “I don’t know, our paths just kind of crossed.”  
  
“Did they now?” Rebecca asked.  
  
Jillian shrunk under the look Rebecca gave her. “Okay,” she admitted, “she _might_ have pulled me over for speeding, but it’s all good, she didn’t give me a ticket!”  
  
Rebecca’s expression turned to one of disappointment, “Again? Jillian, your inheritance is being eaten up by all of these traffic violations. Can you please refrain from driving so recklessly, I don’t want you losing your licence again.”  
  
“I’m sorry,” said Jillian, “I swear, I’m trying.”  
  
“Mmmhmm.”  
  
Jillian looked at the piece of scrunched up paper in her hands and remembered that June had given it to her. She passed it to Rebecca. “She asked me to give this to you,” Jillian said.  
  
Rebecca took the paper and put it in her pocket without looking at it.  
  
“It’s her phone number,” Jillian informed her.  
  
“I figured as much,” said Rebecca.  
  
“Aren’t you going to call her?” Jillian asked.  
  
“June is no longer a part of my life and I have no intentions of revisiting the past,” Rebecca told her. Then she stood up, “You’re excused, I’m going to get started on dinner.”  
  
Jillian slowly stood up while eyeing Rebecca curiously. Something felt off.  
  


  
Nobody brought up their conversation again for the rest of the week, which was why Rebecca was so surprised that when she came home from the supermarket on Saturday afternoon, June was sitting in her living room with Jillian. They both had empty coffee cups, which told Rebecca that June must have been there for a while.  
  
“Hello,” Rebecca said as amicably as she could.  
  
“Hey!” exclaimed June, she paused, “Wow, you still look amazing.”  
  
Rebecca didn’t respond.  
  
“Jill invited me over,” said June, “I hope that’s okay.”    
  
Rebecca hummed, but didn’t give any indication as to whether that was okay or not. “Jillian, could you please give me a hand with this shopping?”  
  
“But,” Jillian indicated June.  
  
June leaned towards Jillian and stage whispered, “I think she wants to talk to you in private babe.” June shot a grin at Rebecca. Rebecca glared at her, in a comfortable way, it was more of a teasing glare than anything, like an in-joke between old friends.  
  
Jillian pursed her lips and followed Rebecca into the kitchen. Rebecca was already unpacking her shopping bags. Jillian began to help.  
  
“Why is my ex sitting in my living room?” Rebecca asked, attempting nonchalance but failing miserably, annoyance shone through in her voice.  
  
“I, uh, invited her,” Jillian admitted.  
  
“Why?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“Because, she really wanted to see you and you weren’t calling her.”  
  
“Did it ever occur to you that I hadn’t called her because I didn’t want to talk to her?” Rebecca asked, she shut the fridge with a little more force than was necessary.  
  
“No,” said Jillian softly.  
  
“That’s obvious,” said Rebecca.  
  
“I’m sorry,” said Jillian, “I just thought—“  
  
“It doesn’t matter,” huffed Rebecca, “she’s here now. Let’s just get this over with.” She looked sharply at Jillian, “Do not get too friendly with her, I don’t want her back in our lives.”  
  
Jillian nodded, “Why not? What did she do?”  
  
Rebecca didn’t answer, she walked into the living area. Jillian trotted remorsefully after her.  
  
“June,” Rebecca nodded her greeting.  
  
“Hey Becs,” said June.  
  
Jillian flopped down on the couch and Rebecca sat lightly next to her, perched in such a way that she appeared ready to spring up and leave at a moment’s notice.  
  
“Jill seems to have taken after you,” remarked June, “I hear she’s on the shortlist to be hired by CERN.”  
  
“Yes, I’m very proud of her. She’s worked hard,” said Rebecca, “Jillian prefers to be called Holtzmann now,” she added.  
  
“Holtz is fine,” Jillian chimed in quietly, she was a lot more reserved than she had been before Rebecca had gotten home. She felt guilty for arranging this get-together without Rebecca’s consent.  
  
“Noted,” said June, “And you’re at MIT now. Congrats, that’s awesome.”  
  
“Thank you,” said Rebecca almost robotically.  
  
“So, Holtz told me you haven’t dated anyone since we broke up. Couldn’t get over me, huh?” said June with a teasing wink.  
  
Rebecca shot a death glare at Jillian, “Jillian is not privy to all of my goings on. I’ve been with other people since then.”  
  
“Really?” Jillian asked curiously. Rebecca ignored her.  
  
“I’m just teasing ya,” said June, “I’m not trying to stir anything up.”  
  
“I thought as much,” replied Rebecca.  
  
“I’m in a committed relationship anyway,” said June, “you’ll have to meet my partner sometime soon. She’s just as fiery as you used to be, before you—“  
  
Rebecca cut her off with decidedly louder than necessary clearing of her throat.  
  
“Anyway,” said June, slightly awkwardly, “You raised her nice.” She nodded towards Jillian.  
  
Rebecca nodded in agreement and thanks.  
  
Their conversation was interrupted by an obnoxious beeping from Jillian’s watch. Jillian fiddled with it for a moment to stop the sound. She looked up at the two mature women in the room, “I gotta go feed the babies,” she announced. She bounced up off the couch and scampered into her bedroom.  
  
“She has children?” June asked, incredulous.  
  
Rebecca scoffed, “No. She’s fostering some rescue chinchilla kits.”  
  
“Oh, wow. Who would have guessed Dr. Rebecca Gorin would ever let an animal in her apartment?” said June lightly.  
  
“Jillian did not exactly ask for my permission to bring them home, besides, I agreed to adopt a kitten with you,” Rebecca said  
  
“And you ended up adopting a human instead,” said June. The conversation was turning bitter, this was an old wound that was reopening.  
  
“I didn’t exactly have a choice. I was listed as her testamentary guardian in the will, you know that,” said Rebecca.  
  
“But you didn’t have to adopt her, Tobias’ parents wanted her. You could have just let them take her,” June bit back. They both kept their voices low.  
  
“I couldn’t let Jillian go with those people, I never would have been able to see her again,” said Rebecca, “you know they hated us.”  
  
“That was a tough legal battle to put us both through Becs. Did you never think that if none of this had happened, we could still be together?” June asked.  
  
“You just said yourself that you have a partner, whom I assume you love. And I have Jillian, and I’m better for it. This argument is two decades old, it’s over,” Rebecca sibilated.  
  
June raised her hands in defeat, “You’re right, I’m sorry. I do love Amelia and you’ve raised an amazing kid. I’m sorry.”  
  
Jillian, who had been hiding in the hall eavesdropping and waiting for the right moment to come back in, walked into the living area, loudly saying, “Sorry, they need to be fed every two hours or else…they, I don’t know, die? Maybe? Turn into gremlins? I don’t really know the consequences for not feeding your kids on time.” She sat herself down between Rebecca and June. “So,” she said, “What did I miss?” She looked from one to the other, acting (very convincingly) as though she had not overheard their argument.  
  
“Nothing too exciting,” Rebecca told her.  
  
A sound emitted from June’s hip, “Ah, that’s bad timing,” she checked her pager, “I gotta head into work.”  
  
Rebecca looked relieved, to her, it was perfect timing.  
  
They all stood up, “Well, it was nice to see you both again.” June looked like she was unsure whether they should hug or just shake hands.  
  
Rebecca chose neither, she walked past her to the front door, “Thank you for stopping by,” she said without really meaning it.  
  
June nodded, “See ya kid,” she waved to Jillian.  
  
Jillian waved awkwardly back.  
  
“Bye Becs,” said June sentimentally.  
  
Rebecca nodded, “Good bye June.”  
  
She left.  
  
Jillian was standing uncomfortably in front of the couch. Rebecca walked back from the door towards her.  
  
“I’m really sorry I invited her, I should have asked first,” said Jillian seriously.  
  
“It’s fine. How much did you hear?” Rebecca asked gently.  
  
“Hear? Of what? Nothing?” Jillian said awkwardly and unconvincingly.  
  
Rebecca merely raised an eyebrow at her, they both sat down on the couch.  
  
Jillian conceded, “Did you break up because of me?”  
  
“No, no,” said Rebecca firmly, “you may have been a catalyst, but our breaking up was a long time coming.”  
  
Jillian was looking down at her knees, there was a question on the tip of her tongue, but she was too afraid to ask it.  
  
“What are you thinking?” Rebecca asked softly.  
  
“Did you only adopt me because you had to?” Jillian asked almost inaudibly.  
  
“No,” Rebecca repeated even more firmly than before, “I wanted you. June did too. But so did your father’s parents. There was a long and tedious fight between us, and several mediators, but I won and I got to keep you. Everything was worth it in the end, even losing June.”  
  
“Really?” Jillian asked, she still felt insecure.  
  
“Yes, really Jillian. _You_ are the greatest thing that has ever happened in my life. Please don’t let an old argument make you believe otherwise,” said Rebecca.  
  
Jillian nodded, but then she said, “You said that you didn’t have a choice about whether or not you adopted me though.”  
  
“I didn’t mean it in that way,” explained Rebecca, “I could have let your grandparents adopt you, but if I had then I never would have been allowed to see you again. When I said that I didn’t have a choice, I meant that my choice was obvious.”  
  
“Why couldn’t you have seen me again?” Jillian asked.  
  
Rebecca paused, “That’s something I don’t want to get into right now, but believe me when I say, it definitely worked out for the best that you came to live with me.”  
  
“How come I’ve never met them? Are they still alive?” Jillian asked.  
  
“I actually don’t know,” replied Rebecca, “they might be. And you’ve never met them because of me.”  
  
“Because of you how?” Jillian asked.  
  
“Again,” said Rebecca, “that’s not a question that I want to answer.”  
  
Jillian felt hard done by, she felt that she deserved to know the answers. Regardless, she nodded her head, “Okay. Sorry.”  
  
“I forgive you,” replied Rebecca, “but can we please agree that when it comes to my private life, you _ask me first_ before you do anything?”  
  
“Sure,” agreed Jillian. Then she had a thought, “Speaking of your private life…?”  
  
Rebecca gave her a warning look, but did not stop her from speaking.  
  
“When and who did you date since you were with June? I don’t remember anyone else?” Jillian asked.  
  
“Because I haven’t told you about them,” replied Rebecca, “it’s not any of your business.”  
  
Jillian huffed, “Will you tell me ever?”  
  
“When you need to know,” replied Rebecca. She stood up.  
  
“Conversation over?” Jillian asked.  
  
Rebecca nodded, “And you can make dinner tonight.”  
  
Jillian moaned, “Can I make take out?”  
  
Rebecca just gave her a look and walked into her study.  
  
“That’s probably a no then,” Jillian said to herself as she sauntered off into the kitchen.


	16. Age 8: Socialising

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rebecca is invited out to a social event with her colleagues. 
> 
> One of the kids I look after sometimes reminds me of Jillian, so this is an amalgamation of some of the things he's done that I've filed away at the back of my mind as a reference for Jillian. 
> 
> tw: non-graphic descriptions of blood.
> 
> May 1992

Rebecca was tidying up her desk. It had been a long week at work and she was looking forward to getting home and relaxing over the weekend. She checked her watch, 2.00pm, she still had a bit of time before she needed to pick Jillian up from school.  
  
A knock sounded at her office door. She looked up. “Come in.”  
  
“Hi Rebecca,” it was Dr. Lucy Oliver, one of the few other women who worked in Rebecca’s department.  
  
“Can I help you?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“Yeah, it’s late notice, but a few of us were thinking we might go out for dinner tonight. If you wanted to join us?” Lucy said.  
  
Rebecca did want to join them. She wasn’t usually the kind of person to go out for any social event, but she’d been once before and had found the conversation to be mentally stimulating and actually rather enjoyable. Unfortunately, there was one problem that hadn’t been around the last time she’d gone out (yes, it had been about five years since she’d been invited out by her colleagues).  
  
“I would like to,” she admitted, “but I don’t think I’d be able to get a baby sitter on such short notice.”  
  
“Oh,” said Lucy in surprise, “I didn’t know you have a kid.”  
  
“I do,” said Rebecca. She checked her watch again, “I have to leave soon.”  
  
“Well, you can bring them with you if you like, some of the other professors are bringing their kids,” suggested Lucy.  
  
Rebecca contemplated the offer. Jillian could be loud and rambunctious at the best of times, she wasn’t sure she could imagine her sitting at a table with a handful of college professors.  
  
“How old are they?” Lucy asked, “The restaurant has an outdoor area and a playground if you’re worried about them getting bored.”  
  
Rebecca wondered how Lucy had guessed what she was thinking. “She’s just had her eighth birthday,” said Rebecca.  
  
“Oh, that’s perfect. Dr. Sanston’s got a nine year old daughter, she’ll have a play mate,” said Lucy.  
  
Rebecca frowned in thought.  
  
“Please say you’ll come, debates about particle physics are absolutely no fun without you,” said Lucy.  
  
Rebecca sighed in concession, “All right.”  
  
“Great,” Lucy handed her a piece of notepaper, “that’s the name and address of the restaurant there. We’re meeting at six.”  
  
“Okay, I’ll see you there,” said Rebecca, she glanced at her watch again, “I need to go.”  
  
“Sure, see you tonight.”  
  
  
Rebecca met Jillian outside of her classroom. As usual, Jillian was the last student to leave.  
  
“How was school today,” Rebecca asked after Jillian had given her a hello hug.  
  
“It was really good,” said Jillian enthusiastically, “Look, I won a putty.”  
  
Jillian brandished a small tub with orange silly putty inside.  
  
Rebecca tried not to grimace at the thought of the mess Jillian was going to make with it, instead she tried to focus on what Jillian could learn from its unique physical properties, so she said, “Well done. What did you do to win it?”  
  
“We started a times table competition in class. If you’re at the top of the leader board on Friday you get to win a prize. I’m going to win next week too,” Jillian said confidently.  
  
Rebecca was fairly sure that Jillian’s assumption would be correct, but she said, “Don’t count on it Jillian. Someone may surprise you, you’ll have to make sure to practise.”  
  
“Oh I will,” said Jillian. She started to try to take the lid off the putty tub as they walked. “Wanna see how high it can bounce?”  
  
“Wait until we get home Jillian,” said Rebecca.  
  
“Why?”  
  
“Because you could lose it, or it could get covered in dirt,” Rebecca started to list. They reached the car and she unlocked it.  
  
“Fine,” said Jillian, “I’ll wait ’til we get inside.”  
  
“Thank you,” said Rebecca.  
  
Jillian threw her bag onto the back seat and then climbed in next to it. She buckled up her seat belt, still toying with the tub in her hands.  
  
Rebecca started the car. “We’ve been invited out to dinner tonight,” she told Jillian.  
  
“Who by?” Jillian asked, “do we know anybody?” She slowly opened the putty tub, trying not to let Rebecca hear as the seal broke open.  
  
“By some of my colleagues,” replied Rebecca.  
  
“Will there be other kids there?” Jillian asked. She took the putty out of the tub, enjoying how squishy it felt as it oozed between her fingers.  
  
“Yes, one of them is a girl who is about your age,” replied Rebecca.  
  
“Cool,” said Jillian. She rolled the putty into a ball and tried to resist the urge to bounce it.  
  
Rebecca heard the squishing sound of the silly putty. She looked at Jillian in the rearview mirror. “Jillian, I told you to wait until we got home. Put that away.”  
  
“I thought you said ’til we got in the car,” said Jillian, squeezing the putty again and definitely not putting it away.  
  
“No, I did not. Put it away now or I’m confiscating it,” said Rebecca.  
  
“Okay, jeez,” said Jillian.  
  
She pushed the putty back into the tub and then looked around for the lid. She couldn’t find it. She leaned over, looking between her feet, there it was on the floor. As she reached for the lid the putty slipped out of the (now upside-down) tub and onto the car seat.  
  
“Oops,” Jillian said as she sat back up with the lid and saw what had happened.  
  
Rebecca sighed, “What’s ‘oops’?”  
  
“Nothing,” said Jillian quickly, she tried to pick the putty up. Most of it got back into the tub, but some was stuck to the seat.  
  
Rebecca stopped at a stop sign and glanced back at Jillian, she saw the mess on the seat and the guilty look on Jillian’s face. “Really Jillian?” She asked as she turned her attention back to the road.  
  
“I didn’t mean to!” Jillian said apologetically.  
  
“I know you didn’t mean to,” said Rebecca, “but if you had have just listened to me, it wouldn’t have happened.”  
  
“I’m sorry,” said Jillian.  
  
Rebecca pulled into the driveway of the apartment building garage. She stopped the car and got out, she walked to Jillian’s door and opened it. Jillian sat there guiltily looking at the putty mess between her knees.  
  
“I’m sorry,” Jillian repeated.  
  
Rebecca sighed, she unbuckled Jillian’s seatbelt and hoisted her up over the mess so none of it got on her clothes when she got out of the car. Rebecca put her down next to her.  
  
“It’s fine Jillian. I’ve cleaned worse stains than this off my lab coat. But I need you to start listening to me, I asked you not to play with it because I knew it would make a mess,” said Rebecca, “Can you promise me you’ll start trying to listen to what I tell you?”  
  
Jillian nodded.  
  
“Thank you.”  
  
  
They were late arriving to dinner. Rebecca was annoyed, she had never once been late to a work function before, but somehow Jillian always found a way to make them late to wherever they were going. Today’s reason was that her shoes had somehow gone missing, every single pair she owned, including the pair she’d been wearing that day. Rebecca didn’t know what to make of that, but they eventually found a pair of white sandals, which Jillian refused to wear without her rainbow striped socks.  
  
Rebecca scanned the restaurant for anybody she recognised, it was difficult to spot her colleagues when they weren’t all wearing lab coats. She found them and walked over. There was ten people sitting around the table and there were two spare places at the table between Lucy and a girl (who Rebecca assumed, correctly, was Dr. Sanston’s daughter). They sat down.  
  
“You made it,” said Lucy, “is this your kid? She’s a cutie.”  
  
Jillian scrunched up her face, she didn’t like being called cute.  
  
“Yes, this is Jillian.”  
  
“Hello,” said Jillian quietly, suddenly shy around all of the adults.  
  
“Hi Jillian,” said Dr. Sanston’s daughter, “I’m Emma.”  
  
Jillian turned around in her chair, “Hi.”  
  
“Wanna go play on the playground with me?” Emma asked.  
  
“Yeah,” said Jillian, she turned to Rebecca, “can I go?”  
  
Rebecca passed her a menu, “Choose what you want to eat first, then you may go and play.”  
  
Jillian quickly scanned the kids’ menu, “Can I get a cheeseburger?”  
  
“You may, if you get salad or vegetables with it,” replied Rebecca.  
  
Jillian made a face. Rebecca gave her a pointed look, waiting for a response.  
  
“Vegetables,” Jillian sighed.  
  
“Thank you, you’re excused,” said Rebecca.  
  
“Thank you!” Jillian ran off with Emma.  
  
Rebecca finally gave her full attention to the professors at the table. Those who were sitting nearest to her were watching her. Rebecca looked back at them.  
  
“Who would have thought stern Dr. Rebecca Gorin would have a kid?” said Professor Pierce.  
  
Rebecca didn’t know how to respond. Personally, she’d never thought she’d have a child either.  
  
“Is there are father in the picture?” Professor Pierce asked (rather nosily, Rebecca thought), “Never heard you mention a husband before.”  
  
“Jillian is adopted,” Rebecca replied.  
  
“Huh,” he said, “so not only do you have a kid, but you had a kid on purpose.”  
  
“What are you implying?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“Just that, I never pictured you as warm motherly type,” replied Pierce.  
  
“You have a girlfriend, don’t you?” Dr. Sanston asked.  
  
Rebecca was baffled by the sudden need of her colleagues to interrogate her on her private life. "Not presently,” replied Rebecca, “not that it’s anyone’s business but mine. I adopted Jillian and I’m raising her on my own. Do we need to continue with this interrogation?”  
  
“Sorry,” said Dr. Sanston. Pierce looked less sorry, but he did stop questioning Rebecca.  
  
At that moment, to Rebecca’s relief, a waitress came to take their orders.  
  
  
Jillian and Emma returned to the table as the food was beginning to be served. By that time the academic discussion was well underway and the adults barely noticed the children’s return.  
  
Jillian was delighted to see a chocolate milkshake beside her burger, she nudged Rebecca. Rebecca turned to look at her.  
  
“Is that for me?” Jillian whispered excitedly.  
  
Rebecca nodded and turned back to her conversation. Jillian clapped her hands twice with enthusiasm and then sipped at her milkshake. She peeked over at Rebecca’s plate to see if there was anything she might like to try. She just had grilled fish and vegetables, nothing too exciting. Jillian turned her attention back to her burger.  
  
“Do you play video games?” Emma asked Jillian as she dunked a nugget in some tomato sauce.  
  
Jillian shook her head, “My mom won’t let me.” She looked accusingly at Rebecca, who either didn’t notice or chose not to respond.  
  
“I just got a Super Nintendo,” said Emma proudly, “well, actually it’s my big brother’s, but he let’s me play on it. Maybe you could come over some time and we can play together.”  
  
Jillian nodded enthusiastically. Her mouth was full of cheeseburger and she was trying to mind her table manners (Rebecca had given her a big talk about it on the drive to the restaurant), otherwise she would have spoken at that moment. She swallowed. “You have a brother?”  
  
“Yep, he’s seventeen,” said Emma with pride.  
  
“Is it fun to have a brother?” Jillian asked.  
  
“Sometimes, he used to be really annoying all the time. Now he’s only a little annoying some of the time,” said Emma, “I think a sister would be better.”  
  
“I don’t have any brothers or sisters,” said Jillian.  
  
“You’re probably lucky,” said Emma, “I’d kill to be an only child.”  
  
“If you chose to kill your brother then you would be,” pointed out Jillian.  
  
“Hmmm. That’s not a bad idea,” said Emma, pretending to ponder.  
  
“Don’t listen to Jillian, she’s a bad influence,” Rebecca said without turning her head to look at the children. They’d both forgotten that they were sitting at the table between the adults who could hear what they were saying.  
  
“I am not!” Jillian protested, but she knew Rebecca’s comment had been said in jest.  She turned back to Emma, “I’m not,” she reiterated.  
  
Emma just laughed and ate another chip, “Wanna go play on the playground again after dinner?”  
  
“Yes, we still gotta do our obstacle course race,” said Jillian. She’d been organising one with the other kids before they saw their meals come to the table.  
  
“Cool, I think we should include the slide in our—“ Emma started to speak.  
  
“Wait a second,” Jillian interrupted, she turned to Professor Pierce, who, in her opinion, had just said something dumb, “I think you’d need a quadruple arrangement, not a dipole one.”  
  
“Quadru _pole_ ,” Rebecca corrected her.  
  
“Quadrupole,” Jillian echoed, memorising the word. Then she turned back to Emma, “You’re right, we definitely need to include the slide, what is an obstacle course without a slide?” She slurped her milkshake.  
  
“How did she know that?” Pierce asked Rebecca.  
  
“Jillian is very advanced,” replied Rebecca, “and she has an excellent memory and a knack for stealing my textbooks.”  
  
“Impressive,” said Pierce, “is she going to follow in your footsteps and study particle physics and nuclear engineering once she graduates high school?”  
  
Rebecca shook her head, “Jillian’s eight, she hasn’t put much real thought into her future. The last I heard her career goal was to be a professional roller skater.”  
  
“I wanna be a cat trainer now,” Jillian inputted into the conversation. She started blowing into her straw to create milkshake bubbles.  
  
“Don’t do that Jillian,” said Rebecca.  
  
Jillian stopped. “Why not?” She started again.  
  
“Because it’s bad table manners,” Rebecca replied.  
  
Jillian stopped again, “Sorry.” She noisily slurped up the last sip while Rebecca stared disapprovingly at her.  
  
“I’m finished, can we go play again?” Jillian asked.  
  
Rebecca looked at Jillian’s plate, “You didn’t eat your vegetables.”  
  
“Wait, first I had to order them and now you’re telling me I have to eat them too?” Jillian complained.  
  
Rebecca raised an eyebrow at Jillian, challenging her to continue. Jillian didn’t accept the challenge, she looked down at her plate and scoffed her vegetables quickly.  
  
“Now?” Jillian asked.  
  
“Yes,” agreed Rebecca.  
  
Jillian ran off and Emma followed.  
  
“They seem to be getting along well,” remarked Sanston to Rebecca.  
  
“Jillian makes friends very easily,” said Rebecca, “although, she does have trouble keeping them, she can be a bit of a force of nature at times.”  
  
“Well, Emma can be full-on sometimes too, maybe we should arrange a playdate sometime in the future and get them to wear each other out,” suggested Sanston.  
  
“Perhaps,” said Rebecca. She looked over at the playground to check on Jillian. The young girl appeared to be directing the other children on some game.  
  
Rebecca turned back to the conversation at the table, which had become less of an intellectual debate and more of a gossip session about the new head of their department. Rebecca was less interested in the conversation, but she followed it anyway without input.  
  
She was pulled away from the conversation when she heard a scream, it was definitely Jillian’s, she stood up and looked over at the playground to see if she needed to become involved.  
  
“Don’t worry about her, I’m sure she’s fine. Emma will scream at just about anything to get my attention,” said Sanston.  
  
“Jillian doesn’t. If she’s screaming then it’s bad,” said Rebecca, not really paying attention to what she was saying as she drifted off towards the playground.  
  
When she got there Jillian was sitting on the ground at the bottom of the slide crying loudly. She had clamped her hand over her left shin but Rebecca could see blood coating her fingers. The other children was gathered around her, all looking unsure of what to do. Rebecca pushed past them.  
  
“Jillian,” she said, to let her know that she was there. Jillian looked up with a red face that was wet with tears.  
  
“What happened? Let me see,” Rebecca said gently and urgently.  
  
Rebecca had to pry Jillian’s fingers from her leg as she was too reluctant to let go. There was a large graze running down the length of her shin, it was bloody, but not deep.  
  
“She was trying to climb up the slide and she slipped,” said one of the children. Rebecca heard, but did not acknowledge the child, instead she scooped her sobbing daughter into her arms and carried her inside the restaurant, in search of a bathroom where she could clean her up.  
  
Rebecca put Jillian down on the bench in the ladies’ restroom. She removed Jillian’s sock before it could get soiled, and noticed that both of her shoes were missing. Then she pulled out a few paper towels from the dispenser and ran some water over them. She moved to clean some of the blood from Jillian’s leg.  
  
“No, don’t touch!” sobbed Jillian loudly.  
  
Rebecca stopped what she was doing and looked at Jillian’s face, the girl was breathing heavily with fear in her eyes. Rebecca put the sopping towels down on the sink.  
  
“It’s not that bad,” she told Jillian.  
  
“It huuuuurts,” moaned Jillian.  
  
“I’m sorry, but just, let me clean it, you’ll see it’s not as bad as it looks,” said Rebecca.  
  
Jillian whimpered. Rebecca picked up the paper towels again. “Okay?” She asked.  
  
Jillian nodded. Her sobs turned into hiccups as Rebecca gently patted her leg down with the towels, cleaning away the blood.  
  
“There,” she said when she was done, “just a graze.”  
  
Jillian looked down. Rebecca was right, it wasn’t as bad as she thought it was. “Still hurts,” Jillian told her.  
  
“I know,” said Rebecca, “I’ve got some antiseptic in my bag, we’ll put that on when we go back outside.”  
  
“No, that stings!” Jillian protested.  
  
“Yes, but an infection would be worse,” said Rebecca.  
  
Jillian jutted out her lower lip. Rebecca ignored her and picked up her sock, slipping it back on over Jillian’s foot. “Where are your shoes?” Rebecca asked.  
  
Jillian shrugged, “Somewhere.”  
  
_Excellent_ , Rebecca thought sarcastically.  
  
She lifted Jillian off the bench and onto the tiled floor. She held onto Jillian’s hand as they walked back outside to their table, not wanting her to slip in her socks again. They got back to the table and sat at their respective chairs. Jillian winced as Rebecca applied the antiseptic cream. Then when she was done Jillian climbed into her lap and buried her face in Rebecca’s shoulder, partly because she wanted comfort, and partly because she was too embarrassed to face anyone else after crying so much. Rebecca rested her chin atop Jillian’s curls.  
  
_Is she okay_? Sanston mouthed. Emma looked equally concerned beside her.  
  
Rebecca nodded and rejoined the adult conversation (which was back on academics again). It wasn’t long before Jillian started to doze off.  
  
“I think we’ll have to head home, it’s past Jillian’s bedtime,” Rebecca said quietly to Lucy.  
  
Lucy was going to protest, but when she saw Jillian, heavily asleep against Rebecca, she nodded, “All right. Thanks for coming.”  
  
Rebecca nodded, “Thank you for inviting us.” She nudged Jillian. Jillian blinked back into the realm of consciousness. “We’re going now,” she told her.  
  
Groggily, Jillian climbed off Rebecca’s lap and went to retrieve her shoes from the playground, she slipped them back on and walked back to the table.  
  
“Say good bye,” Rebecca whispered into her ear as she picked up her purse.  
  
“Bye everyone,” she mumbled sleepily.  
  
A smattering of goodbyes sounded from around the table in response.  
  
“Goodnight,” Rebecca nodded to her colleagues and then led Jillian back to the car where she fell asleep in the backseat as they drove home.  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (I'm still the tiniest bit annoyed about the silly putty on my car seat...)


	17. Age 36: Pranks and Compromises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> eppystjust said: If you do a Holtzbert chapter - you should have them going out and Holtz having hidden her shoes... exasperated Erin. full circle. ;) (complete with rainbow socks!)
> 
> I thought this was a hilarious idea and I accidentally wrote it up immediately. I have six other chapters that are almost complete, I think they may be starting to feel neglected! 
> 
> May 2020

“Jillian Holtzmann!” Erin cried in exasperation.  
  
There was no answer. Either because Holtzmann was in the shower and she hadn’t heard Erin shouting, or because she knew exactly what she was doing and was pretending not to have heard her. Whichever it was, Erin didn’t care, she marched into the bathroom.  
  
Holtz stuck her head out from behind the shower curtain, “I’m naked!” She announced with false indignity.  
  
“I don’t care,” Erin told her, “What have you done with my shoes?”  
  
Holtz turned off the water, she reached out her hand and groped for a towel. Erin dutifully passed her one. She wrapped it around herself and stepped out of the shower, dripping a puddle onto the tiled floor.  
  
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she said.  
  
“All of my shoes are missing. Every. Single. Pair,” Erin enunciated her words through her teeth.  
  
“Why would I take your shoes? We’re different sizes.” Holtz asked nonchalantly.  
  
“I don’t know, but since they can’t actually walk off on their own, I have to assume you took them,” said Erin.  
  
Holtz’s eyes lit up, “Could you imagine shoes walking off on their own? I bet I could whip something up in no time, self-walking shoes…” She started to write up some plans in the fog on the mirror.  
  
“Holtzmann!” Erin cried, “Did you, or did you not take my shoes?”  
  
Holtz shook her head and started pulling on her clothes, “Erin, would I do that? We have a dinner reservation, I wouldn’t want to be late. I hate being late to things.”  
  
“Holtz, you’re chronically late to everything,” Erin pointed out.  
  
Holtz pulled a face, but she didn’t protest.  
  
“That’s it!” Erin threw her arms up in the air. Then she left the room.  
  
Holtz finished getting dressed. She was sitting on the end of their bed slipping on her boots when Erin walked into the room, she held out her phone.  
  
“Here,” said Erin.  
  
“Who is it?” Holtz asked, staring dubiously at the phone.  
  
“Just take it,” Erin thrust it forward.  
  
Holtz took the phone, “Nino’s Pizzeria, may I take your order?”  
  
“Jillian!” Rebecca snapped at her through the phone.  
  
Holtz almost dropped it, then she looked at Erin, “You called my Mom?!” She said accusingly.  
  
Erin shrugged, looking smug.  
  
“So,” Holtz said into the phone, “Was that pepperoni or vegetarian?”  
  
“Jillian,” Rebecca said, “What are you doing?”  
  
“Taking your order?” Holtz said.  
  
“No you’re not. It sounds like you’re behaving like a child,” Rebecca told her.  
  
“I didn’t do anything!” Holtz said, “Erin’s just accusing me of stuff coz she’s too embarrassed to admit that her shoes ran away from her.”  
  
“Are you still six years old Jillian?” Rebecca asked sarcastically.  
  
“Shit,” said Holtz with fake seriousness, “You’re beginning to show your age. Are you losing you’re memory? That was thirty years ago.”  
  
Rebecca didn’t answer for a moment, Holtz started to worry that she may have offended her.  
  
“Just give your girlfriend her shoes back Jillian,” said Rebecca.  
  
“I can’t,” said Holtz.  
  
Rebecca sighed, “Why not?”  
  
Holtz hesitated, briefly making eye contact with Erin before looking away, “I locked them in the safe at the firehouse.”  
  
“Holtz!” Erin groaned.  
  
Holtz put the phone on speaker.  
  
“I don’t see how that’s a problem,” said Rebecca, “why don’t you just go and get them for her.”  
  
“We’ll miss our reservation,” said Erin.  
  
Holtz looked at her, “Yeah, that…and the other thing.”  
  
“What other thing,” said Rebecca and Erin in unison.  
  
Holtz paused, looking from Erin to the phone, “Is nobody going to say jinx?”  
  
“Holtz!” “Jillian.”  
  
“I also, accidentally, locked the key in there too,” Holtz admitted.  
  
Erin stared at her in bewilderment.    
  
“I called a locksmith!” Holtz said defensively, “They just can’t get there until tomorrow afternoon.”  
  
“What am I supposed to wear tonight Holtz!” Erin exclaimed.  
  
Holtz shrugged.  
  
“Didn’t you wear shoes home today?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“I can’t find those either,” said Erin, staring accusingly at Holtz.  
  
“Why do you always blame me?” Holtz said with a smile.  
  
“Because you’re always the culprit,” said Erin.  
  
“Holtzy sorry,” said Holtz, her good humour starting to drop a bit.  
  
“Jillian, give Erin back her shoes so I can get on with my evening,” said Rebecca with exhaustion in her voice.  
  
“Why? What’re your evening plans? Hot Date?” Holtz asked with a wink that Rebecca could not see.  
  
“I’m hanging up now,” said Rebecca.  
  
“Okay, I’m sorry, I’ll behave,” said Holtz.  
  
“Good,” said Rebecca, “I’m still hanging up now though, you’re grown ups, you can deal with this on your own.”  
  
“Night Mom,” said Holtz.  
  
“Night Dr. Gorin,” Erin called.  
  
Rebecca hung up.  
  
Holtz looked at Erin, “I can’t believe you told on me to my mom.”  
  
Erin shrugged, “Well, when you act like a child, you get treated like a child.”  
  
“Hey,” said Holtz indignantly, “that joke is way too sophisticated for a child. Do you really think I would have done that as a kid?”  
  
Erin looked her up and down once, “Yes.”  
  
“Fair,” said Holtz with a grin, “I did.”  
  
“Of course you did. Now where are the shoes I wore home?” Erin asked.  
  
Holtz opened Erin’s sock drawer. Instead of her usual neatly organised balled socks there were the sneakers she’d worn home and a pair of rainbow socks.  
  
“What did you do with my socks?” Erin asked.  
  
Holtz shrugged, “All of your socks are boring, they’re locked up with your painful shoes.”  
  
Begrudgingly Erin began to pull on the socks and sneakers. “I don’t understand the purpose of this prank Holtz.”  
  
Holtz bobbed down and tied the lace on one of Erin’s shoes as Erin slipped the other one on. “I thought it would be funny.”  
  
“And was it?” Erin asked as she stood up, brushing out the creases on her dress.  
  
“That is.” Holtz pointed at Erin’s feet.  
  
The rainbow socks and Converse did not go well with the fancy dress that Erin was wearing.  
  
“That’s it, I’m not going out. I can’t go looking like this,” Erin said.  
  
“Noooo!” Holtz moaned, “You look great. No one’s going to be staring at your shoes when your face is so pretty. I promise.” She held up a salute, “Scout’s honour.”  
  
“You were never a scout,” said Erin.  
  
“Well, no,” admitted Holtz.  
  
Erin sighed, “You have to wear something ridiculous too, then.”  
  
Holtz indicated her own outfit, “Is this not enough?”  
  
“It doesn’t count if it’s how you usually dress,” said Erin.  
  
“Fine,” Holtz threw open the wardrobe, looking for something to appease Erin. She pulled down a box from the top shelf (after several jumps to reach it). “What about this?”  
  
She opened the lid and Erin peered inside. It was the purple wig and the hat that she’d donned at the Stonebrook Theatre years ago.  
  
“Okay,” said Erin, “First of all, why do you have that? And secondly, are you seriously trying to tell me that you wouldn’t wear that on a normal day?”  
  
Holtz held up one finger, “I liked them, so I flirted with the wardrobe supervisor and she gave them to me,” Holtz noticed the look Erin gave her, so she added, “before we started dating.” She held up a second finger, “And yes I would, but not to a fancy restaurant.” She dropped her hand down.  
  
“Okay, wear it then,” said Erin with a smile.  
  
When they got to the restaurant they had a waitress take a photo of the two of them, which Holtz texted to Rebecca.  
  


* * *

  
Rebecca heard her phone buzz, she put down her book and retrieved her phone from the coffee table. There was a text from Jillian, she opened it and rolled her eyes at the photo.  
  
_That had better be a wig Jillian. You promised me you’d never dye your hair that color again._ She typed out and then pressed send.  
  
_Looks like you’re having fun. Enjoy your date._ She added in a second text.  
  
Then she picked up her book and her glass of wine to continue enjoying her own evening in comfortable silence.


	18. Age 3: Yellow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dlbarr83 said: I had an idea about the first time lil Holtz gets really sick. What that would do to a stoic / concerned parent
> 
>  
> 
> December 1986

  
  
  
“Can I watch cartoons?” Jillian asked as she finished the last of her apple slices.  
  
Rebecca was sitting at the table opposite her, she looked at the clock. “Thirty minutes, okay.”  
  
“Forty?” Jillian bargained.  
  
“Thirty or zero,” said Rebecca.  
  
Jillian huffed and accepted her lost battle. She slid off her chair and started to wander into the living area.  
  
“Plate,” said Rebecca sternly.  
  
Jillian wandered back and retrieved her plate from the table, she carried it to the kitchen and deposited it on the bench next to the sink.  
  
“Thank you,” said Rebecca as Jillian walked past her again.  
  
Jillian nodded and continued her beeline to the television. She turned it on and searched through the channels until she landed on a cartoon. She stood in front of the television, already lost to reality.  
  
Rebecca could see her from her place at the table, “Jillian sit down further away from the screen please.”  
  
The only acknowledgement made that Jillian had heard her was the fact that she slowly backed away and sat down on the floor, her eyes never left the screen. Rebecca didn’t always like to let Jillian watch television because she would often fall into a trance and ignore her completely, but she had a lot of work to do so today she decided to allow it.  
  
Rebecca was concentrating on her work; after twenty minutes had passed she looked up to check on Jillian and was surprised to see that she was gone. Rebecca stood up to search for her, she didn’t like to leave Jillian unattended as she had a penchant for getting herself into trouble.  
  
Jillian was curled up under the coffee table with a cushion from the couch over her head. Rebecca bobbed down when she got to the table.  
  
“What are you doing Jillian?” Rebecca asked.  
  
Jillian didn’t answer.  
  
Rebecca was instantly concerned, “Jillian, are you okay.”  
  
Jillian sniffed. Rebecca shut her eyes, preparing herself for the tears.  
  
“Come out from under there please,” she said as softly as she knew how.  
  
Jillian whimpered. Rebecca was feeling less and less sure of what to do. She found herself (for the millionth time) longing for her sister, at least when she’d merely been babysitting Jillian she could have called for help when she didn’t know what to do.  
  
“Jillian,” Rebecca cooed, still trying to get Jillian to respond to her. There was no response.  
  
Rebecca gently tried to remove the cushion that Jillian was hiding beneath. As soon as she did Jillian cried out and quickly extricated herself from beneath the table, she sprinted to her bedroom and slammed the door behind her.  
  
Shit, thought Rebecca, Wrong move.  
  
Rebecca wondered if she should leave Jillian alone or if she should go and find out what was wrong. All she knew for sure was that maybe she wasn’t quite cut out for this whole parenting thing. Rebecca felt shaky, anxious that she was doing this all wrong. So, she chose to do what she always did when she needed to calm down. She went to the phone. It only rang twice before there was an answer.  
  
“Hello?”  
  
“June, it’s me,” said Rebecca.  
  
“Oh hi Becs, you okay? You sound off,” said June.  
  
“I don’t know what to do,” Rebecca replied.  
  
“What’s going on? Is it a you problem or a Jill problem?” June asked.  
  
“Jillian,” Rebecca replied, “she was hiding under the table and covering her face and when I tried to talk to her she ran into her room. Am I supposed to follow her or give her space?”  
  
“Shit Becs, follow her,” said June, “you always follow the kid when they’re that small.”  
  
“Okay,” Rebecca let out a shaky breath.  
  
“Go find out what’s wrong, I’ll see if I can get home earlier today,” said June.  
  
“Thank you,” said Rebecca, she hung up.  
  
  
Rebecca paused outside Jillian’s door, _Does one knock in this situation_? she wondered. She decided not to waste anytime thinking about it and briefly tapped the door with her knuckles as she opened it.  
  
The room was dark and Jillian was lying on her bed clutching her bear and crying softly into his matted fur. Rebecca shut the door behind her then walked to the bed and squatted down in front of Jillian’s face.  
  
“Jillian,” she spoke as softly as she could.  
  
Jillian responded with a moan. Her eyes were shut. Rebecca thought about any act of comfort that she had ever seen or been offered, trying to figure out what she should do. Being comforting and open didn’t come naturally to Rebecca; she figured she would have to adapt if she was going to raise this kid, but she didn’t know if she could. She brushed back a ringlet of hair that had fallen in front of Jillian’s face.  
  
Jillian reacted to the touch, reaching out her hand. Rebecca was startled at first but then she took Jillian’s hand in her own.  
  
“What’s wrong?” Rebecca tried asking.  
  
“Not feel well,” Jillian replied, forgoing any proper sentence structure and refusing to open her eyes.  
  
“What doesn’t feel well?” Rebecca asked as softly as she could, trying not to let her voice sound clipped as it usually did.  
  
Jillian heaved a big sigh, “My head, my eyes, my tummy.”  
  
Rebecca frowned. She recognised those symptoms. It was very possible that Jillian was suffering from a migraine. “Does your head feel a bit like something is squeezing it?” Rebecca asked.  
  
Jillian nodded.  
  
“And the light is hurting your eyes?” Rebecca asked as she looked up at the ceiling light that had been left off.  
  
Again, Jillian nodded.  
  
“Do you think you might be sick?” Rebecca asked, she wondered if she should get a bucket or something, just in case.  
  
Jillian shook her head, “Not this time.”  
  
“Not this time?” Rebecca repeated, “You’ve felt like this before?”  
  
“Lots,” said Jillian.  
  
Rebecca was immediately concerned; Lisa had never mentioned that Jillian was suffering like this and now Rebecca was wondering if there was an underlying issue causing it.  
  
“What do you normally do?” Rebecca asked, she didn’t want to ask Jillian what her _mom_ usually did, fearing she might add to Jillian’s pain by reminding her of what she had lost.  
  
“Sleep,” said Jillian.  
  
“Do you want me to leave you alone so can sleep then?” Rebecca asked.  
  
Jillian shook her head and squeezed Rebecca’s hand lightly, “Stay with me,” she said.  
  
Rebecca changed from her squatting position to a seated one on the floor, figuring she might as well try to get comfortable, “I won’t leave you,” she promised.  
  
Jillian nodded, her eyes were still shut. Rebecca used her free hand to gently stroke Jillian’s hair. Jillian visibly began to relax.  
  
  
Rebecca was woken in the evening by someone gently shaking her shoulder. She blinked her eyes open, the light was still off but the room was illuminated by the light coming in from the hall. It was June who was waking her up.  
  
June put her finger to her lips indicating that Rebecca shouldn’t make a sound, she nodded her head towards Jillian who was still asleep. Rebecca gently extricated her hand from Jillian’s and stood up. She felt stiff from having sat on the floor for so long. The pair silently left the room and Rebecca shut the door behind her. June gave her a chaste kiss on the lips in greeting.  
  
“What time is it?” Rebecca asked groggily as they walked into the kitchen. Rebecca, gratefully, noticed that the kettle was on.  
  
“It’s just gone six,” replied June. The kettle finished boiling and June started to make them some tea.  
  
Rebecca looked over at the kitchen table where her work had been abandoned. “I lost a whole afternoon,” she said mournfully.  
  
June passed her the tea, “How’s Jill?”  
  
“I think she had a migraine,” replied Rebecca.  
  
“Shit, poor kid,” said June.  
  
“I want to take her to a GP tomorrow,” said Rebecca, “apparently she gets them a lot.”  
  
“Really?” June asked, she perched on the edge of the kitchen bench, “You want me to come?”  
  
Rebecca shook her head, “You’re working tomorrow, I can handle her on my own.”  
  
“Okay, but if you change your mind…” said June.  
  
“Thanks,” said Rebecca, she sipped her tea.  
  
“Why don’t you try to catch up on your work, I’ll sort out dinner,” June offered.  
  
Rebecca looked at her sternly, “You’ve been working all day, you need a break.”  
  
June waved a dismissive hand, “I’m fine, you’ve got a deadline.”  
  
Rebecca hesitated, she did have a deadline, but she felt bad for letting June cook after being at work all day. She sighed, “Thank you.”  
  
  
Jillian slept through the night and didn’t wake up until late afternoon, Rebecca had decided to just let her sleep. Which worked well for Rebecca because it gave her a chance to finally catch up on her work. She was packing away when Jillian walked sleepy eyed into the room.  
  
Rebecca stopped what she was doing, “Good morning Jillian, how do you feel today?”  
  
Jillian rubbed her eyes and yawned, “Good.”  
  
Rebecca thought she didn’t look good, but she didn’t argue. “Let’s get you dressed, we’re going out today,” she announced.  
  
Jillian looked down at her clothes, she was still wearing her outfit from the previous day, “I’m dressed.”  
  
“Let me be more specific,” said Rebecca, “let’s get you dressed in something _clean_. You can’t wear the same clothes for two days in a row.”  
  
“It’s not dirty. I didn’t spill,” Jillian argued.  
  
“It’s _worn_ ,” said Rebecca, “now hurry up or I’ll choose something for you to wear.”  
  
“No!” Jillian cried, “I wanna pick!” She ran to her room.  
  
Jillian was advanced for her age in many ways, but dressing herself on her own was not one of them. Rebecca let her try, but it seemed that with every change of outfit there was always at least one clothing item that had to be turned the right way out or turned around.  
  
“Where are we going?” Jillian asked as Rebecca tied her shoelaces.  
  
“We’re going to see someone about your being sick yesterday,” said Rebecca.  
  
“But, I didn’t even throw up,” Jillian argued, she could feel panic rising up in her throat, “I don’t wanna see a doctor!”  
  
Rebecca looked sternly at her, “You don’t want to be sick for the rest of your life either, we’re going. No arguments.”  
  
Jillian pouted and her eyes began to water, but nevertheless, she walked to the front door and opened it, waiting for Rebecca to join her. Rebecca grabbed her purse and shoved it in her pocket, then she grabbed both their coats, she passed Jillian hers and she put on her own. Still crying Jillian put her coat on and lead the way to the garage with Rebecca close on her heels.  
  
  
Rebecca had to carry Jillian from the car to the medical centre, she refused to move on her own. Rebecca shifted her onto her hip when they got to the reception desk and announced her appointment to the lady behind the desk.  
  
“She doesn’t like doctors?” The receptionist asked.  
  
“Evidently,” replied Rebecca dryly.  
  
“Have you been here before?” The receptionist asked.  
  
“I don’t know if Jillian has,” replied Rebecca, “she’s only been living with me for a month.”  
  
“Are you her legal guardian?”  
  
“I’m her testamentary guardian. The adoption is still in the early stages,” replied Rebecca.  
  
“Okay,” the receptionist passed Rebecca a form, “Fill that out.”  
  
Rebecca shuffled Jillian to her other hip so her dominant hand was free, she quickly filled out the form and slid it back across the desk.  
  
“Thank you,” said the receptionist, “take a seat and the doctor will be with you shortly.”  
  
Rebecca nodded and found a seat in the waiting room. She sat Jillian on her lap. Jillian was still sobbing.  
  
“Why don’t you want to see the doctor?” Rebecca asked Jillian.  
  
“No shots!” Jillian howled loudly.  
  
Rebecca looked around in embarrassment, a few people were staring but they all looked sympathetic. “Jillian, keep your voice down, we’re indoors,” Rebecca told her, “and I can’t promise anything, but I’m fairly certain that no ‘shots’ will be warranted with this visit.”  
  
Jillian rubbed her eyes, “No shots?” She asked quietly and pathetically.  
  
Rebecca nodded.  
  
Jillian smiled a watery smile, “Okay.”  
  
Rebecca smiled back, just a bit, smiling wasn’t exactly in her nature.  
  
“Can I play with the toys?” Jillian pointed to the corner that held the kids’ things.  
  
Rebecca frowned, “I’d rather you didn’t, they could be riddled with germs.”  
  
“But I wanna,” said Jillian firmly, she crossed her arms.  
  
Rebecca sighed, “No Jillian.”  
  
Jillian pouted. Rebecca ignored her. Jillian looked around the room. Then she spotted something that caught her eye.  
  
“Can I sit over there?” She asked, she pointed to a mat where a half dozen other children were seated in front of a tv.  
  
“You may,” replied Rebecca, “but when the doctor calls your name you have to stop, okay?”  
  
“Kay,” said Jillian, she contentedly wandered over to the mat and dropped herself ungracefully into a seated position on the floor.  
  
  
Rebecca checked her watch for what felt like the thousandth time. They’d been waiting for nearly half an hour. She looked back up to see Jillian making her way back to her. She didn’t look great.  
  
“Jillian?” Rebecca asked, “are you okay?”  
  
Jillian climbed up onto Rebecca’s lap to whisper in her ear, “I think I’m gonna throw up.”  
  
Rebecca pulled back and observed her, Jillian did look distinctly green, her eyes were sunken in and she clutched her stomach with her hands. Rebecca looked around frantically for a receptacle, not wanting Jillian to create a mess on the carpet. She spotted a unisex bathroom.  
  
“Quickly,” she said as she stood up and led Jillian to the bathroom. They got there just in time.  
  
Rebecca didn’t know what to do, she held Jillian’s hair out of the way. When she was done Jillian leaned heavily against Rebecca, who was squatted on the tile floor beside her. Jillian sobbed.  
  
“My head hurts, I wanna go hooooome!”  
  
In that moment, everything seemed to click. Jillian was in Rebecca’s arms, looking as pathetic and vulnerable as a person could and Rebecca suddenly felt like she knew what to do. June had been telling her that her parental side would eventually kick in, although, Rebecca wished that it had been in nicer circumstances. Rebecca rubbed Jillian’s back and held her close.  
  
“I know baby, I know,” she muttered.  
  
Someone knocked on the door that Rebecca had neglected to shut. Rebecca looked up as Jillian continued to sob into her shirt.  
  
“Is this Jillian Holtzmann?”  
  
Rebecca nodded.  
  
“I’m Dr. Carter, I’m ready to see Jillian now. Does she need a minute first?” Dr. Carter asked.  
  
“Do you think you’ll be sick again Jillian?” Rebecca whispered to her.  
  
Jillian didn’t look up but she shook her head, no.  
  
“She’s all right,” said Rebecca.  
  
They let the doctor lead them into his office. Rebecca sat down on a chair and Jillian climbed into her lap. Dr. Carter filled a cup of water and passed it to Jillian who accepted it gratefully.  
  
“So,” said Dr. Carter with a friendly smile, “why have you come to see me today?”  
  
“Jillian’s been suffering from migraines,” replied Rebecca.  
  
“I see, does she have one now?”  
  
Rebecca thought the question didn’t warrant answering, considering the way Jillian was curled up on her lap hiding her face and the fact that she’d thrown up not two minutes earlier, still, Rebecca nodded in the affirmative.  
  
“How often does she have them? And when did they start?” Dr. Carter asked.  
  
“I’m not exactly sure,” replied Rebecca, “Jillian has only lived with me for about a month. She had one yesterday, and one today. She told me that she gets them all the time.”  
  
“In the last two days then, has she been doing anything that might exacerbate the symptoms?” Dr. Carter asked.    
  
Rebecca thought for a moment, “She was watching television. I don’t often allow her to watch.”  
  
Dr. Carter nodded, then he spoke to Jillian, “Jillian, can you please look at me for a moment?”  
  
Jillian shook her head.  
  
“Can you get her to look at me?” Dr. Carter asked Rebecca, “I want to check her eyes.”  
  
“Jillian,” Rebecca cooed, “can you look up please?”  
  
Jillian whimpered.  
  
“I’m sorry,” Rebecca apologised, “she’s not usually so difficult.”  
  
Dr. Carter smiled sympathetically.  
  
Jillian slowly started moving, “‘m not difficult,” she slurred. She kept her eyes shut, but she sat up so that her face was visible.  
  
The doctor quickly lifted her eyelids one by one and shone a light in them. As soon as he was done Jillian threw her head back down, slamming, a little painfully, back into Rebecca’s chest.  
  
“Oof,” Rebecca huffed on impact.  
  
“Judging by the way her pupils just reacted, I’d wager that Jillian has some sort of sensitivity to light. I’d recommend getting her in to see an optometrist as soon as possible. They’ll be able to properly diagnose and offer some preventative treatments for her,” said Dr. Carter.  
  
Rebecca nodded.  
  
“Okay,” said Dr. Carter, “is there anything else I can help with today?”  
  
Rebecca shook her head, “That’s it. Thank you.”  
  
Dr. Carter stood and opened the door for them, “I hope you feel better soon Jillian.”  
  
Rebecca carried Jillian back to their car. 

  
  
They couldn’t get in to see the optometrist for another three days, so Rebecca was careful to keep the rooms dimly lit and to keep Jillian away from the television screen.  
  
Jillian was diagnosed with a form of photophobia and was prescribed yellow-lensed glasses to reduce the blue tones, and hopefully reduce the effects of her light sensitivity. Rebecca allowed Jillian to choose her own frames, but firmly told her that she would get the final say on them.  
  
“These ones!” Jillian exclaimed gleefully as she tried on a pair of bright pink star shaped frames.  
  
“I thought you didn’t like pink,” said Rebecca, trying to dissuade her from choosing that particularly hideous pair.  
  
“I don’t, but I like funny shapes,” said Jillian with a smile, nevertheless she removed the glasses and put them back on their display.  
  
Rebecca adjusted the glasses on the display as Jillian had done a poor job of putting them back.  
  
“What about this pair?” Rebecca asked holding out a pair of sensible round silver frames.  
  
Jillian put them on to humour Rebecca, she didn’t like them herself.  
  
“They look good,” offered Rebecca, “they suit your face.”  
  
Jillian took them off, “I don’t want to look good, I want to look cool.”  
  
They spent the better part of an hour going through every pair in the children’s section of the shop until they finally ended up back on the first pair that Rebecca had chosen.    
  
“I like these ones,” Jillian announced as though she had not nixed them earlier.  
  
“Good choice,” said Rebecca with exhaustion shining through in her voice. 

  
  
It took a few days for Jillian’s new glasses to be ready for her. Rebecca picked them up on her way home from work.  
  
When Rebecca came into the apartment that evening she could smell a chicken roasting in the oven. June and Jillian were sitting on the floor working on a jigsaw puzzle. June noticed Rebecca come in, Jillian did not.  
  
“Hey Becs, how was work?” June asked as she put down another piece of the puzzle.  
  
Rebecca sighed, “I look forward to the day I finally get a lab of my own.” She hung up her coat on its designated hook and carried the paper bag containing Jillian’s glasses to the living area where June and Jillian were seated. She sat down on the couch.  
  
“Not great then?” June asked.  
  
Rebecca shook her head, she didn’t like to complain so to change the topic she held out the bag to Jillian.  
  
Jillian finally noticed Rebecca’s presence. “Is that for me?” She asked.  
  
“Yes,” replied Rebecca.  
  
Jillian snatched the bag from her hand and opened it. She pulled out a hard glasses case. “My new glasses?” Jillian asked in excitement.  
  
Rebecca nodded.  
  
Jillian couldn’t open the case on her own, so she passed it to June. June opened it and handed it back. Jillian took the glasses out and immediately put them on.  
  
“Hey, looking good Jill,” commented June.  
  
Jillian smiled broadly. Not only did she look good, but the world suddenly seemed to calm down and she could see comfortably for the first time that she could remember.  
  
“Now Jillian,” said Rebecca firmly, “you need to look after these. Make sure you keep them clean, and when they’re not on your face they’re in that case okay? I don’t want them getting broken.”  
  
“I won’t break them,” said Jillian, “how come you don’t put your glasses in a case?”  
  
“Because I know I’m not going to accidentally break them if I leave them out,” said Rebecca.  
  
“That, and she disintegrated the case in acid and hasn’t gotten a new one yet,” June whispered to Jillian.  
  
Jillian giggled despite not fully comprehending the sentence and Rebecca shot an annoyed look at June.  
  
“Sorry, but that’s what happened,” said June with a shrug.  
  
“Well, don’t let the case get anywhere near any acids,” Rebecca said to Jillian.  
  
“Becs, how about don’t let _Jill_ near any acids,” said June.  
  
“How will she learn if we keep things theoretical?” Rebecca asked seriously.    
  
“Maybe wait ’til she’s old enough to learn Becs. The kid is three. Wait ’til she’s at least old enough to hold a test tube without dropping it,” said June, she stood up and walked into the kitchen to check on their dinner.  
  
Rebecca looked at Jillian who had somehow gotten a hold of a pair of scissors and was trying to cut one of the puzzle pieces to fit.  
  
“I somehow don’t think you’re ever going to adhere to the safety standards of a lab,” Rebecca muttered to Jillian, before taking the scissors from her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Looking after a kid when they have a migraine is not a fun experience, by the way.


	19. Age 14: Purple

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma said: Promised she would never dye her hair that color AGAIN??  
> Which was prompted by the line "That had better be a wig Jillian. You promised me you’d never dye your hair that color again." in ch. 17. which I teasingly put in there in reference to the outtake from the scene with the wig when Holtz says "I'm thinking of going back to this." 
> 
> So long story short, here's a chapter where Holtz dyes her hair purple. 
> 
> Also Rhythm of the Night started playing on the radio when I started writing this, which proved to be a distraction because I had to stop and listen to it.
> 
> September 1998

  
  
Rebecca looked at the clock. Jillian had been in the bathroom for 45 minutes. Normally Rebecca didn’t put restrictions on Jillian’s time in the bathroom, but this was getting ridiculous. Rebecca got up off the couch and headed down the hall. She knocked on the bathroom door.  
  
“Yeah?” Jillian sounded nervous, which instantly set off Rebecca’s Mom-mode.  
  
“Are you all right Jillian? You’ve been in there for almost an hour,” said Rebecca.  
  
“Ahh, yup,” replied Jillian.  
  
“Are you nearly done?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“Uh huh,” replied Jillian.  
  
“Five more minutes Jillian,” said Rebecca, “I need to get in there so I can get ready for bed.”  
  
“Yeah, sure,” said Jillian.  
  
Rebecca wasn’t sure that she was too fond of Jillian’s brief answers. She heard the shower start to run.  
  
  
Jillian took another ten minutes. When she came out her hair was wrapped up in a towel, which was out of character for her as she usually just let it hang wet, usually dampening whatever shirt she was wearing (much to Rebecca’s disapproval).  
  
“Everything okay?” Rebecca asked Jillian as they passed each other in the hall.  
  
Jillian nodded, “I’m going to bed now. Good night.”  
  
“Good night,” said Rebecca in surprise, Jillian usually kicked up a fuss about bed time.  
  
Jillian walked into her bedroom and shut the door behind her, Rebecca continued on her way to brush her teeth.  
  
  
The next morning Jillian emerged from her bedroom with her hair tucked neatly into a backwards baseball cap.  
  
“New look?” Rebecca questioned as she removed her toast from the toaster.  
  
Jillian shrugged, “I thought it looked cool.”  
  
“Are you allowed to wear hats in class?” Rebecca asked.  
  
Another shrug, “I’ll take it off before I go in.”  
  
“All right,” said Rebecca. She felt perturbed by Jillian’s strange behaviour, but decided to say nothing, for now.  
  
  
When Rebecca walked into her office later that morning, she had a few hours to kill before she had any classes and was going to use the time to grade some assessments. She sat down at her desk but before she could even pick up her pen the phone rang.  
  
She answered, “Good morning, this is Dr. Gorin.”  
  
“Good morning Dr. Gorin, this is Vice Principal Chadwick,” came the voice through the phone.  
  
Rebecca sighed, she was becoming very familiar with the vice principal of Jillian’s school, this was not their first conversation and Rebecca assumed it wouldn’t be their last. “What is it this time?”  
  
“Jillian needs to be taken home,” he started.  
  
“What happened?” Rebecca interrupted in concern.  
  
“Nothing major. She’s in violation of our school dress code and will not be allowed to stay on the premises until the situation has been amended,” Mr. Chadwick replied.  
  
Rebecca frowned, “Are you talking about her hat? Can’t she just take it off?”  
  
“No, I’m talking about what is under hat,” said Mr. Chadwick.  
  
“I’m…not sure what the problem is,” admitted Rebecca.  
  
“The colour of Jillian’s hair,” replied Mr. Chadwick.  
  
“I see,” said Rebecca, she didn’t know what the real issue was, but assumed she would find out pretty quickly, “is there no way she can stay until the end of the day? It’s just hair.”  
  
“We can’t make any exceptions, I’m afraid. If we do it for one student, then the other students will take advantage of that lenience,” said Mr. Chadwick.  
  
“I understand, I’m on my way,” said Rebecca.  
  
“Thank you,” they hung up.  
  
  
Rebecca almost didn’t recognise Jillian when she arrived at the administration office at the school. She walked over to her.  
  
“Purple?” Rebecca asked in both shock and amusement.  
  
Jillian shrugged.  
  
“All right,” said Rebecca, “do I need to see the Vice Principal, or can I just sign you out?”  
  
“Just sign me out,” replied Jillian.  
  
Rebecca went to the desk and did just that.  
  
  
In the car Rebecca kept glancing over to look at Jillian’s hair. Now that the shock had worn off, she was just amused.  
  
“Can you stop looking at me?” Jillian asked, a little bit annoyed.  
  
“I’m sorry Jillian,” Rebecca apologised, “but why did you decide to dye your hair?”  
  
“I don’t know,” said Jillian, “I thought it would look better than my real hair.”  
  
“I love your real hair,” said Rebecca.  
  
“I don’t,” said Jillian, “it looks like a mouse lives in it.”  
  
Rebecca smiled at the analogy. “It does not,” she told her.  
  
Jillian didn’t answer.  
  
“Why did you hide it from me?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“Coz I knew you’d tell me off and try to stop me,” said Jillian.  
  
“That’s true,” Rebecca agreed, “did you know you weren’t allowed coloured hair at school?”  
  
Jillian shook her head.  
  
“How long were you going to hide it from me?” Rebecca asked out of interest.  
  
“I dunno,” said Jillian, “as long as I could.” She slouched down in her seat.  
  
Rebecca frowned, “I don’t appreciate that Jillian,” she said.  
  
“I’m sorry.”  
  
“I don’t like that you feel like you have to hide things from me,” Rebecca added.  
  
If Jillian could have slouched down further in her seat she would have.  
  
Rebecca glanced over at Jillian when she didn’t get a reply.  
  
“I need you to talk to me Jillian,” she said, “if you have a problem I can help you. I don’t want you keeping secrets like that from me.”  
  
“How would you have helped? You already said that you wouldn’t have let me dye my hair,” said Jillian.  
  
They had arrived at the university. Rebecca started looking for a place to park.  
  
“I wouldn’t have let you dye your hair _purple_. You know I used to be a hair dresser, I could have helped you come up with a solution,” said Rebecca.  
  
“I like the purple,” said Jillian.  
  
“But your school doesn’t,” said Rebecca as she pulled into a spot, “and I’m not home schooling you until it washes out.”  
  
“It’s not going to wash out,” mumbled Jillian.  
  
Rebecca looked at her sharply, “Tell me you didn’t use a permanent dye?”  
  
Jillian unbuckled her seat belt and got out of the car.  
  
“Jillian!” Rebecca said in exasperation, she quickly got out the car too. “You’re not running away from this conversation! It is temporary isn’t it?”  
  
“Yes, it’s temporary,” said Jillian.  
  
“Good,” said Rebecca with a sigh of relief.  
  
“In that it will eventually grow out,” mumbled Jillian.  
  
If it had have been in character for her, Rebecca would have face palmed, as it was she just glared at Jillian in disbelief.  
  
After a few moments she recovered, “Well then, I suppose we’ll have to stop at the drug store on the way home and get you a natural colour.”  
  
Jillian pouted, “But I like the purple!”  
  
“I don’t care,” said Rebecca, “you shouldn’t have done it without my permission.”  
  
“This is so unfair!” Jillian said, her temper rising.  
  
Rebecca looked at her watch, “If you’re going to pick a fight with me can you please do it in three hours time? My class starts in ten minutes.”  
  
Jillian scowled and crossed her arms but said no more.  
  
They walked in silence to Rebecca’s office.  
  
“Do you have some homework or study you can work on while I’m in the lab?” Rebecca asked as she gathered her things together.  
  
“Can’t I come in and observe the lab?” Jillian asked.  
  
Rebecca shook her head, “That’s a reward that you haven’t earned today.”  
  
Jillian’s scowl quickly returned.  
  
“Do you have school work?” Rebecca repeated, “or do I need to find something for you to do?”  
  
“I have work,” said Jillian with spite in her tone.  
  
She dropped her bag ungraciously on Rebecca desk and then tipped its messy contents out. Rebecca looked unimpressed but said nothing about it.  
  
“I’m going into the lab now. You are not to leave this office,” she said.  
  
Jillian nodded, already sorting through the papers on the desk, looking for her maths workbook.  
  
Rebecca left and shut the door behind her.  
  
  
Jillian was pretty annoyed to say the least. She’d spent a long time getting her hair to look this cool. Barely anybody had even gotten to see and now Rebecca was going to make her dye it back to its normal colour! This was totally unfair.  
  
Jillian sat at her mother’s desk trying to work on some maths problems but her mind kept flicking back to the fact that she hadn’t gotten the chance to show off her totally cool purple hair. Then she came up with a brilliant idea. She was on a campus that was buzzing with people, she should just go out for a walk and let everybody see how cool she looked.  
  
She left her maths behind. Before she left Jillian checked the time, she knew Rebecca’s lab ran for three hours, so as long as she was back before it finished Rebecca would be none the wiser.  
  
Jillian wandered proudly through the campus. She was meandering through the library when she heard someone call her name.  
  
“Jillian?” The woman sounded confused.  
  
Jillian turned around, it was Dr. Sanston, one of Rebecca’s work colleagues and mother to one of Jillian’s only friends.  
  
“Hi Dr. Sanston,” she said in a chipper tone of voice. She returned the book she had been looking at to its place on the shelf and walked over to Dr. Sanston.  
  
“It is you,” said Dr. Sanston, “I like what you’ve done with your hair.”  
  
“Thank you,” said Jillian with genuine appreciation, “My mom’s making me dye it back coz it’s against my school’s stupid dress code.”  
  
“Ah, that sucks,” said Dr. Sanston sounding like she very much thought that it did indeed suck. “Speaking of your mom, does she know you’re here and not at school?”  
  
“She knows I’m not at school,” Jillian half answered, “she drove me here.”  
  
“Is she around? I thought she had a lab on right now,” Dr. Sanston mused.  
  
“She does,” said Jillian.  
  
“She let you walk around campus by yourself?” Dr. Sanston said in surprise.  
  
“Umm…yeah?” Jillian said, not figuring out a way to avoid lying on that answer.  
  
Dr. Sanston could see right through her, she crossed her arms. “Where does Rebecca think you are right now?”  
  
“I mean, physically, I’m here, but spiritually I’m in her office,” said Jillian evasively.  
  
“I think Rebecca is expecting you to be spiritually _and_ physically in her office, don’t you?” Dr. Sanston asked.  
  
Jillian shrugged, “I guess.”  
  
“I’ll walk you back,” said Dr. Sanston with a heavy sigh.  
  
Jillian sighed too. She followed Dr. Sanston back to the science department.  
  
“Are you going to tell on me?” Jillian asked with worry.  
  
Dr. Sanston looked at her, “I have to, it’s the mom-code.”  
  
“What’s the mom-code?” Jillian asked with intrigue.  
  
“Well,” said Dr. Sanston, “in this instance it’s: if your kid broke the rules I’m going to tell you because I’d want you to do the same if it were my kid.”  
  
“Oh,” said Jillian, “can’t you just _not_ tell her. She’s already mad at me, I don’t want to make it worse.”  
  
“Then you probably shouldn’t have taken yourself on that little excursion around the campus,” said Dr. Sanston.  
  
Jillian didn’t have a rebuttal for that. She looked up and realised where they were.  
  
“This is my mom’s lab, I thought we were going back to her office,” said Jillian.  
  
“We are, I thought I’d better just stop in on the way and let her know what’s been going on,” said Dr. Sanston. She knocked on the door.  
  
“Nooo,” complained Jillian, “I didn’t want to be here when you told her. I’ll get to her office myself.”  
  
Jillian tried to walk away but Dr. Sanston put a firm hand on her shoulder. “Stay,” she said.  
  
Rebecca opened the door with an annoyed look on her face, she didn’t like to be interrupted during a lab. Her expression changed to one of surprise when she saw Dr. Sanston and Jillian standing there.  
  
“This is an unexpected visit,” she said dryly.  
  
“Do you want to tell her what happened or am I going to do it?” Dr. Sanston asked Jillian.  
  
Rebecca’s eyes darted towards Jillian. The youth in question was staring pretty intently at her boots. “Jillian?” Rebecca prompted.  
  
Her prompt was met with a shrug. Rebecca looked back to Dr. Sanston.  
  
“I just ran into Jillian in the library,” Dr. Sanston informed her.  
  
“Jillian!” Rebecca said sharply, “I told you you weren’t to leave my office.”  
  
A small explosion blasted behind her, Rebecca turned around to see the cause. “Turn that Bunsen burner off now!” She yelled.  
  
Jillian was fascinated by the commotion and keenly peered around Rebecca to see what was happening. Rebecca had retrieved a fire extinguisher and was marching towards what was now a small desk fire. She put out the fire pretty quickly and was talking rather sternly to the young man who had caused the explosion.  
  
When she was done Rebecca walked back to Jillian and Dr. Sanston who were still standing in the doorway. Behind her the man was packing up his things, it was clear that Rebecca must have kicked him out of the lab.  
  
“Thank you for returning her to me,” Rebecca said as if the interruption had never happened, “Would you mind walking Jillian back to my office?”  
  
“Of course,” said Dr. Sanston with a friendly smile.  
  
“Jillian,” Rebecca said before they could leave, “don’t you even _think_ of trying to leave again. We’re having a conversation about this after my lab.”  
  
Jillian nodded without making eye contact, she allowed Dr. Sanston to escort her away.  
  
  
“Oh good, you’re still here,” said Rebecca when she walked into her office an hour later.  
  
Jillian looked up from her human biology text book, “I can explain,” she said. She’d been planning what to say ever since she’d gotten back to the office, she was pretty sure she had a foolproof argument.  
  
“You can start with an apology,” said Rebecca.  
  
_Oops_ , thought Jillian, _already off to a bad start._  
  
“I’m really sorry,” she said as sincerely as she could. Rebecca nodded for her to go on. “It’s just that I needed a book to help with my homework and I thought that I could probably find it at the library. I figured that I’m grown up enough now that I can walk by myself to the library.”  
  
“I see,” said Rebecca. It was clear that she didn’t buy Jillian’s excuse.  
  
“Well, that’s what happened,” said Jillian.  
  
“What book did you need?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“A…biology one,” said Jillian carefully.  
  
“What question were you having trouble answering,” Rebecca asked.  
  
Jillian hesitated. Maybe this idea wasn’t as foolproof as she thought. She looked at Rebecca, who was watching her with a raised eyebrow.  
  
“Umm…” she fished.  
  
“Why don’t you tell me the real reason you left this office Jillian. I’m going to be mad with whatever reason you give me so you may as well tell the truth,” suggested Rebecca.  
  
“You won’t be mad at the real reason,” Jillian said, desperately trying to think of a scenario where Rebecca would be glad that she’d left.  
  
“I will,” said Rebecca, “because it doesn’t matter what it is. I gave you a direct order not to leave this office and you disobeyed me.”  
  
“I couldn’t stay in here for three whole hours,” said Jillian, “what if I needed to use the bathroom?”  
  
“If that were the case then I would expect you to use the one down the hall, not the one halfway across campus in the library,” said Rebecca.  
  
“I’m just saying,” said Jillian, “you wouldn’t be mad if that was the reason I left. So there is at least one scenario where you wouldn’t be mad.”  
  
Rebecca frowned at her, “How about you stop trying to be a smart alec Jillian, and just tell me the truth so we can be done with this conversation?”  
  
Jillian sighed, and then she got the genius idea to turn on the tears, hoping for a little sympathy, “I just really wanted people to see my hair,” she whined, “and I thought if I walked around for a bit people would get to see it before you made me dye it back.”  
  
Rebecca was unaffected by the tears, but she did believe Jillian this time. “Thank you for telling me the truth,” she said, “now tidy up your things. It’s time to go home and fix this.”  
  
Jillian kept the tears going for effect as she shoved her things back into her backpack. It was to no avail, so after a while she gave up.  
  
  
Rebecca was surprisingly understanding with Jillian when they got to the drug store. Jillian thought for sure that Rebecca was going to pick Jillian a hair dye similar to her natural colour. Instead Rebecca left the decision up to her.  
  
“Really?” Jillian asked after Rebecca told her to choose one, “I thought you were mad at me.”  
  
“I still am,” replied Rebecca, “but I don’t want you to be unhappy. If your natural hair is making you unhappy then I’m giving you the option to pick one that might make you happier,” then she added, “as long as it complies with your school’s dress code.”  
  
After much deliberation Jillian chose a blonde that was a few shades lighter than her natural hair colour.  
  
  
Once home Rebecca lead her straight into the bathroom. She carried in a chair from the kitchen so Jillian could sit down while she dyed her hair.  
  
“Can’t I keep it purple for just a little bit longer?” Jillian asked.  
  
“No,” replied Rebecca, “consider this your punishment for wandering off today. You lose the coloured hair now rather than later.”  
  
Jillian was upset that she couldn’t leave it purple anymore, but she was content with her punishment, usually Rebecca dished out a lot worse than that. So she didn’t argue.  
  
Rebecca pulled some clips out of a drawer and separated Jillian’s hair into four parts.  
  
“I didn’t know we had these clips,” said Jillian, a little irritated.  
  
“What did you use yesterday then?” Rebecca asked. Jillian’s self dye job was impressively done, so Rebecca had (correctly) assumed that Jillian followed all of the instructions and didn’t just pile all the dye in at once.  
  
“Bull dog clips,” replied Jillian.  
  
“Hmm,” Rebecca hummed, “Well, I’ll give you points for ingenuity. That’s certainly a creative solution.”  
  
“Is it bad for my hair to dye it again so soon?” Jillian asked.  
  
“It’s not great,” Rebecca admitted, “especially because I’m going to have to bleach it first, but we don’t really have a choice. You need to get back to school.”  
  
“I don’t _need_ to. I’m easily the smartest one there,” said Jillian.  
  
“You need to get back to school,” Rebecca reiterated, “I’m not home schooling you and you need to keep your attendance up if you plan on graduating and going to college.”  
  
“Fine,” grumbled Jillian.  
  
Rebecca managed to get the job done pretty quickly, she’d had a lot of practise back in her days working at the hair salon.  
  
Once everything was done Rebecca began to blow dry Jillian’s hair. Jillian finally felt herself starting to relax after the day she’d had.  
  
“There, finished,” Rebecca announced.  
  
Jillian blinked, she must have drifted off. She looked in the mirror.  
  
“Wow,” she breathed.  
  
“Are you happy with it?” Rebecca asked.  
  
Jillian nodded with vigour.  
  
“Good,” smiled Rebecca.  
  
“Thank you,” said Jillian, somewhat shyly.  
  
“Of course,” said Rebecca, “I’m just glad to have you looking like yourself again.”  
  
“I like this colour,” Jillian said, still looking in the mirror.  
  
“I’m glad,” said Rebecca, “Can you promise me you’ll never dye your hair purple again?”  
  
“What about when I’m an adult?” Jillian asked.  
  
“Just promise me,” Rebecca told her, “if you still want purple hair when you’re adult I can’t stop you, but for now, humour me please.”  
  
“Fine,” said Jillian, “I promise I will never dye my hair purple again.”  
  
“Thank you. I almost believed you,” said Rebecca.  
  
Jillian grinned at her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those of you have have sent me prompts in the past (and for those who'll send them in the future) I've added a page to my tumblr: https://goosewithanuke.tumblr.com/prompts
> 
> Which has a list of prompts that I've started writing (along with a word count so you can see how close it is to being posted) and a list of prompts that I've received and haven't started writing (but have definitely started planning). 
> 
> The reason I've done this is because I know that when I send a prompt to someone if they take a while to post it then I start to worry that they never received it or that it's been forgotten. This way you can all see that I've received it and if I'm working on it already. 
> 
> If you've sent me a prompt and it's not on the list please let me know because so far I haven’t nixed any prompts, so if it’s not there it’s because I’ve accidentally lost it somewhere!


	20. Age 13: First Fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As requested by puszusz, Jillian and Rebecca's first big fight. 
> 
> October 1997

  
  
Rebecca finished the last sip of her morning coffee. She put the mug down, feeling her need for caffeine sated; she was ready to start the day. She heard Jillian’s alarm clock sounding down the hall. She stood up from her place at the kitchen table and put two slices of bread in the toaster for Jillian. Then she went down the hall and knocked on Jillian’s bedroom door, making sure that she was actually getting up and hadn’t just turned off her alarm and gone back to sleep.  
  
“G-way,” moaned Jillian, most of her words were muffled by the pillow that her face was buried in, “sleeping!”  
  
Rebecca opened the door, “Jillian, you need to get up, it’s a school day.”  
  
Jillian moaned but she sat up and glared at Rebecca, “Fine,” she muttered.  
  
Rebecca shut the door and walked back to the kitchen. Jillian had been in _a mood_ for the last few weeks. Rebecca assumed that it was just normal adolescent mood swings, and figured it would pass. Although, she had had just about as much attitude as she could take, her patience was wearing thin.  
  
Jillian returned to her normal chipper demeanour once she’d finished her toast. Unfortunately her good mood would not last.  
  
  
“Can I go to a party?” Jillian asked that night as she lounged on the living room carpet reading a book.  
  
Rebecca looked up (or rather down, as she was seated above Jillian on the couch) from her book. “When is it?” She asked.  
  
“Next Tuesday night,” replied Jillian.  
  
“On a school night?” Rebecca asked.  
  
Jillian shrugged, “I didn’t pick the date. I just got invited.”  
  
“I don’t know Jillian,” Rebecca trailed off.  
  
“Please, I _never_ get invited to parties. Please let me go,” begged Jillian.  
  
“You’ve been invited to parties before Jillian,” Rebecca pointed out.  
  
“Not many,” grumbled Jillian.  
  
“Whose party is it?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“Tanya’s,” said Jillian.  
  
“I don’t know her,” said Rebecca.  
  
“No, because she invited me, not _you_. You’re not supposed to know everybody I go to school with,” said Jillian.  
  
“Hey,” warned Rebecca, “watch the attitude. No, I don’t know everybody you go to school with, but I know who your friends are. I didn’t think you were friends with a Tanya.”  
  
“She’s in my grade. I’m not really friends with her, but she’s super cool, and I wanna be her friend. So it’s super important that I go to this party,” insisted Jillian.  
  
“Who else is going?” Rebecca asked, “any of your friends?”  
  
Jillian shook her head, “They didn’t get invited.”  
  
Rebecca sighed, “I’m not sure if I’m comfortable with you going to a party without anyone you know, especially not on a school night.”  
  
“Please,” whined Jillian, “I _have_ to go!”  
  
Rebecca shook her head, “No, you don’t _have_ to go to this party Jillian. I’m afraid I’m going to have to say no.”  
  
Jillian looked at her in disbelief, “That’s not fair!” She complained.  
  
Rebecca frowned slightly, “Jillian, this is not an argument. I’ve said no, please accept that answer and move on.”  
  
“No,” said Jillian louder than necessary and with a heavy scowl on her face, “You’re so unfair.”  
  
“Don’t raise your voice at me Jillian,” said Rebecca calmly and firmly.  
  
Jillian tried to even her voice, but she was mad, “I really want to go to the party,” she tried again.  
  
“No Jillian,” repeated Rebecca, “and this attitude isn’t doing you any favours.”  
  
“This sucks!” Jillian shouted, then she directed her anger at Rebecca, “You suck!”  
  
“Hey,” said Rebecca with warning in her voice.  
  
Jillian wasn’t listening, she stood up and threw her book down on the coffee table. It hit an ornamental vase, smashing it and sending water and flowers spraying across the coffee table. Jillian stared at the mess in shock, she hadn’t meant to do that. She knew she should apologise but her anger got the better of her.    
  
“You never let me do anything fun!” Jillian shouted, “I hate you!”  
  
Jillian stormed off into her room and slammed the door as loudly as she could, leaving Rebecca alone in the living room with the dripping coffee table.  
  
Rebecca was shocked to say the least. Jillian hadn’t had a temper tantrum since she was six, and even then Rebecca had thought she was too old to be having such a breakdown. This was unacceptable, and incredibly unlike Jillian. Rebecca stood up and moved Jillian’s book from the coffee table, it was already damaged by the water. Then she stormed into Jillian’s bedroom, she didn’t bother to knock, instead she threw the door open.  
  
“You _do not_ get to talk to me like that!” Rebecca sibilated angrily.  
  
Jillian jumped at the sound. She was curled up on her bed and crying hot angry tears. She immediately jumped into the defence.  
  
“I can talk to you however I want!” Jillian fought back.  
  
_Don’t say it, don’t say it_ , thought Rebecca.  
  
“You’re not even my real mom!” Jillian shouted.  
  
_She said it_ , thought Rebecca. She stood there in the doorway scowling at Jillian.  
  
Jillian shrunk a little under Rebecca’s gaze but she didn’t back down. She wanted to be alone. “Get out of my room,” she growled.  
  
Rebecca didn’t say anything more, she just turned around and left. Jillian sprung from her bed and slammed the door shut again with a scream of frustration. She threw herself back onto her bed and sobbed. She felt terrible. She didn’t even know why the stupid party was so important, but it was in her head now and she had to win. She also felt guilty, she hadn’t meant to yell at Rebecca and she especially hadn’t meant to yell the things that she did, but it had just somehow happened. It felt like she had no control over her own temper.  
  
To say Rebecca was hurt would be an understatement. She knew Jillian was just upset and that she didn’t mean any of the things she’d said, but it still cut deep. Rebecca wiped her eyes once, that was all she needed to remove the tears that had begun to form. She started to clean up the mess Jillian had made.  
  
Jillian cried herself to sleep.  
  
  
The next morning was not a pleasant one. Jillian was clearly still mad and had opted for giving Rebecca the silent treatment.  
  
“Jillian,” Rebecca got her attention from across the breakfast table.  
  
Jillian looked at her with a deep frown embedded in her brow. She didn’t say anything, but made direct and challenging eye contact with Rebecca.  
  
Rebecca continued, “I don’t want you taking this attitude with you to school. Can you please promise me that I won’t be getting any phone calls from the principal’s office today?”  
  
Jillian nodded and then turned her attention back to her cereal. Rebecca didn’t know what to do with Jillian, they’d never fought like this before and she had no idea how to deal with it.  
  
  
Rebecca was less than surprised when Jillian didn’t show up after school. She’d been waiting for her in the carpark for a half hour when she decided that Jillian obviously wasn’t coming. She was a little concerned about where Jillian could be, but mostly angry that she wasn’t where she should be.  
  
The front door was unlocked when Rebecca got back to the apartment, which told her that Jillian had clearly found her own way home. If she were a cartoon character steam would be emitting from her ears right now. She marched down the hall to Jillian’s door. As she walked she shouted, “Jillian! I know you’re home! You better get your butt out here right now!” Rebecca surprised herself, she’d never been this angry at Jillian before, and her reaction, she thought, was very out of character.  
  
Jillian didn’t respond so Rebecca threw the door open. Jillian was sitting cross-legged on her bed with a book in hand. She jumped when the door opened, but other than that, she did not react.  
  
“Jillian!” Rebecca fumed.  
  
Jillian finally looked up at Rebecca. “Oh hey, you’re home,” she said nonchalantly.  
  
“Are you serious?” Rebecca started.  
  
Jillian shrugged, apparently acting like nothing had happened wasn’t going to work. She closed her book and put it down on the bed beside her.  
  
“What the hell were you thinking?” Rebecca asked, “How did you get home? I was waiting for you.”  
  
“I took the bus,” said Jillian, shrinking a little. Rebecca had never sworn at her before.  
  
“Did you?” Rebecca spat out angrily, “I don’t recall giving you permission to take the bus. In case you forgot, _I_ pick you up from school.”  
  
“I didn’t forget,” said Jillian quietly, “I just didn’t want to see you.” She didn’t say it in a mean or angry way, but rather in the way that a small child would speak if they were caught with their hand in the cookie jar (which if Jillian remembered correctly, was exactly the tone she had used when that had happened to her).  
  
Rebecca sighed, it was hard to stay angry at someone who wasn’t fighting back, especially when they were someone she loved as much as she did, “What do you mean?” she asked.  
  
“I was scared,” admitted Jillian, “I don’t know why I yelled at you yesterday, and I was too scared to see you, because I know I can’t take it back.”  
  
Rebecca walked into the room and sat at the end of Jillian’s bed, “Of course you can take it back Jillian. I know that you didn’t mean anything you said last night. All you need to do is apologise.”  
  
“I’m really sorry,” said Jillian she tried to hold eye contact with Rebecca but she couldn’t, she felt too guilty. A tear escaped from her eye.  
  
“I forgive you,” said Rebecca, “but we still need to have a discussion.”  
  
Jillian swiped at her eyes and nodded.  
  
“Firstly, I need to know where you are at all times, okay?” Rebecca said, “I know you’re a little older now and you’re getting to be more independent, but I’m still responsible for you and I’m always going to worry about you. So you can’t just decide to take the bus because you don’t feel like driving home with me.”  
  
“Okay,” said Jillian softly, “I’m sorry.”  
  
“I know you are,” said Rebecca, “but we also need to talk about the things you said to me last night.”  
  
“I didn’t mean any of it,” said Jillian, “I was just mad.”  
  
“I think you meant some things,” said Rebecca.  
  
Jillian shook her head fervently, “I don’t hate you.”  
  
“I know that Jillian, but I think what you said before that had some merit,” said Rebecca.  
  
Jillian thought, but all she could remember saying was _I hate you_ and _you’re not my real mom_. “I don’t remember,” she said.  
  
“You said that I never let you do anything fun,” Rebecca told her, “do you believe that?”  
  
Jillian shrugged, “I don’t know. You let me build stuff in your lab, that’s fun. But you never let me do normal fun stuff, like going to parties and sleepovers.”  
  
“If you remember correctly, I wouldn’t let you go to that sleepover because you had the flu,” Rebecca pointed out.  
  
“Well, you won’t let me go to this party,” said Jillian, she sat up a little straighter, “and I’m in excellent health now.”  
  
Rebecca sighed, “The reason, as I told you last night, that I won’t let you go to this party is because I don’t know the host, or her parents. I don’t want someone that I don’t know looking after you.”  
  
“You don’t really know any of my teachers,” Jillian pointed out.  
  
“True,” agreed Rebecca, “but I know that, in theory, they should be able to look after you responsibly.”    
  
“You gotta assume that someone else’s parents could look after another kid responsibly though,” Jillian pointed out.  
  
“I suppose so,” agreed Rebecca.  
  
“So, can I go?” Jillian asked hopefully.  
  
Rebecca gave her a stern look, “After the way you behaved last night you’ll be lucky if I let you leave this room anytime in the next week.”  
  
Jillian shrunk back guiltily. She wanted to argue further, but her common sense stopped her (this time). Then she remembered something, she leaned over the edge of her bed and reached for her back pack. She unzipped it and pulled out something wrapped in newspaper. She handed it to Rebecca. “I made this in metal work class today. I know it’s not the same, but I wanted to try and —“  
  
Rebecca unwrapped it as Jillian spoke. It was a collage of scrap metals welded together to create a vase, Rebecca interrupted Jillian, “It’s beautiful Jillian. And I think it suits us a little more than the old one.”  
  
“You like it?” smiled Jillian nervously.  
  
“I love it,” Rebecca affirmed. Then she made a decision, “Jillian. I’m not going to lock you in your bedroom like a prisoner. Last night your temper was out of control and emotions were running high. I can see now that you’re sorry, and I forgive you. I don’t want you missing out on normal coming of age things, so I’ll let you go to this party.”  
  
“Really?” Jillian bounced excitedly.  
  
“Yes, but I want to meet this girl, and her parents beforehand, so I’ll be dropping you off. And I _never_ want to see you behave the way you did last night again,” said Rebecca.  
  
“I won’t,” Jillian promised.  
  
“I understand that you’re growing up Jillian,” continued Rebecca, “and you’re not always going to know how to handle the emotions that come with that. But I need you to talk to me next time you feel the way you did last night, not yell at me.”  
  
Jillian nodded.  
  
“Good,” said Rebecca, she stood up, “I’ll give you some space now.” She started towards the door.  
  
Just before she left the room Jillian spoke up, “I didn’t mean what I said…about you not being my real mom.”  
  
Rebecca stopped and looked back, she wasn’t going to bring up that particular topic, given that technically what Jillian had said was true, but clearly it had been festering in Jillian’s mind. She let Jillian continue.  
  
“I know you’re not my _birth_ mother, but you are my real mom. I’m really sorry I said that,” said Jillian.  
  
Rebecca walked back into the room and enveloped Jillian in a hug.  
  
  
Rebecca pressed the button to ring the doorbell of Tanya’s house. It was a small town house, only a few minutes drive from her own apartment. Jillian, who was embarrassed that Rebecca was coming to the door to drop her off, lingered behind at the bottom of the steps leading to the front door.  
  
Tanya opened it, she was clearly surprised to see an adult standing at the door. “Hello?”  
  
Rebecca looked her up and down, deciding that, from her first impression, this kid seemed okay, “Hello,” she responded, “I’m just here to drop Jillian off.” She indicated Jillian, who was beginning to slowly make her way up the steps.  
  
“Oh good, you’re here,” said Tanya to Jillian. She grabbed Jillian by the arm and yanked her inside the house. The door was slammed shut in Rebecca’s face before she got the chance to meet Tanya’s parents. Rebecca stood there for a moment, a little indignant at the rudeness of the girl.  
  
The door swung open again, Jillian was standing there by herself, “She’s gone down the hall,” she said meekly, “do you want me to bring her back?”  
  
Rebecca sighed, “No, it’s fine. You go and have fun, call me if you need anything, okay?”  
  
“Okay,” said Jillian. She shut the door and hurried down the hall after Tanya, fearing that she may be missing out on the party.  
  
Rebecca went home.  
  
  
As it turned out, Jillian was the first guest to arrive. The other boys and girls began to arrive about a half hour later. Jillian used the time to chat with Tanya and fill up on junk food.  
  
Jillian milled around the party, but she tried to stick close to Tanya, since she didn’t really know anyone else. Chelsea, a girl in Jillian’s physics class made her way over to her. She was holding two paper cups.  
  
“Here,” said Chelsea as she passed one of the cups to Jillian. “You looked like you could use some company.”  
  
“Thanks,” Jillian accepted the cup. She took a sip and almost recoiled. Jillian had never tasted alcohol before but she was fairly certain the drink was alcoholic. “What is this?”  
  
“It’s punch,” replied Chelsea, “mixed with Schnapps.”  
  
“Cool,” said Jillian. She pretended to take another sip, but didn’t allow the liquid to pass her lips. She wasn’t completely certain of what Schnapps were, but at this point was pretty sure it was some kind of alcoholic beverage. “I gotta go make a phone call real quick, I just remembered I left the oven on,” she said. She grimaced at her own bad excuse. Then she turned and dashed into the kitchen in search of a phone. She didn’t want to stay here anymore, the party wasn’t what she’d expected and now that she knew there was alcohol involved she really didn’t want to stick around. She put the cup on the kitchen bench.  
  
Luckily she found a phone promptly and wasted no time dialing her home number.  
  
“Hello, Dr. Gorin speaking,” her mom answered.  
  
“Can you come back?” Jillian asked urgently.  
  
“Yes,” Rebecca said, Jillian could hear her picking up her keys. “Are you okay?”  
  
“Yeah,” said Jillian, “just hurry please.”  
  
They hung up. Jillian snuck through the house and out of the front door without being noticed. She waited on the steps, looking down the road for any sign of Rebecca’s car.  
  
While she was waiting the front door swung open, Jillian turned around to see who it was.  
  
“Hey,” it was Tanya, “you’re leaving?”  
  
“Yeah,” said Jillian apologetically.  
  
“Why?” Tanya asked. “I was going to introduce you to Emmett.”  
  
“Who?” Jillian asked.  
  
“My little brother’s friend. He thinks you’re cute,” replied Tanya.  
  
Jillian pursed her lips, “Is that why you invited me here?”  
  
“Yeah,” said Tanya.  
  
“Oh,” said Jillian. Her brain was running at a million miles a minute as she tried to think of a response. It was interrupted by the sound of Rebecca’s car pulling up. “That’s my mom. I gotta go.”  
  
“Can’t you just come back inside for a minute?” Tanya asked.  
  
“My mom doesn’t like to be kept waiting,” said Jillian as she started to back away.  
  
“All right,” said Tanya, she wasn’t really fussed about Jillian leaving the party, she’d only invited her for Emmett. Everyone at school thought she was weird and it was probably for the best that she was leaving.  
  
“See you at school,” said Jillian, then she turned and made a dash for the car.  
  
Rebecca started driving as soon as Jillian had buckled her seat belt.  
  
“Are you okay?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“Yeah,” said Jillian.  
  
“Why did you change your mind?”  
  
Jillian unwound her window, letting the cool night air in.  
  
“Jillian?” Rebecca prompted.  
  
“It wasn’t the kind of party I thought it was gonna be,” said Jillian.  
  
“What kind of party was it then?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“The kind _you_ thought it would be,” replied Jillian.  
  
“I see,” said Rebecca. “I’m sorry it wasn’t what you’d expected.”  
  
Jillian shrugged, “It’s fine.” Then she added (a little bit because she wanted to see what Rebecca’s reaction would be and little bit because she didn’t want to keep a secret), “I drank Schnapps.”  
  
Rebecca turned her head so sharply Jillian thought it might snap off. “You had Schnapps?”  
  
Jillian nodded.  
  
“Jillian!” Rebecca snapped, “Do you realise that that’s alcoholic!” She looked back at the road but kept Jillian in her peripheral vision.  
  
Jillian nodded. She was kind of enjoying stringing Rebecca along like this. Her reaction was somewhat entertaining.  
  
“How much did you have?” Rebecca asked, her voice was full of worry.  
  
Suddenly Jillian wasn’t so entertained anymore. “Not much,” Jillian admitted.  
  
“How much?” Rebecca asked again, she was beginning to calm down.  
  
Jillian chewed her lip, “Not even a sip really.”  
  
Rebecca sighed a heavy sigh of relief, “Jillian, you nearly killed me just then.”  
  
Jillian smiled in way of apology, “I thought it was alcohol so I asked, and then after the girl told me what it was I called you to come and get me.”  
  
Rebecca raised an eyebrow, she looked impressed, “Well Jillian,” she said, “I’m glad that you did the responsible thing and called me. That was very mature of you.”  
  
Jillian beamed, Rebecca to calling her mature was high praise indeed.  
  
“Intentionally stringing me along like that was not,” Rebecca continued. Jillian shrunk down. “I don’t appreciate you trying to get a rise out of me,” Rebecca scolded.  
  
“I wasn’t—“ started Jillian meekly.  
  
Rebecca turned briefly to look at her again, “Don’t argue. Yes, you were. I don’t appreciate this new attitude of yours Jillian, we do not need to be arguing over every little thing.”  
  
“I don’t have an attitude,” Jillian argued.  
  
Rebecca scoffed.  
  
“I don’t!”  
  
“Jillian,” said Rebecca as she turned the steering wheel, directing the car into the garage. “I realise that you feel the need to gain more independence and you’re old enough now that I’m happy to give you a little. However, that can only go so far. You’re still young and you don’t exactly have the best judgement right now.” She stopped the car and turned in her seat to look at Jillian. “If you disagree with me on something then we can discuss it, but that discussion will not turn into an argument, okay?”  
  
Jillian nodded.  
  
“That being said, you did show some good judgement today, and for that I am proud of you,” said Rebecca.  
  
“I did?” Jillian asked.  
  
Rebecca nodded, “When you realised there was alcohol at the party your first reaction was to call me. That was the right decision and I’m very glad that you made it. It makes me feel better about giving you more freedom to do things on your own.”  
  
Jillian smiled, very pleased with herself.  
  
“But for now,” Rebecca said as she unbuckled her seatbelt, “it’s well past your bedtime so upstairs and to bed with you.”  
  
“But if I was still at the party then you wouldn’t be making me go to bed,” Jillian pointed out.  
  
Rebecca crossed her arms, “What did I _just_ say about arguing with me?”  
  
Jillian raised her hands in surrender, “Okay, jeez, I’m going.” She turned around and started walking.  
  
Rebecca locked the car and followed her up the stairs.  
  
“I think we should discuss a later bedtime for me in the future,” said Jillian as she took the steps two at a time.  
  
Rebecca resisted the urge to roll her eyes, “Perhaps that’s a discussion we can have in the morning,” she replied.  
  
Jillian counted that as a win and continued on her way up to their apartment.


	21. Age 14: Appendicitis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lezbianic requested a chapter where Holtz has appendicitis. 
> 
> Hopefully this is somewhat accurate. I have read /sooo/ many mum blogs with recounts of their experiences of appendectomies now. 
> 
> May 1998

Jillian woke up one morning with a severe pain in her stomach. She couldn’t quite pinpoint the exact location but she felt awful. Her alarm clock was going off, she weakly reached over and pressed the button to shut off the annoying beeping. She knew should have gotten up and started getting ready for school. Instead she curled up in a ball and clutched her stomach.  
  
It wasn’t long before Rebecca knocked on her bedroom door and stuck her head into the room. “Jillian, it’s time to get up.”  
  
Jillian moaned, curling deeper into the ball that she had formed.  
  
Rebecca looked at her with concern, “Are you okay?”  
  
Jillian shook her head. Rebecca marched into the room and perched carefully on Jillian’s bed. She felt her forehead, it was a little warmer than expected, but not some much that Rebecca felt she had reason for concern. “What’s wrong Jillian?” Rebecca asked gently.  
  
Jillian buried her head in her pillow and mumbled, “s’nothing, go away.”  
  
Rebecca frowned, “It doesn’t look like nothing Jillian. Tell me please.”  
  
Jillian let out another moan, “It’s just cramps,” she relented.  
  
Rebecca was still concerned, “You shouldn’t be in this much pain,” she said.  
  
Jillian could already feel the pain beginning to fade, “I’m fine.”  
  
“I’ll get you some painkillers,” said Rebecca as she stood up. “If it continues like this, or if it gets worse, will you let me know?”  
  
Jillian nodded weakly. The pain was almost completely gone anyway.  
  
  
Two weeks went by before Jillian felt the pain reappear.  
  
Jillian wasn’t feeling well, she’d almost considered going to the nurse and having them call Rebecca to pick her up early. But instead she’d ended up skipping her last two classes in favour of hiding away in the bathroom, battling nausea and cramping in her stomach. By the time school finished she was feeling okay again, not perfect, but okay. She didn’t bring it up with Rebecca, she didn’t want to get in trouble for skipping class.  
  
Now she was sitting at the table staring at her plate of untouched dinner. Rebecca had already finished her meal and was waiting as patiently as she could for Jillian to eat hers.  
  
“Are you feeling all right?” Rebecca asked.  
  
Jillian looked up from her plate that seemed to be becoming more and more unappetising by the minute. “I’m fine.” She shifted in her chair. She’d been doing that a lot, every time she stayed still for too long the pain came back.  
  
“I noticed that you didn’t eat the lunch I packed for you,” said Rebecca.  
  
“Oh,” said Jillian, feeling caught out, then she came up with an excuse, “that’s because I forgot I already had lunch, so I bought some and ate that.”  
  
Rebecca eyed her suspiciously but didn’t interrogate her further.  
  
Jillian finally stabbed a piece of cauliflower with her fork, trying to appease Rebecca by eating something. The food didn’t even make it to her mouth before she felt a wave of nausea overwhelm her, so much so that it sent her sprinting to the bathroom.  
  
Rebecca quickly followed and entered the room as mucous dribbled from Jillian’s mouth, following the vomit (which Rebecca was thankful she hadn’t been there in time to see). Rebecca fetched a washcloth from the cabinet and dampened it, giving it to Jillian to clean herself up with.  
  
“So, when you said you were feeling okay?” She questioned her.  
  
Jillian shrugged.  
  
“Tell me the truth please Jillian,” Rebecca probed gently.  
  
“My stomach hurts, and I feel sweaty and sick,” said Jillian, finally relenting.  
  
Rebecca squatted beside her and rubbed her back, “There’s been a virus going around, you’ve probably just caught it."

Jillian nodded in agreement.

"Why did you lie to me?" Rebecca asked. "If there's something wrong I need you tell me so I can help you."

Jillian shrugged, "It's embarrassing," she paused. Then she quietly added, "Also I skipped class today because of it and I didn't want you to be mad."

Rebecca did look a little mad, "You should have gone to the nurse and had her to call me to pick you up."

"I know," said Jillian guiltily. "I just didn't want to leave the bathroom. I thought I was gonna barf."

Rebecca rubbed her thigh, "I don't want you sacrificing your health, messes can be cleaned Jillian. Next time just try and get to the nurse, okay? Now, I’ll make you some ginger tea to settle your stomach. Why don’t you get yourself ready for bed and I’ll bring it to you?”  she suggested.  
  
Jillian nodded, that sounded like it would make her feel better.  
  
  
Jillian knocked on Rebecca’s bedroom door early in the morning. Rebecca woke up groggily as Jillian whispered her name into the dark of the bedroom. She squinted at the silhouette of Jillian standing in the doorway.  
  
“What’s wrong?” Rebecca asked.  
  
Jillian sniffed, she was crying. Rebecca’s heart leapt out to her.  
  
“Come here,” she summoned her softly.  
  
Jillian walked slowly into the room and stood at the foot of Rebecca’s bed. Her arms were wrapped around her stomach. Pain was written all over her face.  
  
“Jillian, what’s the matter?” Rebecca asked again, sitting up and crawling to the foot of the bed.  
  
“Hurts,” she winced.  
  
“Your stomach?” Rebecca asked.  
  
Jillian shook her head, “I don’t think so. I think it’s something else?”  
  
“Where?” Rebecca asked with concern.  
  
Jillian indicated her lower right side.  
  
“It’s not menstrual cramps?” Rebecca asked, figuring it probably wasn’t, but wanting to rule it out as an option.  
  
Jillian shook her head.  
  
“Move your hands Jillian, let me see,” said Rebecca.  
  
Reluctantly Jillian did as she was told.  
  
“Forgive me for this,” murmured Rebecca.  
  
Jillian looked confused until Rebecca reached out and pressed down on the area where it hurt. Rebecca removed her hand and Jillian doubled over in pain.  
  
“I’m sorry baby,” said Rebecca, she stood up and held Jillian until the intense pain started to subside.  
  
Rebecca released Jillian and then started to pulled a pair of socks from her drawer before leading Jillian out of her room.  
  
“Go and put on your shoes,” she said.  
  
“Where are we going?” Jillian asked with a wince.  
  
“Emergency room,” replied Rebecca with urgency, “I think it’s your appendix.”  
  
Jillian paled.  
  
  
They’d been sitting in the emergency waiting room for almost an hour. Rebecca had filled out and signed a multitude of forms. Jillian was curled up with her head in Rebecca’s lap. Rebecca was running her fingers through Jillian’s hair in an attempt to soothe her and in an effort to keep herself from unintentionally falling asleep. The sun was beginning to rise. Eventually a nurse called Jillian’s name.  
  
Jillian refused to stand up despite Rebecca’s coaxing. Eventually the nurse came over and lifted Jillian to her feet. Jillian leaned heavily on Rebecca as the walked into the emergency room. The nurse led them to one of the free beds and drew the curtain shut behind them. Rebecca helped Jillian onto the bed, she curled up again.  
  
A young doctor came in, “Jillian Holtzmann?” She asked.  
  
“Yes,” said Rebecca.  
  
“Poor thing,” the doctor cooed at Jillian, then she turned back to Rebecca, “Dr. Robin.” She held out her hand.  
  
Rebecca shook it, despite not really wanting to, “Rebecca,” she introduced herself informally.  
  
Dr. Robin looked at her notes, “Says here suspected issues with appendix, possibly appendicitis?”  
  
“Yes,” confirmed Rebecca.  
  
“Okay, well, let’s go through the symptoms and then see where we go from there,” said Dr. Robin, “Any fever over the last few days?”  
  
Jillian shrugged.  
  
“Yes,” said Rebecca.  
  
“Loss of appetite?”  
  
Jillian nodded.  
  
“Nausea?”  
  
Jillian nodded.  
  
“And vomiting,” Rebecca added. Dr. Robin made a note.  
  
“Any constipation or diarrhoea?”  
  
Jillian blushed but nodded. Rebecca rubbed her back reassuringly.  
  
“Which one sweetie?” Dr. Robin asked.  
  
“The first one,” murmured Jillian quietly, she didn’t really want to be heard.  
  
“How long has it been since your last bowel movement?” Dr. Robin asked.  
  
Jillian wanted to hide her face in the pillow, _Could this be anymore embarrassing_?  
  
“Jillian?” Rebecca prompted when Jillian didn’t answer, she was still rubbing gentle circles on Jillian’s back.  
  
“Four days? Five?” Jillian mumbled.  
  
  
“Thank you. Okay, I’d say your symptoms are lining up pretty well with symptoms of appendicitis,” said Dr. Robin. “Jillian, on a scale of one to ten, where would you rate your pain right now?”  
  
Jillian took a moment before she answered, “7.87 maybe?”  
  
Dr. Robin laughed, “That’s incredibly specific.” Then she stepped towards Jillian. “Can you let me have a look at your stomach please?” She asked.  
  
Jillian shook her head, she didn’t want to move from the ball she had curled into.  
  
“It will only take a second, I promise,” said Dr. Robin.  
  
Jillian whimpered, but nevertheless, she rolled over. The Doctor pressed down in the same place Rebecca had earlier. Jillian screamed and then, without meaning to, she slapped Dr. Robin’s arm in an attempt to get her hand away from her. Rebecca grabbed Jillian’s hand and held onto it.  
  
“I’m so sorry,” said Rebecca.  
  
Dr. Robin smiled and rubbed her arm, “I’m pretty used to it, kids aren’t alway great at controlling themselves when they’re in pain.”  
  
Rebecca nodded, she rubbed Jillian’s hand gently with her thumb.  
  
“I’m going to send Jillian down to radiology to get an ultrasound. At this point I’m fairly certain that it is her appendix, but we’ll need visual proof before we can go ahead with emergency surgery, which I believe is what will be required here,” said Dr. Robin.  
  
Jillian squeezed Rebecca’s hand hard when she heard the word surgery.  
  
“Okay,” said Rebecca seriously, ignoring the pain in her hand that she was now experiencing, thanks to Jillian.    
  
“I’ll just be a moment, I’m going to take a sample of Jillian’s blood to send to the lab,” said Dr. Robin.  
  
“I wanna go home,” Jillian murmured after the Doctor had left.  
  
“I know you do Jillian,” said Rebecca. Jillian’s grip was starting to loosen on Rebecca’s hand as the pain became less intense again.  
  
Dr. Robin came back to get the blood sample. She made Jillian sit up and hold her arm out.  
  
“Okay, you’re going to feel a little pinch when the needle goes in,” she said as she sterilised the inside of Jillian’s arm.  
  
Jillian just breathed in deeply, she did not like needles. The blood was taken and Jillian teared up, once the needle was removed she hid her face in Rebecca’s shirt. Rebecca’s wrapped an arm around her.  
  
“I’m going to go organise the ultrasound and then I’ll send someone over to get you,” said Dr. Robin.  
  
“Thank you,” Rebecca responded. The doctor left.  
  
“I don’t want surgery,” Jillian mumbled.  
  
Rebecca stroked Jillian’s hair, “You’ll be okay,” she tried to reassure her.  
  
“Actually,” said Jillian, “I feel a lot better all of a sudden. Must have just been trapped gas or something.”  
  
Rebecca remained silent, she watched as Jillian struggled to get up. After a few moments she intervened. She gently put her hands on Jillian’s shoulders and guided her back down to a lying position again. “Lie down Jillian,” she said, somewhat sternly, “this isn’t something you can ignore.”  
  
Jillian looked at her with wide eyes, “But I’m scared.”  
  
Rebecca sighed, she was about to speak when a nurse poked his head through the gap in the curtains, “Jillian Holtzmann?” He confirmed.  
  
Jillian whimpered in response. “Yes,” Rebecca replied.  
  
“Excellent,” said the nurse, “Well, they’re ready for you, so it’s time to head on down.” He entered the curtained room and flicked off the brakes on the bed Jillian was lying on. “No need to get up, we’ll wheel you in,” he told her.  
  
Rebecca thought he was far too chipper for this time of morning. She followed him as he wheeled Jillian away.  
  
Once they arrived at the radiology department the sonographer was pretty quick to get to Jillian.  
  
“Okay honey, I’m just going to lift up your shirt so I can get to your tummy,” she explained.  
  
Jillian was unresponsive so the woman looked at Rebecca for consent. Rebecca nodded. Jillian flinched when the cold gel touched her stomach. Rebecca stood by her head, holding her hand. The sonographer started to run the device around Jillian’s lower abdomen, she watched the screen beside her. Then she looked at Rebecca, “I just need to push down the waist band of her pants, is that okay?”  
  
Again, Rebecca nodded.  
  
It didn’t take long before the sonographer found what she was looking for. She wrote notes down on her computer as she went.  
  
“I’m going to fetch the doctor now, there’s some paper towels over there to clean up while I’m gone.” She pointed.  
  
Rebecca helped Jillian wipe the gel, trying her utmost to be gentle and not press down on the area causing her pain.  
  
Dr. Robin came into the room as Rebecca threw the last paper towel into the rubbish bin.  
  
“How are we feeling?” asked Dr. Robin.  
  
Jillian groaned, “I don’t know how you’re feeling, but _I_ feel like crap.”  
  
“Jillian!” Rebecca scolded, surprised, “Language!”  
  
Dr. Robin walked over to the computer and clicked through the images that the sonographer had taken, she read through the notes quickly. “Well, looks like it’s definitely appendicitis,” she said.  
  
Jillian winced and Rebecca nodded seriously.  
  
“I want Jillian to get prepped and ready for surgery immediately, this is pretty severe,” said Dr. Robin.  
  
“No,” moaned Jillian quietly and pathetically. Only Rebecca heard her, she rubbed her shoulder reassuringly.  
  
“I’ll send a nurse in to get you ready Jillian,” Dr. Robin told her, “then I’ll see you again in surgery,” she turned to Rebecca, “Mom, you’ll need to fill out a few more consent forms for the surgery and the anaesthesia, before she goes in.”  
  
Rebecca was a little perturbed that the Doctor seemed to have neglected to remember her name, but simply nodded.  
  
Dr. Robin left and shortly afterward the same nurse from before reappeared. He passed Rebecca some forms and a pen and then wheeled Jillian out of the room. Rebecca hurried after him. They got to another room with seven beds in it, some were occupied and some weren’t. The nurse pushed Jillian’s bed into the empty space and braked it.  
  
Then he fetched a hospital gown from a cabinet.  
  
“She’ll need to be changed into this. Can you help her? Otherwise we can get one of the female nurses to help,” he said.  
  
Rebecca took the gown, “I can do it.”  
  
“Okay, she can keep her underwear on, and I’ll get you a locker key so you can store her pyjamas.”  
  
“Thank you,” said Rebecca.  
  
The nurse drew the curtains around the bed to give them some privacy.  
  
“I don’t want surgery,” Jillian told Rebecca firmly, she was terrified.  
  
Rebecca unfolded the gown and examined it briefly, “You don’t get a choice Jillian, if your appendix is untreated it could rupture and cause peritonitis.”  
  
“What’s that?” Jillian asked curiously.  
  
“It could kill you,” Rebecca replied simply.  
  
“Really?” Jillian asked.  
  
“Yes,” replied Rebecca, “now, can you take off your shirt so we can get you changed before the nurse comes back?”  
  
Jillian started dutifully unbuttoning her pyjama top.  
  
  
The nurse returned shortly after Jillian had been dressed in the hospital gown. He handed Rebecca the promised locker key.  
  
“Are the forms filled in yet?” He asked.  
  
“Almost,” replied Rebecca, she looked to Jillian, “When was the last time you ate?”  
  
“I had an apple just before lunch yesterday,” she answered, then she added, “but it didn’t stay down very long.”  
  
Rebecca nodded, quickly calculated how many hours that was and wrote it down. Then she signed at the bottom of the sheet and handed it to the nurse.  
  
“Awesome,” he said happily, he clipped the papers into the clipboard that had been tucked under his arm.  
  
“Okay, Jillian. I’m going to put an IV in your hand now okay?” said the nurse.  
  
Jillian looked firmly at him, “No.”  
  
“Jillian,” moaned Rebecca, she was becoming exasperated.  
  
Jillian pouted. Then she held out her hand to him and kept her eyes focussed on Rebecca until it was in.  
  
“Well, Dr. Robin, the surgeon and anaesthesiologist are waiting for you in the operating room, are we ready to go?”  
  
Jillian shook her head, no.  
  
The nurse smiled kindly at her, “Don’t worry honey, you won’t feel a thing, and you’ll be asleep the whole time.”  
  
Jillian looked at Rebecca, “Please don’t make me go.”  
  
Rebecca pursed her lips, the emotional side of her wanted to pick Jillian up and take her home, the rational side of her took control, “I’m sorry Jillian, you have to go. I’ll be right here when you wake up, okay?”  
  
Rebecca wiped a stray tear from Jillian’s cheek.  
  
Jillian sighed and then winced in pain, “Okay,” she replied.  
  
The nurse took Jillian away.  
  
Rebecca was terrified too, once Jillian was taken away she finally got a chance to stop pretending to be strong. She felt terrible that Jillian had to go through this. She managed to get in a short and much needed nap before Jillian was returned to her. She was hooked up to a heart monitor, a blood pressure monitor, and a pulse oximeter. She looked so small. Rebecca looked at the sleeping girl’s face. Jillian was growing up quickly, but looking at her like this, asleep and vulnerable, Rebecca could still see the small child in her. Her heart leapt out to her. She was troubled to see her in so much pain and ashamed that she hadn’t stepped in sooner and done something about it when Jillian had brought up the pain earlier.  
  
Rebecca watched Jillian’s even breathing as she slept for a while before she started to show signs of waking up. Jillian’s eyes slowly blinked open, she took in her surroundings, then with panic in her eyes started looking around frantically. Rebecca jumped up out of her chair.  
  
“Jillian!” She called to her, “It’s okay, I’m here.”  
  
Jillian locked eyes with Rebecca, then she teared up, “I didn’t know where I was,” she sobbed.  
  
Rebecca pulled her chair up closer to the bed and sat down again, she retrieved a handkerchief from her purse and gently wiped Jillian’s tears away. Once she was calm again Rebecca spoke, “How are you feeling?”  
  
“Tired,” said Jillian, “and a little dopey.”  
  
“That’s the anaesthesia,” Rebecca told her. “It will wear off soon enough.”  
  
 Jillian fidgeted in the bed, “My stomach hurts.”  
  
“How bad?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“Much better than before,” replied Jillian.  
  
“That’s good, I’m going to go and find a nurse and let them know you’re awake. I’ll be right back,” Rebecca told her.  
  
Jillian looked sad, but she didn’t want to be the kid who begged her mom to stay, so she just nodded.  
  
Rebecca returned with a nurse, a different one than before, who ran some quick tests, asked Jillian a lot of questions and then left.  
  
“Are you hungry Jillian?” Rebecca asked.  
  
Jillian shook her head, “Are you?”  
  
Rebecca smiled softly, “Don’t worry about me Jillian.”  
  
Jillian wanted to worry about Rebecca, she looked tired, but she respected her wishes and didn’t say anything more.  
  
After a few hours Jillian was beginning to grow agitated. She’d taken three naps already and now they were playing their twenty-fourth round of cards (a nurse had brought in a deck for them) and the painkillers were beginning to wear off. Rebecca won the round. Jillian threw her cards down in frustration, half of her hand stayed on the bed, the other half fluttered down to the floor.  
  
“I don’t want to play anymore!” she moaned. “Everything hurts!”  
  
Rebecca was more concerned for her than she was annoyed at her outburst. Luckily a nurse came in at that moment.  
  
She placed an empty cup with a lid on the table beside Jillian’s bed and then untucked her clipboard from under her arm.  
  
“How are you feeling Jillian?” She asked.  
  
Jillian shrugged, not feeling talkative.  
  
“She said, and I quote, _everything hurts_ ,” Rebecca answered for her.  
  
“Okay, well, lucky for you, I’ve come to give you some more medication for the pain,” said the nurse.  
  
“Finally!” Jillian uttered.  
  
“Don’t be rude,” Rebecca admonished.  
  
The nurse smiled, “It’s fine.”  
  
Rebecca still gave Jillian a stern look.  
  
The nurse turned her attention back to Jillian. “Have you been to the bathroom since the surgery?” She asked.  
  
Jillian shrugged again.  
  
“She hasn’t,” said Rebecca.  
  
“I don’t want to stand up. Hurts,” complained Jillian.  
  
“I know honey,” said the nurse. “But, you need to start getting things moving again. And while you're there I need you to provide a urine sample.” She passed Jillian the cup she’d brought in.  
  
Jillian just stared at it in horror, “I’m not doing that,” she said plainly.  
  
“We need to test for any signs of infection,” explained the nurse.  
  
“Okay, counterpoint,” said Jillian, " _eww_ ".  
  
“Don’t be difficult,” Rebecca told her.  
  
Jillian pouted.  
  
“We’ll make a deal,” said the nurse. “You bring me that, filled to this line,” she indicated, “ _or_ you die from an undiagnosed infection.”  
  
Jillian looked at the nurse with a mixture of admiration and disgust on her face. “I like you,” she decided, “you’re kind of morbid.” She took the cup.  
  
Rebecca rolled her eyes and then helped Jillian struggle off the bed and the nurse walked her to and from the bathroom. Jillian didn’t make it easy, each step she took was accompanied with an exaggerated moan.  
  
Once she was returned to her bed the nurse gave her the much anticipated pain medication.  
  
The next few days were hellish for Jillian. Rebecca stayed with her as much as she could, only going home to shower and pick things up for Jillian, but by Monday she had needed to go to work. It was only Tuesday and Jillian was bored out of her mind.  
  
Rebecca had brought Jillian a small mountain of books and games. Jillian had managed to get some of the other children in the ward to play the board games with her, but after a while they cottoned onto the fact that she was leagues above them intellectually and they couldn’t win. After they realised that they stopped playing. So she was on her with a stack of books and board games that she had to play alone. She was itching to create something, to build something, but she’s asked and Rebecca had told her that she wouldn’t be allowed to have any tools inside the hospital. Which sucked.  
  
Jillian was almost pain free, and could pretty much walk around unassisted without doubling over in pain. Shortly after lunchtime, she decided to have a walk around the hospital. She clambered out of the bed and walked out of the room that she was confined in. She wandered through the halls, looking for anything remotely interesting. Her socked feet slid against the hard floors and made walking slightly harder than she’d anticipated. She stuck close to the walls, just in case anyone ran through with some injured person on a bed or whatever, she didn’t want to be run over.  
  
Jillian saw a sign pointing to the cafeteria, she decided to check it out. She walked down the hall, following the signs. As she went around the corner, she must have picked up a little bit too much speed because her feet were suddenly out of control and she slipped forward onto her hands and knees.  
  
“Ouch,” she moaned. The jolt of the fall had pulled slightly at her stitches and she’d landed especially hard on her right knee. She pushed up the leg of her pyjama pants to examine the damage, her knee was already red. She guessed she was probably going to have a pretty cool bruise so she was okay with it. She tried to stand up but the pain from her surgery wound prevented her, she dropped back to the ground. _Now what_? She wondered.  
  
“There you are,” said someone behind her. Jillian turned her head, it was the nurse who’d given her the pain medication on the first day she was there. “You know, you’re not really supposed to wander around through here.”  
  
“I wouldn’t have to if it weren’t so boring here,” Jillian replied.  
  
The nurse ignored her, “Did you sit down or did you fall?”  
  
Jillian shrugged.  
  
“You fell then,” the nurse deduced from her lack of an answer, “can you get up or have you hurt yourself?”  
  
“I can get up,” said Jillian. She tried to stand again but she was unsuccessful.  
  
The nurse sighed, she held Jillian under her arms and hoisted her up to her feet. She supported her weight as they walked back to Jillian’s ward and helped her onto the bed.  
  
“All right, let’s check what damage you’ve done to yourself,” said the nurse.  
  
Jillian watched as the nurse pushed her shirt up and peeled off the bandage. She felt a little queasy when she saw the blood. The nurse tutted.  
  
“I don’t feel good,” said Jillian suddenly.  
  
The nurse looked at her, the colour had left Jillian’s face. “Stop looking at it honey. Lie down,” she instructed. Jillian listened and did as she was told. The nurse quickly put a couple pillows under Jillian’s legs, then disappeared for a moment and reappeared with a cup of juice that she then passed to Jillian. Jillian sipped at the juice (which she was convinced was just water, it was so weak) while trying to take slow breaths.  
  
“Better?” The nurse asked once the colour began to return to Jillian’s face.  
  
Jillian nodded in embarrassment.  
  
The nurse smiled at her, “Okay, why don’t you look away and I’ll see to these stitches.”  
  
“Okay,” murmured Jillian, “is it bad?”  
  
“Not too bad,” replied the nurse, “just a couple have been pulled.”  
  
The nurse left briefly. Jillian continued to look out of the door, not looking at the wound.  
  
Rebecca walked through the door, Jillian perked up when she saw her. Rebecca’s face instantly became shadowed with concern and she picked up the pace to get to Jillian. She glanced at Jillian’s stomach quickly before looking at her, “What happened?”  
  
“I fell,” said Jillian.  
  
“Are you okay?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“They said some of the stitches got pulled,” replied Jillian.  
  
Rebecca examined the wound, “Yes, it looks like it,” she agreed.  
  
“Ah, Mom’s here. Perfect timing,” it was Dr. Robin, “I heard you had a bit of an adventure today.” She sat down on a chair next to Jillian. “Let’s have a look, shall we?”  
  
Jillian winced as the doctor prodded her skin.  
  
“Yep, definitely torn. No worries, we’ll get this fixed up in no time,” said Dr. Robin, with a smile.  
  
Rebecca sat down in a chair near Jillian’s head. Jillian reached out for her hand and Rebecca gave it to her.  
  
“Heard you were feeling a little faint earlier, are you all good now?” Dr. Robin asked as she applied some numbing cream to the area.  
  
“Yeah,” said Jillian.  
  
Rebecca looked at her with worry.  
  
“Was it seeing all of the blood?” Dr. Robin asked.  
  
“Don’t remind me,” moaned Jillian.  
  
“Any other injuries from your fall?” Dr. Robin asked, “I don’t need to fix any broken bones now too, do I?” Her tone was teasing.  
  
“No,” said Jillian, “well, I hurt my knee, but it’s just sore.”  
  
“I’ll check it out anyway,” said Dr. Robin.  
  
“You don’t have to,” said Jillian.  
  
“How did you fall?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“I just slipped going around a corner,” said Jillian.  
  
Dr. Robin tutted, “The only time you should be leaving this bed without an adult is to go to the bathroom. We can’t have patients wandering around, it makes it harder for us to do our jobs.”  
  
“I’m sorry,” said Jillian, “I’m just sooo bored.”  
  
“Finished,” said Dr. Robin. She taped a fresh bandage over her work.  
  
Jillian was surprised, she hadn’t felt a thing.  
  
“I’ll get a nurse to organise a wheelchair for you and then maybe Mom can take you outside for some fresh air,” suggested Dr. Robin.  
  
Rebecca nodded in agreement, “I think that’s a wise idea. I think this has been the longest Jillian’s ever been cooped up for.”  
  
“Consider it done,” said Dr. Robin, “and Jillian, provided you can keep yourself out of harm’s way, you’ll be discharged tomorrow, so just hang in there, okay?”  
  
“Okay,” sighed Jillian.  
  
“Good, now let’s have a look at that knee,” said Dr. Robin.  
  
“It’s fine,” Jillian protested.  
  
“Which one?”  
  
Jillian sighed and pointed at her right knee. Dr. Robin stood up and pushed up Jillian’s pants leg and gently examined her knee.  
  
“You’re right, just a bit of bruising,” she said with a smile, “I’ll go sort out those wheels for you.” She left.  
  
“I can walk on my own. Let’s go,” said Jillian to Rebecca.  
  
Rebecca shook her head, “If they say they don’t want you walking then you have to listen. Jillian, you’re here to get better.”  
  
Jillian pouted.  
  
It didn’t take long for the wheelchair to get to them. A nurse helped Jillian into it.  
  
Rebecca pushed her through the hall towards the lift, following the signs directing them to a courtyard.  
  
“I hope we see someone else in a wheelchair. We could have a race,” said Jillian with enthusiasm.  
  
“No,” Rebecca replied, “absolutely not.”  
  
“What if it’s their suggestion?” Jillian asked.  
  
“Still no.”  
  
Rebecca pushed the chair into the lift. “Can I press the button?” Jillian asked.  
  
“If you can reach it,” agreed Rebecca.  
  
Jillian extended her arm, but to no avail, from her seated position she couldn’t reach the button. Rebecca leaned over her and pressed it instead.  
  
Once outside Jillian began to feel her cabin fever fade away. There were a few other children playing four square in the courtyard. One of them saw Jillian.  
  
“Hey you wanna play?” He asked.  
  
Jillian looked up at Rebecca, “Can I?”  
  
“Don’t get out of the chair, and don’t over exert yourself,” replied Rebecca.  
  
“Thank you!” Jillian wheeled herself over to the other kids. Rebecca sat on a nearby bench and watched.  
  
  
Jillian woke up the next morning with excitement. She was finally going to be discharged. She’d only been there for four days, but in her opinion, that was four days too long.  
  
Jillian was chatting to another teenager on the bed adjacent to hers when Rebecca came to pick her up.  
  
“…and I had to get twelve stitches,” the girl was saying, “So, what are you here for?”  
  
“Oh,” said Jillian casually, “I have a terminal illness.”  
  
The girl paled, “Oh. I’m so sorry.”  
  
“Don’t listen to her,” said Rebecca in annoyance, “she had an appendectomy.”  
  
The girl looked peeved, Jillian grinned broadly at her. Then she turned to Rebecca, “Are you here to free me?”  
  
Rebecca nodded once, “Do you have all of your things together?”  
  
Jillian pointed at a duffle bag beside her bed, “Everything except the dice from Monopoly. I dropped them under the bed and I couldn’t reach.”  
  
Rebecca muttered something incoherent and then she bobbed down to retrieve the dice. She found them and dropped them into Jillian’s bag.  
   
  
“Bye Trisha,” Jillian winked at the other girl as they left the room.  
  
“Were you trying to flirt with her?” Rebecca asked, “I caught that wink.”  
  
“Shut up,” said Jillian, she was blushing.  
  
“Don’t tell me to shut up Jillian,” Rebecca scolded her. “But I can see I’ve embarrassed you, I won’t bring it up again.”  
  
Jillian nodded, she was too embarrassed to say anything else.  
  
“How are you feeling?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“Okay,” replied Jillian.  
  
Rebecca raised an eyebrow, she didn’t believe her.  
  
“A little sore,” Jillian admitted. “But it’s better than it has been.”  
  
“Thank you,” Rebecca thanked her for telling the truth, “ and please be honest whenever I ask you that question over the next few weeks. I need to know so I can help you.”  
  
“I will,” Jillian promised. They approached the hospital doors. “Finally!” Jillian exclaimed, “Freedom! It’s so close I can almost taste it!”  
  
“Don’t be dramatic Jillian,” Rebecca said dryly as they walked outside. “You’ve been in hospital, not in prison.”  
  
“Fair well captivity!” Jillian took no notice of Rebecca’s comment and waved to the hospital building. “I’m a free woman now!”  
  
“Please,” Rebecca said, Jillian could practically hear the eye roll in her tone.  
  
“At last,” said Jillian, still being dramatic, “I can run and frolic again!”  
  
“You will not,” said Rebecca sternly. “You’re still recuperating. I am not bringing you back here because you’ve strained yourself.”  
  
Jillian calmed down, slightly, “They’ll never get me back in there.” She squinted at the building as though she were scrutinising it. “I’ve tasted freedom and they’ll never be able to hold me again.”  
  
Rebecca opted for ignoring her and simply walked away in the direction of the car. Jillian turned around and realised she’d been left behind, she hurried as quickly as she could with her stitches to catch up.


	22. Age 21: Take care of you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Requested by Holtzmann_lover: Could you please do one where Holtz walks in on Dr. Gorin crying. and Dr. Gorin didn't really want her to know bc she doesn't like to open up. and Holtz makes her open up and Holtz gives her good advice.
> 
> It took me a good minute to think of something that could upset Gorin, but eventually I remembered a conversation that I'd had with my own mum when I was 20/21, and I figured that was a good starting point. 
> 
> Trigger warning: Talks of mental health
> 
> November 2005

  
  
Jillian felt her heart clench as she walked into the apartment. Rebecca was leaning on the kitchen counter, her shoulders rose and fell shakily with her breaths. Jillian could hear the faint sound of quiet sobs. Rebecca was facing away from the door and she hadn’t heard Jillian come in. Jillian didn’t know how to react, she didn't think she'd ever seen Rebecca cry before, she felt like she was intruding on a deeply personal moment. What was she supposed to do?  
Before she even had time to think about how she should react her lack of impulse control jumped in.  
  
“Oh no,” said Jillian, interrupting Rebecca’s silent sobs, “Who died?”  
  
Rebecca stiffened. She quickly dabbed her eyes with her handkerchief and then turned around. She looked a mess but somehow managed to maintain her usual composure. If it weren’t for the puffy eyes and wet cheeks (and the fact that Jillian had just caught her crying) Jillian would be none the wiser as to her mother’s current state. Unfortunately there was no ignoring it now.  
  
“I’m so sorry Jillian,” Rebecca said evenly, “I didn’t know you were there.”  
  
Jillian felt uncomfortable, “Is everything okay?”  
  
Rebecca nodded, “Everything is fine.”  
  
They both stood there with neither knowing what to do.  
  
“I’m going to have a shower,” Rebecca said eventually.  
  
“Yeah, cool. I’ve got some work to do for my thesis,” said Jillian awkwardly.  
  
That was the end of the conversation.  
  
For now.  
  
  
Their dinner that night was decidedly awkward. Rebecca carried the conversation as though nothing had happened. Jillian was worried and was merely shuffling her food around on her plate and answering Rebecca’s questions with one word answers.  
  
“How’s your work on your doctorate going?” Rebecca asked, it was about the twentieth time she’d tried to initiate the conversation.  
  
“Fine,” said Jillian shortly.  
  
Rebecca put down her knife and fork and looked sincerely at Jillian, she was sick of her removed behaviour. “Jillian, are you okay? What’s going on with you?”  
  
Jillian looked directly into Rebecca’s eyes, concern was written over her face, “Are we just going to pretend this afternoon didn’t happen?”  
  
Rebecca sighed heavily, “I would like to,” she replied.  
  
Jillian twisted her lip, “I don’t think _I_ can,” she mumbled.  
  
Jillian had never witnessed Rebecca looking uncomfortable before, and yet, here she was practically squirming in her seat.  
  
“I’m fine Jillian,” said Rebecca as she sipped her water. She wasn’t thirsty, she just needed something to do and something else to look at.  
  
Jillian looked away too, she didn’t know what to say. She examined her knife. “Are you sure?” She asked without looking up.  
  
“Yes Jillian,” said Rebecca firmly, “you don’t need to worry.” She picked up her cutlery and began to eat again.  
  
Jillian didn’t know if she believed her, but she started eating too.  
  
  
The next morning Rebecca was awoken by the smell of burning toast. She looked at her alarm clock, it wasn’t even six in the morning yet, why was Jillian up? Rebecca didn’t really feel like dealing with anything just then, and decided that Jillian was a grown up and probably didn’t need to be checked on. She groaned and rolled over, trying to get back to sleep.  
  
She was successful in her efforts to get some more sleep, unfortunately her efforts were thwarted when Jillian turned on the bedroom light at six o’clock, just as Rebecca’s alarm began to blare. Rebecca sat up and turned it off, then looked to Jillian, ready to admonish her for whatever it was that she was doing, expecting it to be something unnecessary. Instead, Jillian surprised her. She stood in the doorway holding a tray. Jillian carried the tray to Rebecca and placed it on her lap.  
  
“Breakfast in bed,” she announced.  
  
The tray held a steaming cup of black coffee, toast (with the burnt bits scraped off) and scrambled eggs (there appeared to be shell remnants, but Rebecca still appreciated the gesture). The tray was garnished with a meticulously crafted napkin rose that Jillian had clearly spent a bit more time on than she had with the food.  
  
“What’s all of this for?” Rebecca asked, not unpleased.  
  
“I didn’t know what was wrong, but I thought I could still try and cheer you up,” said Jillian.  
  
Rebecca wanted to tell her that she was worrying unnecessarily, that everything was fine, that she was fine. Instead she was overwhelmed by the gesture and felt tears prick at her eyes. She tried to stop herself but before she could the tears fell. She began to sob softly but audibly.  
  
“Oh,” said Jillian. “Oh no. That was supposed to make you happy, not sad.”  
  
Rebecca shook her head, “I’m not sad,” she said through her tears. “Jillian this is lovely. Thank you.”  
  
She tried to stop the tears from falling. Jillian looked at a total loss for what to do.  
  
“Jillian, I’m sorry,” said Rebecca. “Could you please give me a minute?”  
  
“Okay…” said Jillian, she hopped off the bed and hurried awkwardly out of the room.  
  
Rebecca composed herself as quickly as she could then she called Jillian back in.  
  
Jillian came back in the room almost immediately, she’d been lingering by the door. Rebecca patted the side of the bed that Jillian had just vacated.  
  
“Thank you Jillian, this breakfast looks wonderful,” said Rebecca. She took a sip of the coffee. “Have you eaten yet?”  
  
Jillian shook her head in the negative. Rebecca pushed the tray in her direction, “We can share, this is far too much food for me to eat by myself.”  
  
Jillian took one of the slices of toast and ate it silently. Rebecca took a bite from the other piece and then put it down. She picked up her coffee and sipped it thoughtfully while watching Jillian.  
  
“Are you happy?” Rebecca asked, breaking the silence.  
  
Jillian swallowed and looked at Rebecca in confusion, “Um, not really. I’m worried about you.”  
  
Rebecca sipped her coffee again, “I don’t mean right at this moment,” she said. “I mean, in general, are you happy.”  
  
“Yeah, I’m generally happy. Why?” Jillian asked.  
  
“I just wanted to make sure,” said Rebecca. She put the coffee back down and took another bite of the toast.  
  
Jillian looked at Rebecca, “Are _you_ happy?”  
  
Rebecca looked surprised, “You don’t have to worry about me Jillian.”  
  
“ _Are_ you happy?” Jillian asked again.  
  
Rebecca sighed and looked at Jillian, “Maybe we should talk about something.”  
  
Jillian was a little bit frightened by the seriousness of her tone, nevertheless, she nodded in agreement.  
  
“Before I start,” Rebecca said with a sigh, “I want you to know that I’m fine. I’m going through a bit of a rough patch right now, but I’m fine, okay?”  
  
“Okay,” said Jillian, though she was unsure.  
  
Rebecca looked into Jillian’s eyes, as though trying to read her mind. It took a while before she actually spoke and when she did, she spoke slowly and clearly, “A long time ago, when I was in my late twenties, a lot of things sort of went wrong all at once and I ended up in the hospital, where I was diagnosed with depression.” Rebecca looked at Jillian to gauge her reaction.  
  
Jillian didn’t know how to react, she chewed her lips awkwardly and nodded for Rebecca to go on.  
  
“I attended therapy fairly regularly until I began my job at Boston University. Then I didn’t really have time for it anymore and I was pretty much able to cope on my own,” Rebecca told her.  
  
“But it’s come back now?” Jillian asked, trying to keep her reaction as subdued as possible, she could see that it was difficult for Rebecca to be telling her this.  
  
“Depression doesn’t go away Jillian,” Rebecca told her. “It’s something that’s always there. Most of the time I’m okay. Just the last few days have been a bit…dark.”  
  
“What can I do to help?” Jillian asked abruptly.  
  
Rebecca smiled at her, “You’re already doing enough. I’ll come out of this, it will eventually pass. It always does.”  
  
“Umm,” said Jillian, “shouldn’t you, like, go see a therapist again or something? If it’s bad.”  
  
Rebecca knew Jillian was right, but she didn’t want to admit it. “I may,” she answered after a while. “If I feel I need to.”  
  
“I think you should anyway,” said Jillian.  
  
“I’ll make my own decisions,” said Rebecca quietly but firmly.  
  
“You’d make me go, if the situation was reversed,” Jillian pointed out.  
  
“I’m your mother,” replied Rebecca, “it’s my job to make sure you’re taken care of.”  
  
“I’m a grown up now,” said Jillian, “and at some point I have to start taking care of you, don’t I?”  
  
“I don’t want to be a burden on you,” said Rebecca.  
  
“Please go,” Jillian pleaded, “just once.”  
  
Rebecca sighed, “If it will put your mind at ease.”  
  
“It will.”  
  
“Okay,” Rebecca agreed, “I’ll see someone.”  
  
“Thank you,” Jillian picked up her toast again.  
  
“Jillian,” Rebecca said, getting her attention again.  
  
Jillian looked at her again as she chewed.  
  
“If the situation ever _is_ reversed, will you please let me know?” Rebecca asked.  
  
Jillian felt like a deer in the headlights, “Of course, but I don’t think it ever will be.”  
  
“Conditions like this run in families,” Rebecca pointed out. “Just put _my_ mind at ease and promise you’ll let me know.”  
  
“I will,” said Jillian.     
  
Rebecca picked up the coffee mug again. “You need to get ready for class,” she told Jillian before she took another sip.  
  
Jillian checked her watch, “Oh yeah. Are you going in to the lab today?”  
  
“I don’t have any classes today, but I’ll probably go in after lunchtime anyway,” replied Rebecca.  
  
“Can I come hang out there after my last class?” Jillian asked.  
  
Rebecca raised an eyebrow, “Are you trying to keep an eye on me?”  
  
Jillian shrugged, “No…I needed a second pair of eyes to look over the blueprints for my doctorate project. You are my mentor, that’s kind of your job.”  
  
“You may join me in the lab,” Rebecca replied.  
  
“Cool beans,” said Jillian. She hopped off the bed and hurried away to get herself ready.  
  
  
Jillian knocked on the door to the lab later that afternoon. Rebecca put down her wrench and let Jillian in. Jillian’s arms were full of disorganised papers.  
  
“What’s this?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“My blueprints,” replied Jillian. She dumped them on an empty work table.  
  
“This is a mess,” said Rebecca, “how you got your first doctorate is beyond me Jillian.”  
  
“Rude,” said Jillian. “And that was because there was a whole let less planning required for that one.”  
  
Rebecca didn’t reply, instead she started going through the mess of blueprints as she tried to find some semblance of order for them. Jillian joined in. They worked through the pile (that Rebecca thought closely resembled a slag heap) and began to create a neat stack.  
  
“How was class?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“Okay,” said Jillian. She paused what she was doing for a moment, and then she asked, “How do you keep your students under control? Mine don’t listen to me.”  
  
“Some of mine didn’t either,” Rebecca said with a pointed look at Jillian.  
  
“At least I _tried_ to,” said Jillian defensively.  
  
“Well, how do you treat them?” Rebecca asked, “I imagine things must be a little different when the students are so close to your own age.”  
  
“I don’t know,” said Jillian, she smoothed out some creases in the blue print that she was holding. “I guess I want them to like me. So, I try to be friendly.”  
  
“They are your students Jillian, not your friends,” Rebecca told her. “Treat them with respect, but remember you’re there to teach them and nothing else.”  
  
“Right,” Jillian nodded. “Except I’m not a hard-ass like you, so that doesn’t come naturally to me.”  
  
“Excuse me?” Rebecca asked.  
  
Jillian realised what she had said, “I mean, you’re super strict and no nonsense, whereas, I am all nonsense.”  
  
“You think I’m a hard-ass?” Rebecca echoed.  
  
Under ordinary circumstances Jillian would have been amused to hear Rebecca say the word ‘ass’, unfortunately, this wasn’t ordinary circumstances.  
  
“No,” said Jillian, backtracking as hard as she could.  
  
“Jillian, I may be stern but I am not unfair,” said Rebecca firmly. “I wouldn’t consider myself to be uncompromising. Is that how you see me?”  
  
“No,” said Jillian a bit more defensively and a bit quieter. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you, I just—“  
  
“I’m not upset,” Rebecca told her. “I’m just trying to understand why you chose that particular adjective to describe me.”  
  
Jillian shuffled some papers. “I just meant, um, comparatively. I mean, compared to me, you make me look soft and I make you look like a hard-ass.”  
  
“Can you please stop saying ass?” Rebecca asked. “And you are not soft. You are strong and independent, you just need to not let your students take advantage of the fact that you are also very kind.”  
  
“Right,” said Jillian awkwardly but she was inwardly beaming at the compliment.  
  
“Let’s get back to work,” said Rebecca. She picked up another blueprint and examined it, “Please tell me this is a draft.”  
  
Jillian looked at it, “It is now,” she said.  
  
“This is full of dangerous errors Jillian,” Rebecca pointed out.  
  
“I can see that _now_ ,” said Jillian. “Consider it scrapped.”  
  
“You concern me sometimes Jillian,” said Rebecca. She scribbled ‘draft’ at the top of the blueprint and put it at the bottom of their stack.  
  
They worked in silence for a while.  
  
Jillian broke the silence, “I didn’t upset you before, did I?”  
  
“I already said that you didn’t,” replied Rebecca without looking up.  
  
“I mean like,” Jillian paused and rubbed her neck awkwardly, “do I upset you sometimes?”  
  
Rebecca frowned in confusion, “I don’t know what you’re trying to ask.”  
  
Jillian looked down in embarrassment, “Have I ever, I don’t know, _triggered_ , your depression?”  
  
Rebecca sighed heavily, “No Jillian. I don’t want you to worry about this.”  
  
“I can’t help it,” said Jillian. She hoisted herself up onto the lab table and sat cross legged.  
  
Rebecca hoisted herself up onto it as well, but she kept her feet off the table. “Jillian, I promise you. You have _never_ been a trigger for me, okay?”  
  
“Even though I’m a disappointment?” Jillian asked.  
  
Rebecca offered her a sympathetic smile, “You are _not_ a disappointment to me. You don't think that, do you?”  
  
“I’d need to grow ten extra hands just to count all of the times you’ve told me that I disappointed you,” Jillian said.  
  
“Jillian,” Rebecca said very seriously. “Listen to me. You are not a disappointment to me. Yes, sometimes your actions are disappointing, but you are not. And you are not a trigger for me, not ever. If anything, you’re the one person who can get me out of it when I’m going through a dark patch. So, don’t you worry, okay?”  
  
“Okay,” Jillian agreed somewhat shyly. She untied and retied her shoelace. “What can I do then?”  
  
“You don’t need to do anything,” Rebecca said.  
  
“But you said I get you out of it. So, what is it that I do that does that?” Jillian asked.  
  
Rebecca slid back off the table and resumed going through Jillian’s work. “You don’t do anything in particular Jillian. You’re just there, and you’re you. That’s all you need to be, and that’s enough for me.”  
  
“Are you sure?” Jillian asked.  
  
Rebecca nodded.  
  
“I read online that there are meds you can take,” started Jillian.  
  
“You’ve been doing research?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“Yes,” said Jillian slowly. “Was that okay? I just wanted to know a bit more. So I can be more useful to you.”  
  
“It’s okay,” Rebecca answered after a moment. “But I’d prefer if you just asked me.”  
  
“Noted,” said Jillian.  
  
Rebecca put the last blueprint on the pile.  
  
“Thanks for helping me,” Jillian said.  
  
“Of course,” replied Rebecca, “Now that they’re in order I can actually look at your research and offer you some advice.”  
  
Rebecca sat down on a chair next to Jillian (who was still seated on the table) and began to read over Jillian’s work. Jillian picked up the project Rebecca had been working on before she came in and examined it.  
  
“I do take medication for it Jillian,” Rebecca said, breaking their comfortable silence.  
  
“Oh,” said Jillian. “Good?”  
  
Rebecca shrugged. Jillian marveled, _Did Dr. Rebecca Gorin just shrug!?_  
  
“Usually,” she replied.  
  
“What are you taking?” Jillian asked. “Is it okay to ask that?”  
  
Rebecca nodded, “SSRIs. Do you know what they are?”  
  
“Yeah,” said Jillian. “I read about them earlier.”  
  
“Of course,” said Rebecca. She looked back at Jillian’s work. Then she picked up a pen and crossed something out, then scribbled a note next to it. Jillian leaned over to see what she had written.  
  
“I thought that bit was okay,” said Jillian.  
  
“Sure,” said Rebecca somewhat sarcastically. “If your aim was to blow up everything within a 30 mile radius, then yes. It’s okay.”  
  
Jillian looked at it again, more closely than before. She saw her mistake. “Oh yeah,” she said. “Oops.”  
  
“I think stronger words would be used if you’d actually gone ahead and built it like that,” said Rebecca dryly.  
  
“I don’t think so, we’d all be dead,” said Jillian.  
  
Rebecca hummed in agreement.  
  
“So,” said Jillian. “If you’re taking meds then how come you were, umm, crying yesterday?”  
  
“Sometimes certain things can cause them to work improperly,” Rebecca said.  
  
“Like what?” Jillian asked.  
  
“A number of things,” said Rebecca vaguely.  
  
“What do you think it was for you?” Jillian pushed.  
  
Rebecca looked up at her, “Stress, age, it could have been anything.”  
  
“What are you stressed about?” Jillian asked.  
  
“That’s just my permanent state,” Rebecca replied, that was her version of a joke.  
  
“Seriously though?” Jillian asked. “I want to help.”  
  
Rebecca put the pen down. “I don’t want you to worry about me,” she said.  
  
Jillian shrugged, “I’m already worried so you might as well tell me.”  
  
“You’re aware of the project that I’m currently working on?” Rebecca asked.  
  
Jillian still had the piece in question in her hands, she held it up.  
  
“Yes, that one,” replied Rebecca.  
  
“Yes, I’m aware of it,” Jillian said.  
  
“Well, it turns out that there’s similar research being done at CERN and the department is considering removing my funding because they’re worried about the legal repercussions if it is assumed that this is plagiarised,” Rebecca told her.  
  
“But, you came up with this. I could vouch for you,” said Jillian.  
  
“It’s not that simple,” said Rebecca. “And you know how long I’ve been working on this, I’ve wasted too much time working on a project that’s never going to see the light of day.”  
  
Jillian frowned, “Well, how long have the CERN people been working on it?”  
  
“Not as long,” Rebecca replied. “But they have more engineers, more funds, and brighter minds than I do. They’ll finish before I can even come up with a name for this.”  
  
“No!” Jillian said with a bit more gusto than she had intended. “Mom, you’re smarter than all of them put together.”  
  
Rebecca smiled, “I appreciate your faith in me Jillian, but that’s just not true.”  
  
“I disagree,” Jillian said. “But anyway, what if you got this going first?”  
  
“It wouldn’t matter, CERN patented it before I could,” said Rebecca.  
  
“Oh,” said Jillian. “So there’s nothing you can do?”  
  
“Nothing that I could come up with, no,” replied Rebecca.  
  
“But, if this could be fixed that would cure your depression?” Jillian asked.  
  
“Jillian, there is no cure. But it would give me a lot less to be stressed about,” said Rebecca. “But this is irrelevant because there is nothing I can do.”  
  
“Right,” said Jillian forlornly. Then she had a thought, “Do you still have all of your notes and planning stuff?”  
  
“Of course I do Jillian,” Rebecca replied in the same way that one might respond when asked if they had a nose on their face.  
  
“Can I look at them?” Jillian asked.  
  
Wordlessly Rebecca got up from her stool and walked to her desk where her perfectly organised documents were. Jillian hopped off the table and followed her. Rebecca retrieved them from her drawer and passed them to Jillian. “Do not let these get lost, damaged, or disorganised,” she said very firmly.  
  
Jillian offered her a salute in response and took the documents.  
  
Rebecca went back to looking at Jillian’s work while Jillian began looking at Rebecca’s. After a while Jillian looked up at Rebecca with wide eyes.  
  
“I know what to do,” she said. Jillian jumped up and practically ran to Rebecca, she tore a page out of her notebook and began scribbling frantically. Her hand could barely keep up with the speed that her brain was going at. “You need to make it more powerful,” she said with enthusiasm. “You gotta make it nuclear.”  
  
“Jillian,” Rebecca said. “I can’t, that doesn’t work with the type of—“  
  
Jillian thrust her scribbled notes towards Rebecca, “Look.” She stabbed the paper with her finger to draw Rebecca’s attention to it.  
  
“I don’t understand why making things nuclear is your go to answer for everything,” Rebecca argued.  
  
“Just look at the math,” Jillian said firmly. Then she began to walk toward the door. “I’ll be back in a second.” She slipped out of the room.  
  
Rebecca looked over what Jillian had written. It was genius, and it was removed enough from the work at CERN that she would be able to continue. Rebecca began to write notes in the margins of Jillian’s math, working through the mess and trying to make it make sense to a regular person who was not used to reading Jillian’s handwriting. Jillian didn’t return for another forty minutes.  
  
“You’re right,” said Rebecca without turning her attention away from the math she was currently doing when she heard Jillian reenter the room. “This could work.”  
  
“It will,” said Jillian confidently. “I just patented it under your name. I mean, it’s still processing and I need your notes, but it’s underway.”  
  
Rebecca looked up at her, “Patented? With what money?”  
  
“Mine,” replied Jillian.  
  
“You don’t have enough in your savings,” Rebecca pointed out.  
  
“The last of my inheritance,” Jillian elaborated.  
  
Rebecca looked at her sternly, “That money was for you, not me.”  
  
“I spent it on me,” said Jillian. “Sort of. I mean, when you’re happy, then I’m happy. And this will make you happy, won’t it?”  
  
Rebecca looked at the half finished prototype, “If it works, it’ll make a lot of people happy.”  
  
“So, you wanna take this to the board and get them to fund the project again?” Jillian asked. “I bet we could even get them to increase the funding.”  
  
“Tomorrow,” Rebecca replied, she looked at her watch. “It’s late. Best not to disturb anyone at this hour, I’ll only hear a chorus of no if I do that.”  
  
Jillian looked at her own watch, “Shit, where did the time go?”  
  
“We’ve been working for a while,” Rebecca said. “Shall we head home?”  
  
Jillian nodded, “Can I pick up pizza on the way? My treat.”  
  
Rebecca looked disgruntled, but nevertheless, she nodded.  
  
Jillian punched her fist in the air as though that was the biggest victory she’d ever had.  
  
  
The pair were lounging on the couch. In the end Rebecca had opted for a salad, but did concede to one slice of vegetarian pizza. Jillian was more than full after eating one and a half pizzas on her own, she was very content. They were both almost dozing off.  
  
“I’m so lucky,” muttered Rebecca almost inaudibly.  
  
“Why?” Jillian mumbled back, barely comprehensible.  
  
“Because I have you,” Rebecca replied, slowly becoming more alert as she spoke. “Ever since you walked in on me yesterday you’ve done nothing but try to make me feel better.”  
  
“I had to,” said Jillian. “You’re so good at making me feel better, you’ve been doing it all my life.”  
  
“I want you to know that I really appreciate it,” said Rebecca.  
  
“I know,” said Jillian, she was barely in a state of consciousness.  
  
“I think we should get up and go to bed before you fall asleep on the couch,” said Rebecca.  
  
Jillian shrugged and moaned, “Nah. I don’t wanna move, just gonna sleep here,” she muttered.  
  
Rebecca didn’t argue or ask her to do otherwise, she was too comfortable to move as well. They were both content, they drifted off to sleep.


	23. Age 8: Cat Sitting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jillian looks after their neighbour's cat. 
> 
> May 1992

There was a knock at Rebecca’s study door.  
  
“Come in Jillian,” she said without looking up, she was in the middle of fixing a delicate piece of equipment that one of her students had broken.  
  
She heard the door swinging open, followed by footsteps as Jillian walked into the room.  
  
“I’m bored,” Jillian announced.  
  
“Only boring people get bored Jillian,” said Rebecca, still concentrating.  
  
“I’m not boring,” Jillian argued. “But there’s nothing to do here.”  
  
“Is your room clean?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“Sort of,” said Jillian.  
  
Rebecca accidentally caught her finger on a sharp piece of metal that had snapped off. “Ouch!” she yelped.  
  
“You okay?” Jillian asked. She peered over, Rebecca’s finger was bleeding, not heavily, but enough that Jillian thought she might at least require a bandaid. Rebecca seemed to be ignoring it.  
  
“I’d be better if there weren’t someone distracting me,” Rebecca replied crossly.  
  
“But I’m bored,” moaned Jillian.  
  
Someone knocked on their front door.  
  
“Why don’t you see who that is,” suggested Rebecca.  
  
Jillian looked excited, “I can answer the door? You never let me answer the door.”  
  
“Well, I’m a little too tied up to do it right now,” Rebecca replied. “Just check who it is before you open the door and shout back their name so I know you’re not being abducted please.”  
  
“I don’t think it’s an alien,” Jillian giggled.  
  
Rebecca rolled her eyes but Jillian had already skipped off before she could tell her that was not what she’d meant.  
  
  
Jillian threw open the door without asking who was there. Luckily it was Mrs. Adams, their upstairs neighbour.  
  
“Good morning Jillian,” the old lady smiled at her.  
  
“Morning,” said Jillian happily.  
  
“You’re just the person I wanted to see,” Mrs. Adams said.  
  
“Really?” Jillian asked in excitement.  
  
“Yes, I wondered if I could employ your services as a cat sitter?” Mrs. Adams asked.  
  
Jillian thought for a moment, “Does that mean you’d pay me?” She asked.  
  
Mrs. Adams nodded, “I’ll be out of town visiting my son for a week, so I’d need you to go upstairs and feed and water Smithers and change his litter.”  
  
“Okay,” Jillian agreed eagerly.  
  
A clatter sounded from Rebecca’s study.  
  
“What’s your mom up to?” Mrs. Adams asked, momentarily distracted.  
  
Jillian shrugged, “Dunno. She just cut her hand a moment ago. There was blood _everywhere_ ,” she exaggerated.  
  
“Oh dear,” said Mrs. Adams, “should I call an ambulance?”  
  
That idea sounded pretty cool to Jillian. She was just about to say yes when Rebecca walked out of the study. She wiped grease off her hands on a rag as she walked toward them.  
  
“Good morning Mrs. Adams,” Rebecca greeted.  
  
“Morning Rebecca dear,” said the old lady.  
  
Rebecca reached them and looked pointedly at Jillian. “You were supposed to tell me who was at the door,” she said sternly. She shoved the rag into the pocket of her lab coat.  
  
“I forgot,” said Jillian in a small voice. “But it’s okay, it’s only Mrs. Adams.”  
  
“Yes, but I didn’t know that,” Rebecca said.  
  
“I’m sorry,” said Jillian.  
  
Rebecca hummed and then turned her attention to Mrs. Adams. Mrs. Adams seemed to be inspecting her, Rebecca suddenly felt self-conscious under the gaze.  
  
“Jillian told me you’d had a major injury just now,” Mrs. Adams explained.  
  
Rebecca looked confused.  
  
“You cut your hand,” said Jillian.  
  
Rebecca looked at the hand in question, “Just a scratch,” she assured them.  
  
“Well,” said Mrs. Adams. “Thank goodness for that.”  
  
“Mmmhmm,” sounded Rebecca. “So, to what do we owe this visit?”  
  
“Mrs. Adams gave me a job!” Jillian exclaimed.  
  
Rebecca looked to Mrs. Adams for confirmation.  
  
“I’ve asked Jillian if she wouldn’t mind looking after my cat for a week,” said Mrs. Adams.  
  
“Oh, I see,” Rebecca said. “Well, I’m happy to let her do that. When would you need her?”  
  
“Next week, starting Saturday,” replied Mrs. Adams.  
  
Rebecca looked at Jillian, “Jillian, do you think you can handle that responsibility?”  
  
Jillian nodded enthusiastically.  
  
“Of course, I’ll pay her as well,” said Mrs. Adams.  
  
“That isn’t necessary,” Rebecca began to say before Jillian cut her off with an indignant, “Mom!”  
  
Rebecca looked at her sharply.  
  
“You said if I could find a way to make money then you’d let me do it,” Jillian pointed out.  
  
“Ten dollars for the week,” said Mrs. Adams. “I insist.”  
  
Rebecca conceded with a nod, “Thank you,” she said on behalf of Jillian, and then looked at the girl to do the same.  
  
“Thanks,” said Jillian after a nudging prompt from Rebecca.  
  
“Of course,” said Mrs. Adams. “I’ll write out some instructions for you and I’ll bring you my spare key sometime this week.”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
Something made a small poof in Rebecca’s study. She turned around quickly. “Excuse me,” she said as she hurried into the lab.  
  
“Your mom’s a bit of a mad scientist, isn’t she?” Mrs. Adams said jokingly after Rebecca had disappeared.  
  
“She’s only mad when I do something wrong,” said Jillian with a shrug.  
  
Mrs. Adams smiled at her, “Well, I’d better let you go. I’ll come and visit again later.”  
  
“Okay,” said Jillian. She shut the door. Then she remembered what the polite thing to do was. She quickly opened the door again, Mrs. Adams was already walking toward the stairwell. “Goodbye!” Jillian called to her.  
  
Mrs. Adams turned around and offered a wave, “Goodbye Jillian, dear.”  
  
Jillian shut the door again.  
  
  
Jillian felt so grown up. Mrs. Adams had asked if she would come upstairs so she could be shown where everything was that she needed to look after Smithers. Rebecca had allowed Jillian to go upstairs all by herself. Jillian felt like a grown up going to visit her grown up friends in a neighbouring apartment. She approached Mrs. Adams’ apartment and tentatively knocked three times on the door.  No one answered the door immediately and Jillian wondered if her knock had been loud enough. She could hear movement inside the apartment and figured that Mrs. Adams was just old and slow. She decided to wait another minute before knocking again. The minute was nearly up when Mrs. Adams finally answered the door.  
  
“Ah, Jillian,” she said, pleased to see the girl. “Come in.”  
  
She stepped aside to allow Jillian into the apartment. Jillian entered. She looked about with a keen curiosity, she’d never been in the upstairs apartment before. It looked exactly the way one might imagine a single older woman would have her dwelling. Everything that was soft, like the pillows and blankets, appeared to be handmade, all meticulously quilted or crocheted. The furnishings were covered in plastic and everything else appeared to be a precious relic or antique. In one word, the apartment was cluttered.  
  
Jillian remembered Rebecca’s warning about being polite, “You have a very nice place,” she told the elderly woman.  
  
“Thank you for saying so dear,” replied Mrs. Addams.  
  
“Where is your cat?” Jillian asked as she looked around the room for him.  
  
“Smithers? I expect he’s hiding somewhere,” Mrs. Adams replied.  
 “He’s not too keen on strangers. I doubt you’ll see him at all this week.”  
  
Jillian was disappointed, she had been looking forward to seeing a cat.  
  
Mrs. Adams gave Jillian a quick tour of the apartment, it was very similar to Rebecca’s but about half the size. They went into the kitchen.  
  
“You’ll need to feed him twice a day,” instructed Mrs. Adams. “He has one tin of wet food for breakfast and two for dinner. Make sure his dry food bowl is always full and his water as well. He also likes to have his special cat milk with his dinner. I’ll have everything out on the counter so’s that you can find it. Except for the milk of course, I’ll leave that in the fridge. All understood?”  
  
Jillian nodded, “Understood,” she repeated.  
  
Mrs. Adams beamed at her.  
  
Jillian had never met Smithers before but she expected him to be a very fat cat.  
  
“His litter is in the bathroom, I’ll leave the fresh bag of litter out by the tray, just put what you discard in the bathroom bin and I’ll deal with it when I get home,” said Mrs. Adams.  
  
Jillian nodded.  
  
Mrs. Adams handed Jillian a key, “That’s my spare,” she told her. “But do take care not to lose it.”  
  
“I won’t,” said Jillian.  
  
Mrs. Adams clasped her hands together, “Well, I suppose that’s everything you need to know. I’ll write down my son’s number so you can call me if you run into any problems.”  
  
“Okay,” Jillian agreed. She couldn’t see herself running into any problems, it was all pretty straight forward. This was going to be an easy ten dollars.  
  
  
Rebecca woke Jillian up early on Saturday morning, well, it was after ten, but for a Saturday morning that was pretty early.  
  
“What?” Jillian groaned.  
  
“You need to get up,” said Rebecca. “You have responsibilities.”  
  
Jillian moaned, “But it’s Saturday!”  
  
“Responsibility doesn’t take the weekend off. Get up,” said Rebecca.  
  
Jillian climbed out of bed, very reluctantly. She couldn’t be bothered getting dressed so she just pulled on some socks to walk up Mrs. Adams’ apartment. Jillian unlocked the door and walked in. The apartment was dark and empty, it made it seem very eery. Jillian was a little scared. She turned on the light and that made it a little better. She decided to leave the door open just in case any ghosts jumped out at her and she needed to make a hasty escape.  
  
Jillian walked to the kitchen counter and filled all of the bowls with the appropriate food. She put them down on the cat’s special placemat. She thought it would be funny if Smithers had a special dinner bell that she could ring that would send him running to his food.  
  
“Smithers!” She called into the empty apartment, “I’ve fed you!”  
  
Unsurprisingly there was no reply. Jillian decided to have a little snoop around the apartment. She told herself that she was looking for a little bell to ring, just to try it in case Smithers did respond to it. Really, she was just being nosy.  
  
Instead of a bell she found a gong. She picked up the stick beside it and swung it. The sound reverberated through the apartment. Several of the more delicate antiques quivered in fear of shattering from the broken sound barrier. Another sound came from behind the tv cabinet. Jillian had heard the word caterwaul before, but she never quite understood what it meant until that moment. She saw a streak of black scatter past her.  
  
_Oh_ , she thought, _Smithers is a black cat_. She continued to snoop around the apartment for a moment, thinking about how round the cat was until she realised: Smithers had run right out the front door!  
  
Jillian sprinted out the door and into the hallway. Both the door to the lift and the stairwell were closed but the cat was nowhere in sight.  
  
_Oh no, oh no, oh no._  
  
The window in the hallway was open. Could he have gotten out there? Jillian hurried over to the window and looked out. If he’d gotten out would he have fallen? There were no splattered cat guts anywhere so Jillian assumed he hadn’t fallen out the window but she wondered if maybe he’d gotten in the tree that was just a short jump away from the window. Either way, Jillian couldn’t believe she’d only been cat sitting for five minutes and she’d already lost the cat!  
  
Jillian didn’t know what to do. She supposed that she needed to ask Rebecca to help her find the cat, but she was too scared to do so. But what else was there to do?  
  
Jillian walked back down to their apartment. She looked around but couldn’t find Rebecca anywhere. Great, first she lost the cat, now she’d lost her mother. She took her coat from its hook and put it on over her pyjamas, she trekked downstairs to the ground floor. She’d have to look for the cat herself.  
  
Jillian walked outside of the building and onto the footpath. She decided she should find the the tree that the cat might have climbed down and see if he was around there. She had barely taken one step when she heard her name being called.  
  
Rebecca was storming towards her. Her coat billowed in the breeze making her seem quite imposing. Jillian froze.  
  
“What are you doing outside?” Rebecca said very crossly. She looked Jillian up and down, taking in the fact that she was still in her pyjamas and that she only had socks on her feet.  
  
“Umm,” stuttered Jillian. “I couldn’t find you.”  
  
“I went to get the newspaper,” Rebecca said.  
  
“Oh.”  
  
Rebecca used the paper to shoo Jillian back inside the building. “You need to get dressed, you must be freezing.”  
  
She _was_ freezing. Jillian was too scared to tell Rebecca about Smithers, so she let her usher her upstairs and she got dressed as instructed.  
  
Once she was dressed Jillian mustered up the courage to tell Rebecca what had happened and ask for her help. She walked out of her room and into the kitchen where Rebecca was reading the newspaper and drinking her morning coffee.  
  
“Mom?” Jillian said timidly, she approached the other end of the table, so she could keep some distance between them, just in case Rebecca got mad.  
  
Rebecca looked up, immediately concerned by the tone Jillian had used.  
  
Jillian drummed her fingers on the table, all of the courage that she’d mustered up was beginning to seep out of her before she even got the chance to use it.  
  
“Yes Jillian?” Rebecca asked in way of prompting her to say what she had to say.  
  
“Can you help me please?” Jillian asked shyly.  
  
Rebecca raised an eyebrow, “With what?”  
  
“Ummm,” Jillian hesitated. “Smithers.”  
  
“Who?”  
  
“The cat.”  
  
“Oh,” said Rebecca. “I can, but you were supposed to take on this responsibility by yourself.”  
  
“I tried,” said Jillian.  
  
“And?”  
  
“And I lost him.”  
  
“You lost Mrs. Adams’ cat?” Rebecca asked, her voice was devoid of any real infliction so Jillian wasn’t able to gauge whether or not she was about to be in trouble.  
  
“Yeah,” squeaked Jillian.  
  
Rebecca was already standing up, she beckoned for Jillian to follow her. “How?” They walked out into the hallway of the building.  
  
“He ran out the door,” said Jillian.  
  
Rebecca opened the door to the stairwell and held it so Jillian could walk through as well. “You left the door open when you knew there was an animal in the apartment?” She sounded less than impressed.  
  
“I was scared,” said Jillian defensively.  
  
“Of what?”  
  
“Ghosts.”  
  
Rebecca looked at her in astonishment, “Jillian. There’s no such thing as ghosts.”  
  
“I disagree,” said Jillian, sounding very sure of herself.  
  
They’d reached Mrs. Adams’ apartment. The door was wide open, as Jillian had left it. “You’re absolutely sure the cat left the apartment?”  
  
Jillian nodded.  
  
“I’m going to help you look for him, he may have come back in since you left the door open,” said Rebecca.  
  
“I think he went outside,” Jillian pointed to the window.  
  
“If he’s outside then he could be anywhere,” said Rebecca. “Let’s rule out this option first.” They entered Mrs. Adams’ apartment.  
  
Rebecca started looking behind furniture immediately but Jillian lingered in the doorway.  
  
“What if he’s outside and he gets catnapped or run over?” Jillian asked. “How will I tell Mrs. Adams that I’ve killed her cat?”  
  
Rebecca, who was crouched down by the tv cabinet, sighed and stood up. “Jillian. It is not useful to anybody if you’re worrying right now. You need to focus on solving this problem, and if it happens that we don’t find this cat then we can move on to what to do next okay?”  
  
“Yeah, but I-“  
  
Rebecca interrupted her, “We’ll find the cat Jillian.”  
  
Jillian looked uncertain, but she started to help Rebecca look. They didn’t find Smithers inside the apartment.  
  
“We should have looked outside first,” said Jillian, sounding distressed. “He could be anywhere now.”  
  
“I’m sure he hasn’t gotten too far,” said Rebecca as reassuringly as she could. “Let’s just go outside and look for him.”  
  
They walked downstairs, well, Rebecca walked, Jillian sprinted despite Rebecca’s efforts to get her to slow down.  
  
Once they were outside Rebecca turned to Jillian, “You look around the building, okay. I’ll look across the street. Do not, under any circumstances, cross the street.”  
  
“What if I see Smithers and he’s across the street?” Jillian asked.  
  
“You may, _if_ you see the cat, but don’t just run across the street, make sure you look,” said Rebecca. “And then shout out to me so I know where you are.”  
  
“Okay,” said Jillian. 

* * *

  
“Mom!” Jillian shouted from behind the apartment building about twenty minutes later.  
  
Rebecca was about a block away down the road, but she still heard Jillian. She didn’t shout back but she began to walk toward her.  
  
“Did you find it?” Rebecca asked once she was within speaking distance.  
  
“ _Him_ ,” Jillian corrected. “Yes, look!” She pointed upward.  
  
Rebecca looked where Jillian was pointing, sure enough, there was a black cat clinging to a tree branch.  
  
“You’re sure that’s the right cat?” Rebecca asked.  
  
Jillian shrugged, “I think so.”  
  
Rebecca nodded.  
  
“How do we get him down? Should we call the fire department?” Jillian suggested.    
  
Rebecca looked at her in amusement.  
  
“Hey, no idea’s a bad idea,” said Jillian.  
  
“No, we don’t need to call the fire department,” Rebecca said in answer to Jillian’s question. “But I’m not sure how we’ll get him down. Do you think anybody in our building owns a ladder?”  
  
Jillian shook her head.  
  
“No, I didn’t think so either,” said Rebecca.  
  
Jillian’s eyes suddenly lit up. “I have an idea!” she declared.  
  
Jillian hurried back into the apartment building. Rebecca was left standing outside wondering what Jillian was up to, and if she should be worried. It took Jillian a few minutes to return. Rebecca was leaning against the tree, but she stood up when she saw Jillian. There was a small can of something in Jillian’s hand.  
  
“What do you have?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“Tuna!” Jillian announced as she thrust the open can forward so Rebecca could see it.  
  
“Jillian!” Rebecca sounded exasperated. “I bought that so _we_ could eat it, not some animal.”  
  
“He’s not some animal. He’s Smithers,” said Jillian. She held up the can so the cat could see.  
  
“I’m sure there was some actual cat food you could have offered him from Mrs. Adams’ apartment,” muttered Rebecca.  
  
Jillian wasn’t listening. She held up the tuna so Smithers could see it.  
  
Smithers looked at them and saw the tuna. He let out a soft meow but didn’t move.  
  
“Maybe he’s too scared to climb down,” said Jillian. She was slightly sad that her idea hadn’t worked, she set the can down on the grass.  
  
Rebecca hummed in agreement. Then she looked at Jillian. “You’ve climbed this tree before…”  
  
“Yeah, but you yelled at me for it,” said Jillian.  
  
“That’s because it was the middle of winter and the tree was covered in ice,” said Rebecca.  
  
Jillian looked up at the tree. “I guess I could climb it,” she said.  
  
“Don’t do it if you’re not comfortable,” said Rebecca.  
  
“It’s fine,” said Jillian. “I’ve been wanting to for ages anyway.”  
  
She reached a low hanging branch and hoisted herself up onto it.  
  
“Be careful,” said Rebecca anxiously.  
  
“I’m alway careful,” said Jillian as she ascended higher into the tree.  
  
“That’s just not true,” Rebecca muttered under her breath.  
  
Jillian worked her way up the tree until she’d almost reached the cat. She was almost two stories high. She looked down at Rebecca.  
  
“Are you all right?” Rebecca called up when she saw Jillian looking at her.  
  
“Yep,” Jillian called back. She was actually beginning to worry. What if the cat tried to run away from her again, what if he fell out of the tree, what if _she_ fell out? Jillian took in a brave breath and climbed the final branch. She’d reached Smithers.  
  
Smithers seemed grateful to see her. Apparently there were no hard feelings from the earlier gong incident.  
  
“Hi Smithers,” said Jillian timidly. “I’m going to take you back to your home, okay?”  
  
Smithers meowed. Jillian took that as consent. She scooted across the branch until she was next to him.  
  
“I’m going to pick you up okay?”  
  
Another meow.  
  
Jillian picked up the cat. It took two tries because he was clinging so tightly to the tree. Jillian didn’t know what to do with him then so she tucked him into her sweatshirt, he didn’t seem to mind. Jillian thought his fur was nice and soft against her stomach.  
  
Jillian started to climb down. It was a little harder with the cat, especially when he dug his claws into her stomach when she accidentally knocked him against a branch. She was about halfway down the tree when she just froze. She didn’t understand. She’d been doing fine but now suddenly her heart was beating too fast and she was too scared to move. She clung to the tree with all of her might.  
  
Jillian wondered if she should tell Rebecca that she couldn’t keep going. It was a little embarrassing, she was trying so hard to be brave. The cat meowed again, Jillian thought he sounded a little annoyed that she’d stopped moving.  
  
“I’m sorry,” she whispered to him. “I can’t keep going.” Her voice caught and she could hear the panic in it.  
  
Rebecca noticed that Jillian hadn’t moved in a while. “How are you doing?” She called up.  
  
Jillian didn’t reply, she couldn’t.  
  
“Jillian?” Rebecca called.  
  
“Umm,” Jillian said slowly, trying to get enough air in her lungs to actually speak. She couldn’t remember ever being so terrified and she still didn’t understand why it had suddenly hit her like this. “I can’t move.”  
  
“Are you stuck?” Rebecca asked, she was already looking around the tree to see if there was an easy way for her to climb up if that’s where the situation was headed.  
  
“Not exactly,” Jillian’s voice quavered, Rebecca could tell that she was close to tears.  
  
“Do you need me to come up?” Rebecca asked, praying that the answer would be no.  
  
“Can you?” Jillian asked weakly.  
  
Rebecca sighed. She used the same branch that Jillian had used to hoist herself up into the tree, grateful that she was wearing sturdy boots. It didn’t take long for Rebecca to reach Jillian. Although she felt undignified, Rebecca had climbed trees a lot when she was Jillian’s age and apparently she still had some muscle memory of how to do it. Or maybe it was the mom in her that was determined to reach her child in distress. Either way, she was sitting on the branch beside Jillian within a minute.  
  
“Hey,” said Rebecca, shuffling along the branch to get closer to Jillian. “What happened?”  
  
Jillian was trembling, she shook her head.  
  
“Can I touch you?” Rebecca asked.  
  
This time Jillian nodded. Rebecca put an arm around Jillian’s shoulders, she felt herself swaying now that she only had the support of one arm keeping her in the tree.  
  
“You got the cat,” Rebecca commented, seeing the bulge under Jillian’s sweatshirt.  
  
Jillian nodded. She was concentrating too hard on her breathing to be able to talk.  
  
“You’ve done well,” said Rebecca, putting her head closer to Jillian’s. “I’m proud of you. You were very brave.”  
  
Jillian sniffed and put her head on Rebecca’s shoulder. Rebecca held her until she calmed down.  
  
“I’m sorry,” murmured Jillian.  
  
Rebecca rubbed her shoulder once more before taking hold of the branch with both hands again. “It’s okay. You’ve nothing to be sorry about.”  
  
“But I couldn’t do it,” said Jillian.  
  
“Hey now,” said Rebecca. “You _have_ done it. You climbed up this tree, you got the cat. Now you’re almost down.”  
  
“I can’t keep going,” said Jillian.  
  
“You can’t stay here forever,” said Rebecca. “I’ll help you down, okay?”  
  
“Okay,” sniffed Jillian.  
  
“Do you want me to take the cat?” Rebecca asked.  
  
Jillian shook her head, “I can take him.”  
  
“Okay,” said Rebecca. “Let me know if you change your mind.”  
  
Rebecca helped Jillian out of the tree by gently coaxing her and climbing down at the same rate with a hand extended so she could catch her if she fell.  
  
When they reached the bottom Jillian released the cat from her sweatshirt and picked up the tuna can. She held the cat in one hand while he greedily ate the tuna that she held with the other.  
  
Jillian looked at Rebecca with a grin on her face. She cuddled the cat closer to her. “I can’t believe you just climbed a tree!”  
  
“So did you,” said Rebecca. She dusted off her trousers as if that could dispel any of the indignity she’d just had inflicted upon her by climbing the tree.  
  
“Yeah, but I’m a kid. I didn’t even know grown ups _could_ climb trees,” said Jillian.  
  
“The sensible ones try not to,” said Rebecca.  
  
“Does that mean you’re not a sensible grown up?” Jillian asked.  
  
“I _tried_ not to,” said Rebecca. “You gave me no choice.”  
  
“I’m sorry,” Jillian said, good humour suddenly lost.  
  
“It’s okay Jillian,” said Rebecca. “I shouldn’t have suggested that you climb the tree.”  
  
“How else would we have gotten the cat down?” Jillian asked.  
  
“I think the fire brigade rescues cats from trees,” said Rebecca jokingly. She started walking back into the building.  
  
“Are you serious!?” Jillian shouted after her. “We could have got a fire engine?” Jillian trotted behind Rebecca in total disbelief. Rebecca was just glad that she was able to lift Jillian’s spirits again.  
  
  
Once Smithers had been returned to his apartment and the door was firmly shut to ensure he didn’t go on anymore adventures Rebecca and Jillian settled down in their own apartment.  
  
Rebecca walked into the living area and handed Jillian a mug of hot chocolate before sitting beside her on the couch with her own drink (of coffee, not chocolate). Rebecca looked at her watch, “You’ve had quite a big day today and it’s not even lunchtime yet.”  
  
“No marshmallows?” Jillian asked looking at her drink in disappointment.  
  
“We don’t have any,” said Rebecca. “Maybe we did and you gave those to a passing squirrel?”  
  
“I thought tuna was a good idea,” said Jillian defensively.  
  
Rebecca smiled, “It was.”  
  
“Thank you,” said Jillian. She hesitated, “I don’t have to tell Mrs. Adams what happened. Do I?”  
  
“What do you think?” Rebecca asked, she took a small sip of her coffee, it was still a little too hot.  
  
Jillian looked over her own mug at Rebecca with big puppy dog eyes, “Do I really have to?” She asked, “Everything turned out okay.”  
  
“Yes, you have to Jillian. It’s the responsible thing to do,” said Rebecca.  
  
“But,” said Jillian. “What if she doesn’t want to pay me after she hears what happened?”  
  
“Then that’s her decision and you’ll have to accept that,” said Rebecca.  
  
“But I’m trying to save up for a Super Nintendo,” whined Jillian.  
  
“That’s not her problem,” said Rebecca. “You had a responsibility and you need to let her know what happened.”  
  
Jillian pouted. Rebecca ignored her. Jillian sipped her drink and looked angrily at Rebecca as she did so.  
  
Rebecca sighed, “You can call Mrs. Adams tonight and tell her over the phone if you don’t want to tell her in person when she gets back.”  
  
Jillian thought about it. If she told Mrs. Adams when she got back then she’d have a whole week to figure out how to paint it in a good light. Or she could get it over and done with now and not have to face Mrs. Adams when she told her.  
  
“Can I call her tonight?” Jillian said.  
  
Rebecca nodded.  
  
  
That night after the cat had been (successfully) fed and Jillian was hanging around the kitchen waiting for Rebecca to finish making their dinner Jillian suddenly found herself with the telephone being thrust towards her. Rebecca was holding it.  
  
“Now?” Jillian asked.  
  
Rebecca nodded.  
  
Jillian grumbled and fished the piece of notepaper with Mrs. Adams’ son’s phone number on it from her pocket. She slowly dialed and waited as the phone rang.  
  
“Can you tell her?” Jillian asked.  
  
Rebecca shook her head. She’d stopped making the dinner to watch Jillian, and make sure she actually did what she was supposed to.  
  
“Hello?” A man’s voice answered.  
  
“Hi,” said Jillian timidly. “Is Mrs. Adams from upstairs there?”  
  
Rebecca rolled her eyes.  
  
The man chuckled though the phone, “Yeah, I’ll get her. Who is this?”  
  
“Jillian Holtzmann,” said Jillian.  
  
She waited for Mrs. Adams to pick up the phone. It took a good minute.  
  
“Hello dear,” Mrs. Adams finally answered. “Is everything all right?”  
  
“Yes,” said Jillian. She looked at Rebecca and tried to make a silent plea to get out of telling Mrs. Adams. Rebecca shook her head. Jillian continued, “Smithers is fine.” Rebecca had told her that she needed to say that first. “But he got out today and got stuck in a tree. He’s home now though.”  
  
Rebecca watched as Jillian listened to what Mrs. Adams had to say.  
  
Eventually Jillian got to speak, “Okay,” she said. She held the phone out to Rebecca. “She wants to talk to you.”  
  
Rebecca took the phone, “Hello Mrs. Adams.” Jillian listened to the one sided conversation. “Yes, he’s safe. Jillian got him down.” Mrs. Adams said something else. Rebecca pressed the phone to her chest, and looked at Jillian, “She wants to know if you still want to continue looking after the cat or if I should do it?”  
  
“Does she still want me looking after him?” Jillian asked.  
  
Rebecca nodded, “If you’re comfortable with it.”  
  
“I am.”  
  
“Yes, Jillian is still happy to look after him,” Rebecca said into the phone. “All right. Thank you. Good night.”  
  
 Jillian looked expectantly at Rebecca. The oven timer dinged. Rebecca checked on the food and determined that it was ready to come out of the oven.  
  
“What did she say?” Jillian asked as Rebecca pulled the hot baking tray out of the oven.  
  
“You can keep taking care of the cat,” said Rebecca.  
  
Jillian smiled, she was glad that Mrs. Adams still trusted her. “Will I still get paid?” Jillian asked.  
  
“Mrs. Adams didn’t mention it so I would assume so,” said Rebecca. “Could you please set the table?”  
  
Jillian nodded and began to do as she had been asked.  
  
  
The rest of the week went off without a hitch and sure enough when Mrs. Adams returned Jillian received her $10.  
  
After the door was shut after Mrs. Adams had left Jillian turned around with an excited grin on her face, she eyed the note hungrily.  
  
“Make sure you put that somewhere safe,” said Rebecca.  
  
“I will, I got a money sock,” said Jillian.  
  
“A what?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“A money sock,” Jillian repeated.  
  
“What is a money sock?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“It’s a sock where I put all of my money,” replied Jillian, she didn’t explicitly say ‘duh’ but it was very much implied in her tone.  
  
“Jillian,” Rebecca sounded tired. “You need to put it somewhere better than that.”  
  
“Like where?” Jillian asked, she couldn’t think of anything that could be better than a money sock.  
  
Rebecca raised an eyebrow, “I’m just spitballing here,” she said sarcastically, “but may I suggest a money _box_.”  
  
“Like a piggy bank?” Jillian asked. “Are you crazy? That’s the first place a burglar would look.”  
  
Rebecca rubbed her temples. “You know what? Never mind, put your money in a sock. I’m too tired for this conversation right now.”  
  
Jillian trotted off to her bedroom and retrieved the money sock. She tipped out its contents to do a quick count of how much was in there (even though she still remembered from last time). With her new ten dollars she now had a total of $32.75.  
  
Jillian walked into Rebecca’s study. Rebecca was doing something with a wire and a pair of round nosed pliers.  
  
“I have $32.75,” Jillian announced loudly. “That’s like a sixth of what I need to buy my Nintendo!”  
  
Rebecca, who hadn’t heard Jillian come in, accidentally twitched her arm a little too much as she jumped in surprise at the sudden and unexpected sound of Jillian’s voice. She snapped off a bit of the wire.  
  
“Crap,” she murmured to herself, quietly so Jillian didn’t hear. Rebecca put down her tools. “That’s great Jillian,” she said louder, her comment was positive but annoyance shone through in her voice.  
  
“Yeah, I only have to cat sit seventeen more times and then I’m there,” said Jillian happily.  
  
Rebecca chuckled and decided not to burst Jillian’s little bubble of enthusiasm by telling her it was unlikely that Mrs. Adams would be needing a cat sitter seventeen more times.  
  
“Watcha doing?” Jillian asked curiously.  
  
“Come here, I’ll show you,” said Rebecca.  
  
Jillian moved around the desk to join Rebecca. Even though she was too big she sat on Rebecca’s lap (making it difficult for Rebecca to actually show her what she was doing). Rebecca rested her chin atop of Jillian’s head and began to show her what she was working on. After an hour Jillian had fallen asleep and Rebecca carried her off to bed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thank you to Holtzmann_lover for your help with this chapter. 
> 
> And a small and sarcastic thank you to my cat who kept poking me with her little paw as I was uploading this chapter (I think she's mad that I wrote about another cat).


	24. Age 10: The Stray

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Puszusz said: PLEASE WRITE A CHAPTER ABOUT JILLIAN FINDING A STRAY AND BRINGING IT HOME.
> 
> July 1994

Jillian was playing outdoors on the small grassed area outside their apartment building. Rebecca let her play out there on the condition that she always told her when she was going there and that she come inside once the sun began to set. Jillian rarely actually played outside, she preferred to be inside experimenting and learning, but sometimes she just had too much energy built up inside her and she had to leave the apartment to expel some of it before she became antsy (which always inevitably annoyed Rebecca).  
  
Jillian was bouncing a tennis ball that she’d found against the brick wall of the building. It hit a slightly jagged brick and bounced off in the wrong direction. The ball rolled across the street. That irked Jillian. She wasn’t supposed to cross the street, so now she’d lost her ball. She let out a huff of air and began to head back inside. Something nudged the back of her leg. Jillian turned around to see what it was. It was a smallish dog and in its mouth was the tennis ball that she’d just lost.  
  
“Hi,” said Jillian a little timidly, she didn’t have too much experience with dogs.  
  
The dog dropped the ball on the grass and looked at her expectantly.  
  
Jillian looked at the ball and then back at the dog. “You want me to throw it?”  
  
She could have sworn that the dog just nodded. She picked up the ball and tossed it across the grass. The dog happily chased after it. Jillian smiled, it was nice to have someone to play with.  
  
They continued to play together until both were worn out. Jillian sat down on the grass and the dog trotted over to her. It lay down beside her and put its head in her lap. Jillian smiled and stroked the dog’s fur.  
  
“You wanna be my dog?” Jillian asked.  
  
The dog groaned comfortably, Jillian took that as an affirmative.  
  
“Okay, let’s get you upstairs then,” Jillian said. She coaxed the dog into the apartment building.  
  
When they were outside the door to Rebecca’s apartment Jillian crouched down beside the dog and pressed a finger to her lips, urging it to stay quiet.  
  
“We gotta be really quiet okay. My mom can’t know you’re here,” she whispered.  
  
The dog just stared at her.  
  
Jillian opened the door and lead the dog inside. They went straight to her bedroom and Jillian quickly shut the door so the dog didn’t escape. She bounced up on to her bed and the dog jumped up too, leaving muddy little paw prints on her dinosaur blanket.  
  
“First thing’s first,” said Jillian. “You need a name,” she thought for a minute. “I think I’ll call you…David.”  
  
The dog licked her. Jillian laughed, then quickly hushed herself.  
  
“Are you hungry David?” Jillian asked. “I’m going to find you something to eat.”  
  
She hopped off the bed and went to leave her room. She stopped before she opened the door. “You wait here,” she instructed.  
  
Then she hurried into the kitchen. She was searching through their fridge when Rebecca came up behind her.  
  
“What are you doing?” Rebecca asked in low voice.  
  
Jillian jumped in surprise. “Nothing,” she stuttered.  
  
“Can you do nothing elsewhere? I need to start cooking dinner,” Rebecca said.  
  
“Yeah, sure,” said Jillian quickly. She grabbed a plate of leftovers from the dinner that they’d had the previous night and began to carry it to her room.  
  
Rebecca cleared her throat. Jillian pretended not to hear.  
  
“Jillian,” Rebecca said sternly.  
  
That stopped her in her tracks. Slowly she turned around, “Yeah?”  
  
“Where are you going with that?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“My room?” Jillian said cautiously.  
  
Rebecca shook her head, “When have I ever let you eat in your room?”  
  
Jillian blinked slowly, “Never? But I’m hungry.”  
  
“I’m about to make dinner,” said Rebecca. “Put it back.”  
  
“I’m hungry now,” said Jillian.  
  
“Please put it back,” repeated Rebecca.  
  
“But-“  
  
“Now.”  
  
Jillian slunk back to the fridge and returned the food.  
  
“Thank you,” said Rebecca. “Dinner will be ready in half an hour, I promise that you won’t starve to death before then.”  
  
“Can I at least have a snack?” Jillian asked.  
  
Rebecca eyed her suspiciously, “Why are you so hungry?”  
  
Jillian shrugged.  
  
“You might be approaching another growth spurt,” reasoned Rebecca.  
  
“Guess so,” said Jillian. “I’m going back to my room now.”  
  
Rebecca nodded and turned to the pantry to begin getting food out for their dinner.  
  
  
Jillian returned to her room. “Sorry David,” she said. “My mom caught me, I’ll try and sneak you some of my dinner instead.”  
  
David didn’t seem all that fussed. He was lounging on Jillian’s bed. Jillian joined him and stroked his fur. She could tell that he had soft fur, but it was a bit matted and dirty at the moment. She wondered if she could sneak him in to the bathroom with her when she had her shower so she could give him a wash.  
  
Jillian decided that if she was going to do that then now was the time to do it, since Rebecca was distracted in the kitchen. She quickly gathered her pyjamas and dumped them in the bathroom before returning to fetch David.  
  
When they were both in the bathroom Jillian quickly stripped and turned on the shower. She left her underwear on, not wanting to be completely naked in front of the dog, that’d be weird. As it turned out, it was very difficult to wash herself and a dog at the same time. She used her strawberry scented shampoo to wash through his fur. That worked quite well and he smelled really nice afterward. The shower lasted twice as long as her usual showers did.  
  
Once they were both out and the water had been turned off Jillian wrapped herself in a towel so she didn’t get cold and then used another towel to rub the dog dry. The towel got soaked quite quickly so she had to use her own towel to finish the job. Then she quickly put on her pyjamas and snuck the dog back into her room. She was more than pleased with herself for managing to do all of that without being caught.  
  
Jillian looked at the clock on her bedside table and realised that it had been nearly half an hour since she’d left Rebecca and that dinner must be almost ready. She didn’t want Rebecca to come and fetch her for dinner because then she’d see David right away. So Jillian quickly patted David and then hurried out of her room and into the kitchen.  
  
“You showered early tonight,” commented Rebecca when she saw Jillian. She was just dishing up their dinner.  
  
“I felt dirty from playing outside,” said Jillian. That wasn’t even a lie, she had gotten quite dirty from playing with the dog.  
  
Rebecca hummed and then carried their plates to the table. As they ate Jillian put aside a few pieces of chicken from her meal and when she was done eating she shoved them into her mouth and hid them there so she could get away without Rebecca noticing.  
  
Silently (she had no choice but to be silent with her mouth as full as it was) Jillian got up from the table and put her empty dinner plate by the sink.  
  
“Can you please help me with the dishes tonight?” Rebecca asked as she got up from the table herself.  
  
Jillian nodded, but then she sprinted to her bedroom. Rebecca called after her.  
  
Jillian quickly shut the door behind her. She desperately wished she had a lock. She just needed to feed David and then she’d come out and help Rebecca like she’d been asked to. She spat the chicken out into her hand and offered it to the dog. David ate it greedily. Then Rebecca opened the door.  
  
“Are you okay Jillian? Why did you run off-“ Rebecca started, then she saw the dog. “Oh. What the h—? Who’s dog is this?” She sounded mad.  
  
Jillian turned around and tried to hide David with her body even though it was too late. “Umm,” she said nervously.  
  
Rebecca crossed her arms and waited for Jillian to answer her.  
  
“He’s my dog,” said Jillian firmly.  
  
Rebecca shook his head, “No. He’s not.”  
  
“He is too,” said Jillian defiantly. "His name is David."  
  
“Where did he come from?” Rebecca asked, changing tack.  
  
“Outside,” said Jillian. David pushed her with his nose and Jillian fell forward. She righted herself and then sat on the bed next to him, rubbing his fur affectionately.  
  
“How long were you planning on hiding him from me?” Rebecca asked.  
  
Jillian shrugged.  
  
Rebecca walked over and inspected the dog. She was hoping to find a collar but he wasn’t wearing one. David licked her hand. Rebecca pulled her arm back with an offended look on her face.  
  
“I’m sorry Jillian,” she said, and she _did_ sound sorry. “But I can’t allow you to keep him.”  
  
“What?” Jillian was upset. “Why not?”  
  
“Because, it’s very likely that this dog belongs to someone else,” said Rebecca. “They’re probably wondering where he is. And even if that weren’t the case, I don’t want a dog in this apartment.”  
  
“But I’d feed him and take care of him,” whined Jillian. “See, I already washed him.”  
  
Rebecca looked at the dog sitting on the bed and noticed the muddy paw prints on the sheets. “After you let him on the bed I see,” she commented.  
  
Jillian looked guilty.  
  
Rebecca sighed, “I’m sorry Jillian. I’m going to call the pound.”  
  
“Noooo!” Jillian wailed.  
  
Rebecca shot her a very stern look.  
  
Jillian frowned at her. “He’s mine,” she whimpered.  
  
Rebecca shook her head and walked out of the room.  
  
“I’m sorry David,” said Jillian. “Maybe if she can’t find your owner you can stay here and live with me.”  
  
David licked her face in response.  
  
“Maybe we should run away,” Jillian contemplated. She began planning out in her head just exactly how she could do that and where she would go to live.  
  
Rebecca came back into the room. David stood up and excitedly wagged his tail at her.  
  
“Are you sure this dog is a boy?” Rebecca asked. “They have a missing dog reported that matches this description, but it’s a girl.”  
  
“I don’t know,” said Jillian. “I just thought he looked like a boy. How can you tell?”  
  
Rebecca was a little amused, she approached the dog, “You check its genitals,” she replied, then she quickly looked under it. “This dog is a girl.”  
  
“Oh,” said Jillian. The dog sat down, she looked a little annoyed at being scrutinised by Rebecca.  
  
Rebecca left the room again. Jillian tried to think of a new name for David, then she decided that David could be a girl’s name too, if she wanted it to be.  
  
Rebecca returned a short time later. “The people at the pound are going to get in contact with her owner and hopefully they’ll call us tonight so we can return her to her family.”  
  
Jillian sighed forlornly. “Do we _have_ to give her back?”  
  
“It’s the right thing to do Jillian. This family has been worrying about their dog for over a week, according the man I spoke to.”  
  
Jillian wiped a tear from the corner of her eye, “But I love him..her, I mean.”  
  
Rebecca sat down on the bed beside Jillian (and away from the dog). “Jillian, you just met this dog today. Her family has had her for a lot longer than that.”  
  
“Yeah but,” Jillian didn’t continue, she knew Rebecca was right.  
  
The phone rang.  
  
Rebecca stood up and went to answer it. Jillian stayed with the dog, enjoying her company for as long as she could. Rebecca came back.  
  
“That was her family, they live just around the corner and they’re on their way to pick her up now,” said Rebecca.  
  
“Oh,” said Jillian sadly. “But I don’t want to say goodbye.”  
  
“I’m sorry Jillian,” said Rebecca.  
  
Jillian gave the dog a big hug, “I’m sorry you couldn’t come and live with us,” she said. The dog licked a stray tear that was running down her cheek.  
  
It wasn’t long until the family arrived to pick up their dog, Stella, they found out was her name.  
  
Stella was ecstatic to see her family (a mother and two boys around Jillian’s age). She bounced happily and ran straight to their arms, leaving Jillian behind. The family offered their thanks and then took the dog away.  
  
“I’m going to bed,” said Jillian sadly, she was completely done with the day and just wanted it to be over.  
  
“You need to help me with these dishes first,” Rebecca reminded her.  
  
Jillian pouted but walked into the kitchen. Rebecca followed her and began to fill the sink. “You know you did the right thing by giving the dog back,” she said.  
  
“Yeah, but I loved her,” said Jillian.  
  
“You saw how happy that family was to get their dog back, and how happy the dog was to be back,” said Rebecca, she washed the first plate and handed it to Jillian.  
  
Jillian dried the plate, “I saw,” she resigned.  
  
Rebecca put the next plate on the drying rack. “I don’t appreciate you trying to hide the dog from me,” she told Jillian.  
  
Jillian kept her eyes focused on the plate that she was drying. “I know,” she said sheepishly. After a few beats she realised what Rebecca was looking for, “I’m sorry.”  
  
“I forgive you,” said Rebecca. “But should this situation ever recur, will you please inform me that there’s an animal in the apartment?”  
  
Jillian nodded.    
  
“Thank you.”  
  
“Is this a bad time to ask if we can get dog?” Jillian asked.  
  
“Yes,” said Rebecca.  
  
“Yes it’s a bad time or yes we can get a dog?” Jillian asked hopefully.  
  
Rebecca raised an eyebrow.  
  
“Yes, it’s a bad time?” said Jillian with a pitiful sadness.  
  
Rebecca nodded.  
  
“What about a rat?”  
  
“No.”  
  
“A chinchilla?”  
  
“No.”  
  
“Fish?”  
  
“Jillian!”  
  
Jillian grinned cheekily at her mother. Rebecca rolled her eyes and went to the freezer.  
  
“I think this is a dessert sort of a night, don’t you?” She asked, figuring the girl could use some cheering up after having to say good bye to the dog.

Jillian beamed and nodded enthusiastically.


	25. Age 5: First Day of School

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> puszusz and eppystjust requested a chapter about Jillian's first time at school. 
> 
>  
> 
> August 1989

  
  
Jillian had been up since the crack of dawn that morning. Consequentially, Rebecca had also been up since the crack of dawn that morning. It was Jillian’s very first day of school and she was beyond excited.  
  
They were finally here. Standing in front of the school building. Jillian had her backpack on, her favourite pair of overalls were being worn with pride. Her brand new glasses were safe in their case in her bag. Rebecca had just bought them for her (Jillian had broken her old pair when she tried to race someone’s dog at the park).  
  
“Do you think my new teacher will be nice? Do you think the other kids can read yet? Coz I can read real good. Do you think we’ll start doing maths on the very first day? I hope so because I wanna impress everyone,” Jillian jabbered on. She’d been like that all morning.  
  
For the most part Rebecca wasn’t even really listening to her. She’d tried to answer her questions earlier in the morning but had quickly discovered that Jillian wasn’t actually leaving any room for her to give the answers. She was just too excited to shut up.  
  
“Hello!” called a woman who Rebecca immediately decided was overly friendly. Jillian finally stopped talking. The woman walked over to them, “I’m Miss Oliver and I’ll be your daughter’s teacher. Who do we have here?”  
  
Rebecca looked to Jillian, expecting her to introduce herself. Jillian hid shyly behind Rebecca’s legs.  
  
“This is Jillian,” she said. “Jillian please say hello to your teacher.”  
  
“Hello,” said Jillian shyly, still hiding behind Rebecca.  
  
“She’s not usually like this,” Rebecca apologised.  
  
“First day jitters, I’m sure,” said the teacher.  
  
“I’m sure,” echoed Rebecca. “I’m Dr. Rebecca Gorin by the way.”  
  
“Oh,” said the teacher, “We’ve got Jillian’s surname written down here as Holtzmann.”  
  
“That’s correct,” said Rebecca, “Jillian’s adopted but I wanted her to keep her birth parents’ name.”  
  
“Oh, okay,” said Miss Oliver somewhat awkwardly.  
  
Jillian tugged on Rebecca’s hand, “Can I go play on the playground?”  
  
There were a few of Jillian’s new classmates playing there already. Rebecca nodded. Jillian ran off.  
  
  
Jillian dropped her bag in the sand. She unzipped it and pulled out her new glasses. She put them on before she went to join the other kids. Without bothering to zip up her bag Jillian made her way to the climbing frame. When she got to the top she looked down and saw Rebecca standing at the bottom.  
  
“Jillian, I’m going now,” Rebecca told her.  
  
“Okay,” said Jillian agreeably.  
  
“I’ll see you in a few hours. Goodbye.”  
  
“Bye,” Jillian waved.  
  
Rebecca left. As she did she looked around and saw many crying children struggling to bid their parents farewell. She wondered if she should be worried that Jillian didn’t really seem to mind that she was leaving but she figured Jillian was just excited to finally be going to school.  
  
  
“What’s up with your glasses?” A boy asked Jillian as he joined her on the climbing frame.  
  
Jillian blinked, “What do you mean?”  
  
“Why are they yellow?”  
  
Jillian shrugged, “I dunno.”  
  
“I think it’s weird,” said the boy.  
  
That hurt Jillian’s feelings. She didn’t want people to think she was weird.  
  
“Arnold!” The boy called to another kid, “Look at this girl’s glasses. Aren’t they weird?”  
  
“Yeah!” Arnold agreed with gusto.  
  
Jillian took her glasses off and put them in the front pocket of her overalls. She climbed down and put them back in the case and in her bag. She didn’t want to look weird.  
  
Class soon began. The teacher had written everybody’s names on a piece of card and placed them on each of the desks. She told them to find their name and sit at their desks. A few of the kids needed help because they weren’t quite sure how to read yet. Jillian proudly walked around the room looking for her name, knowing that she could read very well for her age. That was when she realised that she couldn’t quite get her eyes to focus on the paper, the white background of the paper made it too bright for her to see. She squinted at each name card, trying to recognise the shape of her name. Someone tapped her on the shoulder. Jillian jumped and turned around to see who it was.  
  
Miss Oliver was standing there smiling kindly at her, “It’s Jillian isn’t it?”  
  
Jillian nodded.  
  
“Do you need help finding your name?” Miss Oliver asked gently.  
  
Jillian felt like she might cry, she didn’t want her teacher thinking she was dumb because she couldn’t read her own name.  
  
“I can read,” Jillian said with her voice catching in her throat.  
  
“You can?” Miss Oliver asked. “Are you just having trouble finding your card?”  
  
Jillian nodded.  
  
Miss Oliver pointed at a table where three other kids (one boy and two girls) were already sitting, “You’re over there sweetie.”  
  
Jillian forgot to say thank you, she just walked to her table and sat down with the other children. She was so embarrassed, she stared at the wall behind the kid sitting opposite her and willed herself not to cry.  
  
“Why is your hair like that?” The boy at the table asked her, he pointed rudely at her hair.  
  
“Like what?” Jillian asked defensively, feeling on edge after the glasses incident.  
  
“It looks like curly hay,” said the boy. “It’s all stick-uppy.”  
  
“It is not,” said Jillian, internally reevaluating how she felt about her hair.  
  
“Is to,” the boy argued back.  
  
Jillian couldn’t think of a response so she stuck her tongue out at him. Miss Oliver happened to see her doing that.  
  
“Jillian!” She admonished. “That is a very rude thing to do.”  
  
“I know,” said Jillian. “That’s why I did it.”  
  
Miss Oliver looked cross. “This is your very first warning Jillian. When you are at school you have to behave yourself and respect your fellow classmates, okay?”  
  
“Okay,” said Jillian.  
  
Miss Oliver began to walk to the front of the room.  
  
“Haha,” laughed the boy obnoxiously. “You got in trouble,” he singsonged.  
  
Jillian stomped on his foot in retaliation. He howled in pain. Miss Oliver turned around sharply and hurried over to him.  
  
“What happened Chaz?” She asked.  
  
Through his tears Chaz pointed at Jillian, “That girl stamped on my foot!”  
  
Jillian was scared, she hadn’t meant to do that. She wasn’t thinking properly after the teasing and she was already starting to get cranky from not wearing her glasses. She wondered how many warnings she got before she got a consequence.  
  
Miss Oliver looked very cross. She fixed a frown at Jillian. “Jillian, you cannot hurt other people,” she said very sternly. Jillian stared at her in bewilderment. She couldn’t believe that she’d only been in school for five minutes and she had already gotten on the wrong side of the teacher. “Come with me please.” Miss Oliver stood up and held out a hand for Jillian to take.  
  
Jillian stood up too and held Miss Oliver’s hand. Even though she didn’t want anyone touching her in that moment, she was too scared to disobey. Miss Oliver lead her to a small step stool at the back of the classroom.  
  
“You need to sit here and face the wall for ten minutes and think about why it’s not okay to hurt other people,” Miss Oliver said, she was speaking gently again.  
  
Jillian didn’t respond but she did as she was instructed.  
  
Jillian heard Miss Oliver giving the stupid boy an icepack. She was glad she’d hurt him, he deserved it. Miss Oliver started playing a game with the rest of the class. Jillian was upset, she wanted to join in. She gently cried to herself as she waited for her time out to end.  
  
Eventually Miss Oliver called her to come and join the rest of the class again. None of the other kids wanted to be near her. Jillian couldn’t believe she already had a bad reputation, it hadn’t even been one day!  
  
Miss Oliver made Jillian apologise to Chaz, which she begrudgingly did. Not because she was sorry, but because she didn’t want to miss out on any more activities.  
  
  
When home time rolled around Miss Oliver made Jillian wait for Rebecca by the classroom door with her. Rebecca was one of the last parents to show up. She’d been held up at the lab due to minor incident with one of the undergrads.  
  
Jillian gave her a small wave when Rebecca spotted her. Rebecca smiled at her and then noticed the way Miss Oliver was standing over her with a firm hand on her shoulder. Rebecca sighed and walked over to them.  
  
“Good afternoon,” she said.  
  
“Hi Mommy,” said Jillian in a small voice. Miss Oliver released Jillian.  
  
“Is everything okay?” Rebecca asked.  
  
Miss Oliver shook her head, “I’m afraid Jillian had a bit of a rocky start today.”  
  
“School has a timeout chair just like we have at home,” Jillian chimed in.  
  
“Did you have to sit on it?” Rebecca asked her, already knowing the answer.  
  
Jillian nodded slowly. Then she rubbed her head, the movement had caused it to throb.  
  
“Jillian had a small altercation with one of the boys at her table,” Miss Oliver told Rebecca.  
  
“I see,” said Rebecca, keeping a stern eye on Jillian.  
  
“She got a warning for sticking her tongue out at him, but I had to put her in the time out chair when she stomped on his foot,” Miss Oliver said.  
  
“Jillian!” Rebecca said, shocked to hear of her behaviour.  
  
Jillian shrugged, “I ‘pologised.”  
  
“You shouldn’t have done it,” said Rebecca. “You know better than that.”  
  
“I’m afraid the incident seems to have ostracised Jillian a bit from the rest of the class,” continued Miss Oliver. “These things are usually forgotten after a while, but I thought you should know that it may take Jillian a bit longer to make friends because of this.”  
  
“Ostrich eyes?” Jillian asked in confusion.  
  
“Ostracised,” Rebecca enunciated clearly. “It means excluded.”  
  
“Oh,” said Jillian suddenly sounding sad, she knew what excluded meant.  
  
Rebecca gently ushered Jillian close to her. It wasn’t a hug, but it could have been.  
  
“I’ll let you go now,” said Miss Oliver. “I just wanted to make you aware of the situation.”  
  
“Thank you,” said Rebecca. She looked at Jillian, “Are you ready to go?”  
  
“Yeah,” said Jillian, avoiding any movement of her head.  
  
They walked to the car and Rebecca helped Jillian with her seatbelt before walking around to the driver’s seat and getting in. Rebecca didn’t start the car right away as Jillian expected her to, instead she turned around in her seat to face Jillian.  
  
“When did you take your glasses off?” She asked.  
  
“Earlier,” said Jillian vaguely. She unzipped her backpack that was on the seat next to her and rummaged around for them. They’d fallen to the bottom. Jillian took them out of the case and slipped them on.  
  
“You really shouldn’t be taking them off Jillian,” Rebecca said. “Do you feel sick?”  
  
“My head hurts,” Jillian admitted.  
  
Rebecca sighed, “Why did you take them off?”  
  
“Dunno,” said Jillian, even though she knew exactly why.  
  
“Did not wearing them make you cranky? Is that why you hurt that boy?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“I hurt him before I got cranky,” Jillian admitted.  
  
“Why did you hurt him then?”  
  
Jillian shrugged.  
  
“Jillian, I need you to answer me please,” Rebecca said sternly.  
  
Jillian remained silent.  
  
“Did you hurt him on purpose?” Rebecca pushed.  
  
Jillian twisted her lip, “Yeah…” she said slowly.  
  
“Why?” Rebecca asked again.  
  
“He needed it,” Jillian said with a dismissive shrug.  
  
Rebecca shot a very cross look at her. Jillian shrunk down in her seat. “Nobody deserves to be hurt Jillian.”  
  
Jillian looked like she didn’t believe Rebecca.  
  
“What did he do that made you think he deserved to be hurt?” Rebecca asked with a sigh.  
  
Jillian realised that if she told Rebecca then she’d have to admit that the other kids thought she was weird and that they were teasing her. She didn’t know why, but she didn’t want Rebecca to know.  
  
“No reason,” said Jillian in a very little voice.  
  
Rebecca frowned at her, “So you just hurt him for no reason?”  
  
“I guess,” said Jillian sadly.  
  
Rebecca looked mad. She turned around and started the car. The drive home was silent.  
  
  
Rebecca unlocked the door to the apartment. Jillian walked in after her, she felt sheepish. She knew she shouldn’t have hurt Chaz but she thought her reason was good, even though she couldn’t tell Rebecca what it was.  
  
Rebecca hung up her coat and then helped Jillian with hers.  
  
“Go to your room please,” said Rebecca softly but firmly.  
  
Jillian looked at her in confusion, “I already did a consequence,” she said, she stumbled over the pronunciation of consequence but it was still understandable.  
  
“Please do as I ask,” Rebecca said, this time her voice was only firm.  
  
“Okay,” Jillian said forlornly. She walked dejectedly to her room.  
  
  
Rebecca made herself a coffee. She didn’t often like to drink caffeine in the afternoon, but damn did she need some right now. She leaned against the counter while she waited for the water to boil.  
  
Rebecca couldn’t believe that Jillian had already managed to get herself in trouble on the first day of school. Of course, it wasn’t like she’d expected Jillian to never get in trouble, she just thought it would have taken a little longer for something to happen. Then again, Jillian could be incredibly unpredictable. She felt like there was more to the story than Jillian was telling her, and she was determined to get it out of her. But for now she was going treat the situation as Jillian had presented it, what other choice did she have?  
  
Once her coffee was finished Rebecca went to speak to Jillian. Her bedroom door was open and Jillian was sitting on her bed murmuring something to her bear. Rebecca tried to eavesdrop to see if Jillian was saying anything related to the incident, but she was speaking too quietly for Rebecca to hear. Rebecca rapped her knuckles on the door to let Jillian know she was there. Jillian looked up at her. She hugged the bear close to her with a mixture of fear and guilt on her face.  
  
“How’s you headache?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“Fine,” said Jillian, sounding a little grumpy.  
  
Rebecca sat down on the bed beside Jillian. “I want to talk to you about something,” Rebecca said.  
  
Jillian looked at her curiously.  
  
“Do you know what a bully is?” Rebecca asked.  
  
Jillian shook her head.  
  
“It’s a person who is mean to other people. Sometimes they have a reason and sometimes they don’t, but the point is that they are mean to another person and they shouldn’t be,” said Rebecca.  
  
“What kind of things do bullies do?” Jillian asked. She wondered if the boys that had been mean to her today were bullies.  
  
“They do things like call other people mean names, or sometimes they say mean things to people,” Rebecca began. Jillian decided that those boys were bullies because they’d said mean things to her. “Or sometimes they even physically hurt other people on purpose,” finished Rebecca.  
  
_Oh no_ , thought Jillian with a sudden realisation. Rebecca thought that Jillian was a bully!  
  
“I didn’t really do it on purpose,” said Jillian very quietly. She really hadn’t, if he hadn’t have been mean about her hair then she wouldn’t have needed to stomp on his foot. _It was a reaction, people can’t help the way they react to things_ , Jillian thought.  
  
“No?” Rebecca asked, “You accidentally stomped on his foot?”  
  
“Well no,” admitted Jillian, “I mean. Sort of?”  
  
“I don’t understand,” said Rebecca. “Please explain what you mean.”  
  
“I don’t know how,” said Jillian. “I’m not a bully.”  
  
“The behaviour you’ve shown tells me otherwise Jillian,” said Rebecca sternly. “I need you to promise that you’re going to do better tomorrow, okay?”  
  
“Okay,” said Jillian. “I promise.” She really meant it.    
  
Rebecca stood up, “You’re not in a time out anymore, but I’d still like you to think about what we’ve just discussed, okay?”  
  
Jillian nodded. Rebecca left.  
  
  
Jillian decided the best thing for her to do would be to stop going to school. Then nobody could tease her and she couldn’t accidentally get in trouble for retaliating.  
  
“I’m staying home today,” Jillian announced over her breakfast.  
  
Rebecca looked up from her newspaper, “No you’re not.” She looked back down.  
  
“Well, I’m not going back to school. I’ve decided,” said Jillian as firmly as she could.  
  
Rebecca looked back up at her, “Yes you are Jillian. You have to go to school.”  
  
Jillian pouted, “But I don’t wanna.”  
  
“Because of what happened yesterday?” Rebecca asked, she put the newspaper down.  
  
Jillian nodded slowly.  
  
“It’s not going to happen again,” Rebecca said.  
  
Jillian had already decided she wasn’t going to be stomping on anyone else’s feet, but she really couldn’t prevent the other kids from teasing her…or could she?  
  
“Fine,” Jillian huffed, “I’ll go.”  
  
“Good,” Rebecca returned to her paper.  
  
Jillian finished her cereal. “Can you braid my hair?” She’d noticed that lots of the other girls had their hair in two braids. Maybe if she looked like them then she wouldn’t get teased for being so scrawny.  
  
Rebecca looked surprised, she’d learned the hard way that Jillian didn’t like to have her hair braided. “Are you sure that’s what you want?”  
  
Jillian nodded.  
  
“All right,” Rebecca agreed. She got up to go get what she needed. When she returned she braided Jillian’s hair as quickly as she could so she wouldn’t complain about getting her hair touched so much. Surprisingly, Jillian was an absolute angel; for once. When she was done Rebecca couldn’t help but smile at how cute Jillian looked.  
  
Jillian dashed to the bathroom to see what she looked like. She put her little stool next to the mirror and stood on it so she could see herself. Well, her face still looked like her face, but at least her hair looked less scruffy when it was braided. She experimentally took off her glasses, just to see what she looked like without them. _Much better_ , she thought. In the reflection she saw Rebecca entering the room, she quickly shoved the glasses back on.  
  
“Are you happy?” Rebecca asked.  
  
Jillian nodded.  
  
Rebecca smiled at her, “Good. Now brush your teeth while you’re in here and then we need to get moving or you’ll be late for school.”  
  
  
Jillian kept her head down as they entered the school yard. Rebecca thought it was because she was ashamed of herself for the incident yesterday. Really it was because Jillian was just trying to hide her face so none of the other kids would see her glasses. Rebecca stopped her before they reached the classroom door.  
  
“Look at me please,” Rebecca said gently.  
  
Reluctantly Jillian slowly raised her head until her eyes met Rebecca’s.  
  
“I want you to remember what we talked about yesterday. Best behaviour, okay?” Rebecca said.  
  
Jillian nodded. Rebecca stared at her intently, as though she were trying to read her thoughts. Jillian momentarily wondered if Rebecca _could_ read her thoughts. She tried to think only the things that Rebecca would want her thinking. After a few moments Rebecca seemed satisfied and let her go.  
  
“Good. Have a good day today,” Rebecca said.  
  
“I will,” Jillian promised. It was a promise she desperately hoped to keep. She reached her arms up, wanting a hug, a last moment of comfort before she had to go and face the other kids again.  
  
Rebecca lifted her up. Which surprised Jillian, she usually only got picked up by Rebecca if she’d fallen asleep somewhere and needed to be taken to bed. Jillian wrapped her arms around her mother.  
Rebecca was worried about Jillian. It was very clear that school was not going well for her. And she felt like it was worse than she was aware of, so she let the hug go on longer than she normally would have. After a few moments though Rebecca knew she wouldn’t be able to keep holding Jillian, she wasn’t as strong as she used to be and Jillian wasn’t as light as she used to be. Rebecca gently lowered Jillian back on to the ground.  
  
“Are you sure I can’t stay at home today?” Jillian tried one last time.  
  
“Yes,” Rebecca replied. “I have to go to work anyway, so there wouldn’t be anybody to watch you if you were at home.”  
  
“I don’t need to be watched,” said Jillian confidently.  
  
Rebecca looked amused but just shook her head and didn’t say anything in reply.  
  
Jillian looked at the door, “Do I have to go in now?”  
  
Rebecca nodded.  
  
“Okay, bye.”  
  
“Good bye Jillian,” Rebecca said, she left before Jillian entered the room.  
  
Jillian made sure Rebecca was gone before she took off her glasses. She went to put them back in their case only to discover that she’d forgotten to bring it with her. She put them in her pencil case instead. Then she zipped up her bag and walked with as much confidence as she could muster into the classroom.  
  
Her second day started off a lot better. They started their actual lessons and Jillian was excited to show off what she already knew. As the day wore on it got harder for Jillian to read the words and she got cranky again. And none of the other kids would go near her. Twenty minutes before home time she just couldn’t take it anymore and she broke down crying. Everything was so much harder than she’d expected it to be.  
  
Miss Oliver tried to comfort her but Jillian was too overwhelmed and tried to push her away.  
  
“No,” she moaned. “No touch.” She couldn’t articulate herself any better than that.  
  
Miss Oliver held her hands up in surrender. “Okay, it’s okay Jillian. I’m not touching you.”  
  
Jillian hiccupped. Everyone was watching her, this was so dumb. She tried to stop crying but couldn’t. Miss Oliver gently guided her over to what she dubbed the “Quiet Corner”. It was a bean bag surrounded by bookshelves, the titles of which Jillian couldn’t even read because her vision was so blurred by this point. She just wanted to go home. Jillian curled up on the bean bag and shut her eyes, trying to make them stop hurting. She really, really, really hoped that none of the other kids were still watching her, if she wasn’t ostrich eyes before, she definitely was now.  
  
When Jillian next opened her eyes Rebecca was there. She looked around, she hadn’t even noticed the bell go or the other children leaving. Rebecca was crouched in front of her. Miss Oliver was kind of floating around behind her, Jillian could tell that she was watching even though she tried not to look like she was.  
  
“Hi,” said Rebecca very softly.  
  
Jillian mumbled something incoherent.  
  
“I heard that this afternoon didn’t go so well for you,” Rebecca said just as softly as before.  
  
Jillian shook her head, no. Words didn’t seem to want to come to her right now.  
  
“That’s okay Jillian,” said Rebecca, “how are you now? Do you feel a little better now that you’ve had a break?”  
  
Jillian nodded.  
  
“Can I touch you?”  
  
Another nod. Rebecca scooped Jillian up and then sat down on the bean bag with Jillian on her lap. “Do you want to talk about?” Rebecca whispered gently in her ear.  
  
Jillian shook her head and hiccupped once.  
  
“That’s okay. We don’t have to talk about it just yet,” said Rebecca. And they didn’t. Rebecca just held her for a long while until Jillian began to feel uncomfortable and squirmed out of Rebecca’s arms.  
  
“We can go home now,” said Jillian quietly once she was on her feet.  
  
“Okay,” Rebecca agreed. “Go get your things.”  
  
Jillian scampered off to her cubby to retrieve her bag. Rebecca approached Miss Oliver.  
  
“Thank you for letting us stay in here. I didn’t want to move her until she was ready,” she said quietly so Jillian didn’t hear.  
  
Miss Oliver nodded, “It’s fine,” she paused. “Umm, is this something that is usual for Jillian? Should I be doing anything to help her?”  
  
“It’s not a frequent occurrence, but it’s not unusual for her,” Rebecca answered. “It seems like you handled it well. Just get her to somewhere quiet and don’t touch her unless she says it’s okay.”  
  
“Okay,” replied Miss Oliver. “Is it, ah, does she have any learning disabilities?”  
  
Rebecca looked at her with both surprise and concern, “Does it appear to you that she does?”  
  
“It’s only been one day,” said Miss Oliver. “But I’ve been teaching for a while now and it’s pretty easy to pick up. Jillian excels verbally, but she’s not so good on the page.”  
  
“Oh,” said Rebecca, _that was unexpected_ , she thought.  
  
“Normally I would suggest that she see an optometrist before even bringing up learning disabilities, because often Jillian’s case is with children who have poor eyesight, but after today’s episode, I might consider something else,” explained Miss Oliver.  
  
Jillian returned to Rebecca with her bag in tow. Rebecca looked down at Jillian and noticed her glasses weren’t on.  
  
“Jillian wears glasses,” Rebecca said, somewhat crossly, but still keeping her tone in check, given Jillian’s current fragile state.  
  
“Oh,” said Miss Oliver, it was her turn to be surprised.  
  
Jillian took two big steps back.  
  
“Where are you glasses Jillian?” Rebecca asked.  
  
Jillian fished them out of her pencil case. There was a big crayon mark across the left lens, she wiped it on her shirt, which just smudged the glasses and coloured her shirt in green. Wordlessly Rebecca took the glasses from Jillian and pulled a handkerchief from her shirt sleeve.  
  
“Have you not been wearing these at all during class?” Rebecca asked as she began to rub the waxy mark away.  
  
“I have,” lied Jillian. “I only just took them off.”  
  
Rebecca looked at Miss Oliver for confirmation. The younger woman shook her head, “I didn’t even know she wore glasses.”  
  
Rebecca looked back at Jillian with one eyebrow raised. She wiped the last of the crayon off and passed the glasses back to Jillian. Jillian put them on her face, her eyes instantly feeling the relief of no longer having to strain.  
  
Rebecca sat down cooly on one of the desks so that she was more or less even with Jillian’s height. She reached out both of her hands and looked at Jillian for permission. Jillian put her hands in Rebecca’s and let her hold them.  
  
“Tell me what’s going on,” said Rebecca. Her tone was gentle but forceful, Jillian knew that she had to come clean.  
  
Jillian focussed her attention on their hands, finding herself unable to make eye contact with her mother. “I didn’t want to be weird,” she mumbled.  
  
“You’re not weird,” said Rebecca firmly. “Why do you think your glasses would make you weird?”  
  
“Because,” said Jillian. She hesitated before relinquishing her answer, “The boys said it was weird.”  
  
“Ah,” said Rebecca. “Jillian, please listen to me, you are not weird. Just because some other children said it, that doesn’t make it true. Do you understand that?”  
  
Jillian didn’t answer.  
  
Rebecca sighed, “Do remember our talk about bullying?”  
  
Jillian nodded.  
  
“Do you think maybe those boys were being bullies?” Rebecca asked.  
  
Jillian thought about it for a moment, then slowly and unsurely, she nodded.  
  
“I think so too,” Rebecca agreed with her, making Jillian feel more secure in the answer she’d given.  
  
“Who were the boys?” Miss Oliver interrupted. “Was one of them Chaz, is that why you hurt him?”  
  
Jillian shook her head, “I don’t know. I can’t remember. Not Chaz though.”  
  
Both women in the room looked confused. “So,” Rebecca asked slowly, “did you hurt Chaz because you were upset and needed to take it out on something?” She began to wonder if perhaps she should look into some sort of of anger management for Jillian, if that was the case.  
  
“No,” said Jillian.  
  
“Can you tell me please Jillian?” Rebecca asked, feeling that she was close to actually getting some answers out of the girl.  
  
Jillian looked between her mother and her teacher, her cheeks grew red. She took one hand away from Rebecca’s and anxiously fiddled with one of her short little braids but did not deliver an answer.  
  
Rebecca picked it up right away though, much to Jillian’s dismay. “Your hair?” She asked. Jillian nodded. “Did he make fun of it? There’s nothing wrong with your hair.”  
  
“It’s like curly hay,” said Jillian, the words had been repeating in her head since she’d heard them.  
  
“Oh Jillian,” sighed Rebecca. “There is absolutely nothing wrong with the way you look. Those children shouldn’t be telling you otherwise, you’re perfect the way you are.”  
  
Jillian smiled a small smile. Then she stepped forward and hugged Rebecca. Rebecca picked her up, “Let’s go home now,” she said. Then she turned to Miss Oliver, “Sorry we’ve taken up so much of your time.”  
  
“It’s fine,” answered Miss Oliver. “I’ll try and figure out who the other two boys are and get them to apologise to Jillian.”  
  
Rebecca nodded, then she carried Jillian out of the classroom.  
  
  
Rebecca walked Jillian all the way into the classroom the next day. She went and spoke to Miss Oliver about ensuring that Jillian kept her glasses on. Then after a quick goodbye to Jillian she swiftly left the room.  
  
One of the girls at Jillian’s table was staring at her. Jillian momentarily wondered if she should have asked Rebecca too braid her hair again. She tried not to look at the girl, she wasn’t going to let herself get bullied again today.  
  
“Why are your glasses yellow?” The girl asked. The girl in question also wore glasses, but of a much more common shade, being, no shade.  
  
Jillian took a deep breath, _It’s okay_ , she told herself. She wasn’t going to lose her cool this time. There was nothing wrong with her.  
  
“They look so cool,” the girl continued in excitement.  
  
_Oh,_ Jillian looked up her. “Really?”  
  
“Yeah, I wish my glasses were yellow,” the girl said. “Or pink!”  
  
The other girl at their table overheard their conversation and joined in as well.  
  
By home time Jillian had decided that she did, in fact, like school after all and she was so excited to tell Rebecca all about her day when she got picked up. Rebecca was glad that Jillian was happy again, but she did wish that the girl knew how to take a breath between sentences, she had to listen to Jillian’s non-stop talking the whole drive home and then well into the afternoon. 


	26. The First Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rebecca and Jillian meet for the very first time. 
> 
> April 1984

  
There was an annoying and repetitive sound that was keeping Rebecca from enjoying her slumber. She groaned and covered her head with her pillow. Then someone started to gently shake her awake.  
  
“Becs,” a voice whispered into the darkness of the room.  
  
Rebecca noticed with relief that the noise had stopped. She removed the pillow. June was hovering over her.  “I hate when you call me that,” Rebecca mumbled.  
  
June grinned at her, “Your brother in law is on the phone.”  
  
Rebecca looked at the alarm clock on the bedside table, “Why is he calling at three in the morning?”  
  
June just shoved the phone into Rebecca’s hands.  
  
“Hello?” Rebecca said into the phone.  
  
She listened to the voice on the other end of the phone while looking at June. June, who had already figured out what the phone call must be about, was excitedly grinning at her and toying with the phone cord that had been pulled across her so Rebecca could reach the phone.  
  
“Okay, thank you,” said Rebecca. She handed the phone back to June. June put it on the cradle and looked expectantly at Rebecca.  
  
“Lisa is in labour,” Rebecca relinquished the much anticipated information.  
  
June almost squealed. “I thought she wasn’t due for another month? Are you going to the hospital now?”  
  
Rebecca nodded, “It’s three weeks early, and yes, I promised her I’d be there.” She got out of bed and slowly began pulling on her trousers.  
  
“You’re going to be an aunt, that’s so exciting,” said June.  
  
Rebecca adjusted her belt and looked at her, “This isn’t new information, we’ve known that Lisa is pregnant for a while now.”  
  
“Yeah, but the baby’s going to be here soon,” said June with a smile. “And you’re going to be Aunty Rebecca. Aunty Becky? Is that easier for a kid to say?”  
  
“If anyone tries to call me that, yourself included, I will lock them in a particle accelerator,” said Rebecca as she pulled on her shirt and began to button it.  
  
“You wouldn’t!” June said.  
  
“Try me,” Rebecca replied with no humour in her voice. She put on her bolo tie and sat down on the end of the bed to pull on her socks. “Besides, don’t forget, you’ll be the baby’s aunt too.”  
  
June beamed at that.  
  
“You can take the car,” June offered.  
  
“You have work today, it’s fine, I’ll get a taxi,” said Rebecca.  
  
June dismissed her, “Take the car, I’ll call Clark and get him to pick me up on his way in.”  
  
“All right,” Rebecca agreed. “Thank you.” She was ready to go so she gave June a quick kiss goodbye, “I’ll call you later,” she promised.  
  
  
It didn’t take Rebecca long to drive to the hospital and find her way to Lisa’s room. Lisa was pacing the length of the room and Tobias was talking to a midwife in the hallway. Rebecca nodded a greeting to him as she passed and then knocked on the door to let Lisa know that she was there. Lisa looked up at Rebecca and smiled, then her face fell.  
  
“Everything okay?” Rebecca asked in concern.  
  
Lisa nodded, “Maybe you should sit down.”  
  
“Why?”  
  
“I just have something to tell you and I don’t think you’ll like it,” said Lisa.  
  
“What is it?” Rebecca asked without moving.  
  
Lisa sighed, “Mom’s coming.”  
  
“What?” Rebecca definitely sounded mad.  
  
“I promised I’d call her to let her know when the baby was coming, which I did, but now she’s changed her mind about being here when it’s born. I tried to convince to her not to come but she’s already on the plane,” Lisa said defensively. “Please promise me you’ll stay.”  
  
Rebecca looked torn, but then she nodded, “I’ll stay, but don’t expect me to interact with her.”  
  
Lisa looked relieved, then she doubled over in pain. Rebecca hurried to her, but then when she got there she didn’t know what to do, so she just stood awkwardly beside her sister until she righted herself again.  
  
“Contraction,” Lisa explained.  
  
Rebecca nodded.  
  
Tobias entered the room, “Hey Rebecca.”  
  
“I just had another one,” said Lisa.  
  
Tobias looked at his watch, “That’s thirty minutes since the last one.”  
  
Lisa nodded and awkwardly sat down on the bed. She looked at Rebecca, “Have you heard back from CERN yet?” Tobias sat behind her on the other side of the bed and gently massaged her back.  
  
“Is now the time to be having a conversation?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“Sure, the baby’s ages away from being born, we’re not gonna to sit in silence ’til it gets here,” said Lisa. “Pull up a seat.”  
  
Rebecca took a chair and scooted it closer to the bed.  
  
“So, have you heard back yet? How long ago did you apply there? Was it November?” Lisa asked.  
  
Rebecca nodded, “Actually I heard back from them yesterday.”  
  
“And..?”  
  
“They were impressed with my application, but they didn’t want me,” Rebecca replied.  
  
“Oh, I’m sorry,” said Lisa.  
  
Rebecca smiled, “It’s fine. I think I’ll start applying for lecturing positions at a university.”  
  
“No!” Lisa protested, “You’re too talented for that.”  
  
“Isn’t that what you do?” Rebecca teased.  
  
“Yeah, but you’re better than that. CERN should take you,” said Lisa.  
  
“I’ve found that after you blow up a lab nobody is really interested in hiring you,” Rebecca stated blandly. That shut the conversation down.  
  
“I’ll put in a good word for you at MIT,” promised Lisa quietly after a few moments of silence.  
  
“Thank you,” said Rebecca.  
  
“I need to stand up again,” said Lisa she got off the bed with a big huff of exertion. She turned back to look at her sister and husband, “I’m just going to go for a wander down the hall.”  
  
“Want me to come with you?” Tobias asked.  
  
Lisa shook her head, “Stay and keep Rebecca company.”  
  
“I don’t need-“ Rebecca interjected.  
  
“Yeah you do,” said Lisa. She didn’t offer any reasons for her statement, instead she just left the room.  
  
“So,” said Rebecca, trying to make conversation, “everything ready for the baby?”  
  
Tobias nodded, “Except for the crib. We were supposed to be picking it up tomorrow.”  
  
“I can pick it up for you,” said Rebecca.  
  
“Thanks.”  
  
Lisa returned, “There’s a vending machine out there with Pringles in it. I _need_ some,” she declared.  
  
Tobias hopped off the bed, accepting his mission.  
  
“Can you eat while you’re in labour?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“Don’t think I’m really supposed to,” answered Lisa, “but some is okay, and I need this.”  
  
Rebecca knew better than to argue with her sister. Tobias returned with the snack. As it turned out Lisa could only eat two of them. She stashed away the container for later snacking.  
  
  
Hours passed and the contractions got closer together.  
  
Then their mother arrived. Eileen was a very imposing woman, and her presence was made known before she even entered the room. Rebecca could hear her arguing with a nurse in the hallway.  
  
“Hide me,” Rebecca said sombrely to Tobias.  
  
Tobias, who at that point was very tired and frazzled, took her seriously and tried to shield Rebecca with his body. Rebecca rolled her eyes. Eileen entered the room.  
  
“Lisa!” She said in greeting to her younger daughter. “Where are we at? How far away is the baby? Are the contractions close? Are you dilated enough yet?”  
  
Eileen hadn’t seen Rebecca yet.  
  
Tobias answered, “In answer to all your questions, still a bit to go yet.”  
  
Eileen looked at him when he answered her. Then she noticed her other daughter.  
  
“Oh,” she said, straightening up. “You’re here.”  
  
“Eileen,” Rebecca nodded her greeting, trying to be as amicable as possible, for Lisa’s sake.  
  
Eileen hummed and turned to Tobias, “Are your parents coming?”  
  
“They couldn’t book an earlier flight, they’re in stuck in Leipzig until tomorrow night,” answered Tobias.  
  
“That’s a shame,” said Eileen, sounding like a bad actor trying to play sympathetic. She proceeded to obviously ignore Rebecca for the majority of the morning.  
  


* * *

  
  
Tobias had fallen asleep in his chair and Eileen had gone outside for a smoke. Rebecca sat with Lisa, holding her hand through yet another contraction.  
  
“Bec?” Lisa said tiredly, once the contraction had passed.  
  
Rebecca looked at her, usually Lisa would get a more severe look for calling her by that particular moniker, but Rebecca was being a little lenient, given her current situation.  
  
“Tobias and I were wondering if you’d be the baby’s godmother?” Lisa asked.  
  
Rebecca was flattered at the sentiment, but she said, “I’m not religious.”  
  
“I know that,” replied Lisa. “But, we want you to be there, like, if anything ever happened to us, and someone else had to take care of the baby.”  
  
“Do you mean a testamentary guardian?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“What’s that?”  
  
“That’s what you’re describing, like a godmother but without the religious connotations,” Rebecca replied.  
  
“Why do you know that?” Lisa asked.  
  
Rebecca shrugged, too tired to give a verbal answer, and also because she didn’t know why she knew that. Lisa squeezed her hand again as another contraction passed. Rebecca was glad that she’d offered her non-dominant hand to her sister, she felt for sure that a bone would snap soon.  
  
“So will you?” Lisa asked.  
  
Rebecca nodded, “Of course I will, but I can’t promise that I’ll be a very good guardian, you know I don’t like children.”  
  
“You’ll like this one,” said Lisa with confidence. Rebecca just smiled, she didn’t believe her. “Thank you,” said Lisa, “I trust you more than anyone else to raise her if anything ever happened.”  
  
Rebecca felt herself blush, she was thoroughly flattered even though she didn’t think she’d make a good parent at all. A nurse came in then and the moment was lost.  
  
She quickly checked over Lisa and declared that it was time.  
  
Rebecca woke up Tobias and informed him, he looked panicked. Eileen returned to the room shortly after that, looking a bit more elated than before and Rebecca suspected that it wasn’t just tobacco that she’d gone outside to smoke.  
  
Almost an hour passed and then the midwife called in a doctor who after looking at what the midwife pointed out announced that the baby was in the wrong position.  
  
“What does that mean?” Tobias asked in alarm.  
  
“Baby is sideways,” explained the midwife. “Now, I can try and turn it and we can continue vaginally, but it would be my recommendation for a Caesarean section.”  
  
They opted for the latter. The medical staff would only allow one other person in the room, so Tobias went with Lisa, and Rebecca and Eileen were discarded to the waiting room.  
  
Rebecca sat down first and then Eileen sat with three chairs separating them. Rebecca made no comment. Instead she propped her elbows on her knees and rested her head in her hands, she was exhausted. Eileen pretended not to be paying any attention to her, but watched her out of the corner of her eye. After shutting her eyes for less than a minute Rebecca leaned back in her chair and checked her watch. June would be on her way home from work, Rebecca had already located the pay phone and planned to call her when she knew she’d be home.  
  
Rebecca could feel herself being watched, she slowly turned around in her chair to face Eileen, who was watching her quite obviously now.  
  
“Can I help you?” Rebecca asked dryly.  
  
“Is that any way to talk to your mother?” Eileen asked.  
  
“I don’t have a mother,” Rebecca said bitterly.  
  
If Eileen was hurt by the words it did not show. “I’m about to become a grandmother,” said Eileen, “the least you could do would be to act civil towards me.”  
  
“I am acting civil,” Rebecca replied.  
  
Eileen waved a dismissive hand and picked up a magazine. Rebecca shut her eyes and tried to get some rest.  
  
She must have fallen asleep because the next thing she knew she was being startled awake when someone shifted next to her. She opened her eyes, Eileen had moved into the chair beside her. Rebecca looked at her with a raised eyebrow.  
  
“Are you still with that woman?” Eileen asked.  
  
Rebecca glared at her, “You’re not entitled to know anything about my life.”  
  
“I’m your mother, of course I am,” replied Eileen.  
  
“No, you’re not,” said Rebecca firmly. She looked at her watch, June would be home now. Rebecca stood up and left Eileen sitting by herself while she went to the payphone.  
  
  
June answered the phone right away, “Did she have the baby yet?”  
  
“Not yet,” answered Rebecca.  
  
“Shit, it’s been like,” June paused as she quickly counted in her head, “sixteen hours.”  
  
“It won’t be much longer, they’ve taken her in for a Caesarean section,” Rebecca replied.  
  
“Oh good. Good that the baby’s nearly here, I mean. Poor Lisa though, she must be exhausted,” said June.  
  
“She is,” Rebecca replied.  
  
“Have you eaten?” June asked, knowing that Rebecca often forgot to eat when she was preoccupied.  
  
“I had a sandwich from the cafeteria,” Rebecca answered.  
  
“Good. I’ll put some dinner in the fridge for you for when you get home,” said June.  
  
“Thank you.” Rebecca hesitated. Then she said, “Eileen is here.”  
  
“Oh crap,” said June.  
  
“My thoughts exactly,” Rebecca responded.  
  
“Is she behaving? Do you want me to come and arrest her? I’ll do it,” said June.  
  
Rebecca smiled at the thought, “She’s almost tolerable. I just hope she isn’t planning on staying in town for too long.”  
  
“I’m sorry babe,” said June. “It must be rough with her there right now.”  
  
“Thank you,” said Rebecca. She turned around and saw the doctor walking toward her. “Oh, I think the baby’s here.”  
  
“I’ll let you go. Love you Becs,” said June.  
  
“You too,” Rebecca hung up just as the doctor approached her.  
  
“Lisa has asked for you first,” he said with a smile. “She’s tired, but she and the baby are doing well.”  
  
Rebecca followed him into Lisa’s room. The small bundle in Lisa’s arms seemed to light up the room. Rebecca felt drawn to it, _Okay_ , she thought, _maybe I will like this one particular child_. She entered the room and sat down on the empty chair beside the bed. Tobias was sitting on the bed behind Lisa, who was leaning against him, utterly exhausted, they were both looking affectionately at their newest family member.  
  
Rebecca looked expectantly at her sister. Lisa looked up from the baby and beamed at her, “Rebecca, I’d like to introduce you to Jillian Marie Holtzmann.”  
  
From where Rebecca was sitting she could see the baby girl’s tiny features. Every single one was absolutely perfect. Her eyes were closed and she looked so blissful and calm. Rebecca was blown away by just how small she was; she already knew that she loved Jillian with every fibre of her being. “Hello Jillian, I’m very pleased to meet you,” Rebecca said to the baby.  
  
Jillian’s eyelids fluttered but did not open. She snuggled closer to the warmth of her mother’s chest. Rebecca couldn’t stop herself from smiling.  
  
Eileen had entered the room but Rebecca barely took any notice of her, she was watching Jillian and was just completely absorbed in her tiny little world. Lisa’s eyes began to open and close slowly, she was starting to fall asleep. Rebecca excused herself and promised to visit the next day once everyone had gotten some rest.    
  
  
Rebecca came back early the next morning with June in tow. It was just Lisa there with the midwife, and Jillian, of course. Lisa was trying to get Jillian latch on to breastfeed and was looking very tired and frustrated. She looked up from her daughter when she saw Rebecca and June at the door. The midwife murmured something to Lisa who nodded in response. The breastfeeding challenge was postponed and Lisa smiled invitingly at her sister and June.  
  
June was pretty excited about the whole thing. “Hey Lees,” she said cheerily.  
  
“Hi June. Rebecca,” Lisa greeted them. “June, this is Jillian.”  
  
“Hey Jill,” said June casually.  
  
The pair walked into the room and each took a seat. Rebecca looked around anxiously.  
  
“Mom’s not here,” said Lisa. “Dad visited this morning and scared her off.”  
  
Rebecca looked relieved.  
  
“Do you want to hold her?” Lisa continued.  
  
“I can’t,” said Rebecca. “I’ll break her, she’s too small.”  
  
June laughed.  
  
“You won’t break her,” smiled Lisa. Then without giving Rebecca any further chance to protest she gently placed Jillian in Rebecca’s arms.  
  
Rebecca, who felt unprepared for this moment, gently shifted her arm to support the infant’s head, that was the one thing she could remember that you were supposed to do with babies. Jillian made a soft cooing sound and wiggled comfortably in Rebecca’s arms. Her eyes were mostly closed and Rebecca worried that she’d disturb her if she moved at all, so she sat as still as she could.  
  
“You look good,” smiled June.  
  
“Don’t get any ideas,” Rebecca said sternly.  
  
“Aww, come on Rebecca, I bet Jill would love a little cousin to play with,” joked Lisa.  
  
Rebecca glared at her and was about to retort when Lisa interrupted her. “You can’t be mean to me! I just had a baby, I’m recuperating,” she said quickly.  
  
Rebecca rolled her eyes and ignored her as she looked at Jillian. Jillian blinked and opened her eyes. She was staring keenly at Rebecca. Rebecca couldn’t believe how blue her irises were. She was distracted from the moment when she saw a flash and she looked up to see June holding a camera.  
  
“You promised you weren’t going to bring that,” said Rebecca in annoyance.  
  
June shrugged and put the camera in her pocket, “I lied.”  
  
“Don’t take any more,” said Rebecca. She didn’t like getting her photo taken.  
  
“Can’t,” said June. “That was the last of the film.”  
  
“Good,” said Rebecca. Jillian started to fuss and Rebecca didn’t know what to do, she looked at Lisa.  
  
Lisa looked barely awake, Rebecca thought better of returning the child to her. Instead she gently held Jillian closer to her and murmured softly at her, “Hey now. Don’t cry Jillian, you’re better than that.”  
  
Jillian looked at her, of course she didn’t understand what she’d just been told but she seemed to obey Rebecca’s request and she started to settle. Jillian reached out her tiny hand and Rebecca didn’t know why but she stroked the infant’s palm with her index finger. Jillian wrapped her tiny fingers around it and held on tight. In the background Rebecca could hear June cooing, but she barely noticed as she watched Jillian’s little features.  
  
Yes, this was one child that she was definitely going to love; she already did.  
  



	27. Age 14: Home Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This one was requested by lezbianic.
> 
> Jillian’s first time home alone
> 
> August 1998

The sound of someone knocking on her bedroom door drew Jillian out of the deep study state she was in. Jillian was working on her AP Maths homework. She looked up to see Rebecca standing in the doorway.

“May I speak to you for a moment?” Rebecca asked.

“Sure,” said Jillian. She stretched her arms and back, she’d been hunched over her desk for a good hour at least.

“I’ve been asked to attend a conference in New York next month,” Rebecca said.  
  
“Oh cool,” said Jillian.

“It’s only over a weekend, I’ll get there Saturday morning and be home by Sunday night,” Rebecca told her.

Jillian picked up on Rebecca’s use of the word I. “Where will _I_ be?” Jillian asked.

“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about,” said Rebecca. “You’re old enough now that I think I can leave you here, by yourself. If you’re comfortable with that of course.”

Jillian’s eyes lit up, having the entire apartment to herself? Oh the possibilities. “Really?” She asked.

Rebecca nodded, “I trust you to be responsible for yourself for one night.”  
  
“I will be,” said Jillian eagerly.

“You’ve got an orthodontist appointment that Saturday, will you be comfortable going there by yourself or should I reschedule it?” Rebecca asked.

“I can do it,” Jillian said firmly, determined to prove to Rebecca that she was a responsible young adult.

“Okay, good,” Rebecca smiled. “This will be good.” She mostly said the second sentence to reassure herself.

* * *

Rebecca was picked up from their apartment early in the morning by one of her colleagues; Jillian wasn’t even awake yet to say goodbye. They’d already said their goodbyes the night before, Rebecca knew Jillian’s tendency to sleep heavily and she knew she wouldn’t be waking up that early in the morning.

Jillian didn’t wake up until almost lunchtime that day. She had just enough time to make herself some lunch and maybe work a little on an idea she had brewing in her mind before she needed to catch the bus to the orthodontist.

Jillian took great liberties with her meal considering the fact that Rebecca wasn’t there to tell her not to. Her first course was ice cream which was followed by a dessert of leftover Halloween candy from the previous year (she’d found it in her sock drawer, and perhaps any other person may have questioned the condition of such old candy, however Jillian did not).

Then she was on to her project. She was trying to make a switch that she could connect to her wall by her bed so she could turn her ceiling light on and off without have to get out of bed. Now was the perfect time to do it because Rebecca had already told her not to mess with the wiring in their apartment. Jillian didn’t see why she had issues with it, considering Rebecca had recently bought the building and become the landlord. Maybe it had something to do with safety? Jillian wasn’t really listening to that particular lecture. Jillian quickly became absorbed in her project and before she knew it the natural light in the room began to fade as the sun went down. She was finally distracted from what she was doing when she heard the phone ring.

Rather than answer the phone in the kitchen Jillian went into Rebecca’s room and answered the one that was kept in there. She threw herself down on the bed before lifting the phone off its cradle.

“Hello, this is Sir Jillian of Longwood, with which other knight am I speaking to?” Jillian answered.

“Jillian,” Rebecca snapped. “Don’t answer the phone like that!”

Jillian gulped, _Oops_. “Hey Mom,” she said, she sat up and corrected her posture, even though she knew Rebecca couldn’t see her.

“What are you doing?” Rebecca asked.

“Talking on the phone to you,” Jillian answered. She imagined Rebecca rolling her eyes.

“That was clearly not what I meant. Have you eaten yet?” Rebecca asked.

“No, why what’s the time?” Jillian asked, she leaned over the other side of the bed to look at Rebecca’s clock.

“It’s just gone eight,” Rebecca answered. “Can you promise me you’ll eat the dinner I left for you after we finish speaking.”

“Sir, yes sir,” Jillian saluted.  
  
“Neither of us has been knighted Jillian,” said Rebecca. “Can you please stop saying ‘sir’?”  
  
“Sorry ma’am,” Jillian answered.  
  
Rebecca ignored her, “How did you go at the orthodontist today?”  
  
Jillian froze. She’d forgotten.  
  
“Jillian?” Rebecca prompted when Jillian didn’t reply.

“Did you have any trouble scheduling your next appointment?” Rebecca asked.

“Ummm,” Jillian stalled, trying to think of a way to get around this one.

Rebecca could see right through her. “You forgot to go, didn’t you?” Rebecca asked humourlessly.

“I remembered,” said Jillian. “At first...and then I forgot.” Jillian heard Rebecca sigh heavily in disappointment. “I’m sorry,” she said weakly. “I got distracted.”  
  
“Of course you did,” Rebecca’s voice sounded hard.

“I’m really sorry.”

Another sigh. “I know you are Jillian,” said Rebecca. “But this was also your chance to prove to me that you can be responsible for yourself.”

“I did bad,” Jillian conceded sorrowfully.  
  
“What were you doing that was so distracting?” Rebecca asked.

Jillian couldn’t tell her the truth, then Rebecca would know that she’d been fiddling with the wiring in the apartment and Jillian would get in even more trouble. “Just homework,” she answered after a moment’s thought.

“Well, at least you’ve done _one_ thing you were supposed to do,” said Rebecca.

Jillian made a mental note to _actually_ do her homework once this phone conversation was over.

“How’s everything else going?” Rebecca asked. “Are you doing okay on your own?”  
  
“Yeah, fine,” answered Jillian.  
  
“Did you remember to lock the front door?” Rebecca asked.

“Yes,” Jillian answered. She hadn’t, but she also hadn’t left the apartment all day, so she figured the door would still be locked from when Rebecca had undoubtedly locked it that morning.

The conversation drew to a close, Rebecca gave Jillian the number of her hotel room in case she needed anything and then they said their farewells.

After she hung up, Jillian went into her bedroom to get a start on her homework. She did eventually remember to eat her dinner a few hours later.

By the time she had showered and gotten ready for bed it was well past midnight. Rebecca never let her stay up this late. She tucked herself into her bed with a big yawn. She was so tired she expected that she’d fall asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow. But she didn’t.

Jillian lay wide awake in bed listening to the sounds of the empty apartment. She could swear that she could hear footsteps coming from the kitchen and began to wonder if perhaps the apartment was haunted.

Was that someone standing in the corner of her room? With her heart beating fast she switched on her lamp. No, it was just a pile of clothes draped over her dresser. Regardless, Jillian was freaked out. She left her room and opted to sleep in Rebecca’s bedroom with the light on. She snuggled down under the covers and tried to get to sleep.

The pillow smelled like her mom, making Jillian realise that she did actually miss her being here. Then she felt like a baby for wanting her mom. She was supposed to be being grown up. The wind howled through the window, which was open just the tiniest bit. Jillian shuddered, how had she never noticed how scary the apartment was before? Maybe she should call Rebecca? Just to make sure she was doing okay without her. Yeah, she should definitely do that.

Rebecca was awoken by the phone ringing. She looked at the clock beside it and immediately began to panic when she saw that it was two in the morning.

“Hello?” She asked quickly.  
  
“Hey Mom,” said Jillian, trying to sound chipper.  
  
“Are you okay?” Rebecca asked with worry.  
  
“Umm, yep. Fine. Doing good,” said Jillian.  


“Why are you calling?”  
  
“Just...wanted to chat,” said Jillian.

Rebecca’s relief at the fact that there was nothing wrong was instantly replaced by annoyance at the fact that Jillian was calling her so early in the morning, “You supposed to be asleep Jillian.”

“I know that,” said Jillian sounding genuinely sheepish.  
  
“Then why aren’t you?” Rebecca asked.

“Do you believe in ghosts?” Jillian asked. She eyed the bedroom doorway, suddenly wishing that she’d shut it so she wasn’t staring out at the dark hallway.

“There’s no substantiated evidence to prove their existence,” said Rebecca.

“I know that,” said Jillian. “But what do you think? Ghosts, real or not?”

“Not,” said Rebecca. “But I’ll happily change that answer if it’s ever proved wrong.”

“I think they’re real,” said Jillian.

“Why are we having this conversation?”

“Do you think our apartment could be haunted?” Jillian asked.

“No.”

“I can hear something moving around in the kitchen,” said Jillian.

“It’s late. Your mind is probably just playing tricks on you. You need to go to sleep,” said Rebecca.

“I can’t Mom. There’s a ghost in the kitchen,” said Jillian.

“There isn’t,” said Rebecca.

“There is,” Jillian insisted.

“Well, let’s suppose there _is_ a ghost in the kitchen,” Rebecca said, changing tack. “What would I be able to do about it from another state?”

Jillian thought for a moment, “I’m not sure. All I know is that usually you’re here and there are no ghosts, but now you’re not here and there most definitely is a ghost.”

Rebecca sighed and rubbed her eyes, it was too early in the morning for this kind of conversation, “Jillian, if you’re scared why don’t you just sleep with the light on?”

“I’m not scared,” said Jillian defensively. “Besides, the light’s already on.”

“I’m sorry Jillian, there’s not much that I can do to help you,” Rebecca said. “I’m sorry you’re scared, but—“

“I’m not scared,” Jillian repeated insistently.  
  
“If you’re not scared, then why is a ghost being there a problem?” Rebecca asked.

Jillian thought about it, maybe she was scared... “Because,” she finally answered, “it shouldn’t be here. It didn’t ask if it could be here.”

“Maybe it was there before we were,” said Rebecca, still not believing there was a ghost but wanting to get back to sleep.

 "I hadn’t thought of that,” admitted Jillian.

“Well, consider this,” suggested Rebecca. “It probably _was_ here first, and you’ve lived in the apartment for eleven years without it bothering you, why would it start now?”

“I don’t know,” said Jillian.

“Well, as long as you don’t go in the kitchen until morning I’m sure you’ll be fine,” said Rebecca. “Why don’t you try to get some sleep?”

“Okay,” said Jillian warily.

“Good night Jillian, I’ll see you tomorrow evening,” said Rebecca.

“Night,” said Jillian. Rebecca hung up.

Jillian didn’t feel any less scared. She hid her head under the covers and eventually fell asleep.

Jillian was still alive the next morning and everything seemed a lot less scary by the light of the day. She went back to her own bedroom to get dressed before she began work on her light switch project again.

She was adding a circuit underneath her light switch that, if all went according to plan, would allow the switch to flick up and down when she pressed the button that she’d already installed beside her bed. Of course she probably should have turned the power off before she started.

She accidentally caught her pliers on an exposed wire; it sparked viciously. One of the sparks hit her forearm.

“Ouch!” Jillian exclaimed. She was examining the damage to her arm (a small burn, barely the size of a pinprick) when she smelled the smoke. A spark must have hit her carpet and started a small fire.

“Shit!” Jillian swore, she wasn’t allowed to swear but she couldn’t stop herself given the circumstance.

She wished she was wearing her boots so she could stomp it out immediately. Instead she dashed to the kitchen and grabbed the fire extinguisher. She quickly doused the flames. Then she had to sit down, she felt shaky as adrenaline pumped through her system. She watched as the foam fizzed away leaving behind a wet patch over the charred section carpet. Luckily it had gone no further than the carpet and the floor beneath was fine. Jillian wasn’t sure how she was going to explain the dinner plate sized burn on her carpet to Rebecca.

Jillian quickly finished adding the circuit, she was nearly done anyway. Then she reattached the light switch to the wall. She didn’t test to see if it worked. She only had an hour and a half until Rebecca got home and she needed to figure out what to do with the ruined carpet. She figured she should also wash her dishes from dinner the night before so Rebecca didn’t get more upset. She stared at the patch of carpet, hoping her genius brain would think of something quickly. It did not. She settled for washing the dishes first while she thought of a plan. She felt jittery and nervous. Should she tell Rebecca or should she try to get away with it without telling her? Because her genius brain wasn’t always that smart she decided to hide the evidence.

_It would be easier_ , Jillian thought, _if this weren’t right in the front of the door, then I could just rearrange my room and put the bed over the top of it_. Jillian figured that Rebecca would probably make her move it right back again if she put her bed directly behind the door. She thought maybe a rug would work, but where could she get a rug at such short notice?

Then she heard a sound come from the other room and froze. Was that ghost back again?

“Jillian! It’s me,” it was Rebecca.

Jillian bounced anxiously out of her bedroom, “You’re home early,” she commented.

Rebecca kicked off her boots and put them on the shoe rack. “No I’m not,” she said, “I told you’d I’d be home at 5.30.”

Jillian looked at her watch, “My watch says it’s 4.”

“Your watch must be wrong, I’ll have a look at it later for you” said Rebecca. “Why does it matter that I’m home now and not later?” She looked around the kitchen, dining, and living area of the apartment surveying for damage, everything seemed to be in its proper place.

“It doesn’t matter,” said Jillian quickly. “I was just making an observation.”

“All right,” said Rebecca, she sounded suspicious. She took the handle of her small suitcase and started to wheel it towards her bedroom. “How did you go with our ghost problem?”

“Fine,” said Jillian. “It didn’t bother me. You should keep an ear out tonight though, it might come back.”

“We’ll see,” said Rebecca.

Jillian followed her into the bedroom. Rebecca put the suitcase on her bed, intending to unpack it later, she was desperate for a coffee. Jillian appeared to be loitering.

“Everything okay?” Rebecca asked. Jillian didn’t usually follow her around like this.

Momentarily, Jillian wondered if she should just tell the truth and get it over with, but most of her was too scared of how Rebecca might react. Sure, she’d caused damage to her things before, but never with an accidental fire. “Yeah, fine. I just missed you,” Jillian said, at least that wasn’t a lie.

Rebecca smiled, “I missed you too,” she said. “I’m going to make myself a coffee, why don’t you join me and you can tell me all about your weekend.”

“Can I have a coffee?” Jillian asked.

“No you may not, but I’ll make you a hot chocolate if you want something to drink,” said Rebecca.

“Sure,” said Jillian, “thanks. I’m just going to get something from my room really quick, I’ll meet you in the kitchen.” She dashed off.

Rebecca thought that was odd. As she walked past Jillian’s room she tried to peek in to see what the teenager was doing but Jillian had shut the door. Rebecca continued on her way to the kitchen to prepare their drinks.

Jillian’s heart was racing in panic, she needed to come up with a solution fast. Then she had an idea. Rebecca always complained when her room got too messy that she couldn’t even see the floor. So that was the perfect solution, mess her room up and hide the carpet. As quickly as she could Jillian opened her drawers and let her clothes spill out onto the floor, making sure to cover the damaged patch of carpet.

Then as cooly as she could, she walked out into the kitchen. Rebecca looked her up and down as she handed her the drink.

“What did you have to get?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“What?”  
  
“Don’t say what,” said Rebecca. “You said you were getting something from your room.”

“Sorry,” Jillian said, “Umm, I just put some socks on.”

Rebecca thought that sounded like an excuse, but she hadn’t noticed whether Jillian had been wearing socks prior to her going to her room, so she gave her the benefit of the doubt and accepted the answer. They sat down at the kitchen table.

“Did you remember your dinner after we spoke last night?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“Yep,” said Jillian, glad that she wasn’t being interrogated for her strange behaviour.

“You remembered to wash the dishes then?” Rebecca sounded surprised, she’d noticed there were no dishes on the bench so she’d assumed that Jillian had either forgotten to eat or had eaten somewhere that she shouldn’t have (like her bedroom) and left the dishes in there.

“Yep,” Jillian repeated, pleased with herself.

Rebecca smiled, “Excellent. That shows me that you were able to use _some_ responsibility after your botched attempt yesterday.”

She felt a fresh wave of guilt flow over her. “I’m sorry I forgot about my appointment,” said Jillian.

“I’ll admit that I’m not impressed with you for doing that, but we’ve already discussed it, you need not apologise again,” said Rebecca.  
  
“Okay,” said Jillian.  
  
“What did you do today?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“Just stuff,” said Jillian. She decided to quickly change the subject, “How was your trip?”

The distraction worked, Rebecca was pleasantly surprised that Jillian had remembered to ask her about it and she filled her in on all of the details that she thought Jillian would be interested in.

 

 

Later that night just before Jillian’s bedtime Rebecca knocked on her bedroom door. Jillian called for her to come in. She sat up from her reclined position on her bed and anxiously waited, fearing Rebecca might take it upon herself to pick some of the things up from her floor and reveal the damage she’d caused.

Rebecca surveyed the room, “This room is disgusting Jillian,” she commented. “Can you please clean this tomorrow after school?”

“Sure,” said Jillian dismissively. It hadn’t even occurred to her that Rebecca would probably ask her to pick her stuff up. She was going to need to come up with a new solution.

Rebecca stepped around Jillian’s mess and made her way to the bed, she sat down on the end of it. Jillian waited to see what it was she’d come in to talk about.

“I just wanted to let you know how proud I am of you,” said Rebecca. “You’ve shown me that you’re able to take care of yourself and that you’re responsible enough to be left on your own without me having to worry that you’re going to burn the building down.”

Jillian chuckled nervously, did she know what had happened or was that a phrase people used? She realised Rebecca was waiting for her to say something. “Thanks,” she said, that guilty feeling was returning to her stomach, she shouldn’t be lying to Rebecca, that wasn’t what responsible people did at all. She tried to bury the urge to come clean.

Rebecca started to talk again but Jillian wasn’t listening. Her conscience was fighting her sense of self-preservation, and it was winning.

“Mom, I messed up,” said Jillian, interrupting whatever it was that Rebecca was saying.  
  
Rebecca stopped talking. “What did you do?” She asked sternly.

_Whoops_ , thought Jillian, she hadn’t meant to say anything. It was too late to take it back. Rebecca was watching her, waiting for an answer.

“Umm, I wrecked the carpet,” said Jillian. She pointed at the pile of clothes that were covering the damage, “and I tried to hide it.”

Rebecca sighed, “Jillian, messes can be cleaned. You should have told me. What did you spill?”

Jillian bit her lip nervously, “Um, I didn’t spill anything,” she said, looking at her hands in her lap, “I kinda...” she couldn’t say, she felt too bad.

Rebecca stood up and walked to the place where Jillian had pointed, realising she’d get the answers faster if she just investigated for herself. She lifted up the clothes, saw the damage, shook her head, and then looked at Jillian.

She looked mad, “What the hell did you do?”

Jillian wanted to hide under the covers like she had from the ghost last night, “I didn’t do it on purpose.”

“No,” said Rebecca. She dropped the clothes and walked to Jillian, she didn’t sit down again, instead she towered over the girl. “I know you didn’t do it on purpose, why would you? I asked you _what_ you did.”

“Umm,” Jillian hesitated, she realised this was a lot worse than admitting that she’d caused a fire, now she also had to explain to Rebecca that she’d messed with the wiring, something she knew very well that she wasn’t allowed to do. “IwastryingtosetupaswitchbymybedtoactivatemylightswitchandIaccidentallytouchedalivewireanditsparkedandthenIguessasparkhitthecarpet,” she said quickly.

“Excuse me?” Rebecca asked.  
  
Jillian took a deep breath, “Iwastryingtosetupaswitch—“

“No, stop. Jillian, speak slowly, I can’t understand you. And you’re already in trouble so stop trying to hide the truth from me,” said Rebecca.

Jillian gulped, “I was trying to set up a switch by my bed to activate my light switch and I accidentally touched a live wire and it sparked and then I guess the spark hit the carpet...and then poof, fire,” she made an exploding gesture with her hands.

Rebecca crossed her arms, “ _Jillian_!” It was the most mad Rebecca had ever sounded. Jillian shrunk down.

“I have _specifically_ told you that you were not to touch the wiring in this apartment. Doing so while I was not here was the absolute stupidest thing you could have done. What if you’d been electrocuted?! What if you hadn’t been able to put out the fire?!” Rebecca almost shouted. “Jillian, you could have been killed.”

“I didn’t think about that,” squeaked out Jillian.

“Of course you didn’t,” said Rebecca. “You didn’t even think to disconnect the power before messing with it. Quite frankly Jillian your actions were absolutely reckless and completely inexcusable.”  
  
“I’m sorry,” whimpered Jillian.

Rebecca shook her head, still reeling in disbelief. She walked out of the room. Jillian wanted to ask her where she was going but she was too scared. Was this it? Was Rebecca going to come back in with her adoption papers and tear them up? She’d really screwed up big time.

The funny thing was, she’d thought that Rebecca was going to be mad about the ruined carpet but she didn’t even seem to care about that.

Rebecca went out onto the balcony. She needed air; she felt like she was going to pass out. She leaned heavily against the railing and breathed in and out as steadily as she could.

She had left Jillian alone. Jillian, her sister’s daughter, whom she’d promised to take care of. She’d left her alone. Jillian had caused a fire because she was unsupervised. A fire that could have been a lot worse. Jillian could have died. Jillian could have died in exactly the same way as her mother and father. All because Rebecca left her alone. Rebecca felt like the worst mom in the world, she felt like she didn’t even deserve the title.

“Mom?” Jillian’s voice sounded tentatively from behind her. Rebecca breathed in one last breath of fresh air before turning around and embracing Jillian tightly.

It was okay. Jillian was still alive, she was still here. The carpet was ruined but Jillian was still here.

“Are you okay?” Jillian asked.

“Yes,” Rebecca pulled back, “and we need to have a talk.”

“I’m really, really sorry,” said Jillian sincerely.

Rebecca ushered her to the couch and they both sat down.

“Tell me what happened please,” said Rebecca.

“I told you already,” said Jillian.

“After the fire started, what did you do?” Rebecca asked.

“Umm, I got the fire extinguisher from the kitchen and I put it out,” said Jillian.

“You thought quickly,” Rebecca noted. “And you remembered the fire extinguisher, you remembered how to use it?”

“Yeah, you’ve only shown me like a hundred times,” said Jillian sarcastically.  
  
Rebecca gave her a look, “Don’t be rude, you’re on thin ice now Jillian.”

“You should have told me what happened immediately,” said Rebecca. “Instead you chose to lie, and to hide it from me. What was your plan? Did you think I’d never see the carpet, you know I’m the one who vacuums in your bedroom, don’t you?”

“I’m sorry, I was scared,” said Jillian. “I didn’t want you to be mad at me.”  
  
“I’m more mad because you didn’t tell me,” said Rebecca.

“I didn’t have a plan,” admitted Jillian. “I was hoping I’d come up with one before you asked me to clean my room.”

“I see,” said Rebecca. “And what about the fire extinguisher? I’ll have to get a new one now. How would I know that I’d need to replace it without you telling me?”

“I didn’t think of that,” admitted Jillian.

“Of course not,” said Rebecca. “Jillian, I have to say, I’m incredibly disappointed in you now. I put you in a position of trust when I left, I expected you to be responsible for yourself for two days.”

“I’m sorry.”

Rebecca shook her head, “It’s my fault. You clearly weren’t ready for the responsibility. I’m your mother, I should have seen that and I should never have left you.”

“Oh,” said Jillian in surprise.

“That being said,” said Rebecca. “You absolutely should not have messed around with the electricity. You put your life at risk, you’re lucky you weren’t hurt.”

Jillian decided the small burn on her arm wasn’t worth mentioning right now.

“You scared me tonight Jillian,” Rebecca said. “The thought of losing you...” she shook her head and did not complete that sentence.

Jillian ducked her head, she hated that she’d disappointed Rebecca.  
  
“Obviously you’re grounded,” said Rebecca. “I think a month will be sufficient.”  
  
“What!”  
  
Rebecca just raised an eyebrow and that was enough to shut Jillian up.  
  
“And you can clear out your room,” started Rebecca.  
  
“Oh no,” said Jillian in fear, “you’re kicking me out?!”

“What? No, of course not Jillian. I would never kick you out,” said Rebecca, horrified at the suggestion.

“Then why am I clearing out my room?” Jillian asked.

“Because we’re going to have to pull the carpet up,” Rebecca explained. “Jillian, I’m never going to kick you out. Do you understand that? Nothing you do could make me do that. Have I ever done anything to make you feel insecure in your home here?” She asked seriously.

“No,” said Jillian. “I just...if you were my biological mom then you’d have to put up with my shit, wouldn’t you? But since you just signed a piece of paper to get me, couldn’t you just tear it up if I was too much?”

“Oh Jillian,” sighed Rebecca. “First of all, that’s not all I did to get you, but no, I’m never going to tear that piece of paper up. You’re my daughter and I love you, you will always have a home with me, okay? You could never, ever do anything to change that. Do you understand that?”

“Okay,” said Jillian quietly. “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure,” said Rebecca, “I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.”

Jillian smiled.

“Are you okay?” Rebecca asked.

Jillian nodded, “Yeah.”

“Good,” said Rebecca, “then secondly. Don’t say ‘shit’ please.”

_Whoops_ “Sorry.”

“It’s fine, just don’t do it again or I’m going to have to make a swear jar for you,” said Rebecca.

“How long are you gonna be mad at me for?” Jillian asked.

“About the fire?” Rebecca asked. “I’m not mad at you anymore. I’m still disappointed, but I’m not mad.”

“Okay,” said Jillian, she figured that would have to do for the time being.

“It’s past your bedtime,” Rebecca commented, looking at the clock.  
  
“Can I sleep in your bed again?” Jillian asked.  
  
“Again?”

“Oh, yeah, I kinda slept there last night,” said Jillian. “Was that okay?”

“Yes, it’s fine. I just figured you’re old enough to sleep in your own bed now,” said Rebecca.

“Oh I am,” Jillian agreed. “But I need to protect you when the ghost comes back again tonight.”

“Jillian, I assure you, there is no ghost in this apartment,” said Rebecca.

Something clattered in the kitchen and Jillian jumped a mile in the air.

“Explain that then,” Jillian challenged.

“Sounded like something in the pantry succumbed to the great force of gravity,” said Rebecca dryly.

“Ghost,” whispered Jillian conspiratorially.

“No it wasn’t,” Rebecca said. She started to walk down the hall towards her bedroom. Jillian followed her. Usually Rebecca wouldn’t engage in such an argument, but the fact that Jillian was still with her and hadn’t been fatally injured was enough to let her just enjoy the banter with her daughter.

“It was,” said Jillian. “You can’t deny it now, you just heard it.”  
  
“I told you, something probably just fell in the pantry,” said Rebecca.  
  
“Yeah, because a ghost pushed it,” said Jillian.  
  
The argument continued until both were tucked safely into Rebecca’s bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to holtzmann_lover for your help with this one. 
> 
> And I had some weird formatting issues when I uploaded this, hopefully they're all fixed now, but apologies if they're not!


	28. Age 3: The Zoo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Requested by Holtzmann_lover
> 
> August 1987

  
  
The kitchen table was an absolute mess. Rebecca had had the forethought to lay out a plastic table cloth earlier that afternoon. The mess was caused by Jillian. Rebecca had thought it would be a good idea to make play dough with her. She thought it would make a good chemistry lesson.  
  
Unfortunately Jillian was less interested in the science and more interested in the mess and fun of the play dough. She was currently rolling a piece to make a tree. She’d made a half dozen trees already, Rebecca wanted to tell her that they looked more like mushroom clouds than trees, but she wasn’t sure if Jillian would realise that was a compliment…or know what a mushroom cloud was.  
  
“Brecca?” Jillian asked.  
  
Rebecca ignored the butchering of her name, she was used to it, “Mhm?”  
  
“Can I throw this?” Jillian asked while holding up a balled up piece of red play dough.  
  
“Why?” Rebecca asked instead of opting for the obvious answer, being no.  
  
“I want to see if it goes splat,” replied Jillian. She tossed it up and down experimentally in her hand. She didn’t catch it and it fell in her lap. She picked it back up and rolled it some more.  
  
“What would you throw it at?” Rebecca asked.  
  
Jillian thought for a moment, “The wall?”  
  
“No,” said Rebecca, “do you remember what happened when you drew on the wall?”  
  
“I got a time out,” said Jillian forlornly.  
  
“So, do you think possibly damaging the wall is a good idea?” Rebecca asked.  
  
Jillian shook her head, then she looked around, “The table?”  
  
Rebecca thought for a moment. “Yes,” she said, “You may throw it at the table.”  
  
Jillian beamed. Then she stood up on her chair to give herself more height.  
  
The play dough hit the table with an impressively loud thud just as June walked through the door.  
  
“What the hell was that?” She said with shock.  
  
Rebecca frowned at her, “Please don’t swear in front of Jillian.”  
  
“Can I say hell?” Jillian asked.  
  
“No, you may not,” said Rebecca.  
  
“I’d hardly call that a swear word,” muttered June as she hung up her coat and kicked off her boots. “And you didn’t answer my question.”  
  
“Jillian threw the play dough at the table,” replied Rebecca.  
  
Jillian picked it up and examined it thoroughly, “I thought it would go splat.” It was unchanged.  
  
“You probably just need more force,” said Rebecca.  
  
“Why are you encouraging her to throw that?” June asked, a little flabbergasted.  
  
“She’s learning. She had a hypothesis, she tested it. The results weren’t achieved and now she’s trying to figure out a new method,” said Rebecca.  
  
“You’re a terrible influence,” said June playfully. She walked to Rebecca.  
  
Rebecca stood up and allowed her to briefly embrace her.  
  
“You look cute in that apron,” June whispered to her. Rebecca bounced her eyebrows playfully in response and then sat back down with Jillian.  
  
“Why don’t you take her to do something normal kids do?” June suggested.  
  
Rebecca briefly flinched at the use of the term _normal_ , but the reaction went unnoticed by the other occupants of the room. “Kids like play dough,” she answered.  
  
“I’m talking about like, the circus or the zoo,” said June.  
  
Jillian was rolling a play dough ball and very absently spoke up, “Zoos are for wild animals. I wanna see a donkey, let’s go.”  
  
“Jill babe, I don’t think zoos have donkeys,” said June.  
  
Jillian looked disappointed.  
  
“You like tigers,” said Rebecca, getting on board with the idea.  
  
“Grr,” replied Jillian.  
  
“We’ve both got tomorrow off,” Rebecca said. “I suppose we could make the trip.”  
  
“It’s a date,” smiled June.  
  
“I’m gonna make a lion,” said Jillian. She picked up some purple play dough and began to shape it into her impression of a lion.  


* * *

  
  
“I wanna pet a tiger,” Jillian announced as they waited in line to buy their entry tickets into the zoo.  
  
“Sorry babe,” said June. “I don’t think they let you do that here.”  
  
“Why not?” Jillian demanded.  
  
“Tigers are dangerous Jillian,” said Rebecca. The line moved forward, Rebecca and June moved with it, Jillian did not.  
  
“Why?” Jillian asked.  
  
“Tigers are carnivores and they think you’re food,” said Rebecca.  
  
“Why?”  
  
“Because you’re small and edible,” said Rebecca.  
  
“You can’t tell her she’s edible,” June said.  
  
“Why not? She is,” said Rebecca.  
  
“Excuse me,” said the man in the line behind them. “Can you make your kid move, we don’t want to lose our place in line.”  
  
“Sorry,” June apologised.  
  
“Jillian come and stand with us please,” said Rebecca.  
  
“Only if I can pet a tiger,” said Jillian.  
  
“You cannot pet a tiger,” said Rebecca.  
  
Jillian sat down.  
  
Rebecca and June exchanged a look, then June marched forward and picked Jillian up before carrying her back to Rebecca.  
  
“Jillian, going to the zoo is a treat,” said Rebecca. “If you choose not to behave then we’ll just have to take you back home.”  
  
June deposited Jillian on the ground.  
  
“I’ll be good,” said Jillian.  
  
“Thank you,” said Rebecca.  
  
The adolescent boy at the counter called to them and they bought their tickets.  
  
“What do you wanna see first Jill?” June asked enthusiastically.  
  
“Umm,” Jillian thought, “the tigers! No! The elephants! Or the monkeys!”  
  
Rebecca looked at the map she’d been given by the boy at the counter, “Why don’t we start with the tigers, then the primates, and then we’ll make our way back this way to the children’s zoo?”  
  
“What about the elephants?” Jillian asked.  
  
“I’m sorry Jillian, they don’t have elephants here,” said Rebecca.  
  
“What?” Jillian sounded heartbroken. Her lower lip puckered.  
  
“Hey Jill, it’s all right,” said June. “We’re still gonna get to see a lot of other really cool animals today.”  
  
“But I wanted to see the elephants!” Jillian whined.  
  
“You wanted to see the tigers,” Rebecca pointed out. “This is the first time you’ve even mentioned elephants.”  
  
“But they’re my favourite,” said Jillian sadly.  
  
“They are not,” said Rebecca.  
  
June tutted and interrupted the pair, “C’mon Jill, I think I heard the tiger calling your name.”  
  
Jillian’s eyes lit up, “Really?!” She asked incredulously. She started to run ahead of them.  
  
“Jillian!” Rebecca called after her, “you don’t know where you’re going! You need to stay with us.”  
  
Jillian payed no attention to her and continued to run gleefully.  
  
“Dammit,” breathed Rebecca, “we’re going to lose her today, aren’t we?”  
  
June laughed and held her hand out. Rebecca took it. Then, unexpectedly June began to run after Jillian, pulling Rebecca along. “June!” Rebecca protested, “I don’t run!”  
  
“You’re gonna have to start babe,” said June, “else you’ve got no chance of keeping up with that one.”  
  
Luckily they didn’t have to run far because Jillian had found her way to the tiger exhibit and was waiting for them by the entrance.  
  
“Will the tigers really eat me?” She nervously asked Rebecca.  
  
“Only if you go in their enclosure,” said Rebecca.  
  
“Then I won’t do that,” said Jillian firmly.  
  
“Great idea kid,” said June.  
  
They walked in, the sounds of tigers roaring played over the speaker. There were no tigers visible. Jillian pressed her little nose up against the glass. Rebecca took her by the shoulders and gently pulled her back so she wasn’t touching the glass anymore. Jillian wasn’t listening but Rebecca muttered something about germs.  
  
June knelt down beside Jillian, “Can you see any?” She whispered.  
  
“Why are you whispering?” Jillian asked.  
  
“Well, what if they’re hiding and then they hear us and _pounce_?” June shouted the last word and mock pounced at Jillian.  
  
Jillian jumped.  
  
“Don’t frighten her,” Rebecca reprimanded.  
  
June grinned at Rebecca. “Sorry Jill,” she apologised.  
  
“I wasn’t scared,” said Jillian, even though she’d positioned herself behind Rebecca’s legs and was cautiously peering around on the look out for any tigers.  
  
“There, look Jillian,” Rebecca said, she pointed to the back of the enclosure, “Do you see the tiger behind that plant there?”  
  
“Where?” Jillian asked timidly, still shaken by the idea of being pounced on.  
  
“Right near the back,” said Rebecca.  
  
Jillian looked closely, she saw the lazing tiger. “Oh yeah!” She shouted, “I see it!” Then she clamped her hands over her mouth. “Do you think it heard me?” She whispered.  
  
June looked very carefully at the tiger, “No, I think we’re good. Should we make a break for it?”  
  
“Yes!” Jillian said emphatically.  
  
June held out her hand to Jillian, who took it without question. Then she held out her other hand to Rebecca, who hesitated, “You’re not going to make us run again, are you?”  
  
“Of course not babe,” said June.  
  
Rebecca eyed her cautiously and took the proffered hand. June squeezed her hand gently and then smiled at her with a wicked smile.  
  
“Oh, don’t you dare,” Rebecca started to say, but it was too late because they were off and running again.  
  
They only ran until they were back out on the main path.  
  
“Okay babe, you’ve got the map. Which way now?” June asked. She dropped Rebecca’s hand so she could look at the map, but held onto Jillian’s so she didn’t wander off again.  
  
Rebecca pulled the map from her back pocket and unfolded it, she checked it, then refolded it and put it back in her pocket. “Straight down this path,” she said. “We’ll walk,” she added sternly.  
  
“Fine,” huffed June with a smile. They walked.  
  
They were almost at the Tropical Rainforest when Jillian stopped dead in her tracks. Rebecca nearly tripped over the top of her but June managed to catch her girlfriend before anyone got hurt.  
  
“Jillian!” Rebecca scolded, but Jillian wasn’t listening.  
  
She was staring at a girl who Rebecca would have assumed to be about five or six. Jillian trotted on over to her.  
  
“Hello!” Jillian called. “What’s that?” She pointed at the confectionary treat in the older girl’s hand.  
  
“My cotton candy?” The girl asked.  
  
Jillian turned back to look at Rebecca and June, “We need this, look!” She pointed at the girl’s cotton candy.  
  
The girl looked uncomfortable.  
  
“Jillian, please leave that family alone,” Rebecca asked. She turned to the mother, “I’m sorry, she’s just excited.” The other woman nodded in understanding.  
  
“C’mon Jill, we gotta see the monkeys, remember,” said June, trying to divert Jillian’s gaze from the sugar.  
  
“Where’s it from?” Jillian asked the girl.  
  
The girl shrugged, “My mom bought it for me. Why don’t you ask your mom for some?”  
  
Rebecca and June both froze, neither sure how Jillian was going to react to that suggestion. The truth was, Jillian didn’t really bring up Lisa anymore. They weren’t sure if that was just her way of dealing with the loss or if she just didn’t have anything to say. They waited on bated breath.  
  
“Oh, okay,” said Jillian, she looked at Rebecca, “Brecca? Can I have some?”  
  
Rebecca and June exchanged a look. Rebecca looked somewhat petrified, June looked ecstatic.  
  
“You gotta say yes after that,” said June.  
  
“It’s pure sugar,” said Rebecca. “We do not want to deal with Jillian on a sugar high.”  
  
“Pleeeaase!” Jillian begged.  
  
“No Jillian,” said Rebecca.  
  
Jillian pouted and looked at Rebecca with big puppy dog eyes.  
  
“Don’t give me that look,” said Rebecca. “I’m not changing my mind.”  
  
They carried on toward the monkeys.  
  
  
“Look!” Jillian shrieked with delight, “It’s got hair!”  
  
The primate in question shrieked back at her. Jillian giggled.  
  
Rebecca read the sign, “It’s called a Cotton-Top Tamarin.”  
  
One of the Tamarins climbed up onto a wooden platform and another smaller one joined it.  
  
“Look it’s got a baby!” Jillian yelled.  
  
“Jillian, please stop shouting, you’re giving me a headache,” said Rebecca.  
  
June wrapped an arm over Rebecca’s shoulders and pressed her head against Rebecca’s, “She’s having fun Becs,” she murmured. “Let her be loud.”  
  
Rebecca leaned in to June’s touch, “I’m still going to get a headache,” she muttered back.  
  
“I’ll take care of you,” said June, she pressed a kiss into Rebecca’s cheek and then the pair resumed watching Jillian watch the tamarins.  
  
They stayed watching the monkeys for a long while, Jillian was fascinated. Eventually Rebecca looked at her watch, “We’d better get moving if we want to be out of here by lunchtime,” she said.  
  
“Right,” June agreed. “Jill, ready to move on?”  
  
“I wanna be a monkey,” said Jillian.  
  
“You are a monkey,” Rebecca said dryly.  
  
Jillian giggled.  
  
“What’s next on our list Becs?” June asked.  
  
“Red pandas?” Rebecca asked, checking her map.  
  
“ _Red_ pandas?” Jillian asked with interest.  
  
Rebecca nodded, “Yes, they’re in the children’s zoo.”  
  
“Let’s go!” Jillian said enthusiastically.  
  
They walked down the path a little. As they were walking past the playground Rebecca started slowing.  
  
“You all right?” June asked.  
  
“Fine,” said Rebecca. “Jillian?” She called.  
  
Jillian stopped, she’d been momentarily distracted by the playground. She had to look around to find Rebecca and June again. She spotted them and trotted back.  
  
“Do you need to use the restroom?” Rebecca asked.  
  
Jillian looked back over her shoulder at the playground, “No. Can I play on the playground?”  
  
“For a minute,” Rebecca said. She turned to June, “Just going to the restroom, you can watch her?”  
  
June nodded and chased after Jillian. Jillian was already on the climbing frame when June reached her. June climbed up to join her.  
  
“The playground’s for kids,” Jillian informed her.  
  
“I am a kid,” said June. “I’m just really big.”  
  
Jillian giggled.  
  
“Hey Jill, can I ask you a question?” June asked.  
  
Jillian nodded.  
  
“Earlier when that girl told you that you should ask your mom for some cotton candy, you asked Rebecca. Do you think of her as your mom?” June asked cautiously.  
  
Jillian looked embarrassed, “I _know_ she’s not my mommy, I don’t have a mommy.”  
  
June wondered if maybe she shouldn’t have said anything, she could see this conversation getting emotional.  
  
“But Brecca’s _like_ a mommy. She looks after me and she gives me cuddles when I’m sad,” continued Jillian.  
  
“Yeah,” smiled June, “she does.”  
  
“Please don’t tell her,” said Jillian.  
  
“Why not?” June asked.  
  
“I don’t know,” Jillian admitted. “What if she doesn’t want me to think that?”  
  
“I don’t think she’ll mind,” June told her. “You know, she seems hard on the outside, but inside she’s a big softie.”  
  
“I know,” said Jillian, she started climbing down and June followed her. “I just pretend I don’t know because I think she likes to pretend to be tough.”  
  
They reached the ground. “You’re a good kid Jill. Maybe you should tell her sometime though,” said June.  
  
“Maybe,” said Jillian. “Can I ask _you_ a question?”  
  
June nodded.  
  
“Can I have some cotton candy?”  
  
June looked at the confectionery stand that was near the bathrooms. “You know what, Rebecca’s going to kill me, but yeah, let’s get some.”  
  
Jillian clapped her hands with glee.  
  
  
Rebecca emerged from the bathroom just as Jillian was taking her first bite of the treat.  
  
“June!” She admonished.  
  
“What?” June asked, she tore a piece off and shoved it in her own mouth.  
  
“What part of ‘no’ did the two of you not understand?” Rebecca asked crossing her arms.  
  
“Umm,” June thought. “Is ’no’ the one that means we can’t? Rats, I thought that was what ‘yes’ meant.”  
  
Jillian giggled and took another bite.  
  
Rebecca rolled her eyes, “You can be the one to watch her when she misses her nap this afternoon because she’s had too much sugar then.”  
  
“Fine,” said June taking another piece, “I’ll probably be bouncin’ off the walls too.”  
  
“Stop taking my cotton candy!” Jillian protested.  
  
“It’s huge Jill, you’re not finishing it on your own,” said June.  
  
Jillian huffed. Then she looked at Rebecca, “I gotta go to the bathroom.”  
  
Rebecca looked exasperated, “Why didn’t you say so when I asked you earlier?”  
  
“I wanted to play on the playground,” shrugged Jillian.  
  
Rebecca sighed, “All right then. Give the cotton candy to June.”  
  
“Don’t eat it,” said Jillian seriously as she handed it over.  
  
June took a bite and grinned at Jillian.  
  
“No!” Jillian screamed. Rebecca covered her ears.  
  
“See?” said Rebecca, “Do you see the sugar demon you’ve created?”  
  
“I’m sorry Jill,” June apologised.  
  
“Jillian, you need to share with June or you won’t be getting it back,” said Rebecca.  
  
“Fine,” sighed Jillian. “You can have _some_. Just make sure there’s still some left for me when I come back.”  
  
June saluted, “Yes ma’am.”  
  
  
Eventually the were back on track and on their way to see the red pandas. June was giving Jillian a piggy back ride because her feet were getting tired.  
  
“Turn right here,” said Rebecca, “that’s the Children’s Zoo.”  
  
“Are you allowed in here?” Jillian asked over June’s shoulder.  
  
“Of course,” said Rebecca, “why wouldn’t I be?”  
  
“It’s the _Children’s Zoo_ , doesn’t that mean children only?” asked Jillian.  
  
“No, it means it’s made for children,” said Rebecca. “June and I are allowed in too.”  
  
“Besides,” June added, “I already told you, I’m still a kid.”  
  
“I’m not,” said Rebecca.  
  
“You are too,” argued June.  
  
“No I’m not.”  
  
“Are too.”  
  
Rebecca was about to argue back when she realised the argument was childish, she huffed and said no more.  
  
They found the red pandas.  
  
“Oh,” said Jillian as she watched the creature in front of her. It was enjoying its lunch.  
  
“You sound disappointed,” June remarked.  
  
“I thought it was gonna look like a regular panda except red,” said Jillian.  
  
“It is a deceptive name,” said Rebecca.  
  
“What did you think it was gonna be?” Jillian asked.  
  
“I already knew what a red panda is,” said Rebecca, “so this is exactly what I was expecting.”  
  
“It’s still cute though,” June said.  
  
“Yeah, it is,” agreed Jillian.  
  
They watched it eat for a while longer until Jillian started to get fidgety. Rebecca noticed, “Are you all right Jillian?”  
  
“I don’t wanna be here anymore,” said Jillian.  
  
“Here at the zoo, or here with the red panda?” Rebecca asked.  
  
Jillian shrugged.  
  
“Why don’t we go to the Franklin Farm and see if you like it better there? If not then we can go home,” suggested Rebecca.  
  
Jillian nodded.  
  
The Franklin Farm was in the Children’s Zoo, so it wasn’t a long walk to get there. Rebecca and June kept up the conversation but Jillian withdrew from it. Jillian held hands with Rebecca and drummed her fingers on the back of Rebecca’s hand.  
  
Then they arrived at the petting zoo.  
  
“Donkey!” Jillian shouted.  
  
“Hey look at that,” said June, “they do have donkeys at the zoo.”  
  
“Can I pet it?” Jillian asked staring up at the creature in awe.  
  
“Yes you can,” said Rebecca. Jillian squealed in glee, Rebecca was glad to see Jillian acting like herself again but wondered if the last few minutes of her being non-verbal was indicative to anything that she should be concerned about.  
  
June went in to the petting zoo with Jillian while Rebecca watched from outside the fencing (she wasn’t interested in being anywhere near the animals). Jillian got scared at the last minute so June had to pat the donkey first. Then Jillian joined in. After the donkey had been well patted Jillian began to meander around the rest of the petting zoo. June got distracted by a rabbit which she told Jillian was named Hector and was very friendly. Jillian thought he was very soft, then something caught her eye and she toddled over to it.  
  
Rebecca was standing near the creature that had fascinated her.  
  
“What’s that?” Jillian asked her as she pointed.  
  
“A domestic chicken,” Rebecca replied.  
  
“It’s funny looking, can I pet it?” Jillian asked.  
  
“Well, it is in the petting zoo, so I’d assume so, yes,” Rebecca replied, although she was cautious, she wasn’t a big fan of birds.  
  
Jillian squatted and patted the feathers of the hen. The hen didn’t seem to mind. “Can we take it home with us?” Jillian asked softly. Rebecca was surprised, she didn’t think Jillian knew how to speak with a soft tone.  
  
“No Jillian, it’s a petting zoo, not a pet shop,” said Rebecca.  
  
“Oh, okay,” said Jillian. “Can we go to a pet shop and get one then?”  
  
“Why do you want a chicken?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“She’s soft and she’s funny looking,” said Jillian as if the answer were obvious.  
  
“We can’t have a chicken in an apartment,” said Rebecca. “They need outdoor spaces to roam around.”  
  
“Then we’ll move,” said Jillian, she continued to gently stroke its feathers.    
  
“We can’t move just so you can have a chicken,” Rebecca said.  
  
Jillian pouted. Then she made the mistake of trying to pick the hen up. The bird squawked and spread out its wings in defence. Jillian screamed. The hen continued to squawk and flap her wings at Jillian, Jillian fell onto her bottom and shielded herself with her arms. Then June came swooping in and scooped Jillian up, quickly depositing her in Rebecca’s arms. June climbed over the fencing to join her family. Jillian whimpered into Rebecca’s shoulder.  
  
“What happened?” June asked.  
  
“She tried to pick up the chicken,” said Rebecca, she gently rubbed Jillian’s back with the hand that she wasn’t using to support the young girl.  
  
“Oops,” mouthed June.  
  
“I think we should head home now,” suggested Rebecca.  
  
“I guess so,” agreed June. Rebecca continued to carry Jillian as they made their way toward the exit.  
  
“Wait! Stop!” Jillian shouted just as they were about to leave. Rebecca obeyed, Jillian was squirming so she put her on the ground.  
  
Jillian pointed, “There’s toys in there.” She was pointing at the gift shop.  
  
“You don’t need any more toys,” said Rebecca.  
  
“But I want one,” said Jillian. “Can’t we just look?”  
  
“C’mon Becs, the kid was just attacked by a chicken, that’s a very traumatic experience. Indulge her,” said June.  
  
Rebecca rolled her eyes, but then she nodded and they entered the gift shop. Jillian made a beeline for the stuffed animals.  
  
“Look! They have elephants here,” said Jillian excitedly.  
  
“They don’t have real elephants here but they have toy ones?” Rebecca pondered, “That seems ridiculous.”  
  
“Can I have it?” Jillian asked, she held up a small stuffed elephant.  
  
“Use your manners,” said June at the same time as Rebecca said, “No.”  
  
The adults exchanged a look.  
  
“You’re such a pushover with her,” said Rebecca.  
  
“You’re too hard on her,” said June.  
  
“She doesn’t need any more toys,” Rebecca reiterated her point from earlier, “she has plenty at home.”  
  
“She doesn’t have any elephants though,” said June.  
  
Rebecca sighed and raised her hands in surrender, “Fine. Do what you want.” She walked away.  
  
“Pleeeeaaase can I have the elephant?” Jillian begged.  
  
June was watching Rebecca’s retreating form, she barely noticed Jillian.  
  
“June!” Jillian called. “I said please.”  
  
June snapped her attention back to Jillian, “Yeah, sure thing kid.” She pulled out her wallet from her back pocket. “Let’s go pay for this, then we’d better go catch up with Becs.”  
  
Jillian nodded enthusiastically. As they waited in line Jillian asked, “Is Brecca mad at me?”  
  
“No babe,” answered June. “She’s mad at me.”  
  
“Don’t worry,” said Jillian. “She always gives the best cuddles after she’s done being mad.”  
  
June smiled at Jillian, “I hope so kid.”  
  
Rebecca was leaning against the hood of the car when June and Jillian finally found her. June had the keys so she unlocked the car and helped Jillian get in. Jillian was content to sit there with her new elephant.  
  
June went back around to the front of the car and sat down next to Rebecca. “Hey,” she nudged her, “what’s going on? Are you really mad at me, or is it something else?”  
  
Rebecca leaned into June, “How are we going to do this?”  
  
“Do what?” June asked.  
  
“Parent,” answered Rebecca.  
  
“We’ve been doing just fine Becs,” said June.  
  
“Have we?” Rebecca asked, “You’re a pushover and I’m too hard.”  
  
“So? Lots of parenting couples are like that,” said June. “My parents were, I knew to go to my mom when I wanted something and my dad when I needed help, there’s nothing wrong with that.”  
  
“I just don’t want to ruin her,” said Rebecca. She looked behind her at Jillian who was happily bouncing her elephant in and out of the open window.  
  
“You won’t babe,” said June. “Besides, there’s always an out.”  
  
“An out?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“We got another letter from the Holtzmonsters yesterday,” admitted June. “Seems like they’re serious about trying to get custody of Jill.”  
  
Rebecca shushed her, “Don’t call them that around her,” then she hesitated. “You don’t want to give Jillian up, do you?”  
  
“No of course not,” said June. “I’m just saying, if this is too much for you…”  
  
“I’m just concerned, I’m not overwhelmed,” said Rebecca. “I promised Lisa I’d look after her.”  
  
“Okay.”  
  
“Okay?”  
  
“Yes,” said June. “I’m worried about you.” She wanted to say, ‘I’m worried about _us_ ’ but she didn’t.  
  
“I’m fine,” said Rebecca.  
  
“I’m bored!” Jillian shouted from the car.  
  
“I’ll drive,” said June. Rebecca nodded and got in the passenger seat.  
  
“Are you still mad?” Jillian asked Rebecca.  
  
Rebecca turned in her seat so she was facing Jillian, “I’m not mad.”  
  
“Oh,” said Jillian. “You didn’t give June cuddles, you always give me cuddles when you stop being mad at me.”  
  
June started the car.  
  
“I wasn’t mad Jillian,” said Rebecca. “I just left because I needed some space.”  
  
“Oh,” repeated Jillian.  
  
“So Jill?” June asked in an attempt to change the subject, “What was your favourite part of the zoo?”  
  
“The elephants!” Jillian exclaimed. “My elephant is named Peanut!” She held up the toy proudly.  
  
“We didn’t see any elephants Jillian,” said Rebecca.  
  
“Oh yeah,” Jillian squeezed her new toy elephant close to her as she thought, “The monkeys, no! The cotton candy! No! The donkey!”  
  
June laughed, “So you liked all of it then?”  
  
“Not the tigers and not the chicken,” said Jillian. She bounced her feet.  
  
“What about the rabbit?” June asked, “That was my favourite.”  
  
“It was soft,” said Jillian, “but the donkey was better.”  
  
“What about you Becs? Favourite part?” June asked.  
  
“I didn’t have a favourite part,” said Rebecca.  
  
“Aw, c’mon, you must’a enjoyed something more than anything else,” prompted June.  
  
Rebecca thought about it, “I enjoyed being there with both of you.”  
  
June glanced at Rebecca and smiled, “You’re sweet.”  
  
Rebecca smiled back. The rest of the drive home was silent except for Jillian trumpeting and making elephant noises in the backseat.


	29. Age 9: The Cast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lezbianic on tumblr requested a chapter where Jillian breaks a bone.
> 
>  
> 
> Sorry I haven't posted in a while everyone, work has been hectic. Everything's calmed down now and I have plenty of time to write again!!

It was a freezing winter afternoon. Rebecca and Jillian were walking down the aisles of the supermarket, Rebecca was pushing the cart. Jillian had nagged her and nagged her because she wanted to push the cart.  Originally Rebecca had relented and let her do so, but she’d immediately (accidentally, of course) pushed the cart into a shelf, so Rebecca had quickly taken it back.  
  
Jillian had been a pest for the whole shopping trip. Rebecca put it down to the bad weather and the fact that Jillian had been stuck inside all day.    
  
“Can I pick a cereal?” Jillian asked, eyeing the colourful boxes with enthusiasm.  
  
“No,” said Rebecca.  
  
“Why not?” Jillian whined. “You always get to pick.”  
  
“That’s because you’ll pick something that’s full of sugar,” Rebecca answered.  
  
“That’s because they’re better,” Jillian told her.  
  
“No,” Rebecca repeated. “Anyway, we have plenty of cereal at home. We don’t need any more.”  
  
“But the cereal at home isn’t the good stuff,” Jillian complained.  
  
“Jillian!” Rebecca sounded exasperated. “I’ve said no, please accept that answer and move on.”  
  
Jillian muttered something under her breath.  
  
“I’m sorry, what did you just say?” Rebecca asked, certain she’d said something rude.  
  
Jillian shrugged, “I said if you loved me you’d let me pick my own cereal.”  
  
Rebecca scowled, “Jillian, I don’t appreciate that at all.”  
  
“You didn’t deny it,” Jillian said.  
  
Rebecca blinked once slowly in frustration, “Jillian. You know that I love you. I’ve told you why you can’t pick out a cereal, please drop this.”  
  
“Fine!” Jillian threw her arms up in the air. Then she crossed them and walked grumpily alongside Rebecca as they continued down the aisle.  
  
Rebecca stopped the cart when she reached the bread section. She picked the same bread she always got and put it in the cart.  
  
“I don’t like that kind,” said Jillian adamantly.  
  
“Yes you do,” said Rebecca, her patience was beginning to wear thin. “This is what you always have and you always eat it.”  
  
“Only coz I have to. I like white bread,” said Jillian.  
  
Rebecca shook her head, “When have you ever had white bread?”  
  
“At Emma’s house,” Jillian answered.  
  
“Well at our home you have this kind,” Rebecca said, regretting even letting Jillian engage in the argument.  
  
“I won’t eat it,” Jillian told her.  
  
“Oh well,” said Rebecca dismissively, she walked away and Jillian had to hurry after her.  
  
They walked in silence for a while, much to Rebecca’s relief. Jillian was still in a huff about the bread.  
  
And then they passed the snack aisle.  
  
“I want those,” said Jillian, she pointed at the Pringles.  
  
“You can’t have them,” said Rebecca.  
  
“What? Why not?” Jillian asked. “I want them.”  
  
“Jillian,” Rebecca said, sounding very tired. “I want you to think about your behaviour since we got here. Do you think you’ve earned a treat?”  
  
“I’ve been well behaved, I’m just voicing my opinion,” said Jillian.  
  
“There is a difference between voicing your opinion and being demanding,” Rebecca said. “And if you want to ask me for something you need to use your manners.”  
  
“Fine,” huffed Jillian. “May I _please_ get some Pringles?”  
  
“No you may not,” Rebecca answered, she started to walk again.  
  
Jillian stayed put, “What?! Why not? I said please.”  
  
“You did,” Rebecca agreed. “But I’m not liking your attitude right now.”  
  
“That’s not fair!” Jillian whined.  
  
“It is fair,” said Rebecca, she started walking back to Jillian so didn’t have to speak so loudly, she was worried they’d cause a scene.  
  
“No it’s not. You’re just being mean,” said Jillian, she crossed her arms over her chest.  
  
“I am not being mean Jillian,” Rebecca shot back. “And you need to start behaving yourself.”  
  
Jillian grunted, “I’m not talking to you anymore.”  
  
Rebecca just nodded, “Come on, we’re leaving.” She pushed the cart toward the checkout and Jillian begrudgingly followed her. “We can talk about your punishment when we get home,” Rebecca informed her.  
  
Rebecca paid for their food and then carried the bags out. Jillian, true to her word, did not speak. She also did not help Rebecca with carrying the groceries. They arrived at the car and Rebecca had to awkwardly shuffle the bags around to get the car key from her pocket and unlock the car. Once everything was loaded into the back of the station wagon (which didn’t take long considering they hadn’t bought all that they’d come for) Rebecca turned around to see where Jillian had gotten to. She was standing in the small patch of garden a few bays away from their car and glaring at Rebecca with her arms still folded.  
  
“Jillian, can you please get in the car so we can go home? It’s freezing out here,” Rebecca told her.  
  
Jillian huffed out a petulant sigh. Her warm breath clouded in the cool winter air. Then she began to stomp with very deliberate steps toward the car. Rebecca rolled her eyes and walked around the car to the driver’s side door. Then she was stopped in her tracks.  
  
Jillian let out a scream that could only be described as blood curdling. Rebecca hurried around the car to see what had happened. Jillian was sprawled in a heap on the ground, she was crying with deep heavy breaths and clutching her wrist. She looked up at Rebecca when she approached.  
  
“Mom?” She whimpered.  
  
Rebecca knelt down, ignoring the cold wetness that embraced her knee when it made contact with the icy ground.  
  
“What happened? What did you hurt?” Rebecca asked, trying not to sound panicked herself.  
  
Jillian just whimpered again; her cries were catching in her throat rendering her unable to talk. Rebecca took the wrist that Jillian was clutching. Despite Rebecca’s efforts to be gentle Jillian gasped in pain. It was very clear to see that the wrist was broken. Rebecca wanted to cry too, on Jillian’s behalf.  
  
“Okay,” Rebecca said softly. “Can you move your fingers at all?”  
  
Jillian tried but then let out a wail of pain.  
  
Rebecca nodded solemnly to herself, “I think you’ve broken your wrist.”  
  
“It hurts,” Jillian sobbed.  
  
“I know, I know,” Rebecca said almost apologetically. “Can you stand up? I need to get you to the hospital.”  
  
Jillian nodded but she made no effort to do so. She was shaking, and Rebecca suspected it was more from shock than the cold. Rebecca hoisted her up instead and guided her to the car.  
  
Rebecca started the engine. Usually she’d wait for the car to warm up a bit first, but today she immediately put her foot on the accelerator. The breaks were a bit touchy in the cold weather and when Rebecca stopped to give way before leaving the car park the whole car jolted forward.  
  
“Ow!” Jillian complained sourly.  
  
“I’m sorry,” Rebecca apologised. “Did that hurt your wrist?”  
  
“No,” scowled Jillian, “the seatbelt hurt my sternum.”  
  
Rebecca grinned, she knew Jillian was intelligent, but there was always something funny about big words coming out of such a little mouth.  
  
“It’s not funny,” grumbled Jillian.  
  
“Sorry,” said Rebecca, there was a break in the traffic and she pulled out onto the road. “You stopped screaming though.”  
  
“Hurts,” whined Jillian. She sniffed wetly. Rebecca pulled her handkerchief from her sleeve and handed it to Jillian. Jillian took it with her uninjured hand and blew her nose. She tried to pass the handkerchief back.  
  
“Put it on the floor, I’ll get it later,” said Rebecca. Jillian did so.  
  
“Can you tell me what happened, so I can tell the doctor when we get to the hospital?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“I slipped on the ice,” said Jillian. “And I fell on my hand.”  
  
Rebecca nodded. “How’s it feel, are you in too much pain?”  
  
“Yeah,” Jillian answered honestly.  
  
“You’re being very brave,” Rebecca told her.  
  
Jillian smiled at the compliment. She really was trying her best not to keep wailing, even though that’s exactly what she felt like doing. 

  
  
Jillian was on her best behaviour when they got to the hospital. Rebecca led the way into the building. Rebecca had some painkillers in her bag, she gave one to Jillian, it helped a little. Jillian continued to sob softly to herself. It was a good two hours before her name was called.  
  
They were led immediately to the radiology department. The radiologist instructed Jillian to gently rest her injured wrist atop a board that had a few markings on it. Jillian obeyed without question. The radiologist had her adjust the position a few times and then they were sent into a consult room to wait for a doctor.  
  
“How are you doing?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“I’m okay,” she lied.  
  
“No you’re not,” said Rebecca. “Are you still in pain?”  
  
Jillian nodded. Then the door swung open.  
  
“Jillian Holtzmann?” The doctor checked.  
  
“Yes,” Rebecca answered.  
  
The doctor nodded and walked to the light board, she put Jillian’s X-rays up. The break was very obvious.  
  
“Well,” said the doctor. “It’s a clean break to the radius. Should be a snap to fix, pardon the pun.”  
  
Neither Rebecca nor Jillian looked impressed with the joke.  
  
The doctor grinned apologetically, “All right, let’s have a look.”  
  
Jillian held out her wrist.The doctor gently ran her fingers along it and Jillian winced, her skin was already bruising. The doctor nodded to herself. Then she sat down in an office chair and wheeled herself over to a cupboard and pulled out a few supplies.  
  
“It’s not too badly swollen, so I’m going to reset the bone and put a cast on it straight away. I’ll schedule Jillian in for an appointment in about a week’s time to have the cast replaced because it’ll become lose as the swelling goes down, but this is the best option for now,” the doctor explained. She pulled out a small vial and readied a needle. “This is just a localised anaesthetic, it’ll help with the pain when I reset the bone.”  
  
She filled the syringe and made sure there were no air bubbles in it. “Are you okay with needles Jillian?”  
  
Jillian nodded.  
  
“No she’s not,” Rebecca answered.  
  
“I’m fine,” said Jillian quietly, not wanting to argue with Rebecca but not wanting to cause any trouble either. She jumped as the doctor wiped a swab coated in iodine over her wrist. It was cold and she wasn’t expecting it.  
  
“Okay,” said the doctor, “Do you want me to warn you before I put the needle in or do you want me to do in when you’re not expecting it?” She didn’t wait for an answer, she’d already put the needle in and squeezed the syringe. Jillian let out a long breath and looked away. The doctor removed the needle, “Doing okay?”  
  
Jillian nodded even though her eyes had teared up.  
  
The doctor rubbed her arm gently, “We’ll give that a few more seconds. Then we’re going to reset the bone.”  
  
“Okay,” said Jillian meekly.  
  
“All right,” said the doctor after a short moment, “are you ready?”  
  
“Yes,” said Jillian, she wasn’t ready.  
  
The doctor began manipulating the broken bone. Jillian wasn’t in any pain but she felt like she could feel the bone crunching and that made her feel queasy.  
  
Rebecca held her other hand, “Are you okay?” She murmured.  
  
Jillian nodded even though she thought she might throw up.  
  
“Are you sure? You’re looking a little pale,” said Rebecca.  
  
Although she spoke quietly the doctor still heard her, she stopped what she was doing and looked up at Jillian, “How are you doing Jillian?”  
  
“Fine,” said Jillian tightly. She wanted to ask the doctor to hurry up and get it over and done with, but she didn’t want Rebecca to think she was being rude.  
  
The doctor resumed, she was nearly done anyway, “Just speak up if you need anything, okay sweetie?”  
  
Jillian didn’t answer, she’d closed her eyes and was trying not to picture what must be happening inside her arm.  
  
“Done,” announced the doctor. “I’m going to put the cast on now.”  
  
Jillian nodded.  
  
The doctor picked up a roll and began wrapping the material around Jillian’s hand and forearm. “This is a stockinette,” she explained, “it’s going to protect your skin from the rest of the casting material.” She picked up another roll, this one was a wadding material, she wrapped that over the first layer.  
  
Then she picked up another roll, “This is the plaster,” she told Jillian. She wrapped it around Jillian’s arm, wetting it as she went. After a short while the cast was on.  
  
“Now, we just wait until it dries, then I’ll send you back to radiology for a post reduction x ray,” said the doctor.  
  
“It’s getting hot,” remarked Jillian.  
  
“Yes, it’s a chemical reaction that helps the plaster set,” said the doctor.  
  
“Which chemicals?” Jillian asked curiously.  
  
“Calcium sulfate and water,” answered the doctor, surprised at the question.  
  
“Oh,” said Jillian, “you used warm water right? Because that makes the reaction happen faster.”  
  
“Yes, I did. What do they teach you kids in science class nowadays?” The doctor asked with a smile, “when I was your age we were still learning about easy stuff like weather cycles and the difference between an elbow and a shoulder.”  
  
“My mom’s a scientist,” said Jillian proudly.  
  
“Nuclear engineer and particle physicist,” Rebecca specified.  
  
“That’s very cool,” the doctor told Jillian.  
  
“I think so too,” Jillian agreed.  
  
Once the cast had dried they went back to radiology and it was confirmed that the bones were in the right place and they were allowed to go home.  
  
  
Rebecca parked the car and then removed the apartment key from the keyring. She handed in to Jillian.  
  
“Do you want to head upstairs now? I just need to sort out the groceries,” Rebecca said.  
  
“I can help,” said Jillian.  
  
“No you can’t,” Rebecca told her, “you’ve got one arm in a sling, just go upstairs and I’ll meet you there in a minute.”  
  
“But I can help still,” said Jillian, “I’ve got one hand free still.” She waved.  
  
“It’s fine Jillian,” Rebecca said, beginning to sound a little annoyed. “I’m going to have to throw a few things out after being left in the car for so long, so I probably won’t have much to carry. Besides,” she added pointedly, “it’s not like I bought a lot anyway.”  
  
“I’m sorry,” said Jillian, “I’ll go away,” she scampered upstairs looking very much like a kicked puppy.  
  
Rebecca was a little baffled at Jillian’s reaction, yes, she had made a dig at Jillian’s earlier behaviour, but that wasn’t something she didn’t usually do, and Jillian had certainly never looked so upset by it before. Rebecca put it down to the events of the day and opened the back of the car. Luckily there weren’t too many perishable items and she didn’t have to throw a lot out after all. She locked the car and carried her two paper shopping bags upstairs to the apartment.  
  
Rebecca dumped the bags on the kitchen bench and began unpacking them. Then she stilled; she couldn’t hear Jillian. That was unusual. She knew the girl was in the apartment because the door was unlocked, but why was she being so quiet?  
  
Rebecca turned to go and find out what Jillian was up to and quickly found her answer. Jillian was sitting in the corner of the dining area, facing the wall. She’d dragged a chair from the kitchen table. Rebecca walked over to her and leaned against the wall beside her.  
  
“What are you doing?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“I’m on the time out chair,” said Jillian simply.  
  
“We haven’t used a time out chair in a while,” Rebecca remarked, “why are you doing so now?”  
  
“Because,” Jillian explained, “I was bad today and you said I was getting punished when we got home, I thought I’d save you the trouble of picking something.”  
  
Rebecca shook her head, “Are you talking about your behaviour at the supermarket today?”  
  
Jillian nodded.  
  
“I think you’ve been through enough today Jillian,” said Rebecca. “I’m not going to punish you and you certainly don’t need to punish yourself.”  
  
“I did the crime,” said Jillian, “now I’m doing the time.”  
  
“Jillian, maybe you’re not understanding me,” said Rebecca. “You don’t punish yourself. All right? That’s not your job.”  
  
“I know that,” said Jillian. “It’s your job, I’m just helping you.”  
  
“Jillian stand up,” said Rebecca firmly.  
  
“My time out isn’t over yet,” said Jillian.  
  
“I say it is,” said Rebecca. “Please don’t argue with me.”  
  
“I’m sorry,” said Jillian quickly, “I didn’t mean to.”  
  
“Let’s have a talk,” said Rebecca. She lead Jillian to the couch and they both sat down.  
  
“Why do you think you need to punish yourself Jillian?” Rebecca asked.  
  
Jillian shrugged, “Because I misbehaved at the supermarket.”  
  
“You did, but it’s not up to you to punish yourself, not ever,” said Rebecca.  
  
“I know, but you said I was gonna get a punishment,” said Jillian.  
  
“I did say that,” agreed Rebecca, “but I don’t understand why you’re so insistent on being punished for this. Usually you try and get out of a punishment and will argue with me until it’s over. I don’t understand what’s changed.”  
  
“Nothing’s changed. I’m just trying to be good,” shrugged Jillian.  
  
“I appreciate that Jillian, but this is not the way to do that,” said Rebecca.  
  
“What is the way?” Jillian asked. “I wanna do it.”  
  
“I suppose, not misbehaving in the first place. Doling out your own punishment is not the equivalent of being good,” said Rebecca.  
  
“Oh.”  
  
“What is with the sudden determination to be good?” Rebecca asked, “not that I don’t like it, but you are concerning me.”  
  
“Good things happen to good people,” said Jillian. “Something bad happened because I was bad.” She indicated her sling.  
  
“Things don’t happen like this because of certain behaviours Jillian,” said Rebecca.  
  
“Yes they do,” said Jillian, “have you never heard of a thing called karma?”  
  
“I’m familiar with the concept,” said Rebecca, “but it’s not some magical spell Jillian.”  
  
“That’s not what Ralph said,” said Jillian.  
  
“Who’s Ralph?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“A boy in my home room,” said Jillian.  
  
“Do you think Ralph knows more about this than I do?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“He said he’s an expert on karma,” explained Jillian.  
  
“Well, I’m an expert on life,” said Rebecca. “You broke your wrist because you slipped on the ice, not because you were poorly behaved at the supermarket.”  
  
“I slipped on the ice because I was bad and the universe was punishing me,” said Jillian.  
  
“That’s nonsense Jillian. You slipped on the ice because you were stomping around and being petulant,” said Rebecca.  
  
“See, I was bad and I slipped,” said Jillian.  
  
“That’s cause and effect, not karma Jillian,” said Rebecca.  
  
“No, that’s karma,” said Jillian firmly, “and I don’t want anything else bad to happen, so I’m going to start being good.”  
  
Rebecca sighed, she felt like she was going around in circles, “Maybe we should save this discussion for when you’re a little less exhausted.”  
  
“I’m not tired,” Jillian said as she stifled a yawn.  
  
Rebecca hummed, “Dinner, bath, bed. Okay?”  
  
“Okay,” Jillian agreed.  
  
Rebecca wondered if it would make her a bad person if she just let Jillian keep on with this idea, at least she wasn’t arguing constantly with her anymore. 

  
  
“This looks stupid,” Jillian commented as Rebecca wrapped her arm in plastic.  
  
“You can’t get your cast wet,” said Rebecca.  
  
“What if I just promise to hold my arm up out of the water?” Jillian asked.  
  
“You will still have to do that even with it wrapped up,” said Rebecca, “this is just precautionary, it’s not water proof.”  
  
“Oh.”  
  
“Okay, finished. You can get in the bath now,” announced Rebecca.

  
  
Jillian sat quietly in the bath, deep in thought. She traced the lines of her cast through the plastic covering. Rebecca knocked on the door as she came in, “Do you need help with your hair?”  
  
Jillian nodded, still looking a million miles away. Rebecca knelt down beside the bath and picked up the shampoo bottle.  
  
“Are you going to get the other kids to sign your cast tomorrow at school?” Rebecca asked as she lathered the shampoo into Jillian’s hair.  
  
“I’m really sorry I acted like a brat today,” said Jillian without answering the question.  
  
“I forgive you,” Rebecca accepted the apology. “I think maybe you were feeling a little antsy because you were stuck inside all day, but you need to try and find a way to vent that energy rather than taking it out on me, okay?”  
  
“I don’t know how,” said Jillian.  
  
“I’ll help you figure something out,” promised Rebecca.  
  
“Okay,” agreed Jillian. “Am I allowed to write on the cast?”  
  
“As long as it’s appropriate,” Rebecca said.  
  
Jillian smiled, “Cool.”  
  
“How does your wrist feel?” Rebecca asked.  
  
Jillian shrugged.  
  
“Sore?”  
  
Jillian gave no response.  
  
“You can tell me Jillian,” said Rebecca. “I need to know so I can help you.”  
  
Jillian nodded.  
  
“I’ll give you something for the pain before you go to bed okay?”  
  
“Thanks,” said Jillian quietly.  
  
Rebecca started rinsing Jillian’s hair for her.  
  
  
The next day at school Jillian was extremely popular. All of the other kids came up to her to ask what had happened. Jillian was ashamed to tell them the real story so she made up a new, interesting, story with each time she was asked.  
  
“Cool cast,” said Ralph as he approached Jillian. “Can I sign it?”  
  
Jillian nodded, she had a pen ready, she’d been doodling on it herself.  
  
“What did you do?” Ralph asked.  
  
“I was annoying to my mom at the supermarket,” said Jillian.  
  
Ralph looked horrified, “Your mom broke your arm?”  
  
“No!” Jillian said quickly, “I got bad karma from it and then I broke my wrist.”  
  
“Huh?” said Ralph looking completely confused.  
  
“You remember what you told me?” Jillian said unsurely. “You said that if you do bad things then bad things happen to you.”  
  
“Not like that,” said Ralph, “I don’t think your arm broke because you were annoying. Otherwise you’d have all broken bones all the time.”  
  
“What?”  
  
“You’re really annoying,” explained Ralph.  
  
“No, I mean, how does karma work? You said good things happen when you’re good and bad things happen when you’re bad,” said Jillian, she was hurt by Ralph’s comment, but she thought it was a fair observation.  
  
“I don’t really know,” said Ralph, “I don’t know exactly how it works.”  
  
“You don’t? I thought you were an expert,” said Jillian.  
  
Ralph shrugged, “Not really, my aunt only just told me about it before I told you.”  
  
“Oh,” said Jillian.  
  
Ralph handed her back the pen, “I’m gonna go play catch with the guys, wanna come?”  
  
“I can’t,” said Jillian, “I’ve only got one hand.”  
  
“Oh yeah,” said Ralph, “oh well, see ya later.” He ran off.  
  
Jillian looked at her cast, he’d drawn a picture of a puppy with round glasses and a cast on one leg. He’d written her name with an arrow pointing to the illustration.  
  
A few other kids signed her cast, most of them drew little pictures or wrote well wishes, but Victoria wrote ‘freak’ on it and ran away laughing. Jillian didn’t let anyone else sign her cast after that. She hid the bad word behind her sling and hoped her teacher wouldn’t notice it. 

* * *

  
“You were right,” said Jillian as Rebecca prepared her after school snack and Jillian sat at the counter chatting.  
  
“I was?” Rebecca asked, wondering what on Earth Jillian could be talking about.  
  
“Yeah, Ralph knows nothing about karma,” said Jillian. “I guess I really didn’t get hurt because I was bad.”  
  
“You really weren’t bad Jillian, just a little bit of a pest,” said Rebecca. She handed Jillian her snack.  
  
Jillian started eating hungrily.  
  
“I see you got a few signatures on your cast,” Rebecca said.  
  
“Yeah,” Jillian replied awkwardly after she’d swallowed her bite.  
  
“Did you get any really good ones?” Rebecca asked.  
  
Jillian shrugged and pulled her arm closer to her body.  
  
“What’s wrong?” Rebecca asked with concern.  
  
Jillian looked up, “What?”  
  
“You seem dismissive,” Rebecca said, “is everything okay?”  
  
“Sure,” said Jillian.  
  
“May I see your cast?” Rebecca asked.  
  
Jillian shook her head.  
  
“What’s on it?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“Nothing,” said Jillian.  
  
Rebecca walked around the counter and sat on the stool beside Jillian. “Show me.”  
  
Jillian sighed and unhooked the sling so Rebecca could look at the cast, she covered the mean word with her hand. Rebecca saw what Jillian was doing but chose to ignore it for a moment. She examined the other signatures first. “They’re nice,” she remarked.  
  
“Yeah,” Jillian agreed quietly.  
  
“Why are you hiding that one?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“I’m not,” said Jillian.  
  
“Then move your hand,” said Rebecca.  
  
Jillian shook her head.  
  
“Jillian,” Rebecca warned.  
  
“Please don’t be mad,” Jillian whimpered.  
  
“What is it?” Rebecca asked softly.  
  
“It’s not appropriate,” said Jillian quietly.  
  
Rebecca gently moved Jillian’s hand away so she could see what it was. There, plain as day, was the word written by Victoria. “I’m so sorry Jillian,” Rebecca muttered, “who wrote this?”  
  
Jillian shrugged.  
  
“You don’t know?” Rebecca asked.  
  
Another shrug, “I know,” Jillian admitted sheepishly.  
  
“Tell me please,” Rebecca coaxed.  
  
“I don’t want to get in trouble for telling,” said Jillian.  
  
Rebecca sighed, “Jillian, whoever did this was intentionally being malicious toward you, and they need to know that that is not okay. I have to report this to your school.”  
  
Jillian sniffed, “But I don’t want her to be mad at me for getting her in trouble.”  
  
“Jillian,” Rebecca said gently, “she did something mean, I’m afraid I just cannot let this slide. I have to look after you. If she gets away with it this time, then there’s nothing stopping her from doing it again at a later date.”    
  
“You don’t know that for sure,” said Jillian.  
  
“That’s true,” Rebecca conceded, “but unfortunately I think I’m probably correct about this.”  
  
“This sucks,” sighed Jillian.  
  
“I don’t like you using that word Jillian,” said Rebecca.  
  
“Sorry.”  
  
“But you’re right, this situation does suck,” she agreed. 

  
  
The next morning Rebecca walked Jillian to her home room and reported the incident to the teacher. Jillian lingered in the doorway, hoping that Victoria wouldn’t see her with her mother and figure out what was happening.  
  
But of course Victoria walked in the room while Rebecca was still there. She stopped in the doorway beside Jillian.  
  
“What’s your mom doing here?” She asked. Jillian thought she sounded angry, but the infliction in her voice was caused by the fear of getting in trouble.  
  
Jillian shrugged, scared to speak.  
  
The teacher saw Victoria over Rebecca’s shoulder and called her over. Victoria shot a death glare at Jillian as she stalked over to the teacher’s desk. Jillian watched as Victoria was confronted, then Rebecca turned around and summoned Jillian. Reluctantly Jillian wandered over.  
  
“Can you please show us what Victoria wrote on your cast?” Rebecca requested.  
  
Jillian shook her head, she wanted this to end, Victoria looked super annoyed.  
  
“Jillian,” Rebecca said as a stern warning.  
  
Jillian sucked in a breath, she didn’t want to be told off for not listening, slowly she turned her arm around so everybody could read the confronting word.  
  
“I didn’t mean to write that,” said Victoria quickly, “I got distracted, it was supposed to say ‘You’re freaking awesome’.”  
  
“No it wasn’t,” said Jillian quietly, surprised at herself for speaking up, “you laughed. You wouldn’t have laughed if that’s not what you meant to write.”  
  
Rebecca rubbed Jillian’s shoulder, sensing the girl’s discomfort.  
  
“Victoria is that true?” The teacher asked sternly.  
  
“I-“ stuttered Victoria. She hadn’t expected Jillian to tell what had actually happened.  
  
The teacher nodded to himself, accepting that answer as a confession, “Two lunchtime detentions,” he told her, “and you must apologise to Jillian.”  
  
Victoria huffed, then she turned to Jillian, “I’m sorry I was mean to you,” she said through gritted teeth.  
  
Jillian didn’t answer.  
  
“You’re excused,” the teacher said to Victoria. Victoria ran off. He turned to Jillian, “Are you okay? Was this the first time another student has picked on you?”  
  
“Yes,” Jillian answered the first question and hoped the teacher thought that the answer rang true for the second question.  
  
“Okay,” said the teacher, “you know you can report this kind of behaviour to me immediately, then I’ll be able to stop it there and then.”  
  
Jillian nodded, looking down.  
  
“Good,” said the teacher. “Please make sure that you do.”  
  
Another nod, then Jillian turned away and left the classroom. Rebecca quickly thanked the teacher and then followed Jillian.  
  
“Are you all right Jillian?” Rebecca asked.  
  
“Why did you have to tell?” Jillian said accusingly.  
  
“You know why,” said Rebecca, looking affronted by the tone Jillian had used, “we discussed this last night.”  
  
“But now everybody knows that I’m a tattle tale,” said Jillian.  
  
“That’s not true Jillian, you’re being dramatic,” said Rebecca.  
  
“I’m not. The whole class knows, they all saw.”  
  
“Only three other students came into the room Jillian,” Rebecca pointed out, “and this was an issue that needed to be addressed.”  
  
Jillian shook her head, “I hate this,” she said.  
  
“Hate what?” Rebecca asked with concern.  
  
Jillian wiped an angry tear from her eyes, “I hate that I need my mom to stand up for me, and I hate that none of the other kids like me because I’m a freak!”  
  
“Jillian, no,” said Rebecca. “You’re not a freak, that’s just a mean word someone decided to write on your cast. That doesn’t make it true.”  
  
“It’s not the first time I’ve been called that,” admitted Jillian quietly as she looked away from Rebecca, “the other kids say it all the time.”  
  
“Oh Jillian,” Rebecca sighed. “I’m so sorry.”  
  
Jillian swallowed.  
  
“All of them?”  
  
Jillian nodded, then she looked at Rebecca, “Please don’t tell Mr. Goodall about it, please. I shouldn’t have told you.”  
  
“Yes you should have,” said Rebecca. “I need to know what kind of problems you’re dealing with at school.”  
  
“I don’t want you to feel bad for me,” said Jillian. “I don’t want you thinking I’m weak coz I can’t stop them.”  
  
“I don’t think you’re weak,” said Rebecca, “I’m your mother, I know just how strong you are. I know how brave you were the other day when you got your wrist realigned, I know how clever you are, and how kind you are. I don’t think you’re weak at all.”  
  
“But I don’t know how to stop the other kids from making fun of me,” said Jillian.  
  
Rebecca sighed and knelt beside Jillian, “I’m afraid I can’t be of much help there,” she said honestly, “all I can do is inform your teacher, and I know you don’t want that.”  
  
Jillian nodded in agreement.  
  
“But I can tell you something,” said Rebecca thoughtfully.  
  
“What?” Jillian asked with curiosity.  
  
“You know, I used to get bullied at school too,” Rebecca told her.  
  
Jillian looked at her with surprise and wonder, “You?”  
  
Rebecca nodded.  
  
“But you’re the most amazing person ever,” said Jillian, “who would be mean to you?”  
  
Rebecca smiled at the comment, “You know, I think that about you too.”  
  
Jillian blushed.  
  
“When I was your age I was teased because I was so into science and math, and because I wore glasses,” said Rebecca.  
  
“That’s why I get teased too,” said Jillian.  
  
“Kids never change I supposed,” Rebecca mused.  
  
“What did you do?” Jillian asked.  
  
“I just learned to ignore them,” Rebecca admitted, “it took a while, but I knew who I was, and I didn’t think there was anything wrong with that. Once they realise you’re not bothered by them, it seems to take away their power.”  
  
“I can try that,” said Jillian.  
  
“I won’t tell your teacher if you don’t want me to, but if you’re able to, I really think you should,” said Rebecca.  
  
Jillian nodded although she had no intention of doing so.  
  
“And I don’t want you to hide this from me,” said Rebecca, “I want to know everything that’s going on in your life, even the bad things.”  
  
“Okay,” said Jillian.  
  
Rebecca stood up and checked her watch, “I need to leave for work, are you okay?”  
  
Jillian nodded but there was a look of hesitation on her face.  
  
“You’re not okay?”  
  
Jillian shrugged, “I don’t know what to do,” she said. “I don’t want to keep seeing ‘freak’ every time I look at my wrist.”  
  
Rebecca nodded and pulled a permanent marker out of her breast pocket, “I can cover it?”  
  
“Yes please,” said Jillian.  
  
Rebecca knelt back down so she could reach Jillian’s cast more easily. She observed the word for a moment, trying to think of the best way to cover it. Then she got to work.  
  
“How is that?” She asked once she was done.  
  
Jillian inspected her work. Rebecca had blocked out the word with her black marker and then turned it into the base of an illustration of a microscope. Jillian smiled, “You can’t even tell what it said.”  
  
“That was my intention,” said Rebecca with a smile.  
  
Jillian looked at the drawing again as Rebecca stood up, “Hey Mom?”  
  
“Yes?”  
  
“How come you’re not an artist? You’re really good,” said Jillian.  
  
Rebecca laughed a little, “That’s kind of you to say Jillian. But I have no interest in pursuing a career in the arts.”  
  
“But you could’ve,” Jillian insisted.  
  
“I really need to get to work Jillian. You may continue to criticise my career choices this afternoon when I pick you up from school if you like,” Rebecca said jokingly.  
  
“Okay, I will,” said Jillian seriously.  
  
“I look forward to it,” Rebecca said dryly.  
  
Jillian started to walk into her classroom but she stopped in the doorway and called out to Rebecca. Rebecca was already making her way down the hall, she turned around and walked back. “You’re making me late for work,” she said accusingly.  
  
“Sorry, but I just wanted to say thank you before I forgot,” said Jillian.  
  
“For what?”  
  
“For helping me with the whole,” she lowered her voice so no one else would hear, “freak thing.”  
  
“Of course,” said Rebecca, “I’m your mom, I’ll always help you when you need it.”  
  
“Well,” Jillian said thoughtfully, “then thank you for being my mom.”  
  
“You’re welcome,” smiled Rebecca, “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”  
  
Jillian grinned.  
  
“Now get to class,” said Rebecca, brushing off the emotional moment, “I really am going to be late now.”  
  
“Okay, okay,” said Jillian she ducked into her classroom and Rebecca turned around to rush to her own classes.


	30. Age 12: Halloween

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jillian is 'too mature' to celebrate Halloween.
> 
> October 1996

  
“Dr. Sanston has invited you to go trick or treating with Emma this year,” Rebecca announced over dinner one night, “is that something you’d like to do?”  
  
Jillian shook her head, _no_.  
  
Rebecca was surprised, Jillian was usually gung-ho about trick or treating. “You don’t want to?”  
  
“No.”  
  
“May I ask why not?” Rebecca asked.  
  
Jillian shrugged and slurped up a strand of spaghetti, “I’m too old for trick or treating,” she answered.  
  
“You are not,” Rebecca insisted.  
  
“I am. No one in my grade at school is going trick or treating, they say it’s for babies,” Jillian explained.  
  
“Babies would get no enjoyment out of that particular activity,” Rebecca mused.  
  
“You know what I mean,” said Jillian.  
  
“I do, but I disagree with you. You’re two years younger than the rest of your class, they may think they’re too old to trick or treat, but you certainly aren’t,” said Rebecca, “and anyway, Emma is older than you and Dr. Sanston told me she’s very excited.”  
  
“I’m more mature than Emma.”  
  
Rebecca scoffed.  
  
Jillian glared at her.  
  
“I’m sorry Jillian,” said Rebecca. “If you don’t want to go trick or treating this year then that’s your decision, I’m not going to to force you to do something you don’t want to do.”  
  
“Thank you,” said Jillian. She continued to messily eat her spaghetti.  
  
“I’m perfectly happy with your decision not to go,” Rebecca continued, “personally I am not a fan of Halloween, so I prefer this choice.”  
  
“Good,” said Jillian.

* * *

 

“What kind of candy are we gonna get?” Jillian asked the next day.  
  
“I’m sorry?” Rebecca asked, she turned off the vacuum cleaner so she could hear Jillian.  
  
“For the trick or treaters,” Jillian elaborated, “what kind of candy are we gonna get?”  
  
“We live in an apartment building Jillian, and you’re the only child here. We’re not going to get any trick or treaters,” said Rebecca.  
  
“Oh,” Jillian looked disappointed.  
  
Rebecca started the vacuum cleaner again.

* * *

 

Jillian mournfully watched the other children on the street from her bedroom window. They were all outside trick or treating, wearing their costumes, and looking like they were having a good time. Jillian wished that she was with them. Being grown up was hard. She realised that she did want to go trick or treating after all. She wondered if it was too late to go back on her decision. She hopped off her bed and wandered anxiously into the kitchen where Rebecca was preparing their dinner.  
  
“Mom?” Jillian asked cautiously.  
  
Rebecca stopped what she was doing and looked at Jillian.  
  
“Umm,” Jillian hesitated.  
  
“Yes?” Rebecca asked expectantly.  
  
“I changed my mind,” said Jillian, “I think I do wanna go trick or treating.”  
  
Rebecca sighed, “You’ve just now made this decision?”  
  
Jillian nodded.  
  
“On Halloween night? After the other children have already started?” Rebecca questioned, she sounded annoyed.  
  
Jillian nodded again, “Is it too late?” She asked nervously.  
  
“You really want to go?” Rebecca asked with another sigh.  
  
“Can I?” Jillian asked.  
  
“You don’t have a costume,” Rebecca stated.  
  
“What about what I wore last year?” Jillian asked.  
  
“You’ve had a growth spurt since then,” Rebecca told her, “it won’t fit you anymore.”  
  
“Right…I could cut some eye holes in a white sheet and be a ghost?” Jillian suggested optimistically.  
  
“You want to cut some eye holes in my white sheets?” Rebecca repeated unimpressed, “absolutely not.”  
  
“Umm,” Jillian thought, “I don’t know, do you have a black dress? I could be a witch?”  
  
“Why don’t you check your own wardrobe for something Jillian?” Rebecca suggested, “I’ll call Dr. Sanston and see if she and Emma have left yet.”  
  
“Okay,” Jillian agreed. She trotted back to her room in search of something suitable to wear. She was pleasantly surprised, she’d completely expected Rebecca to say she couldn’t go because it was so late.  
  
She didn’t find anything in her own wardrobe so, despite Rebecca telling her to use her own clothes, Jillian went into her mother’s bedroom. What was folded on the bed was an immediate source of inspiration for Jillian.  
  
  
Rebecca knocked on Jillian’s bedroom door, “They haven’t left yet, we’re meeting them on a street that Dr. Sanston recommends. Are you ready?”  
  
“Yes!” Jillian’s reply came from behind Rebecca’s bedroom door.  
  
“Jillian, I said to find something from your own wardrobe,” Rebecca admonished.  
  
“My wardrobe stunk,” said Jillian, “yours was great.”  
  
Jillian opened the door and stepped out of the room. She spun around so Rebecca could admire her costume. She was wearing Rebecca’s lab coat (which was decidedly large on her) and a pair of safety goggles.  
  
“I’m a mad scientist,” she announced, “see, I already have the hair for it.”  
  
Rebecca smiled, “You look fantastic, now let’s get a move on. Do you have something to carry your candy in?”  
  
“Yeah,” said Jillian, “I got my pumpkin from last year, ‘cept it’s on top of my wardrobe so I need you to get it down for me.”  
  
Rebecca obliged and then they were on their way.  
  
  
Emma was dressed as a vampire. She’d gone all out with black lipstick and sleek eyeliner. Her hair was pulled tightly back. She looked more seductive than scary, at least that’s what Jillian thought.  
  
Emma spotted Jillian first, “Jillian!” She called out in excitement, clearly already on a sugar high.  
  
Jillian ran away from Rebecca’s side to meet Emma. Rebecca joined them at her own pace. Jillian and Emma were already chatting away.  
  
“Good evening Emma,” Rebecca greeted, “Where is your mother?”  
  
“Umm, somewhere,” Emma looked around, “I’m not sure. It’s Davey’s first time trick or treating and I think he ran off somewhere and Mom chased him.”  
  
“Four seems a little young for trick or treating,” Rebecca mused.  
  
“How old was I the first time I trick or treated?” Jillian asked with curiosity.  
  
Rebecca thought for a moment, “Five, maybe six?”  
  
“I was four,” said Emma proudly.  
  
“Rebecca!” Dr. Sanston called happily. She was carrying Davey, who was dressed as a rather plump pumpkin.  
  
“Hey little brother,” Emma said, “where’d you run off to?”  
  
Davey hid his head in his mother’s shoulder.  
  
“He’s decided that he’s too scared to stay out,” Dr. Sanston said. “I think I might have to take him home.”  
  
“But we haven’t even started trick or treating yet,” whined Emma.  
  
“Don’t whine honey,” tutted Dr. Sanston, “I’m sure if you ask Rebecca nicely she’ll take you with Jillian.”  
  
“Of course I will,” said Rebecca.  
  
“Thank you,” said Dr. Sanston, she turned to Emma, “be good for Rebecca, okay?”  
  
Emma nodded.  
  
“I’ll drive her home afterward,” said Rebecca.  
  
“Eh, you can keep her, she’s been a pest all day,” joked Dr. Sanston.  
  
“I have not!” Emma protested.  
  
“One of her teachers gave her chocolate,” said Dr. Sanston. “She turns into a little monster after she’s had candy. Actually, that reminds me. Emma, you’re not to eat any of your candy tonight okay? Save it for tomorrow.”  
  
Emma huffed.  
  
“Can we go now?” Jillian asked impatiently.  
  
Dr. Sanston laughed, “I’m sorry to be keeping you. Yes, I’ll head off now.”  
  
  
Soon the trio were on their way to first door.  
  
“Can I ring the door bell?” Jillian asked excitedly.  
  
“You may,” said Rebecca.  
  
Jillian and Emma ran up the steps to the townhouse. Rebecca stayed behind on the footpath, giving the girls a little space to be independent.    
  
Jillian almost rang the bell, but the fake spider web on the doorbell was a little too convincing and she chickened out. Emma rang the bell instead.  
  
“TRICK OR TREAT!!” They both shrieked so loudly it even hurt Rebecca’s ears despite the distance between them.  
  
The elderly lady at the door complimented both the girls’ costumes and gave them each a wrapped piece of candy.  
  
And so the night continued, Jillian and Emma both acquired more candy than Rebecca thought they’d ever need.  By the time Rebecca and Jillian got back to their apartment Rebecca was exhausted but Jillian was practically bouncing off the walls.  
  
Rebecca dropped down on the couch and breathed out a tired sigh. Jillian bounced onto the couch beside her so heavily that the springs protested. Rebecca shot her a warning look, which was promptly ignored. Jillian dumped her loot out onto the coffee table.  
  
“I got so much candyyyyy!” she exclaimed.  
  
“You cannot eat all of that,” said Rebecca. Her eyes were shut and she was wishing that she was in bed.  
  
“Why not? I earned it,” said Jillian defiantly.  
  
Rebecca would have rolled her eyes if they were open, “It’s going on top of the fridge where you can’t reach it.”  
  
“But it’s mine. I’m old enough to have control over my own candy stash,” said Jillian.  
  
“You’ll rot your teeth by tomorrow afternoon if I let you keep all of that,” said Rebecca.  
  
Jillian huffed.  
  
Rebecca opened her eyes and sat up to look at Jillian, “Are you glad you went trick or treating tonight?”  
  
“Yes!” Jillian said happily, “it was the best night ever!”  
  
“Good,” said Rebecca, “I’m glad you had a good time,” she paused, “you know, just because your classmates or all doing something, or rather not doing something, you don’t have to join them. You are your own person and you’re at a different stage of life than they are. You don’t have to follow them.”  
  
“I know that _now_ ,” said Jillian. “I just wanted to be mature for once. I didn’t realise I might regret it if I didn’t go trick or treating.”  
  
“You have plenty of time to be mature Jillian,” said Rebecca. “You should enjoy being young while you still can. Next year you may actually be too old to go trick or treating. It would have been a shame if you’d missed it this year.”  
  
“I don’t think I’ll be too old,” said Jillian, “thirteen’s still pretty young.”  
  
“I only wish you’d thought that this year so we didn’t have to rush around finding you a last minute costume,” said Rebecca.  
  
“I think I looked pretty cool,” said Jillian as she tilted her goggles. “I’m a bit like a smaller version of you.”  
  
“Earlier you said you were a mad scientist, is that how you think of me?” Rebecca teased.  
  
“No,” Jillian said backtracking, “maybe sometimes though, when you make explosions and stuff. That’s pretty cool.”  
  
“It is _pretty cool_ ,” Rebecca repeated.  
  
“You’re pretty cool,” said Jillian. “Cool enough to let me keep all this candy…?”  
  
“Nice try,” said Rebecca with a roll of her eyes, she could tell this argument was likely to continue for at least the next few days. They had the same argument every Halloween, Rebecca always won in the end.


	31. Age 23: The Hospital

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> holtzmann_lover requested a chapter where Rebecca ends up in the hospital and doesn't tell Jillian that she's there, Jillian finds out through someone else.
> 
> There's also the tiniest nod to a chapter requested by lezbianic on tumblr where Rebecca teaches Jillian to cook (don't worry, I'm still going to write the chapter, just thought the reference fit quite nicely with this one). 
> 
> February 2008

 

Holtz was awoken by the sound of her phone ringing. She quickly hopped out of bed and wrapped a sheet around herself as she walked out of the room to answer the phone. She didn’t recognise the number.

“Hello?” She mumbled.

“Jillian?” The voice was familiar but Holtz couldn’t pick who it belonged to, “I’m sorry did I wake you?”

“S’fine,” Holtz mumbled again.

“I thought you’d be up, it’s after eight,” said the voice.

 _Shit_ , thought Holtz, _I’ve already missed my first class_.

“Umm, I should probably tell you why I called,” said the voice.

“Who is this?” Holtz asked, her tone was borderline rude but she’d just realised she’d forgotten to set an alarm and she was a little annoyed that she couldn’t figure out who the voice belonged to.

“It’s Dr. Sanston honey,” replied the voice.

“Oh, sorry. I guess I don’t have your number in my phone,” said Holtz.

“Listen, maybe you should sit down before I tell you why I—“

Holtz cut her off, “What? What is it? Is my Mom okay?”

“She’s in the hospital, but she’s fine,” said Dr. Sanston quickly.

“Shit, what happened?” Holtz asked, she could feel herself panicking.

“She’s recovering,” Dr. Sanston answered, “she was admitted yesterday. I promise you, she’s on the mend.”

“What. Happened?” Holtz asked.

“She has chemical pneumonia,” Dr. Sanston replied.

“What hospital is she at?” Holtz asked.

“Mass General,” answered Dr. Sanston.

“Okay,” Holtz was terrified but she tried to keep her voice even, “thank you for letting me know.” She hung up before Dr. Sanston could respond. She wondered if maybe she should have gotten some more information but she couldn’t think properly anymore, she was too worried.

 

Holtz took a few unsteady breaths. Her Mom was in the hospital, her mom, who up until this point, Holtz had considered invincible. That missed class this morning didn’t matter so much anymore, she had to go home.

She went into the bathroom to quickly shower. 

“Holtz?” The woman in the bed stirred when Holtz came back into the bedroom to collect her clothes.

“Go back to sleep,” Holtz whispered. “I’m leaving.” She started throwing on her clothes. 

“Where are you going?” 

“Home,” replied Holtz. She finished tying her boots, “My mom is sick.”

“Oh shit,” she sat up in the bed to look at Holtz properly and Holtz couldn’t even appreciate the fact that her entire torso was uncovered because she was too worried about Rebecca. 

“Go back to sleep,” said Holtz, “I’ll call you later.” She left.   

 

Holtz hurried outside, pulled the parking ticket off her windshield and got in her car and drove.

The three hour car ride was enough to turn her concern for Rebecca into anger. She arrived at the hospital and got directions to her mother’s room and marched in.

 

“Why didn’t you tell me you were sick?” She demanded. 

Rebecca stirred, she’d been asleep. There was an oxygen tube in her nose. Holtz faltered, it was really hard to stay mad at someone who looked so weak.

Rebecca blinked at her, “Jillian? What are you doing here?”

“I heard my mom was in the hospital so I came to see her,” Holtz spat.

Rebecca looked exhausted, “I’m sorry, I didn’t want to concern you. I’m fine.” She struggled to sit up.

“You’re in the hospital Mom, you’re not fine,” said Holtz. 

Rebecca frowned at her, “Your shirt is inside out.” 

Holtz looked down, it was. She looked back at Rebecca, “I got dressed in a rush. Don’t change the subject.”

“Stop telling me off, you’re not my mother,” said Rebecca in annoyance, “I’m really fine Jillian. Did you just drive all the way from Bridgeport?”

“It’s only three hours,” said Holtz. 

“Sit down. Have you eaten?” Rebecca asked.

“Mom,” Holtz groaned, “stop trying to take care of me. You are the one in the hospital bed.”

“I’m recovering Jillian, I am fine,” Rebecca reiterated. 

“What happened?” Holtz asked. 

“Nothing, I just had a touch of chemical pneumonia,” said Rebecca.

“Something happened,” said Holtz. “You’re too stubborn to just go to hospital when you get sick. What happened?”

“Jillian,” Rebecca sighed.

“Mom,” said Holtz, her voice broke, “it’s really scary when someone calls and tells you your mother is in the hospital. Please tell me what happened so I can stop worrying about it.” 

Rebecca sighed. Holtzmann sat down in a chair beside her.

 

* * *

 

 _Rebecca coughed again. She’d been fighting this cold for a couple of weeks now, the virus was relentless and she was exhausted. She was having her lunch in her office. Dr. Sanston knocked on the door._

_Rebecca looked up, “Come in.”_

_Dr. Sanston walked in and sat at a chair, “Hey Rebecca. Can I get your opinion on this paper, one of my students just phrases everything so bizarrely. I can never tell what it is he’s trying to say.”_

_“If his academic writing is illegible you should let that reflect in his grades,” Rebecca answered. “He’ll never learn if you baby him.”_

_“I had a feeling you were going to say something to that effect,” Dr. Sanston said._

_“Then why did you ask?”_

_Dr. Sanston shrugged._

_Rebecca suddenly felt feverish, she fanned herself with a piece of_ _notepaper that had been_ _on her desk._

 _“You_ _all right_ _?” Dr. Sanston asked._

_“Fine,” Rebecca answered._

_Dr. Sanston frowned, “You sure? You look a little under the weather.”_

_“A slight cold,” Rebecca answered._

_“If you’re sure.”_

_Rebecca nodded._

_“So, how’s Jillian doing?” Dr. Sanston asked, changing the subject._

_“Quite well,” Rebecca answered._

_“Emma said she hasn’t been replying to any of her texts,” said Dr. Sanston._

_“I don’t know anything about that,” said Rebecca._

_“We were just wondering if she’s doing okay after the_ incident _?” Dr. Sanston asked._

_“As well as could be expected,” Rebecca answered, “please don’t ask any more, that’s her business.”_

_“Of course,” said Dr. Sanston. “What college is she at now?”_

_“The College of Naturopathic Medicine,” Rebecca replied, “in Bridgeport”_

_“You hate that,” analysed Dr. Sanston._

_“I don’t hate it,” retorted Rebecca, “I just wish she were pursuing a more legitimate science. It is not my place to dissuade her.”_

_“You are her mother though, technically it kind of is your place to…” Dr. Sanston stopped talking when Rebecca started coughing._

_The coughing fit caught the older woman by surprise, she didn’t have time to pull out her handkerchief and instead coughed into the sleeve of her lab coat._

_“I’m sorry,” Rebecca said once she had recovered, “what were you saying?”_

_Dr. Sanston didn’t respond to the question, she was staring at Rebecca’s sleeve, “Rebecca,” she said with concern, “you just coughed up blood.”_

_Rebecca looked at her sleeve, “Oh.”_

_“You should see a medical doctor,” said Dr. Sanston urgently._

_“I’m fine,” Rebecca dismissed her._

_“This could be serious.”_

_“I’m fine,” Rebecca insisted. She stood up and walked to the door, she held it open for Dr. Sanston, “Thank you for your visit, but I’d like to be left alone —“_

_Dr. Sanston watched in horror as Rebecca collapsed onto the floor._

 

_When she came to, Rebecca couldn’t figure out where she was. She definitely wasn’t in her office anymore. She dreaded the thought of her half eaten lunch rotting on her desk and attracting all sorts of unwanted pests; she hoped she wouldn’t be wherever she was long enough for that to happen. Then it occurred to her that there were probably more urgent matters at hand, like where she was and what had happened, She quickly forgot about her lunch. There was an oxygen mask on her face. She felt delirious and disoriented; she wondered if that was because she didn’t know what had just happened to her or if it was a symptom of whatever was affecting her._

_She tried to sit up but someone pushed her back down and held a gentle hand to her shoulder._

_“You’re in an ambulance,” they told her, “just stay calm.”_

_Rebecca pulled the oxygen mask down, “I am calm,” she said in annoyance, “I’m also fine. Why am I here?”_

_“Try not to talk so much, we need you to concentrate on breathing,” they gently put the mask back on her face._

_Rebecca frowned but didn’t try to talk again. She looked around as she tried to figure out what was going on but she quickly lost consciousness again._

 

_When she awoke again she was in a hospital room. Someone had changed her into a hospital gown, which she didn’t much appreciate. The oxygen mask had been swapped for tubing and there was an IV in her hand. She could hear a steady beeping and assumed that was her heart rate, although it was beginning to pick up in pace. There was someone sitting on a chair at the foot of the bed. Rebecca couldn’t quite get her eyes to focus on them._

_Eventually her eyes came into focus, or as well as they could without her glasses. It was Dr. Sanston, she was asleep. Rebecca frowned,_ What the hell is going on? _She coughed weakly. She could taste blood in her mouth. Dr. Sanston stirred._

 _“You’re awake,” she sounded pleased, “How are you feeling?”_

_“Annoyed,” Rebecca answered._

_“Lemme call a nurse,” smiled Dr. Sanston, “You can yell at me for saving your life later.”_

_Rebecca rolled her eyes._

_It didn’t take long for a nurse to come. Dr. Sanston waited outside the room. The nurse checked Rebecca’s vitals and spoke in a chipper tone that she did not appreciate. Then a doctor came._

_“Good evening Rebecca,” said the doctor, “I’m Dr. Jeffards.”_

_Rebecca didn’t respond._

_Dr. Jeffards continued, “You’re at Mass General, you were admitted early this afternoon when a co-worker of yours noticed you were coughing up blood.”_

_“I’m fine,” said Rebecca gruffly._

_“You most certainly are not,” the doctor scolded. “You’re suffering from chemical pneumonia. This is quite a serious condition.”_

_Rebecca suddenly felt quite vulnerable, it had been a long while since anybody had tried to tell her off._

_“You’ll be in the hospital for a few days at least until I can be sure that you’re on the mend,” said Dr. Jeffards, “right now you’re hooked up to the IV, that’s providing you with fluids as well as anti-inflammatory_ _steroids_ _and painkillers. You’re also hooked up to the ventilator, please do not attempt to remove the tubing,” he paused when Rebecca frowned at him. “Don’t give me that look,” she continued, “you’re very clearly quite stubborn and I have a feeling you’re already plotting your escape from here.”_

 _Rebecca harrumphed._

_“You’ve been suffering from this for_ _a while_ _,” Dr. Jeffards said, “it’s likely you thought you had the flu or something similar. You should have been to see a physician before it escalated to the point that it did.”_

_“I’m not a child,” Rebecca said, “I’ve been taking care of myself for a long time.”_

_“Not very well,” said the doctor. “I’m told that you work in a lab, it’s likely this was caused through improper safety practices around whatever chemicals you’re exposed to.”_

_Rebecca rolled her eyes._

_“This type of pneumonia can alter your thinking and reasoning skills. So I’m going to attribute your lack of self care when you were suffering from an obvious illness to that,” said the doctor, “but be aware that our nurses will be keeping a close eye on you while you’re in here and making sure you’re following the doctor’s orders.”_

_Rebecca wondered if this was how Jillian felt when she scolded her._

_Dr. Jeffards offered a smile, “I’ll leave you to relax for the rest of the night. I’ll be seeing you tomorrow to discuss further treatment and outcomes with you. Good night.” She left and Dr. Sanston returned._

_“You okay?” She asked._

_Rebecca nodded, then yawned._

_“You look tired, I should go,” said Dr. Sanston._

_Rebecca didn’t disagree._

_“D’you want me to call Jillian and let her know what happened, or would you rather do it?” Dr. Sanston asked._

_Rebecca shook her head._

_“You_ are _gonna tell her, right?” Dr. Sanston checked._

 _“She doesn’t need to know,” Rebecca said hoarsely._

_“She’s your kid, she has to know,” countered Dr. Sanston._

_“She has enough to worry about without adding this to the list,” said Rebecca stubbornly._

_Dr. Sanston sighed, arguing with Rebecca was like trying to get a ten year old to go to bed before nine o’clock: impossible. “If you don’t tell her, I will,” said Dr. Sanston._

_“Don’t you dare.”_

_“I’m calling her tomorrow morning,” said Dr. Sanston as she began to back out of the room._

_Rebecca would have protested further but she was too tired, she let her head fall onto the pillow. Being stubborn is a lot less exhausting when you aren’t sick._

 

* * *

 

“Nothing too concerning,” Rebecca answered. “Dr. Sanston noticed that I was a little under the weather and she demanded that I get checked out. That’s all.”

Holtz didn’t look convinced, but she decided to drop it for now. She could always ask Dr. Sanston for the real story if Rebecca refused to tell the truth. 

Rebecca began to sit up, “Is your car nearby?” 

“Yeah, it’s right out front,” said Holtz. 

Rebecca frowned, “Is it parked legally?” 

Holtz avoided the question, “Why do you need to know where my car is?”

“Because, I need you to drive me home,” said Rebecca. 

“Are you allowed to leave yet? Aren’t they supposed to like, take the IVs and stuff out before you leave?” Holtz asked.

Rebecca avoided the question, “Can you get my clothes out please, they’re in the bottom drawer,” she pointed. Then she pulled out the IV. She pressed on the wound with her thumb to stop the bleeding. 

Holtz handed Rebecca her clothes, “Mom, it feels kinda like you’re escaping,” she said cautiously.

“I don’t need to be in here,” said Rebecca. She removed the oxygen tubes. Then she threw off the blanket and swung her legs over the side of the bed.

“Quick question,” Holtz said with a shit eating grin, “Is that the kind of hospital gown that doesn’t close at the back, and if it is, am I allowed to laugh when I see your butt?”

Rebecca glared at her, “Get out and shut the door. I’ll get changed and then we can go.”

Holtz grinned again and left the room. As soon as she shut the door her face became more serious. Getting kicked out was exactly her plan, it gave her the opportunity to find a doctor and tell them that Rebecca was trying to leave. She hated going against her mother, but she could also see that Rebecca was very sick and definitely shouldn’t be leaving the hospital.

Rebecca had only been off the ventilator for a few moments when she began to feel a tightness in her chest. She stopped trying to get dressed and sat down on the bed, just to catch her breath. 

It was harder to breathe than she’d expected it to be. She wondered if she should call Jillian back in to help her get dressed so she could leave. She felt a cough building at the back of her throat and tried to suppress it. She needed to concentrate on breathing. But then she coughed.

That’s how Holtz and Dr. Jeffards found her when they entered the room; sitting on the hospital bed and gasping for air as she fought her way through a coughing fit. Dr. Jeffards jumped into action and Holtzmann froze. 

Dr. Jeffards quickly hooked up a respirator mask and held it to Rebecca’s face until her breathing returned to normal. Rebecca’s eyes were wide in panic, both because she was terrified by what had just happened and because she was very aware that Jillian was watching her.

Blood splatters decorated the front of Rebecca’s hospital gown as well as its sleeves. Holtz stared at the patterns in horror. Rebecca was worse than she had thought. Dr. Jeffards was talking to Rebecca but neither Rebecca nor Holtzmann heard what she was saying. 

Once Rebecca had calmed down a little, Dr. Jeffards put her back on the respirator and inserted a new IV into her hand.

“Jillian, please wait outside,” Rebecca instructed once she was able to talk again. Her voice was so hoarse it was difficult to understand her.

Holtz crossed her arms. Rebecca felt terrible, she could see the look of terror on her daughter’s face. This was the reason she hadn’t wanted Jillian to find out that she was in the hospital. 

“I don’t want to leave you,” Holtz said.

“The doctor is right here,” Rebecca said as reassuring as she could, “I’ll be fine. I just don’t want you in the room right now. I don’t want you to have to see me,” she coughed a few times, “like this,” she finished weakly.

Holtz looked torn, she didn’t want to go. After a few moments of deliberation she stepped outside, “I’m standing right outside,” she informed Rebecca, “I’m not leaving you.” 

Rebecca nodded, finding comfort in her daughter’s words.

 

Holtz bounced anxiously outside the room. She couldn’t really hear what was going on inside the room, but it was obvious that the doctor was berating Rebecca. It took almost ten minutes before Dr. Jeffards left the room. Holtz chased after her as she walked down the hall. 

“Doctor, umm, Jeff…shit I forgot your name. Sorry,” Holtz called. 

“Jeffards,” said the doctor. 

“Dr. Jeffards,” they both stopped walking. Holtzmann glanced back at Rebecca’s room, “Can you tell me about my mom, is she gonna be okay?”

“She’s suffering from chemical pneumonia,” started the doctor. 

“Yeah, I know,” interrupted Holtz, “is she gonna be okay?”

Dr. Jeffards sighed, “There’s always a possibility of organ damage or lung scarring. And she’ll be more susceptible to recurrences of pneumonia now. But as long as she stays where she is, and does what she’s told. She’ll pull through this.”

“Could she die?” Holtz asked seriously. 

“Death is always a possible outcome, but in this case I don’t think it’s likely. But she needs to take care of herself,” said Dr. Jeffards, “She’s a stubborn woman.”

Holtz nodded in agreement. 

“Was that all? I have other patients,” said Dr. Jeffards.

“Oh, yeah, thanks,” said Holtz. She hurried back to Rebecca’s room.

 

Rebecca looked utterly worn down. She looked at Holtz when she came into the room, “Where did you get to?”

“I was talking with your doctor,” said Holtz. “Mom, have you gone stupid or something? Why the hell were you trying to leave? You could have died!”

“I wouldn’t have died,” said Rebecca slowly, “but I just don’t need to be in here. I’ll be much better off at home. And I don’t appreciate you trying to stop me.”

“Are you going to try and escape again?” 

Rebecca sighed and shook her head, “No.” 

“Good.” 

They were both silent.

“You can go to my apartment if you want,” said Rebecca. “You don’t have to stay here with me.”

“Yes I do,” said Holtz, “someone has to keep an eye on you and make sure you don’t risk your life again.”

“I’m an adult Jillian, I don’t need to be watched,” said Rebecca. 

Holtz scoffed. 

Rebecca shut her eyes, just to rest them for a moment. When she opened them again Holtz was sitting on a chair beside her, eating a sandwich and smiling at her phone. Rebecca realised that she must have fallen asleep.

Holtz noticed Rebecca looking at her, “They brought you lunch.” She pocketed her phone and put the sandwich on her knee then grabbed Rebecca’s lunch tray. There was an empty plastic container, which Rebecca assumed the sandwich had been in, some mashed potato and other various mashed vegetables, as well as an empty jelly cup. 

Holtz put the tray over Rebecca’s legs and pushed the button to sit the bed up.

“I’m not hungry Jillian,” said Rebecca. 

“You gotta eat. Eating helps you get better,” said Holtz.

Rebecca sighed and picked up a fork, she didn’t want to keep arguing. Although the food looked disgusting, Rebecca was glad that it was so soft, her throat was sore from all of the coughing she’d been doing. 

“How’s school?” Rebecca asked, trying to make polite conversation.

Holtz shrugged, “Fine, easy. How’s work?” 

“Busy.” 

Holtz picked up her (Rebecca’s) sandwich again and took a bite.

“Mom?” 

“Yes?” 

“Are you okay?” Holtz asked.

Rebecca looked around the hospital room and then back at Holtz.

“I mean, I know you’re sick. But like, are you _okay_?” Holtz asked again.

“I’m fine Jillian,” said Rebecca. “I made a mistake, I didn’t realise I was so sick. I didn’t let this happen on purpose, if that’s what you’re asking.”

Holtz nodded and concentrated on her sandwich. Her phone buzzed. She pulled it out from her pocket and read the message. With a smile she quickly typed out a reply and then snapped the phone shut and pocketed it again. 

“Who was that?” Rebecca asked. 

Holtz shrugged, “Just someone from school.”

Rebecca raised her eyebrows. Holtz blushed. 

“So, you got this because you breathed in chemicals right?” Holtz asked, quickly changing the subject.

“Harmful chemicals, yes,” answered Rebecca. 

“So, like, you weren’t following proper safety protocols then?” Holtz’s voice was light, edging towards teasing.

“You’re one to talk,” said Rebecca playfully, deflecting the comment. 

Holtz’s expression quickly grew sombre, “Yeah, well I’m never going in a lab again, so it’s not really an issue anymore.” She took a grounding breath, she hadn’t meant to kill the mood like that. 

Rebecca observed her for a moment before speaking, “I’m sorry Jillian. Are you okay?”

Holtz nodded. She took another breath and then put on the carefree and jovial façade she’d become accustomed to wearing.

“You know, I’m really close to finishing my ND,” said Holtz with gusto, “I could totally treat you.” 

Rebecca didn’t look convinced. Whether she was unconvinced that Holtz was okay, or unconvinced that Holtz could treat her remained to be seen.

Holtz took the look as the latter, “Well, you have to at least let me look after you for a while.” 

“You have school Jillian, you’ll never get any closer to completing your ND if you stop attending classes,” said Rebecca.

“Oh yeah,” Holtz thought for a second, “you could come live in my apartment until you get better.” 

“I have a job here Jillian. I can’t just leave,” said Rebecca. 

“Then I’ll stay here. I’ll get my girl—“ Holtz cut herself off, “my _friend_ to email me her notes so I don’t fall behind.”

Holtz’s slip of the tongue did not go unnoticed by Rebecca, but she let it slide, figuring that Holtz would tell her about it when she was ready to do so.

“I do not need to be taken care of,” said Rebecca. 

“You do,” said Holtz firmly, “obviously you do because you’re not taking care of yourself right now.”

Rebecca didn’t respond. 

“It’s decided,” said Holtz, “I’m taking the rest of this week and all of next week off and I’m staying here and looking after you.”

“Absolutely not,” Rebecca said. 

“There’s no point in arguing Mom, I’m staying,” said Holtz.

Rebecca sighed, “Jillian, I’m perfectly fine on my own.” 

“I know, but I don’t want to leave you right now,” Holtz told her honestly, “you scared me today Mom. I need to know that you’re okay, and the best way for me to do that is to stay with you for a while.”

Rebecca had been prepared to argue but Holtzmann broke her heart.

 

* * *

 

Holtz gently helped Rebecca into her bed. Rebecca was relieved to be home again, it was so nice to lie on her own mattress and know that she wasn’t going to be disturbed every few minutes by nurses bustling in and out of the room. She breathed a content sigh, ready to just relax in her own company and enjoy the silence that came with that.

Holtz flopped down heavily beside Rebecca on the bed. Then she bounced twice as she tried to get comfortable. The springs in the mattress protested and Rebecca felt herself being jostled by the movement.

“What are you doing?” Rebecca asked, she could sense that the much anticipated moment of silence was further away than she’d expected.

“I’m keeping you company,” replied Holtz. 

“I don’t need any company,” grumbled Rebecca.

“Sure you do,” said Holtz jovially. 

“I’m quite used to being on my own Jillian,” said Rebecca.

Holtz rolled over to face Rebecca, “Well, I’m not.” 

Rebecca expression softened, “Are you coping all right, living on your own?”

Holtz hesitated, “Well,” she drew out the word, “I’m not exactly on my own.” 

“No?” 

“There’s a girl.”

“I see.” 

“I’ve been sort of living with her in her apartment for a few weeks now,” said Holtz.

Rebecca hummed. 

“Is that okay?” Holtz asked.

“Are you asking for my permission or my approval?” Rebecca asked.

Holtz shrugged. 

“You’re an adult now Jillian, you make your own choices,” said Rebecca. “But I am paying for your apartment, so if you’re not going to keep living there then you should probably let me know sooner rather than later.”

Holtz nodded, then she looked at her watch, “It’s lunchtime.”

Rebecca started to move. 

“What are you doing?” Holtz asked.

“I’m going to make us some lunch,” said Rebecca.

Holtz tutted, “You’re supposed to be recuperating.” 

“I can make my own lunch Jillian,” said Rebecca dryly. 

“So can I,” said Holtz, “you stay here and relax, I’m making lunch today.”

“You don’t have to do that Jillian,” said Rebecca. 

Holtzmann rolled off the bed, literally, she hit the floor with a thud.

“Are you all right?” 

“Yeah,” said Holtz as she stood up, “I meant to do that.” She hadn’t.

“You really don’t need to make me lunch Jillian,” Rebecca tried to protest again.

Holtz started walking backwards out of the room, “What’s that? I can’t hear you? You’re too far away…” she let her voice fade as she continued to back away. Then she turned around quickly and left the room, “I’m making you lunch and you can’t stop me!” She called loudly as she sprinted down the hall.

Once in the kitchen Holtz realised she had no idea what to do. Usually she just made herself something cheap and unhealthy, if she remembered to eat at all. She knew Rebecca should be eating healthy, especially while she was recovering. Not that Rebecca ever ate anything unhealthy anyway. She started searching through the fridge and the cupboards in the hopes that something would jump out at her. Nothing did. 

Eventually she settled on a grilled cheese sandwich, not exactly a healthy option but Rebecca had some nice cheeses so hopefully it would taste all right. It was also the first thing Rebecca had ever taught her how to make, so maybe she’d appreciate the sentiment. Holtzmann made one for herself as well.

Holtz put the two plates on a tray and accompanied them with a glass of orange juice each (the 99.9% stuff, Rebecca never bought the flavoured stuff). She carried them all into Rebecca’s bedroom. Rebecca was sitting up in the bed. She looked like she was trying to read, but the book was resting in her lap and she was staring blankly at the wall. 

“You all right?” Holtz asked.

Rebecca blinked into reality and nodded, “Just tired.”

“I can leave you to sleep if you want?” 

“No it’s fine. You’ve just gone to all this effort to make me lunch, I’ll eat first,” said Rebecca. She made to move out of the bed.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Holtz asked. 

“To the kitchen table,” said Rebecca. 

“Uh uh,” Holtz shook her head, “you’re staying right here young lady.”

Rebecca scoffed at the _young lady_ remark, but she stopped moving, “I’m not eating in bed Jillian, I don’t want mice or cockroaches in my bedroom.”

“You’ve eaten in bed before.” 

“When I’ve been sick,” said Rebecca.

“You’re sick now,” pointed out Holtz. 

Rebecca sighed, “You’re very difficult to argue with,” she remarked.

“So are you,” said Holtz. She walked around to the empty side of the bed and removed her plate and glass from the tray. She put them on the bedside table and then passed the tray to Rebecca. Rebecca put her glass on the other bedside table but kept the tray on her lap.

“Grilled cheese?” 

“I didn’t know what to make,” confessed Holtz.

“When I’m better maybe I should teach you how to cook a few more things,” said Rebecca thoughtfully.

“Sure,” agreed Holtz. She didn’t really want to learn how to cook, but more time spent with her mom sounded good to her.

They ate in silence for a while. Rebecca shifted a little when noticed that she was starting to slouch (it was hard to stay upright in a bed). She grunted in pain.

Holtz looked at her with concern, “Are you okay?” 

Rebecca nodded, but now that she’d noticed the pain it was hard to ignore.

“No you’re not,” said Holtz, “I’ll get you some painkillers.” 

Rebecca didn’t protest, she did need some. 

Holtz put her plate on Rebecca’s lap, “Don’t eat that, I know how much is left,” she said before getting off the bed and leaving in search of painkillers.

 

She came back shortly after, “You want me to crush it up in your food so you don’t know you’re taking them? Like a cat.” 

Rebecca rolled her eyes and held out her hand, “Just give them to me.” Holtz passed the box to her as she sat back down and retrieved her sandwich (which she investigated thoroughly to make sure Rebecca hadn’t eaten any).

Rebecca popped two painkillers out of the packet and downed them dry before chasing them with her orange juice.

“I should bring the tv in here,” suggested Holtz, “that way you won’t be bored while you’re recuperating.” 

Rebecca scoffed, “I’m not going to get bored Jillian. I have plenty of work to do. I think you’re the one who’s worried about getting bored.”

“Maybe so,” said Holtz. 

“You don’t have to stay here,” said Rebecca.

“I wanna hang out with you, I miss you when I’m not home,” said Holtz.

“I miss you too,” smiled Rebecca. 

“Besides, someone has to take care of you. You _are_ sick after all,” pointed out Holtz.

“I can take care of—“ Rebecca started. 

Holtz cut her off, “I _knoooow_ you think you can take care of yourself,” she moaned, “you don’t have to keep saying it. Jeez, was _I_ this hard to take care of when I was sick?” 

Rebecca chuckled, “Oh no, you were worse. You always insisted that you could still go outside and play, and you always spat your medication out. And usually passed on whatever virus you had to me.”

“Sorry,” said Holtz, sounding genuinely apologetic.

“You don’t need to apologise Jillian,” said Rebecca, “I wasn’t going to stop taking care of you just because you made it difficult for me.”

“I guess I must have inherited that from you,” said Holtz thoughtfully. 

“What? Stubbornness while sick?” Rebecca asked. 

“No,” Holtz paused, “well yes, probably. But I meant that I’m not gonna stop taking care of you just because you’re making it really hard,” she paused, “nay, impossible.”

“I just don’t want you to worry about me Jillian, you have enough to worry about already,” said Rebecca.

“Mom, how many times do I have to say it? I will always worry about you, whether you’re sick or not,” said Holtz, “so I might as well be here while you’re recovering, then I won’t have to worry so much when you don’t call and tell me about this kind of stuff.” 

Rebecca winced and not from the physical pain, “Are you mad that I didn’t call you when I was admitted to the hospital?”

Holtz looked away, “I mean, a little yeah.” 

“I’m sorry,” apologised Rebecca. 

“And it’s not just that,” said Holtz. 

“Oh?” 

“You didn’t even call me to tell me you were sick in the first place,” said Holtz, “that’s the kind of stuff I wanna know.”

“That’s not the sort of thing I feel is important,” said Rebecca. “When I call you it’s because I want to know how you’re doing, how your life is going.”

“Don’t you think that goes both ways?” Holtz asked, “I wanna know that you’re okay as well.”

“You don’t ask,” said Rebecca.

“Sometimes I don’t know how to talk about this kind of stuff, you know, emotional stuff, and like, asking how people are,” admitted Holtz, Rebecca nodded in agreement, “but I do want to know. Even if I don’t say it.”

“All right, I’ll try and remember that,” said Rebecca.

Holtz nodded.

“I don’t really know how to talk about emotional things either,” Rebecca admitted.

“I’ve noticed,” said Holtz, “I guess that’s something we both need to work on.”

“I guess so,” mused Rebecca.

“Change the subject?” Holtz asked.

“Oh please,” agreed Rebecca.

They spent the rest of the day talking about Rebecca’s most annoying students and Holtz’s studies until Rebecca eventually became too tired to talk. Holtz quietly slipped off the bed and tucked Rebecca in. The half asleep woman gave her a look of annoyance at the action but didn’t stop her. By the time Holtz had reached the doorway to turn off the light Rebecca was already asleep.

 


	32. Age 4: Christmas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> holtzmann_lover suggested I write a follow up to chapter 7 where Jillian finally gets to open her presents.
> 
>  
> 
> December 1988

  
  
Rebecca didn’t want to admit it, but she was a little anxious. It was Christmas Eve and it was up to her to create the magic. Last year June had enthusiastically done it all. She’d hyped Jillian up about Santa Claus, she’d organised the majority of the presents, she’d even selflessly eaten the double chocolate chip cookies that Jillian had baked for Santa.   
  
This year Rebecca was on her own. She hadn’t even wanted to celebrate Christmas, it wasn’t her thing. She felt like she was treating Jillian like a fool by letting her believe that a magical man was going to break into their apartment and leave her presents.   
  
Jillian had been excited about it since the first decoration showed up at the supermarket. Which meant Rebecca had been forced to listen to her prattle on about Christmas since late October. So Rebecca had no choice but to get at least a little bit into the Christmas spirit.   
  
“I want to see Santa,” Jillian announced as Rebecca was helping her into her pyjamas after her bath.   
  
“You saw Santa,” said Rebecca.   
  
Jillian had seen Santa at the mall and had begged and begged Rebecca to let her get her photo taken with him. They’d been forced to wait in the queue for almost an hour but Jillian was so excited she didn’t even get antsy like she usually would when she was forced to stay in one place for so long. When they finally got to the front of the queue Jillian had been so enthusiastic about talking to Santa that none of the photos had turned out because she was moving too much.   
  
“But I want to see him here,” explained Jillian.   
  
“He only comes when you’re asleep,” said Rebecca, she hoped she was right about that, she didn’t really know.  
  
“I’ll pretend to be asleep,” said Jillian.   
  
“It doesn’t work like that,” said Rebecca. She checked her watch, “And it’s after your bedtime.”   
  
Jillian stuck out her bottom lip. Rebecca tutted in response.   
  
“Can I pour the milk for Santa?” Jillian asked.  
  
“No.”  
  
“Why not?”   
  
“You’ll spill it,” Rebecca replied, “and I don’t want to clean up after you.”   
  
“I won’t spill it,” promised Jillian.   
  
“Just let me do it Jillian,” said Rebecca, “you can put the cookies on the plate.”   
  
Jillian sighed but she agreed.   
  
  
  
“What if Santa likes real milk?” Jillian asked as she watched Rebecca pour the skim milk into a glass.   
  
“We don’t have full cream milk,” said Rebecca, “I’m sure he won’t mind.”   
  
“What if he does? What if he hates it and takes my presents away?” Jillian asked with worry.   
  
“You get presents if you’re good,” said Rebecca, “it has nothing to do with the type of milk you leave out.”   
  
Jillian looked dubious. Rebecca closed the carton and returned it to the fridge.   
  
“Where do we put them?” Jillian asked as she carefully held her plate of cookies, she’d dumped every single cookie from the jar on it.   
  
“Can you put some of those back in the jar please Jillian?” Rebecca asked when she saw the loaded plate.   
  
“But Santa will be hungry,” said Jillian.   
  
“He doesn’t have time to stop and eat twenty cookies Jillian, he has other houses to get to. I’m sure just one will do,” said Rebecca.   
  
“Are you sure?” Jillian asked.   
  
“Positive,” said Rebecca.   
  
Jillian tipped the plate to pour the cookies back into the jar. Two fell on the floor. With a heavy sigh Rebecca bobbed down to pick them up.   
  
“So where do we put them?” Jillian repeated her question from earlier.   
  
“On the coffee table,” said Rebecca, “it’s near the tree so Santa will be able to see them.”   
  
“Okay,” said Jillian happily, she led the way and gently placed her plate with a single cookie on it down on the table.   
  
Rebecca put the milk glass beside it.   
  
“Now, time for bed,” said Rebecca.   
  
Jillian looked like she was about to complain.   
  
“The sooner you get to sleep the sooner Santa will be here,” Rebecca reminded her.   
  
Jillian turned on her heel and hurried to her room without another word. Rebecca followed after her to tuck her in.   
  
  
Rebecca went to her office to get some work done, she planned to put the presents under the tree once she was finished, that way she could be sure Jillian was asleep.  
  
After she’d been working for a while she looked over at the clock and was surprised to see it was nearly midnight. She did tend to lose track of time when she was working and with June no longer living with her there was nobody to snap her out of the ‘work trance’. She rubbed her eyes and stretched. She _was_ tired, she went into her bedroom to fetch Jillian’s presents from on top of her wardrobe, then she carried them into the living area and deposited the box under the tree. She put a few stocking stuffers inside Jillian’s stocking. When she turned around she was surprised to see Jillian on the couch. Luckily the girl was asleep and hadn’t seen her with all of the presents.   
  
Rebecca sighed, Jillian must have decided to come and wait for Santa even though she’d been told not to. Rebecca gently scooped Jillian into her arms, trying not to wake her. She carried her to her bedroom and tucked her back into bed. Jillian didn’t even stir. Rebecca kissed her sweet forehead and then went to quickly dispose of the milk and cookie and get herself ready for bed.   
  
  
  
Rebecca felt the air get knocked from her lungs the next morning as Jillian pounced on her bed.   
  
“It’s Christmas!!!” Jillian shouted so loudly that Rebecca was sure she’d woken the residents of the entire apartment building.  
  
Rebecca groaned and sat up, she checked the clock on her bedside table, it had just past five in the morning, she groaned again.   
  
“Time for presents!” Jillian exclaimed.   
  
“Breakfast first,” Rebecca muttered as she threw back the covers and got out of bed.   
  
“Nooooo,” whined Jillian, “presents first.”   
  
Rebecca shot her a stern look, “Breakfast first or no presents at all,” she said firmly.   
  
“Breakfast first,” said Jillian quickly.   
  
Rebecca nodded and went into the kitchen to prepare it. Jillian wandered over toward the Christmas tree.   
  
“Don’t even think about touching those presents Jillian,” said Rebecca as she began to pull out the ingredients she need to make a couple of omelettes.   
  
“I’m just looking,” Jillian called back in defense. There was a brief moment of silence as something registered with the four year old. Then she came barrelling toward Rebecca.    
  
“He’s been! He’s been here!!” Jillian yelled with excitement, “Mommy, did you see under the tree! Santa’s been here!”   
  
Rebecca craned her neck to look across the apartment at the presents, “So I see,” she said.   
  
“I’m gonna see if he ate the cookie!” Jillian bounced back over to the tree. “He did!” She exclaimed, she picked up the empty glass and plate, “Loooook!! It’s gone!”   
  
“Yes,” Rebecca agreed, “can you bring those over here? I’ll put them in the sink to wash after breakfast.”   
  
“After _presents_ ,” Jillian corrected Rebecca, “You said breakfast then presents. Not dishes.”   
  
“All right,” Rebecca agreed, “after the presents.”   
  
Jillian grinned happily.  She jovially glanced back at the Christmas tree and rocked on the balls of her feet, unable to keep her excited energy contained.   
  
Rebecca finished making their breakfast and put their plates on the table. Jillian tried to eat hers as quickly as possible but Rebecca scolded her and made her slow down.   
  
“I noticed that you didn’t listen to me last night,” said Rebecca as she paused her eating to take a sip of coffee.   
  
“I listened?” Jillian said in confusion, she didn’t even have a clue as to what Rebecca might be referring to.   
  
“Then why were you asleep on the couch last night?” Rebecca asked.   
  
“You said I couldn’t stay up to see Santa,” said Jillian.   
  
“I did say that,” confirmed Rebecca, “which is why I was so surprised to find you out of bed last night.”   
  
“But I didn’t stay up,” said Jillian, “I slept on the couch, I wasn’t up. I was gonna wake up when I heard Santa.”   
  
Rebecca hummed, she understood the girl’s logic although she wasn’t pleased with it, “Next time I’ll be more specific,” she said, “I meant that I wanted you to stay in bed.”   
  
“Oh, I thought I wasn’t breaking a rule,” said Jillian.   
  
“I know you thought that,” said Rebecca, “which is why I’m not going to punish you this time. But if you do it again then you will be getting in trouble, okay?”  
  
“Okay,” Jillian gulped down the last of her orange juice, “presents now?”   
  
Rebecca nodded calmly.   
  
Jillian jumped up from her chair, “Yes!” Jillian sprinted to the Christmas tree and dropped to her knees about three feet away from the tree, she slid across the wooden floor until she came to a stop just as she reached the pile of presents.   
  
“I’ve told you not to do that,” scolded Rebecca, “you’re going to hurt your knees.”  
  
“I didn’t though,” said Jillian.  
  
“But you could,” said Rebecca. She sat down on the floor beside Jillian, still nursing her hot cup of coffee.   
  
“But I didn’t,” Jillian repeated.   
  
“Stop arguing with me Jillian,” said Rebecca. She picked up Jillian’s stocking that was hanging on the tree and handed it to Jillian.   
  
Jillian’s eyes grew wide with delight, she took the stocking, “I can open it now?!”  
  
“You may.”   
  
Instead of reaching inside the stocking Jillian opted to dump the contents out onto the floor. A pair of polka dot socks rolled out along with a toothbrush and small packet of coloured pencils which clattered to the floor.   
  
“Pencils!” Jillian exclaimed.   
  
“I guess Santa must think you’re old enough to move on from crayons,” commented Rebecca.   
  
Jillian beamed, “See I told you I was old enough!”   
  
“I guess I was wrong,” said Rebecca with a smile.   
  
Jillian inspected the toothbrush next, “Mommy! It’s got Dino on it! Look,” Jillian shoved it in Rebecca’s face, “how did Santa know I liked the Flintstones?”  
  
“I think Santa just knows these things,” said Rebecca as she pulled back a little from the toothbrush.   
  
“Wow,” Jillian sighed, she was in awe of Santa Claus. Rebecca was pleased, she’d been worried about not doing a good job, but Jillian seemed happy so she must be doing all right. Jillian slipped her new socks on and wiggled her toes as she admired them.   
  
“Do you want to open your present from Santa or would you like to open one from me next?” Rebecca asked.   
  
“You!” Jillian said.   
  
Rebecca reached under the tree and pulled out a present. It was wrapped in brown paper and tied up with a red bow. She handed it to Jillian.   
  
Jillian beamed, “What is it?”   
  
Rebecca rolled her eyes playfully, “Open it and find out.”   
  
Jillian pulled at the ribbon, Rebecca helped her get it off. Then Jillian tore into the paper. Jillian gasped.    
  
“Operation!”   
  
She finished removing the game from the packaging, “Can we play it right now?!”   
  
Rebecca laughed, “Don’t you want to finish opening the rest of your presents first?”   
  
Jillian looked from the presents to the game, “Play it first.”   
  
“All right,” said Rebecca, a little surprised since Jillian had been taking non-stop about opening presents for the last week and a half. Rebecca helped Jillian get the game out of the box before going into the kitchen to fetch some batteries for it.   
  
“Don’t be disappointed if you find this game a little difficult,” warned Rebecca, “you might not have the dexterity to play it yet.”   
  
Jillian nodded, her attention was focused on the game. As it turned out she was surprisingly good at the game and actually won (and not because Rebecca let her, Rebecca wasn’t the kind of mom who let her kid win games, anytime Jillian won it was because she’d actually beaten Rebecca).   
  
“Again?” Jillian asked excitedly, still reeling from her victory.   
  
“Wouldn’t you like to open the rest of your presents?” Rebecca reminded her.   
  
“Oh yeah!” Jillian exclaimed, “Presents please.”   
  
Rebecca fished another present from under the tree, “This one’s from your grandfather.” Rebecca’s father of course, if her other grandfather had sent Jillian something Rebecca would have likely sent it right back.   
  
It was a small present, a box shape that was slightly larger than Jillian’s hand. Jillian opened it carefully, and was delighted to reveal, “A Rubik’s Cube!”  
  
Jillian had been begging Rebecca for one for months. When her father had called earlier in the month Rebecca had reported the gift request to him. She knew it may be a little advanced for Jillian but she was a bright child and Rebecca knew at least it would keep her quiet for a while.   
  
Rebecca watched as Jillian began to twist the cube around and mix up the colours. Once they were mixed Jillian put it aside.   
  
“You know you’re supposed to solve that,” said Rebecca, wondering why Jillian had lost interest so quickly.   
  
“I know,” said Jillian, “but I might remember how I mixed them up, so I’m giving myself time to forget.”   
  
“Oh,” said Rebecca, she was a little bit impressed, “smart.”   
  
Jillian beamed, “Another present?”   
  
“Yes,” said Rebecca, she inspected the presents, “You’ve got two left from me and one from Santa.”   
  
Jillian considered her options, “You.”   
  
Rebecca selected another present and passed it to Jillian.   
  
Jillian unwrapped it, then looked at Rebecca, “What is it?”   
  
“A calendar,” said Rebecca, “you told me the other day that you wanted one.”   
  
“Oh yes!” Jillian exclaimed, “I just didn’t know what a candelar looked like.”   
  
“Calendar,” Rebecca corrected.   
  
Jillian started flipping through the pages, “Can you show me how to read it? Where’s next Christmas?”   
  
Rebecca laughed, “It’s still _this_ Christmas Jillian!”   
  
“I still wanna know,” said Jillian.   
  
Rebecca continued to chuckle as she flipped to the back of the calendar and pointed at the square that read ‘Christmas Day.’   
  
“It’s at the back of the book,” said Jillian.   
  
“It’s in December, that’s the end of the year,” said Rebecca.   
  
“It’s the end of the year now,” said Jillian. Then she dropped the calendar to her lap as she realised, “You mean I gotta wait a whole ‘nother year before next Christmas?!”   
  
Rebecca chuckled again, “Yes, it only happens once a year.”   
  
Jillian sighed dramatically.   
  
“Don’t despair too much,” said Rebecca, “your birthday is right around the corner.”   
  
Jillian smiled, “It is? Show me.” She held out the calendar to Rebecca.   
  
Rebecca flipped back to April and showed Jillian, “See, just four months away.”   
  
“Four months!” Jillian exclaimed, “That’s not right around the corner Mommy.”   
  
Rebecca raised her eyebrows at the attitude that tinted Jillian’s tone.   
  
Jillian closed the calendar, “Can I cross off the days?”   
  
“Yes, it’s yours, you can do what you please,” said Rebecca.   
  
Jillian grinned again, “Thank you!” She hugged Rebecca. Rebecca hugged her back.   
  
Jillian sat back down, “Okay, Santa present now.”   
  
Rebecca nodded and dutifully pulled the box out from under the tree, she placed it in front of Jillian. It was heavy; Jillian could still lift it, but she could definitely feel the weight of it. She was curious to see what it could be. She tore open the wrapping paper. It was a massive illustrated science book. It covered all of the fields of science including the particle physics and nuclear engineering that she knew her mom did (although Rebecca noted that it was a very simplified summary of the fields).   
  
“Wow!” Jillian breathed in awe. “Mommy, look, Santa got me a book.”   
  
“Yes he did, do you like it?” Rebecca asked, hoping that she’d made a good choice.   
  
“I looooove it,” said Jillian. She was already flipping through the pages and admiring the illustrations. Jillian was slowly getting the hang of reading, but she enjoyed looking at the pictures a lot more, “Will you read it with me at bedtime?”   
  
“Of course I will,” said Rebecca.   
  
“I wanna read about your science first,” said Jillian decisively.   
  
“If you like,” said Rebecca, she was very pleased that Jillian was showing an interest in the work that she did, that made her feel so happy.   
  
Jillian looked at the last present, “It’s the last one,” she said.   
  
“It is,” said Rebecca, “but once you’ve opened it you’ll be able to play with all of your new things.”   
  
“Oh yeah,” smiled Jillian.   
  
Rebecca passed her the box. Jillian took it, but then she stopped and looked thoughtfully at Rebecca.   
  
“What’s wrong?” Rebecca asked, noticing Jillian’s look.   
  
“You didn’t get any presents,” said Jillian sadly.   
  
“I don’t need anything,” said Rebecca. “I’m happy just watching you get yours.”   
  
Jillian looked at the unopened present, she pushed it a little toward Rebecca, “You can have this one if you want.”   
  
Rebecca smiled, “That’s very kind of you Jillian, but that’s for you.”   
  
“But I want you to have something,” said Jillian.   
  
“Christmas isn’t just about material goods,” said Rebecca, “it’s about spending time with the people you love, and that’s exactly what I’m doing.”   
  
“But-“ Jillian started.   
  
“It’s fine Jillian,” said Rebecca, “besides, I bought that gift and I know it’s something that you want and I most definitely do not.”   
  
Jillian was curious now, “Okay,” she said quickly and then she ripped apart the paper.   
  
It was a Hot Wheels track, complete with cars.   
  
“Awesome!” Jillian exclaimed enthusiastically. She jumped up and almost pounced at Rebecca as she tried to hug her, “Thank you!”   
  
“You’re welcome,” Rebecca laughed, pleased that Jillian liked the gift.   
  
“Can we play with it right now?” Jillian asked.   
  
“We?” Rebecca asked, “you can, I’ll just watch.”   
  
“No, play with me,” said Jillian, sounding a little demanding but very cute. “It’ll be more fun with you.”   
  
Rebecca smiled and then nodded, “I suppose it won’t hurt.”   
  
“Yes!!!!” Jillian squealed with delight.   
  
  
Jillian sat in Rebecca’s lap as they played with the cars. Rebecca wasn’t really playing, but she was there, and that was enough for Jillian. 


	33. Age 7: Midnight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> December 1991
> 
> Requested anonymously on tumblr: Rebecca lets Jillian stay up to see the New Year in.
> 
>  
> 
> (Sorry this is a little late)

Jillian approached Rebecca with a look of absolute determination. Rebecca saw Jillian boldly advancing and braced herself for whatever demand she was about to make.   
  
“Mom?” Jillian asked, her voice wasn’t as brave as her demeanour.   
  
Rebecca lowered her reading glasses to look at Jillian, the action made her look quite imposing and Jillian nearly let her confidence waver.   
  
“I was wondering,” Jillian said hesitantly, then she paused, as though she were waiting for an answer to the question that she had not yet asked.   
  
“You were wondering?” Rebecca prompted.   
  
Jillian nodded, still not offering a question.   
  
Rebecca sighed and leaned back in her chair, “Jillian, I cannot give you an answer unless you give me a question.”   
  
“Right,” agreed Jillian.   
  
There was more silence. Rebecca pushed her glasses back up and turned to her work again. Jillian shuffled her feet on the wooden floor. Why was it so hard to ask? The worst that could happen would be Rebecca saying no.   
  
“Can I stay up til midnight tonight?” Jillian asked.   
  
Rebecca put her pen down on her desk and turned to face Jillian, “I suppose you may. Just because it’s New Year’s Eve.”   
  
“Really?” Jillian asked in disbelief.  
  
“Yes,” Rebecca nodded, “but you have to promise to behave tomorrow, no being moody just because you’re tired.”   
  
“I won’t be tired,” said Jillian.   
  
“That’s not what I asked you to promise,” said Rebecca.  
  
“I’ll be good,” said Jillian, it was a promise that she frequently made and seldom kept.   
  
  
They still went through Jillian’s bedtime routine at the usual time, but rather than going to bed at the end of it, Jillian set up shop on the couch with Rebecca. They’d decided on a movie night, Rebecca had rented a movie from the video library to keep Jillian occupied while they waited for midnight.   
  
“We should eat candy with the movie,” Jillian suggested excitedly.   
  
Rebecca just gave her a look that read ‘absolutely not’. Jillian put the cassette in the VCR and they settled down to watch the movie.   
  
About halfway through Rebecca noticed that Jillian was starting to drift off. Rebecca gently nudged her.   
  
Jillian blinked, “What? I’m awake,” she said groggily.   
  
“I don’t think you are going to be able to stay awake until midnight,” Rebecca said gently, “why don’t you go to bed?”   
  
Jillian noticed she was leaning heavily against Rebecca’s side, she wiggled until she was in an upright position, “I can stay awake,” she said defiantly.   
  
Rebecca hummed, she didn’t quite believe the girl.   
  
“I can,” Jillian insisted.   
  
“If you fall asleep would you like me to wake you just before midnight?” Rebecca asked, “or shall I just leave you to sleep?”   
  
“I’m not gonna fall asleep,” Jillian yawned.   
  
Rebecca honestly wasn’t even sure if _she_ was going to be able to stay awake to see the new year in; she stifled a yawn of her own.   
  
“What time is it?” Jillian asked suddenly.   
  
Rebecca checked her watch, “Nine thirty eight,” she answered.  
  
Jillian nodded and then turned back to the television. After a few moments she asked, “How long until midnight?”   
  
“You can work that out,” said Rebecca. “Do the math.”   
  
Jillian drew imaginary numbers in the air and muttered to herself for a moment, “Two hours and twenty two minutes?”   
  
“Yes,” Rebecca answered.   
  
“Okay,” said Jillian, “I won’t fall asleep but if I do, can you wake me up?”   
  
Rebecca nodded.   
  
Jillian leaned against Rebecca again. By the time the movie was over Jillian had fallen asleep.  

  
  
Rebecca checked her watch, two more hours until midnight and she was ready for bed herself. She wondered if she should just go to sleep and apologise to Jillian in the morning. But she didn’t want to be the kind of mother who couldn’t be trusted to keep a simple promise. She knew how terrible it felt to be the daughter of that mother. Rebecca decided if she was going to stay up so Jillian could see in the new year then she might as well wake the girl up and they could stay up together.   
  
Rebecca stood up and gently guided Jillian’s head onto the seat of the couch so she was lying down, then she went to the kitchen in pursuit of coffee. She brewed herself a cup and prepared a hot chocolate for Jillian. Once the drinks were prepared Rebecca carried them into the living area and placed them on the coffee table. Then she sat on the coffee table herself.   
  
She leaned forward and whispered Jillian’s name gently until the girl was roused from her sleep.   
  
Jillian rubbed her eyes and yawned as she gathered awareness, then she sat bolt upright, “Did I miss it?” She asked with alarm.   
  
“No,” Rebecca answered, “it’s a quarter past ten.”   
  
“Oh,” said Jillian. She sniffed the air, “I can smell chocolate.”  
  
Rebecca picked up the mug of hot chocolate and passed it to Jillian. Jillian sipped it greedily and immediately burnt her tongue.   
  
“Careful, it’s hot,” said Rebecca dryly.   
  
Jillian frowned in annoyance, “Why didn’t you warn me thooner?” She asked with her tongue sticking out of her mouth.   
  
“You have had hot chocolate in the past,” replied Rebecca with a minuscule shrug, “I assumed you would recall the fact that it is _hot_ chocolate.”   
  
“ _Too_ hot,” complained Jillian, “I want a warm chocolate.”   
  
“Well, leave it for a minute and that’s what you’ll have,” said Rebecca. She took the mug from Jillian and put it back on the coffee table and picked up her own mug. She sipped the hot liquid inside without flinching.   
  
“How long til midnight?” Jillian asked.   
  
“Just under two hours,” Rebecca replied.   
  
“Okay. Is this the latest I ever stayed up before?” Jillian asked.   
  
“You’ve been asleep for the last half hour, I don’t know if that counts as staying up,” said Rebecca.   
  
“But is it the most latest time I’ve ever been awake?” Jillian asked.   
  
“I suppose so,” said Rebecca, “Unless you count the time when you were three and you used to wake up every night around midnight.”  
  
“Did I?” Jillian asked, “I don’t remember.”   
  
“You did,” Rebecca confirmed.   
  
“Why?”  
  
“You used to have a lot of nightmares,” said Rebecca.  
  
“I never have nightmares,” said Jillian, “I’m brave.”  
  
“Thank goodness for that,” said Rebecca, “you always ended up in my bed and you move about too much in your sleep. I had the bruises to prove it,” her last sentence was added teasingly.  
  
Jillian didn’t even bother to argue, she knew she fidgeted a lot while she was awake, it just made sense that she did it while she was asleep too.   
  
“How long til midnight?” Jillian asked.   
  
Rebecca didn’t disguise her annoyed look, “One minute less than there was the last time you asked.”  
  
“Oh,” said Jillian sadly.   
  
“You don’t have to stay up if you don’t think you can Jillian,” said Rebecca, “You can always try again next year.”   
  
“I want to though,” said Jillian.   
  
“Well then,” said Rebecca, “we’ll need to find something to keep ourselves awake.”   
  
“Coffee?” Jillian suggested.  
  
“Not for you,” said Rebecca, “I meant an activity.”   
  
“Oh, like a jigsaw or something?”  
  
“Yes, that will do,” said Rebecca.   
  
“Can we do one of the new ones I got for Christmas?” Jillian asked with excitement.   
  
Rebecca nodded.   
  
Jillian practically sprinted to her room to choose a puzzle. She ended up selecting the 1000 piece puzzle of an elephant.   
  
“This one!” She declared as she came back into the room. She held the box up in the air and the pieces tumbled to the lowest corner of the box.   
  
“All right,” Rebecca agreed. She held out her hand for Jillian to pass her the box.   
  
“I can open it myself,” she said stubbornly.   
  
“Suit yourself,” said Rebecca as she dropped her hand.   
  
Jillian sat down at the coffee table and began trying to take the plastic off the box, but she couldn’t find any way in. Still, she was determined and persisted to search for a loose tab of plastic that she could tear. Rebecca watched until Jillian shoved the box toward her in defeat. Rebecca picked it up and easily tore the plastic off. Jillian watched and sipped her warm chocolate. Rebecca left to throw it in the bin and Jillian removed the lid from the box.

  
  
Rebecca returned to the coffee table just as Jillian dumped the contents of the box out. Most of it landed on the table but a handful of pieces fell to the floor. Rebecca sighed, she knew from experience that this would be another incomplete puzzle. Jillian was yet to actually finish a jigsaw puzzle, she always lost at least one or two pieces in the process.   
  
“Whoops,” Jillian muttered. She started crawling around on the floor to retrieve the fallen pieces. Rebecca silently picked up two that had landed by her feet.   
  
Once Jillian had found all of the pieces (she hoped) she began to sort out the edge pieces and instructed Rebecca to do the same.   
  
They’d almost finished constructing the border when Jillian moaned.   
  
“What’s wrong?” Rebecca asked.   
  
“I’m sleepy,” said Jillian very quietly.   
  
“I’m not forcing you to stay awake,” Rebecca reminded her, “you’re welcome to go to bed at any time.”   
  
“But I wanna make it to midnight,” Jillian mumbled.   
  
Rebecca checked her watch, “Only an hour to go.”   
  
“‘Kay,” Jillian stretched her arm out on the coffee table and lay her head down on her arm, she fiddled with the puzzle pieces aimlessly.   
  
Rebecca didn’t say anything, she just watched silently as Jillian’s blinking slowed and she began to lose consciousness. Jillian’s head dropped off her arm and hit the coffee table with an almost inaudible thud.   
  
Jillian jolted upright, “I fell asleep. Did I miss it?” She asked urgently.   
  
Rebecca resisted the urge to laugh, “You were asleep for all of two seconds Jillian.”  
  
“Oh,” said Jillian, “it felt like longer.”   
  
Rebecca smiled. Jillian climbed up onto the couch with Rebecca and snuggled into her side. Rebecca wrapped an arm around the sleepy girl.   
  
“What happens at midnight?” Jillian asked, her voice was low and slow, a clear sign that she was tired.   
  
“Well, there’s fireworks in the city,” Rebecca answered.   
  
“Can we watch them?” Jillian asked.   
  
“We can hear them from here, but we can’t see them,” said Rebecca.   
  
“Oh,” said Jillian, “maybe next year we can go into the city?”  
  
“Maybe when you’re older,” Rebecca said.  
  
“I’ll be older next year,” said Jillian.   
  
“A few years older,” Rebecca clarified.  
  
“Why?”  
  
“Because, look how exhausted you are right now,” said Rebecca. “If we go out then you’ll fall asleep and I’ll have to carry you.”   
  
“I don’t mind being carried,” said Jillian.   
  
“I mind doing the carrying, you get bigger as you get older,” Rebecca reminded her.   
  
“Oh yeah,” Jillian’s voice was slurring, “I’m gonna be super tall when I’m a grown up.”   
  
Rebecca didn’t tell her that both of her parents were barely over five feet tall and her chances of being tall were slim. There was no need to burst that bubble tonight.   
  
“What else happens?” Jillian asked.   
  
“People celebrate,” said Rebecca.   
  
“With cake?”   
  
“With cheering, and singing, couples kiss at the stroke of midnight,” listed Rebecca.   
  
“Eww,” Jillian interjected.   
  
Rebecca chuckled.   
  
“And then what?” Jillian asked.   
  
“And then everyone goes home and goes to bed,” Rebecca told her.   
  
Jillian yawned, “And then what?”   
  
“And then the next year has started and life goes on,” said Rebecca.   
  
“Oh,” said Jillian, sounding a little bit disappointed. “I thought things changed.”   
  
“Lots of people think that,” said Rebecca, “they make New Year’s resolutions that they never keep.”   
  
“What’s that?” Jillian asked. She snuggled up even closer to Rebecca, sleep was near.   
  
Rebecca thought for a moment, “It’s a decision, to either begin something or refrain from something in the new year.”   
  
“Like what?”   
  
“Well, someone might decide to refrain from eating chocolate in the new year, or someone else may decide to join a gym,” explained Rebecca.   
  
“So it’s a not fun decision,” said Jillian.   
  
“I suppose it depends on your point of view,” said Rebecca, “I think the idea behind it is to better oneself.”   
  
“Did you make a New Year’s resolution?” Jillian asked.   
  
“No, but I don’t believe change should come at the beginning of the year, I think it should come when it’s needed,” said Rebecca.   
  
“Oh.”   
  
Jillian was silent and Rebecca thought she must have fallen asleep.   
  
“I could make a resolution to keep my room clean,” said Jillian suddenly.   
  
“And pigs could fly,” Rebecca muttered sarcastically under her breath.   
  
“Could they?” Jillian asked with a hint of excitement.   
  
“No, it’s an expression,” said Rebecca.   
  
Jillian hopped up and wandered off to Rebecca’s office.   
  
“What are you doing?” Rebecca called after her.   
  
“I need paper!” Jillian announced as she disappeared into the room.   
  
She reemerged with a few sheets of paper and a handful of crayons. Rebecca wandered how Jillian had managed to find crayons in her office, _she_ didn’t even know they were there.   
  
“I’ve gotta draw,” said Jillian as she pushed the puzzle aside to make room for her paper and crayons.   
  
Rebecca watched in dismay as more jigsaw pieces fell to the floor, the puzzle was definitely a lost cause.   
  
“What are you drawing?” Rebecca asked.   
  
“A flying pig,” Jillian answered, “don’t look. It’s a surprise.”   
  
Rebecca was fine with that, she occupied herself with a novel until Jillian finally announced that she was done.

  
  
Rebecca had been expected a picture of a pig with bird wings. Jillian had drawn a pig (which she wouldn’t recognise except for the fact that Jillian had told her that’s what it was) inside and incredibly accurate and detailed plane that strongly resembled the Wright Brothers first powered airplane. Rebecca was beyond impressed.   
  
“Did you draw this from memory?” She asked.   
  
“Yeah,” shrugged Jillian as though it was no big deal, “there was a book in the library at school.”   
  
Rebecca was about to say something else but she was interrupted by a distant explosion.   
  
“What’s that?” Jillian asked with a jump.   
  
“Fireworks,” Rebecca replied, she checked her watched, “it’s midnight.”   
  
“Yes!” Jillian hooted, “I made it!”   
  
She ran to the window to see if she could see the fireworks even though Rebecca had told her that she wouldn’t be able to.   
  
“I can see the smoke!” Jillian announced as she pointed to the coloured smoke in the distance.   
  
Rebecca put down the drawing and joined her at the window, “Are you ready for bed now?”   
  
“When the fireworks finish?” Jillian bargained.   
  
“You can’t see the fireworks,” said Rebecca.   
  
“I can see the smoke,” Jillian repeated.   
  
Rebecca rolled her eyes, “You can go to bed after the fireworks.”   
  
Jillian nodded and turned her head back to the window. They watched the smoke until the dull sounds of the fireworks ceased. Jillian yawned and headed to her bedroom without any prompting from Rebecca.   
  
Rebecca followed her and watched as Jillian put herself to bed.   
  
“Tuck me in?” Jillian yawned.   
  
Rebecca did as requested.   
  
“Happy New Year Jillian,” she whispered to her barely conscious child.   
  
“Happy New Year,” Jillian mumbled back moments before drifting off to sleep. 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm going to be adding chapters as I come up with more ideas. 
> 
> I will also happily accept any prompts. They can be requested in the comments of this fic or sent through my tumblr:  
> goosewithanuke.tumblr.com/ask


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